Never Too Late
By Yume Arashi

Warnings, spoilers, alterations, assumptions -- This is yaoi but not lemon. Lots of spoilers, from episode 5 to 48 or so. Alterations -- I pretty much kept things realistic, but for this story, Nuriko never fell for Miaka, and is still in love with Hotohori. The OVAs are totally discounted. Everything else is as happens in the story. This is my first try at writing a fanfic, so let me know what you think -- I'd love feedback, even if you think it's awful.

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Glossary for the Japanese-impaired (in no particular order)
-sama -- an honorific suffix for names
doumo arigatou -- thank you very much
dou itashimashite -- you're welcome
baka -- idiot, moron, stupid
demo - but
daijoubu ka? -- are you ok? are you all right?
daijoubu -- [it's/I'm] ok/all right
ai shiteru -- I love you
onegai - please
oyasumi -- good night

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Nuriko watched from the afterworld as Hotohori lay dying. He was surprised and displeased to find that in addition to the appropriate sorrow, he also felt a sneaking sense of happiness at the idea of being with him again. "But he left so much undone. So much he had to live for..." Nuriko sighed "His wife, his unborn child..." Nuriko had always wondered why Hotohori had married a woman so like the purple-haired seishi. Every time he thought about it, a little voice inside him whispered, *Could it have been that he loved you?* As much as he tried to ignore the voice, as often as he told himself it couldn't be, that they were only friends, that Hotohori would never think of him that way, his heart never failed to beat a little faster at the possibility.

As Hotohori closed his eyes for the last time, Nuriko went to meet him. Arriving in the afterlife was unpleasant. The darkness of death clung stubbornly to the eyes, robbing the newly dead of their sight. The cold darkness had terrified many, including Nuriko himself. He watched as Hotohori's form slowly coalesced on the floor.

"Nuriko?" Relief washed through him, and he clung to Nuriko, his only link to familiarity in the frigid blackness. Nuriko was surprised when he felt Hotohori's arms encircle him, but returned the embrace, rocking him gently and whispering soothing words. Nuriko... Hotohori buried his face in the other man's shoulder. Always there for me, being strong for me, even now... He remembered all the times Nuriko had been there, comforting him, making him laugh, giving him advice, or just offering quiet support. Yet for all that, I never looked twice at him. I didn't see. He remembered learning too late what Nuriko had meant to him; not only a best friend, but so much more as well. He remembered finally realizing that although he'd denied his feelings or dismissed them as impossible, his love for Nuriko was real. He remembered understanding what it was he'd thrown away -- the chance to be loved the way he'd longed for all his life, the chance to end his aching loneliness. Thrown away for a mere childhood fantasy, an insane infatuation with a mirage...And he never said a word. He hid it so well I never even realized. I was so blind, and so cruel. But through all that I did, he was never any less loyal a friend. He was there for me no matter what. He never asked anything of me. It must have hurt him so much... Nuriko was astonished to feel warm tears soaking through his shirt. In all the time he'd known Hotohori, Nuriko had never once seen him lose control, had never seen him let slip his hidden pain, had never witnessed even the smallest crack in the flawless self-control. "What's wrong, Hotohori-sama? Why the tears?" The tender concern in Nuriko's voice undid Hotohori completely, and he began to sob. How can he forgive me? How can he be so kind to me? How can he give me so much, when I deserve so little?

Nuriko was at a loss for what to do. Hotohori's tears showed no signs of slowing, so Nuriko simply held him, caressing his hair and murmuring softly. After a time, the tears dwindled to a halt. Hotohori sighed deeply and raised his tear-streaked face to Nuriko's worried eyes. "Daijoubu ka?"

"Daijoubu, Nuriko. Please don't worry about me, I'll be all right."

Nuriko studied his face for a moment, then nodded. "I understand. It's a lot to go through. But you should rest now, you must be exhausted. Can you stand?" With Nuriko's help, Hotohori got unsteadily to his feet. He felt drained from the storm of emotion, and everything seemed distant and unreal. He wanted very much to ask Nuriko's forgiveness, but he realized he was in no fit state for it. When I wake up, I'll do it then, he decided. I only hope it isn't too late. His heart ached at the thought. I know now that I love him... but what if he doesn't want me anymore? What if I've hurt him too much? Hotohori tightened his arms around Nuriko, letting himself be reassured when Nuriko hugged him back. Nuriko wondered at the unusual display of affection, but he sternly told his fluttering heart that it was merely emotional aftermath from Hotohori's ordeal. "Come on," he told Hotohori gently, "I'll take you somewhere where you can get some sleep." Hotohori nodded and leaned on Nuriko, trusting in his friend to support and guide him.

The room Nuriko found for him was simple, containing only a bed, a chair, and a washstand. Hotohori had tired quickly, and Nuriko had carried him most of the way. Nuriko set him down gently on the bed and went to the washstand to dip a cloth in the warm water, then returned to the bed and began to wash away the tearstains from Hotohori's face. Hotohori sighed at the softness of Nuriko's touch and closed his eyes, relaxing a little. Nuriko finished and moved to the end of the bed, taking off Hotohori's shoes. He then hesitated, reluctant to do more, but Hotohori struggled to remove his tunic and shirt. Nuriko blushingly went to help him, glad that Hotohori couldn't see the vivid crimson staining his cheeks. That done, Nuriko pulled the sheets up over Hotohori and tucked him in. "Oyasumi, Hotohori-sama," Nuriko murmured. He stood, intending to hold vigil from the chair, but suddenly strong arms caught him and pulled him back.

"Please," Hotohori whispered in a choked voice, "Please, Nuriko, don't leave me here alone! Don't leave me again! Nuriko, please, don't ever leave me again! I don't want to lose you, not again..."

Nuriko was shocked at the fear and pain in Hotohori's pleading voice. "I'll be right here, Hotohori-sama," he began hesitantly, "I'll sit in the chair here, right next to the bed..." But Hotohori merely tightened his grip and shook his head. He can't mean... "Do...do you want me to...to... hold you, for tonight?"

Hotohori nodded, his face buried in Nuriko's shirt. "Please..." he mumbled against his chest. Nuriko strove to get his chaotic thoughts under control. He couldn't forget Hotohori begging him not to go, imploring him. 'I don't want to lose you'... why...? The little voice came back then, whispering unwelcome words of hope. *Because he loves you, baka! If you were just a friend to him, he wouldn't care so much! Didn't you hear the pain in his voice? The fear when he thought you were going to leave him?* No, dammit! That's impossible! He only wants me to stay because he's blind and scared and doesn't want to be alone in a totally unfamiliar place he can't even see!

Nuriko looked down at Hotohori. "Daijoubu, Hotohori-sama, I'll stay. I won't leave you, I promise." Hotohori looked up at him gratefully, and despite his sightlessness, something in the bright golden eyes made Nuriko's heart skip. "Demo....you have to let me go first. I have to take off my own shoes and stuff, too..." Hotohori smiled for the first time since his arrival and released him. Nuriko quickly stripped off his tunic, shirt, and shoes, and slid under the blankets. He smiled softly as Hotohori's warm arms wrapped around him again, holding him close. Maybe I can let myself pretend...just for tonight...He returned the embrace gently, fighting down a momentary impulse to give Hotohori a kiss goodnight.

"Nuriko?"

"Hmm?"

"Doumo arigatou."

"Dou itashimashite, Hotohori-sama." ...

"Nuriko, can I ask just one more small thing of you?"

"Of course! Anything you like." Why does he sound so shy?

"I wish...I wish you wouldn't be so formal with me. There's no need, anymore. I'm not an emperor now, I'm just a man. So please, Nuriko, if you would...please call me Hotohori."

Nuriko smiled, surprised and touched by the gesture. "Hotohori. I'd be very happy to." Hotohori smiled as well, suddenly feeling that everything was going to be fine. I'll tell him in the morning, first thing. Surely he won't turn me away. Surely...

******

With wakefulness returned sight. Hotohori's eyelids fluttered as his sleep-clouded mind tried to figure out whose warm body was snuggled against him. He blinked, and at the sight of the unfamiliar room, memory surged back. Nuriko... Hotohori looked down at his beloved, studying the delicate features relaxed in sleep. So beautiful...He resisted the temptation to lean down and kiss the man he loved, instead reaching out to lightly brush his fingertips against Nuriko's cheek. Hotohori smiled at the silken smoothness of his skin, at the way his lips softly curved in a sleepy smile at the gentle touch. I want so much to tell him...for a moment Hotohori considered whispering his love into Nuriko's ear, but then shook his head. If he were to wake...he blushed. No, I'll wait. When he wakes up, I'll tell him then...Hotohori offered a silent prayer of thanks that he'd been given this second chance. I thought I'd lost him forever. I thought I'd only known too late. I thought I'd never have the chance to tell him how much I love him...

Nuriko woke slowly. He'd spent an uneasy night, worrying about how Hotohori would react to their night spent together. The possibility of a harsh rejection haunted him, however much he tried to dismiss it as unlikely. He woke to find Hotohori's arms still around him. He must still be asleep...Nuriko raised his head, only to find Hotohori looking quietly at him with a serious expression on his face and an unreadable emotion in his golden eyes. Nuriko thought he saw uncertainty there, but the tangled heart's threads were too complex to fully unravel. He hasn't pushed me away...why?

"Nuriko." Nuriko swallowed hard as Hotohori spoke his name. "There's something I need to tell you..." Nuriko shut his eyes. Rejection. In vain he tried to quell the rising tears as his heart twisted into a dull knot of pain. I should have known. He could never feel that way towards me. How could I have been stupid enough to think...Hotohori watched in shock, his words forgotten, as tears began to flow from beneath Nuriko's closed eyelids. What have I done? You would never let me see you cry! Am I destined to hurt you no matter what I do? How many tears have you shed for me, Nuriko? How often have I made you cry? The pain etched into the fragile face tore at Hotohori's heart. I never wanted this...Sorrow and guilt welled up in him, and anguished words rushed from him.

"Please, Nuriko, please don't cry! I'm always hurting you, and I never wanted that! I don't ever want to hurt you! Please don't cry! I only want to make you happy. I...I love you!" Stunned silence. Hotohori felt the chill touch of fear run through him. I was right, I've hurt him too much, he must hate me now...He hung his head as tears started to run down his cheeks. I can't be too late, not again! I have to try... He prayed for the right words to heal the damage he'd done. "I understand if you're angry. I know I've hurt you, and I'm sorry. My heart aches to think I've caused you pain. I don't know if you can ever forgive me, but please, give me just one chance! I was blind, I didn't see, I didn't know until it was too late, and I've regretted it every day since! And then when you were here, I thought I'd been given another chance, a chance to apologize, to make things right. I want to make amends for my mistakes, for the pain I've caused you. I love you, I know that now. If you'll just give me one more chance, I swear I'll make you happy. I'll make right what happened. Ai shiteru, Nuriko..."

As Hotohori spoke, Nuriko could only listen in silent amazement. He loves me? Did he really say that? The silence spun out until Hotohori startled him by despairingly hiding his face in Nuriko's shoulder. "Onegai, Nuriko, ai shiteru..." He thinks I hate him! Still a little disbelieving, he cupped a hand under Hotohori's chin and gently raised his face to meet his eyes. He looked steadily into the golden warmth, searching in them to find the truth. And beyond the heartache and despair, he saw a love deep and strong. He smiled, closing his eyes, and for a moment, he just let his joy sing through him.

As Hotohori timidly met Nuriko's violet gaze, he felt the ache in his chest lessen. He understood the question in Nuriko's eyes, and sought to answer with his own. He tried to say with his heart all that he couldn't put into words. If I can make him see, if I can make him believe...He saw Nuriko smile then, and felt hope returning to him at the joy in his beloved's eyes.

Nuriko leaned close to him, and softly began to kiss away the tears from his lover's face. Hotohori sighed and closed his eyes. "Hotohori..." hearing his name murmured, he opened them again, found himself breathless at the warmth and intensity of the love in the shining violet eyes. "My love, I could never hate you. Any wrong you may have done me, I forgive you. Any pain you may have caused me, it's not important. If you love me now, that's all that matters. I never stopped loving you. Ai shiteru, Hotohori."

As an impossible joy soared through his soul, Hotohori pulled his love close in a tender embrace. Their arms tightened around one another, and their lips met in a kiss sweet with all the promise of a new beginning, as their voices together whispered words of hope and joy..."Ai shiteru."

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