With or Without You

~~~~

"I would be good,
Even if I lost sanity.
That I would be good,
Whether with or without you."
-- Alanias Morisette, "That I Would Be Good"

~~~~

Part One

"It's really too bad," Tamahome remarked to Miaka as they walked down the path. "I would have liked to stop and get gifts for my siblings, but we really don't have time."

"We could have spared a few minutes!" Miaka chirped.

He looked over at her. "Hai, I supposed we could have, but I don't want to waste any more time than necessary. It's only for their safety's sake that I'm accepting this offer."

Miaka's face fell. "Tamahome . . ."

"Taaaaamaaaa-chaaaaan!" a voice called out, and Tamahome suddenly found himself being tackled from behind. He went flying a good twenty feet, skidding on his hands and knees, then jumped to his feet.

"Nuriko!" Tamahome turned on the purple-haired seishi.

"Oh, gomen, Tamahome," Nuriko said, smiling angelically.

"You always underestimate your strength!" Tamahome complained, brushing the dust off his shirt.

No, I didn't, Nuriko thought. Better not tell him that. "Hai, hai," he said. He turned to Miaka. "Ohayo goziamasu," he said cheerfully.

Miaka smiled at him. ""Hi, Nuriko!"

"You weren't invited, you know," Tamahome grumbled.

"Hai, hai," Nuriko repeated. "I came anyway."

Tamahome glared. "Well, let's go." The three of them continued walking down the road. As they neared the village, Tamahome broke into a run. Miaka and Nuriko hastened to catch up, but they were still a good distance behind when Tamahome reached his house and threw the door open, cheerfully calling, "Dad? Chuei? Yuiren? Niichan's home!"

He stopped dead in his tracks.

A shrill scream reached his ears. "Niichan, help us!"

Tamahome found himself unable to move, unable to do anything but stand and stare in shock. His father was slumped over the table. His three youngest siblings were clustered behind Chuei, who was just falling.

In front of him stood a boy who looked to be slightly younger than himself. His clothes were spattered with blood.

But his face . . .

It was his face that caused Tamahome to stop and stare with shock. "Ami . . . boshi?"

The boy's eyes filled with pain at the sound of that word. Pain and anger. "No."

Tamahome opened his mouth to say something else, though he had no idea what might come out. Before he could manage another word, the boy grasped a pair of ropes with something attached to the end. It took Tamahome a second, then he realized them as the weapon they were. Before he had time to react, he felt a searing pain in his chest. He looked down in horror, then felt himself falling.

"TAMAHOME!!" Miaka's shriek echoed through the small room. She and Nuriko came running in. Miaka fell to her knees at Tamahome's side.

Suboshi grabbed his Ryuuseisui and hurled them, aiming at Nuriko this time. Nuriko saw them just in time and ducked.

"Amiboshi, what are you doing?" Miaka screamed.

"Miaka, get down!" Nuriko yelled. "That's not Amiboshi!"

Miaka blinked, stunned. Then she bent down, trying to hide.

Nuriko picked up the nearest thing, which happened to be a table, and hurled it at Suboshi. He leapt out of the way. The table went straight through the wall. Suboshi jumped through the hole it left.

Nuriko ran out the front door. He looked around for the Seiryuu Seishi and found him standing atop a nearby building. Better not let him get away, Nuriko thought. He again grabbed the first thing that came to hand. In this case, it was a large pine tree. He held it over his head and hurled it at Suboshi with all his strength.

Suboshi's Ryuuseisui immediately started flying, chopping the tree into pieces before it could kill him. Unfortunately, the logs were just as painful as the trunk of the tree would have been. Before he could get out of the line of fire, one of them hit him in the head and sent him flying backwards.

Nuriko started towards the pile of wood that was now covering Suboshi. Before he got all the way here, he heard Miaka's strangled shriek from inside. He wheeled around and ran for the house, knowing what he would see.

The three frightened children were still huddled in a corner. The youngest was crying. Miaka was bent over Tamahome's body, sobbing hysterically. Nuriko stopped in the doorway and surveyed the situation. He knelt beside Tamahome and closed his eyes in a moment of silent sorrow. Then he stood, putting his own grief aside for the moment. "Miaka-chan," he said gently, "we need to get the children out of here."

Miaka looked up. "I won't leave him," she cried.

Nuriko sighed. "Miaka, other Seiryuu Seishi may arrive at any minute. We need to get the children to safety. Tamahome . . . wouldn't want you to sit here and cry over him. He came here to make sure his family was safe."

Miaka stared at him for a second, then shakily rose to her feet. "What can I do?" she asked.

"Try to calm them," Nuriko said, shoving her gently towards them. He turned back to his friend, then grabbed a blanket off the bed and covered him with it. Then he set about checking Tamahome's father and younger brother. Unfortunately, they too had died. He got more blankets and covered them as well.

Miaka had managed to calm the three children. "Where are we going?" she asked, scooping Yuiren up in her arms.

"Somewhere else," Nuriko said, not having a better answer to give. He took Shunkei and Gyokouran by the hand and led everyone out the door. They walked towards the edge of town, where Nuriko settled Miaka and the children under a tree. "I need to go check on the Seiryuu Seishi. I wouldn't leave you alone, but I don't dare leave him another minute. You'll be all right for a few minutes?"

Before Miaka could answer, they both heard a shout. "Oi! Nuriko!" They looked up to see Tasuki approaching. "What's going on? We all had the strange feeling a minute ago . . ."

Miaka burst into hysterical tears. That was all it took to get the children started.

Chichiri and Mitsukake appeared behind Tasuki. "Nuriko no da!" Chichiri called. "What's happening?" He had a suspicion he already knew, and the fact that Miaka was hysterical merely added to this. But he still felt he'd better ask.

Nuriko waited until the three of them were at the tree. There he quietly and quickly explained the situation. Tasuki paled and turned to Mitsukake. "Naa . . . can't you fix 'im? Y'know, you can do that, right? Can't you?" His voice was rising in both pitch and volume.

Mitsukake looked away.

"CAN'T YOU?!" Tasuki grabbed Mitsukake's shirt.

Chichiri removed his mask and looked at the ground. "What about the Seiryuu Seishi?"

"I left him unconscious," Nuriko said. "I was just on my way to get him."

"Someone should stay with Miaka," Mitsukake pointed out.

"I think you're a good choice," Chichiri said. "Tasuki as well no da." He looked at the red-haired seishi. "Try to calm him down no da." He turned to Nuriko. "I'll go with you."

Nuriko nodded. The two of them headed back through the village. "This is where he is," Nuriko said, gesturing to the wreckage.

Chichiri looked around. "So I gathered no da." The two of them began to sift through the logs. A few minutes passed.

"I don't think he's here," Nuriko said, beginning to sound worried.

Chichiri closed his eye and concentrated. "I don't feel his chi no da."

Nuriko sank to his knees. "Gomennasai . . . I had a lot to worry about . . . Miaka was hysterical and the children were frightened and Tamahome - " his voice choked.

Chichiri put his hands on Nuriko's shoulders. "It's all right. No one's blaming you no da."

"I don't see how he could have escaped," Nuriko said, attempting to get a hold on himself. "Or even survived, for that matter."

"He must've had backup no da," Chichiri said. He looked down at Nuriko. "You all right?"

Nuriko nodded, then shook his head. "I don't know."

Chichiri wrapped his cloak around Nuriko's shoulders. "You'll be all right. Let's get back to Miaka and the others."

Nuriko nodded. Chichiri helped him to his feet and the two of them slowly made their way back to the edge of town.

~~~~

Suboshi woke up long enough to realize how disappointed he was at the fact that he was still alive. He couldn't seem to get enough energy together to open his eyes, so he lay quietly and listened.

"Well?" It was Nakago's voice. "Will he recover?"

"Hai, Nakago-sama," a respectful voice answered.

Damn it, Suboshi thought. This wasn't according to plan at all.

"Probably a great deal quicker than most people, in fact," the voice continued. "He is a seishi, after all."

Nakago nodded. "You may go."

There was the sound of shuffling feet.

"I know you're awake," Nakago said, looking down at Suboshi. "What happened?"

How does he know that? Suboshi wondered irritably. Well, he's Nakago. Guess that's answer enough. He pried his eyelids open. He was suddenly aware he was in a tremendous amount of pain. He opened his mouth to attempt to speak.

"Did you meet with the Suzaku Seishi?" Nakago asked.

Suboshi closed his eyes. "Hai."

"And what happened?"

Suboshi's voice was no louder than a whisper. "Suzaku Seishi Tamahome is dead."

Nakago blinked at the unexpected turn of events. He pondered for a second, then came to a conclusion. "Good." He thought for another second. Probably best not to mention this to Yui-sama. "And his family?"

"I was interrupted." Suboshi's voice was cold. He was trying desperately not to betray his emotions to Nakago.

"By Tamahome?"

"Yes. And other seishi as well."

"And how did you deal with them?"

By hauling ass and getting hit by a tree, Suboshi thought. "Not as well as I should have."

Nakago raised an eyebrow. "I suggest you correct that in the future."

Suboshi wished he had the energy - and the courage - to hit him. "Hai."

"The doctor says you will heal," Nakago continued. "When you have recovered, I expect to hear the details of your . . . misadventure."

I can't wait, Suboshi thought. "Hai."

Nakago turned and left the room. Suboshi was left alone with his thoughts, which became altogether too loud in the silence. I'm such a failure, he thought dismally. I failed Aniki, and now I've failed at this. Yui-sama . . . she'll be so upset. I can't even manage to kill myself right . . . Aniki . . . I just wanted to see Aniki . . . Tears began to trickle down his cheeks, and he cursed himself for them, but was too weak to stop them.

He attempted to curl up on his side in his traditionally upset position, but his whole body ached as soon as he tried to move. After a second, he gave up. So he lay on his back and stared at the ceiling and cried himself to sleep.

~~~~

Miaka immediately broke into fresh sobs and rushed into Hotohori's comforting arms. He put his arms around her shoulders and held her, looking baffled. Then he began to put things together. What I felt . . . that must have been a seishi dying . . . dying . . . Tamahome! "Miaka, what's happened?"

Miaka was sobbing too hard to speak.

"Hotohori-sama," Mitsukake interjected, "Tamahome . . ."

"He's DEAD!" Tasuki yelled. "Some fucking Seiryuu Seishi just came and . . . and . . . he's dead, for Suzaku's sake!"

Hotohori's eyes went wide. "Tamahome . . ." He looked down at Miaka in concern. "Where are Nuriko and Chichiri?" he asked, deciding it would be best to get all the details before even attempting to comfort Miaka.

"They went after the Seiryuu Seishi," Mitsukake explained.

As if on cue, Chichiri and Nuriko walked up to the group.

"What happened?" Tasuki immediately demanded. "Did you catch that Seiryuu piece of shit?"

"He wasn't there no da," Chichiri explained. "Someone must have come and rescued him no da."

Tasuki glared at Nuriko. "Why the fuck didn't you get him earlier?!"

Nuriko glared right back. "Because I was trying to see if there was any way I could save Tamahome."

Tasuki opened his mouth to say something else and choked.

"What should we do?" Chiriko asked.

Hotohori looked down at Miaka, still crying in his arms. "Why don't we go back to the palace?" he suggested. "We can bring the children. And then we can plan from there."

Chichiri nodded. "Good idea no da."

"I can send somebody else to . . . to . . ." Hotohori's voice trailed off.

"We understand," Mitsukake said.

Hotohori picked Miaka up, cradling her in his arms.

Nuriko scooped up two of the children, leaving Mitsukake to get the third. Chichiri put a hand on Tasuki's shoulder. "Let's go no da."

~~~~

Tasuki sat down on his bed, no longer trying to hide his tears. He'd managed to hold himself together while Miaka was around, but she was off being comforted by Hotohori. He was comforting himself with an assload of sake. He pulled out his third bottle and started downing it, not even bothering with a glass.

There was a knock on the door.

"Go away!"

The door opened and Nuriko stuck his head in. "I came to check on you," he said unnecessarily.

"You've checked. Leave."

Nuriko spied the two empty bottles on the floor. "How much of that have you had?"

"Not enough. Go away."

Nuriko walked the rest of the way in, shutting the door behind him. "You think I'm not upset by this? At least you didn't have to be there."

"Well, if you were there, why didn't you do something?" Tasuki spat.

Nuriko paled.

Tasuki suddenly realized that he'd made a big mistake. "I . . . Gomen," he said. "I shouldn't have said that. There was nothing you could have done. If there had been, you would have done it." He took another gulp of sake. "Just go away before I say something else."

Nuriko walked over and sat next to him. After a second, he reached over and took the bottle from Tasuki's hands.

"Hey, I was drinking that!"

"You can share." Nuriko took a swig from the bottle and made a face at the taste.

Tasuki reached under the bed and brought out another bottle. He took out the cork with hands that shook and started gulping it down. He managed about three swallows before he finally burst into tears.

Nuriko sighed a little and took the bottle from him, putting both of them on the floor. Then he put a comforting arm around Tasuki's shoulders. Tasuki immediately tried to pull away, mumbling something about he was all right.

"Sure," Nuriko muttered. He hugged Tasuki comfortingly, saying, "It's okay, Tasuki. It's okay to cry."

Tasuki huddled in Nuriko's arms until he cried himself out. Then he sniffled and pulled away. "Arigatou," he mumbled, looking at the floor.

"Don't worry about it. Get some sleep." Nuriko stood up, wiping the tears off his own face.

Tasuki lay down and pulled the blankets up to his eyes.

Nuriko waited until Tasuki's breathing had become slow and regular. Then he turned and left, taking the bottle of sake with him.

~~~~

Hotohori paced up and down the hallway, wondering what to do. He decided to go see if any of the other seishi were still awake. Maybe one of them would have some ideas. He headed for the hallway where the seishi's rooms were. Chiriko was sound asleep, curled up with a rag doll. Hotohori blinked, surprised by how young the seishi looked in his sleep. Tasuki was huddled under the blankets, red hair barely visible. Empty sake bottles littered the floor. Hotohori sighed and moved on. Mitsukake was also asleep; Tama-neko was curled up on his chest. Nuriko had flopped down on his bed and fallen asleep fully clothed.

Chichiri's room was empty. Hotohori decided to try to find him. The normally cheerful seishi had a good head for problems.

Hotohori found him sitting on a railing, staring at the stars. He was holding his mask in one hand. He turned a little as Hotohori came up beside him, both hearing him and feeling his presence. "How is Miaka?"

"She's asleep," Hotohori answered. "She finally calmed enough. What about the others?"

"Tasuki drank himself into hysterics, then Nuriko calmed him down so he could get to sleep. Chiriko and Mitsukake both seemed all right, but they didn't know Tamahome that well. Nuriko was upset, but . . . he's coping." Chichiri looked over at Hotohori. "And how are you?"

"A bit shaken," Hotohori admitted. "What do you think we should do now?"

Chichiri pondered. "We still need to get the Shinzaho. Do you think Miaka will be up to travelling?"

Hotohori shook his head. "I most sincerely doubt it."

"Well, since you need to stay behind anyway, she can stay here with you," Chichiri said. "And the rest of us can go ahead." He frowned. "Although I'm not sure Tasuki will be up to travel either. I suppose he'll just have to deal with it."

Hotohori nodded. "That's what I was thinking too." He looked at Chichiri. "You should get some sleep if you're going to leave tomorrow."

Chichiri looked up at the stars. "We should wait until there's been a ceremony for Tamahome. The others wouldn't want to miss it. I wouldn't either."

Hotohori nodded again. "All right. I can make the arrangements for it to be tomorrow morning, and you can leave after that."

Chichiri also nodded. "I'll see you in the morning then."

"Oyasumi," Hotohori said, turning to go.

Chichiri remained sitting on the railing, staring up at the sky. It's a good thing Hotohori-sama didn't ask me how I was doing, he thought, somewhat amused. I'm not sure what I would have told him. I need to be strong for the others . . . He sighed heavily. I'm getting sort of tired of being strong all the time.

~~~~

It's got to be in here somewhere, Suboshi thought, rummaging around in his drawers. It's a knife, it can't just get up and walk away!

He found it, unfortunately by grabbing it by the blade. He let out a small cry of pain and yanked his hand back. Cursing a blue streak, he reached in the drawer again and pulled it out by the hilt. Then he examined the cut on his hand and shrugged it off. It didn't matter.

He sat down on the bed and held the knife between his hands, then turned it so he could see his reflection in it. He stared at it for a long minute. Aniki . . . I miss you . . . His hands began to shake and he dropped the knife. He dropped to his knees on the floor and picked it back up. "I'm sorry," he whispered as he began to cry. "Oh God, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have killed them. I . . . I didn't want to hurt anyone, I just . . . just . . . Aniki . . ."

He forced his hands to stop shaking and picked the knife up.

Aniki . . . I miss you . . .

~~~~

Part Two
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