Do I deserve him?
****
Author's Note: I'd just like to insert here and comment that at this point, Karasu said, "Stop analyzing and start kissing, boy!" ((Sorry. I thought it was really funny. End of aside.))
****
It was a wonderful dream. He’d never really had a dream like this before. In his dreams, if he dared kiss Subaru, Subaru usually slapped him. His dreams were disgustingly realistic most of the time, if they weren’t nightmares altogether.
::Seishirou?::
That was different, too. The Tree never spoke up in his dreams. Seishirou ignored him.
::Seishirou, master, provider of food and bounty, I’ve got some bad news for you . . .::
::What?:: Seishirou finally replied.
::You’re not dreaming.::
::WHAT?!::
Seishirou sat bolt upright, ending the kiss abruptly and staring down at what looked like a very shocked -- and very real -- Subaru. Then he suppressed a moan and put his hands over his face. “Gomen nasai,” he said. “I . . . I thought . . . that I was dreaming. I . . . I would never . . .”
Subaru sat up slowly. “Iie . . .” he said, voice soft. “Don’t worry about it, Seishirou-san. I’m not angry with you.”
He felt a twinge of regret. It was not, after all, the whole truth. But how could he tell Seishirou what he was thinking?
I never realized how much you loved me. I’m not sure I ever realized you were capable of it. And now that I know . . . am I capable?
And even if he was, how could they be happy together? He was married, and had two children, and no matter how much Mitsuki said she could understand . . . it wasn’t fair to her.
After Seishirou had broken his heart -- and his heart really had been truly broken -- he had decided that he didn’t want love, that friends were better. Friends could hurt you, true, but not the same way. Not with the intensity that a lover could. Marrying Mitsuki had kept him safe forever from love.
Or so he had thought.
I used her as an excuse all these years, and I never even realized it. An excuse to avoid Seishirou-san, an excuse to never look for anyone else to love, because I had to be faithful to her.
And you knew, didn’t you, Mitsuki-chan. And you accepted that, because you love me.
I don’t deserve her any more than I deserve him. How could I have been so selfish all these years?
Without . . . ever . . . even knowing.
Seishirou glanced over at the clock to avoid looking at Subaru. “It’s early,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady.
“Yeah,” Subaru said. “I . . . I couldn’t sleep. I thought I’d wake you, because you looked like you were having a bad dream.”
“I was,” Seishirou said. He noticed that Subaru’s hands had twisted in the blankets, and he had a remarkably distressed look on his face. Whatever he was thinking had upset him a great deal.
Seishirou opened his mouth to ask, but the Tree intervened. ::Don’t, Seishirou. He doesn’t want to talk about it yet. Give him some time to think it over.::
::I made an ass out of myself, didn’t I.::
::Yes, you did. Maybe all for the best, though.::
::Why didn’t he push me away?::
::Because you scared him, Seishirou. He didn’t know how much you loved him, and once he realized, he didn’t want to push away. Because he’s afraid that he’ll hurt you again, and that’s not what he wants.::
::How could he not have known?::
::Basic human nature, Seishirou. People don’t see what they don’t want to see. The Sumeragi did not want to know, therefore he never realized.::
::That I love him?::
::That one lie doesn’t make somebody a liar.::
****
“Are you sure about this, Hokuto-chan?” Subaru regarded his sister and the scissors dubiously.
Hokuto waved away his concerns. “Of course I’m sure! We haven’t pretended to be each other in years; it’ll be great fun.”
“Well . . . okay . . .” Subaru winced and began to cut his sister’s hair. It took him about a half hour to get her hair to be a reasonable copy of his. “Here,” he said, handing her his red-brimmed hat. “This should take care of any imperfections. I came over wearing it, so . . .”
Hokuto nodded and perched the hat on her head. “We’re ready, come in!” she called to Seishirou.
He walked in and blinked.
“How is it?” she asked.
“Pretty good,” Seishirou said. Hokuto had changed into the loose collar shirt and black slacks Subaru had come over wearing. Seishirou looked between the two of them for a minute. “Very good, actually. Have to do something about that, though.”
“About what?” Hokuto asked.
“Profile,” Seishirou said, motioning to Hokuto’s chest.
“Oh.” Hokuto looked down. “Right.”
Seishirou handed her a roll of duct tape. “Get to it,” he said, pulling Subaru out of the room and half-smiling at Hokuto grumbling behind them.
“Were we followed here?” Subaru asked Seishirou, sipping the tea his sister had given him.
Seishirou nodded. “They were very good about it, but not much gets past the Tree and I.”
Hokuto came out flat-chested and red-faced. “This is terribly uncomfortable,” she announced.
“I can imagine,” Seishirou said.
“You can’t,” Hokuto mumbled. Then she did a pirouette for her husband, who was looking on silently. “What do you think, ‘Kyou-chan?”
“You look very nice,” Kakyou said solemnly.
“The shoes didn’t fit,” Hokuto said. “So I’ll have to wear a pair of mine and hope that they don’t notice. When do I need to leave?”
“Not for about an hour yet.” Subaru was pacing back and forth. “It should only take about twenty minutes to get there.”
Seishirou handed her a briefcase.
“What’s in it?” Hokuto asked, starting to open it before they answered. Then she let out a low whistle. “You actually put the money in?”
Seishirou nodded. “We don’t want them to think anything is funny about the drop. Follow the instructions to the letter. Put the briefcase down and leave. If anything goes wrong, the Tree will protect you.”
Hokuto nodded, not looking nervous in the slightest. “Where’d you get all this?” she asked curiously. “I know being Sumeragi Head pays well, but this . . . this is a lot of cash.”
“Half of it’s mine,” Subaru said, then continued softly, “the other half is Seishirou-san’s.”
Hokuto raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Seishirou shrugged, looking away from her questioning gaze.
“Okay,” she finally said. “I’ve got the easy job, ne?”
Seishirou nodded with a half-smile.
“How are you going to get the money back?” Kakyou asked curiously.
“Oh, that’s right. I almost forgot.” Seishirou took the briefcase back from Hokuto and dug into the stack of bills. Halfway through one of them, he pulled out a single bill and marked it with a pentagram. “Now, unless they split it up, I’ll be able to track it down afterwards.”
Subaru nodded, relieved. “So when are they supposed to be returning Mitsuki and the kids?”
“According to the note,” Hokuto said, pulling it out, “if you follow their instructions, your family will be waiting for you at home when you get there.”
“Though the likelihood of that . . .” Seishirou’s voice trailed off.
“Well, that’s why we’re doing it this way,” Hokuto said, tilting her hat back. “My eyelashes are too long.”
“Yes, but there’s not much we can do about it,” Seishirou said.
“Hokuto-chan . . .” Subaru looked at his sister, then away. “Can I talk to you for a few minutes?”
“Sure.” Hokuto took him by the arm and pulled him into the bedroom. “What’s wrong?”
“I . . . I’m . . . that’s . . . um . . .” Subaru searched for a way to start the conversation. Finally, he came up with, “I’m in love with Seishirou-san.”
If he expected sympathy or surprise, he didn’t get it. Actually, Hokuto sat on her bed and started to giggle.
“It’s not funny,” Subaru moaned, flopping facedown on the bed next to her.
“G-Gomen,” Hokuto managed, then took off in another fit of giggles. “I’ve just been waiting so long to hear you say that . . .”
“Hokuto-chan, be serious,” Subaru snapped, sitting up.
Hokuto cleared her throat. “So. You love Seishirou-san.”
He nodded, looking at the floor.
“And what brought on this sudden change of heart?”
“It’s not . . . really . . . a change of heart.”
“So you’ve been in love with Seishirou the whole time.”
Subaru nodded, still staring down at his feet.
“Then what brought on this sudden realization?”
Subaru wondered if there was any way he could describe what had happened in the alley without his sister holding it over his head for the rest of his life. Most likely not. How else to explain, then? “He . . .”
“Spit it out, Subaru-chan.”
“He kissed me,” Subaru blurted, then winced and went back to staring at the floor.
Hokuto, quite admirably, kept herself from bursting out into more laughter. “I see. When was this?”
“Yesterday,” Subaru said miserably.
“And you wanted to kiss back?”
Subaru just nodded.
Hokuto hated to sound skeptical, but Subaru had to admit more than what he was saying. “That doesn’t necessarily mean you love him, Subaru-chan.”
“But . . .” Subaru’s voice faded for a second, then came back. “I just got to thinking. I’ve been so unfair to him this whole time. He told me who he really was as soon as he realized he loved me. He . . . he lied, but . . . he told me the truth when it mattered. And I was so busy being broken-hearted that I never considered his feelings at all.” He buried his head in his hands. “I’ve been so selfish. I used Mitsuki to hide from him, without ever even realizing it. I’ve hurt everybody who loves me.”
Hokuto reached over and smoothed Subaru’s hair, then drew him into a comforting hug.
“Why didn’t anyone ever say anything?” Subaru asked. “Why didn’t anyone ever tell me I was being an ass? Why did I have to get the information from that damn Tree?!”
Hokuto blinked. “You talked to the Tree?”
“The Tree talked to me,” Subaru corrected.
“What did it say to you?”
“That it didn’t allow anyone to hurt its master, and that included me, and I was to stop being stupid immediately.”
Hokuto bit her lips to keep from laughing. “That sounds like the Tree.”
“Have you ever talked to it?”
“No, but I’ve heard Seishirou complain. As to why nobody ever said anything . . . well, for one, I did. So don’t get mad at me. I just gave up eventually. Seishirou thought you never wanted to see him again, so he backed off and let you have that, because he didn’t want to hurt you anymore. Or be hurt anymore, though you won’t catch him admitting it. As for Mitsuki -- I bet she tried, and I bet you never believed her.”
Subaru thought back to some of the things Mitsuki had said. “She told me I was a coward,” he said softly. “I guess she was right.”
Hokuto held him tighter.
“I’m afraid I’ll never see her again.” Tears started to slide down Subaru’s cheeks. “So much could go wrong tonight. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to ask her to forgive me.”
“It’ll be okay, Subaru-chan.” Hokuto wiped the tears away. “We’ll get her back.”
Subaru nodded a little. “I want . . .” His voice trailed off. After a second, he managed to start again. “I want to make things work . . . with Seishirou-san. Because . . . I owe him that much. And I owe that to Mitsuki, too. But . . . he loves me so much. I don’t know if I’m capable of that sort of love. I don’t think I deserve him.”
“Subaru-chan, what you deserve has nothing to do with it, though I think you do deserve him. If you’re what he wants, if you can provide him with the greatest happiness . . . that’s not yours to question. He doesn’t want somebody better, Subaru-chan -- he wants you.”
Subaru nodded slowly. “I . . . I guess.”
“Have you told him yet?”
“No.” Subaru avoided his sister’s reproachful look. “I want . . . no, I need to talk to Mitsuki first.”
Hokuto nodded. “Okay.”
“Good luck tonight, Hokuto-chan.”
“To you too, Subaru.”
****
Part Eight
TB/X Fics