Chapter Eight: Reunion
Remus stopped in the owlery before he left and got Polaris. The owl wouldn’t want to ride in the carriage anyway, it would be easier if he just flew. Remus scribbled a brief note to Allister. “Must see you, very important, will be back at my apartment tonight. Please come. Remus.”
It seemed Polaris flew very fast, because by the time Remus got to his apartment, Allister was already there. Remus blinked as he walked into the apartment. He smelled something cooking.
“Welcome back,” Allister said, poking his head out of the kitchen. “I figured, no one having been here for almost a year, I should pop in and clean up a bit. You know, stock the refrigerator. Dust. Cook dinner.”
“You’re a lifesaver,” Remus said gratefully, setting down his suitcase. He walked over and embraced Allister.
“So you have news?” Allister asked.
Remus walked over to Polaris and smoothed down his feathers. “Yes. Big news. How long until dinner?”
“At least a half hour. It’s in the oven.”
“All right, then. Get a drink and sit down.”
Allister gave him a suspicious look, then asked, “Shall I make tea?”
“Sure.” Remus half-collapsed onto the sofa and stared at the ceiling until Allister came out with two mugs of tea.
“So what’s the story?” Allister asked. “I read in the paper this morning that Sirius was nearly captured at Hogwarts last night. Escaped in the nick of time, yet no one knows how. You have anything to do with that?”
“With his escape, no,” Remus said. “Full moon, and I forgot to take my potion.”
“Oh,” Allister said. He gave Remus a careful look. “Are you upset?”
“No,” Remus replied. “Allister . . . promise to believe me?”
Allister narrowed his eyes. “I don’t promise to believe you, but I promise to listen impartially.”
“Good enough,” Remus said. “Sirius is innocent.”
Allister choked on his tea. “Did I hear you correctly?”
Remus nodded, calmly sipping his own tea. “Let me give you the whole story,” he said. He started at the beginning and explained everything. Allister listened silently, interrupting only occasionally to clarify a point.
“Wow,” he finally said when Remus was done. “It’s . . . all that’s really true?”
“I saw Peter with my own eyes,” Remus replied quietly. “I heard him confess. It’s true. Dumbledore will back me up.”
Allister was silent for a long minute, absorbing everything he’d just heard. “Wow,” he finally said again, then he managed, “Poor Sirius. To be an innocent man in Azkaban for twelve years . . .”
“I’m trying not to think about it,” Remus said with a nod.
“So where is he now?” Allister asked.
“I have no idea,” Remus said with a sigh. “Listen, Allister . . . this has to remain secret. There’s no proof of any of this. If we try to say anything, we’d probably just be thrown into Azkaban ourselves. It was hard enough for Dumbledore to get me out of trouble in the first place.”
“Not even my parents?” Allister asked doubtfully.
“Allister, I love your parents dearly, but they’d want something done,” Remus said quietly. “If they knew, they would try to convince the Ministry and it would be nothing but trouble. You and I can understand the theory behind just letting him keep runnning.”
“Doesn’t mean I like it,” Allister grumbled. He gave Remus a curious look. “You knew all along, didn’t you? Somewhere deep down inside.”
Remus shrugged. “Dumbledore seemed to think so.”
“It’s just . . . the rest of us all managed to let go, and move on. And you never could. I think that might be why.”
“Well, it’s not like it does any good,” Remus said.
“True enough,” Allister said. “But I think it’ll mean something to him.”
Remus managed a smile.
“So how’re you going to find him?” Allister asked. “And why did you tell me, if no one is supposed to know?”
“Because I may need your help,” Remus said. “And if I didn’t tell anyone, I thought I might burst. As for how I’m going to find him, I don’t know.”
“Well . . . I wish you the best of luck. You know that.” Allister checked his watch. “Dinner’s got to be ready by now. Let’s eat.”
Remus smiled. “Thanks, Allister. I’ll send you an owl as soon as Sirius contacts me . . . or as soon as I manage to contact him.”
****
It was hard for Remus to force himself to wait the three days he had said he was giving Sirius. Knowing that Sirius was alive and innocent, yet not with him, was almost more than he could bear. The three days, however, gave no sign of any word from Sirius. So Remus went to Diagon Alley. Dumbledore had said he would deposit his year’s worth of earnings in his Gringotts vault for him, and Remus figured he would need a lot of it.
He bought a set of robes about Sirius’ size, guessing that, wherever he was, he was still dressed in the tatters that Remus had last seen him in. Then he bought some other supplies and went back to his apartment.
He put all the supplies into his suitcase, then pointed his wand at it. “Reducio.” The suitcase obligingly shrank to about the size of his fist. Remus picked it up and put it in one of his pockets, then secured his wand in his belt.
Remus went over to Polaris and smiled down at the bird. “Polaris, would you like to see Sirius again?”
Polaris hooted eagerly.
Remus reflected he looked like an idiot, standing there having a conversation with an owl. “Do you remember when Sirius first got you? And he bragged and bragged about how smart you were and how you could always, always find him?”
Polaris hooted again, looking wise.
In truth, Remus knew very little about how the owl system worked. Some owls were smarter than others, of course, and snowy owls were known for extreme intelligence and loyalty. Polaris had simply adored Sirius; he had always been able to find his master no matter what the distance or difficulty.
“Meet me up on the roof, all right?” he asked the owl.
Polaris nodded and took off out the window. Remus Apparated up onto the roof and met him there.
“We’re going to go find Sirius,” he said. “But you’re going to have to fly slowly, because I’m going to be following you. It may be a very long flight; I don’t know where he is.”
Polaris hooted once, then took off.
Remus hastily got on his broomstick and followed. His stomach lurched as Polaris swerved east suddenly. He swallowed hard. God, I forgot how much I hate flying, he thought. He couldn’t even close his eyes and hide, like he’d always been prone to do. He had to keep his eyes on Polaris, who was by now very far in the distance.
Polaris, however, seemed to know exactly what he was doing. He flew seemingly without direction, but whenever he seemed to be going out of Remus’ sight, he slowed down and did a slow loop around Remus to reassure him.
By dusk, they had reached the English Channel. Remus halted in midair, hovering. Polaris came back and perched lightly on his broomstick handle. “Over the water?” Remus asked weakly. He wasn’t fond of this idea at all. The Channel wasn’t wide; they’d be able to cross it in about a half an hour, but . . .
Polaris just looked at him.
“All right.” Remus took a deep breath. “All right. Lead the way, but stay close. It’s harder to see you in the dark.”
Polaris hooted and took off. He was now careful to stay no more than ten feet ahead of Remus. Halfway across the Channel, it started to rain. Remus pushed his sopping hair out of his face and wished that owls could just Apparate. That would have made this entire crazy adventure much easier.
They flew all night and well into the next day, at which point Polaris stopped to rest. Most of the food Remus brought required some preparation, so he ate some bread that did nothing to satisfy his gnawing hunger. He didn’t dare take a nap, as he knew he wouldn’t be able to wake up again until he’d had a full night’s sleep. So after only an hour’s rest, they were airborne again.
It was still raining, but as they went east, it stopped and turned colder. Then Polaris stopped suddenly in midair, gave Remus an apologetic look, and turned back to go the way they’d come. Remus cursed profusely. Sirius would have to move while they were looking.
They flew back into the rain. Remus had been in the air three days and two nights when Polaris finally dipped down and settled on the roof of a small shack. Remus touched down beside it, shivering uncontrollably from cold and prolonged fear. “I’m never flying again,” he murmured fervently.
It was dark and raining steadily. Remus knew that they had reached their destination; there was a hippogriff tethered to a post outside the shack. Fortunately for him, Buckbeak was asleep.
Polaris flew down and perched on Remus’ shoulder as he knocked on the door. There was no answer. Remus paused, then hesitantly turned the knob. It was unlocked, so he opened it and went in. The shack was even smaller than it looked, and the only furniture was a table and a bed. There was a fire burning in the fireplace, and a large black dog curled up in front of it.
It made sense, Remus supposed. If someone were to walk in and see Sirius, they might recognize him. But if they walked in and saw a dog, they would just assume the owner of the house wasn’t there. Sirius was apparently asleep, because he didn’t twitch as Remus walked in.
Remus cleared his throat and tried to think of something to say. His head hurt and the world was blurry; he guessed it was because he hadn’t slept or eaten for three days. He was still cold right down to his core, and wanted nothing more than to get out of his wet clothes and take a nap. Preferably with Sirius next to him.
Polaris apparently grew annoyed with his indecision and let out a loud hoot.
Sirius was on his feet immediately, a low growl in the back of his throat. Then he stopped, stared, and transformed back to human. “Remus,” he said, surprised.
“You didn’t write,” Remus said with a weary smile. “I figured you must not have any paper and ink.”
“How did you get here?” Sirius asked, still gaping at him.
“Flew,” Remus said. “Followed Polaris. You were right, Sirius. He can always find you. Took three days, nonstop.”
“You flew for three days?” Sirius asked incredulously. “But you hate flying!”
“Right,” Remus said. “And now . . . if you don’t mind . . . I think I’m going to pass out.”
He slumped forward then, his knees buckling underneath him, and was only aware of Sirius catching him as he fell.
****
When Remus awoke, he still felt exhausted. He tried to take stock in his surroundings. There was no noise except the gentle patter of rain on the roof and the fire. He had a few dim memories of waking up other times, but everything was blurry.
“Shh,” Sirius said. “You still have a fever. You shouldn’t be awake.”
Remus closed his eyes. “How long has it been since I got here?” He was surprised to hear his own voice; it was hoarse and weak.
“Three days,” Sirius replied. “You’ve been unconscious ever since.” He paused, then said softly, “I was worried.”
Remus winced. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I just couldn’t lose you again. I had to come find you. Just my luck that it was raining . . .” He was slowly becoming aware that his head hurt and his body ached and his throat was sore. His nose was plugged and breathing was difficult.
“You need to rest,” Sirius said. “You won’t get better if you don’t.”
Remus reflected that he would have given a lot for one of Madame Pomfrey’s potions right about then. He hated being sick, especially when there was no fast way to get better. At least, he reflected, he didn’t have to worry about the moon anytime soon. “Is this the first time I’ve woken up?” he asked.
“Sort of,” Sirius said, his hands smoothing Remus’ hair. “You’ve been half-awake some of the time. Terrible dreams . . . that’s the fever, I suppose.”
Remus couldn’t recall any of the dreams he’d had, and he decided that this was a good thing.
“Get some more sleep,” Sirius said, but Remus had already drifted off again.
When he woke up again, Sirius was again asleep in front of the fire, this time in human form. He felt much better, though still very tired, and figured that his fever must have gone down quite a bit. He sat up in bed and shivered, realizing that he was naked. He tried desperately to suppress the blush. Sirius couldn’t have just dumped him in bed in his soaked robes.
Sirius yawned and looked up at him. “Feeling better?” he asked.
Remus nodded. “Uhm . . . where are my clothes?”
“Oh, they’re over here.” Sirius picked up a dark bundle and handed them over. “I dried them for you.”
Remus got out of bed and pulled them on. His suitcase, he found, was still in the pocket, so he took it out and returned it to its original size.
“That’s clever,” Sirius said with a slight smile. “Wonder why we never thought of it when we had to cram into the sidecar of that motorcycle.”
“It takes a bored mind to think of these things,” Remus said. “And we were never bored.”
“That’s true. We weren’t.”
Remus sat back down on the edge of the bed, and motioned for Sirius to sit next to him. He did so, moving awkwardly and giving Remus brief glances before looking away again.
“I missed you,” Remus finally said. “I missed you so much. I never . . . I could never make myself forget you, as hard as I tried. I never believed it, deep down inside. I kept looking for a loophole, but I never found one.”
“It’s all right,” Sirius whispered.
“Sirius, why didn’t you tell me you were switching places?” Remus asked quietly. “That could have saved us so . . . so much pain.”
Sirius glanced at him, then quickly glanced away. “I was trying to protect you,” he said softly. “I thought if I was the Secret-Keeper, Voldemort would go after you instead of me. He would hurt you to make me tell him, and I thought I wouldn’t be able to take that.”
Remus blinked. “But since you didn’t tell anyone you were switching, it still could have happened.”
“Yes, I know,” Sirius said heavily. “But then at least I wouldn’t have been able to give the secret to Voldemort. At least then James would have been safe.”
Remus sighed. “I suppose, but you still could have told Voldemort that Peter was the Secret-Keeper.”
Sirius looked away. “It made sense at the time,” he mumbled.
Remus smiled wistfully. “You never think things through, Sirius. It used to bother me, but . . . during all these years, I would’ve given anything for a burst of spontaneity. My life was very dull without you, you know. Very dull and quiet and . . . lonely.”
“I’m sorry,” Sirius said, steadfastly looking at the floor. “I broke my promise. I left you alone.”
“Well, you certainly didn’t mean to,” Remus said. “I’ll admit I was angry . . . but I’m not anymore. I’m just too glad to have you back again.”
“I’m surprised you’d still want me anymore,” Sirius said.
Remus stared at him. “Sirius . . . why wouldn’t I want you?”
“Because . . . we can never have a normal life anymore,” Sirius said. “There’s really no way to prove that I’m innocent, and . . . and . . . Remus, you don’t understand, I don’t know how to feel anymore.”
Remus reached out one hand and traced down the side of Sirius’ face. “I know. Dumbledore explained it to me. It’ll come back, Sirius. You just have to give it time.”
“I don’t think it will,” Sirius said, staring at Remus with a desperate look in his eyes. “Remus, I don’t remember how to love, how to . . . how to live. I just don’t know how. I don’t remember what hope is. I don’t -- ”
“Shh.” Remus cut him off by leaning forward and brushing his lips over Sirius’. “Sirius, I want you to listen to me for a moment, all right?”
Sirius nodded slightly.
“You can do this,” Remus said firmly. “I know you can. It’s going to hurt and it’s going to be hard, but you can. You were always a stubborn bastard, and that’s who you need to be right now. I’ll stay with you through this, I promise.”
“But -- ”
“Sirius, you don’t remember how to hope, so of course you believe it can’t be done. But I do know how to hope, and I can hope enough for both of us. Believe in me. Believe in yourself. We can make it through this.”
Sirius leaned forward, resting his head in the hollow of Remus’ shoulder. “I want so badly to believe you . . .”
“I know it’s hard,” Remus said. “Believe me, the year after . . . after you were taken away, I thought I wouldn’t even be able to live, let alone ever be happy again. But this past year, I was better. It never stopped hurting . . . and I never stopped loving you . . . but I was able to think about other things.” He lifted his arms and put them around Sirius’ shoulders. “Just believe me, Sirius. We can make this work. Don’t give up on me now.”
Sirius said nothing. His entire body trembled.
“You know, our house is still there,” Remus said, still holding him. “All our furniture and everything inside. No one wanted it. No one even wanted to go near it. It can be ours again, when all this is over. I know things will never be like they used to be, but . . . we can be.”
“I don’t know how,” Sirius whispered, his voice muffled in Remus’ shoulder. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I can help you, Sirius. You have to let me help you.”
Sirius shivered.
Remus fumbled for words. There had to be some way to make Sirius understand. “Sirius, I want to be with you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, really. Even when you were in prison, even when I thought you were a murderer, I still wanted to be with you. You’re part of me. I couldn’t let you go even if I wanted to. And I’m not leaving you.”
“Okay,” Sirius whispered, lifting his head. “I . . . believe you.”
Remus ran his fingers over Sirius’ face, as if memorizing every inch of it. “I missed you so much,” he whispered. “It’s hard to even believe that you’re right here in front of me . . . that I’ll be able to go to bed and know you’ll be next to me when I wake up . . .”
Sirius stared at him, a rather blank look.
“It’s okay,” Remus said. “I know you don’t remember what it’s like to want that. But maybe once you’ve been with me for a little longer, you’ll know.”
“Do you know why I spent so much time as a dog this past year?” Sirius asked quietly. “It was because when I was human . . . it hurt too much. To remember. To feel. An animal’s feelings are less complex, less important. When things got bad, I would transform . . . just so I wouldn’t have to be human.”
Remus said nothing, simply continued to caress his face.
“I’m telling you because . . . it feels like I don’t want to be human. To feel. It hurts too much. Even good feelings . . . like watching Harry play Quidditch . . . it hurts, Remus. And I’m so tired of hurting.”
“You’ll get used to it again,” Remus said. “I promise. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but there’s . . . there are really wonderful feelings out there. And you’ll feel them again.”
Sirius just leaned against him.
“Are you hungry?” Remus asked.
Sirius nodded silently.
“All right. We’re going to start the effort to humanize you again.” Remus gave Sirius a wink to show that he didn’t mean it. “Do you have running water in this place?”
Sirius nodded again, pointing to a stained ceramic sink in the corner.
Remus stood up and walked over to it, then filled it with water. “First things first,” he said. “We’re going to fix your hair.”
Sirius looked both nervous and suspicious at this statement.
“Come on, Padfoot, it’s one big tangle.” Remus reached into his suitcase and brought out on the things he’d bought in Diagon Alley before leaving. It was sort of like a Swiss Army knife, except that it only had one blade, which would change to be whatever he needed it to be. He pulled it out to reveal a pair of scissors, then sat behind Sirius on the bed. “It’s all right?”
“Yes,” Sirius said simply.
Remus cut Sirius’ hair at his chin, mostly so he wouldn’t have to deal with the tangles. Then he took out his hairbrush and carefully brushed it out. “Come on, let’s go wash this mess,” he said, his voice gently teasing. He took Sirius by the hand and led him over to the sink, then made him dip his head in. He had remembered to bring soap only at the last minute, but was now extremely glad he had, because Sirius’ hair was ratty and greasy and not very pleasant in the slightest.
He finished washing it and carefully toweled it dry. “Feel any better?”
Sirius ran his hands through his now clean hair. “A little, yeah.”
“I’d suggest a bath if there was a bathtub,” Remus said, looking around. “But at this point I’m just going to opt for dinner and some sleep.”
He went over to his suitcase and pulled out the box of Minute Meals he’d brought with him. The lazy man’s dream. Just add magic.
“Aren’t those things expensive?” Sirius asked curiously.
“They’ve gotten a little cheaper,” Remus replied. “And anyway, I have an entire year of Hogwarts salary that I hardly spent any of.”
“I suppose you can’t work there anymore, can you,” Sirius said quietly.
“No, but mostly because Snape told everyone I’m a werewolf,” Remus said with a shrug, taking out a tiny packet labeled ‘chicken’ and another labeled ‘potatoes.’ “Do you have any plates?”
Sirius got out two and handed them to him. “Snape did what?” he asked, his eyes glinting.
Remus rolled his eyes. “Let’s not get too vindictive. He’s already angry enough that you got away.” Remus emptied the two packets onto plates and waved his wand over them, muttering the incantation he read off the box. The meal sprung up out of nowhere. “I’ve grown rather fond of these meals, actually,” he said. “They’re very easy and I’m not much of a cook.”
“I . . . remember,” Sirius said thoughtfully. Then he managed a smile. “I remember something.”
Remus smiled back. “Good. That’s definitely a start.”
They ate standing up, as there were no chairs. By the time they had finished, Remus’ exhaustion had caught up with him. “Leave the dishes,” he said with a yawn. “Let’s go to sleep.”
He flopped down on the bed and crawled under the covers, then looked at Sirius expectantly.
Sirius put out the lamp, then sat down hesitantly.
“Come on.” Remus pulled him slightly so he was lying down, then put the blankets over him. Sirius lay on his back, his entire body tense, staring up at the ceiling. Remus snuggled up next to him, laying his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “Do you remember this?”
“I remember I used to lie awake at night and listen to you breathe,” Sirius whispered. “And I remember liking to do that.” His arm slowly came to rest around Remus’ waist.
“Then relax,” Remus said. “Just listen for a while. Everything’s going to be okay.”
“It hurts, Remus.” Sirius closed his eyes.
“I know. But it’ll be worth it in the end. I swear.”
Silence for a few seconds.
“I love you, Sirius.”
“I . . . I know.” Sirius took a deep breath. “I’ll do my best for you. I promise.”
“That’s all I wanted,” Remus murmured. He closed his eyes, resting his head on Sirius’ chest.
Sirius said nothing more, just lay there, listening to Remus’ heart beat, listening to him breathe.
At long length, they slept.
****
Part Nine
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