Chapter Four: Betrayal
“How’s James?” Remus asked softly, pouring Sirius a mug of tea and putting it on the table in front of him.
Sirius collapsed bonelessly into the chair. “Scared,” he said flatly. “And who wouldn’t be, in his position.”
Remus put aside the translation he’d been working on for Dumbledore. He’d found it hard to get regular work, as he felt morally obligated to inform his would-be employers of the fact that he was a werewolf. Sirius had protested that he was perfectly capable of supporting the both of them, but Remus had never allowed that to deter him. Recently, he’d been doing research for Dumbledore on anything that might stop Voldemort. No luck, of course, but it made him feel useful all the same.
“And Lily?” he asked.
“She’s staying calmer than James, but not by much. I think she’s trying to keep it together for Harry’s sake. Can’t be good for him, growing up in such a terrified enviroment.” Sirius took a long drink of the tea. “Any progress with that thing?”
Remus gave the pile of parchment a brief glare. “Not really. I don’t think it contains anything useful, but we’ll see. Has Dumbledore come up with anything useful?”
Sirius hesitated for a second. “Yes,” he finally said. “And you won’t like it.”
“Uh oh.” Remus sighed and took another drink of his tea. “All right, then, what is it?”
“Have you ever heard of the Fidelius Charm?” Sirius asked.
Remus frowned. “It sounds vaguely familiar, but offhand I can’t place it. What is it?”
“It’s a spell that allows a secret to be contained by a living soul,” Sirius explained. “And as long as the person doesn’t divulge the secret, it can be kept for eternity. Voldemort could be looking James right in the face and not notice he was there, if I -- ” he paused. “If the Secret-Keeper hadn’t told him where to find them.”
Remus naturally picked up on the slip. “If you.”
Sirius sighed. “James wants it to be me.”
Remus said nothing for a long minute, sipping his tea. “And are you going to agree to this?”
“I will,” Sirius said softly. “If it’s all right with you.”
Remus didn’t reply.
“We’ll have to go into hiding,” Sirius said. “Both of us. We wouldn’t have any other choice. But for James and Lily and Harry, I will. I want them to be safe.”
“It could be someone else,” Remus blurted out.
“James says I’m the only one he would trust with this,” Sirius replied. “I would die before I betrayed him, you know that.”
“I know it,” Remus said, looking away.
“I’d do the same for you. You know that too, right?”
“I know,” Remus repeated.
Sirius walked over and put his hand under Remus’ chin, tilting his head up. “Remus, I’m not doing this because I love you any less. I’m doing it because it has to be done. If you really don’t want me to, I won’t.”
“No,” Remus said, looking away. “You’re right. And James deserves the best Secret-Keeper he can get.”
“Thank you.” Sirius kissed him on the forehead. “I’ll start arrangements to leave the country. It’ll be all right, Remus.”
“I know,” Remus said wearily.
****
“Are you all packed?” Sirius asked.
Remus nodded. “All ready to go. Said my goodbyes and everything.”
“All right,” Sirius said. “Look, I’m going to go check in on James and Lily one last time before we go. I’ll be back in about an hour.”
“Can I come?” Remus asked.
Sirius hesitated. “You’re not supposed to know where they are, love. Remember?”
“Oh.” Remus sighed. “Yes, that’s right. All right, I’ll wait.”
Sirius gave him a kiss and left.
Remus waited, pacing around the small house. He’d been depressed when he’d started packing; after how much he’d loved their house, leaving it hurt in a way he didn’t really understand. It would still be there when they came back. There was no reason to be so sad about it. But he was anyway.
So he waited. And waited.
And waited.
By the time an hour and a half had passed, he was nervous. Two hours, he was frightened. At three hours, he was in full blown panic. He didn’t want to leave the house in case Sirius came back, but he couldn’t simply wait and do nothing. He finally fastened a note to Dumbledore to Polaris and sent him out into the sky.
He got a reply back from Dumbledore immediately. All it said was “Come see me at once.”
Remus took a few deep breaths to steady himself, trying to squelch the butterfiles in his stomach. He wrote a brief note to Sirius explaining where he was in case he returned, and used Floo Powder to get to the castle. He began to run headlong up the stairs, rounded a corner, and collided with Snape.
“Sorry,” Remus gasped out, hauling himself to his feet. “Didn’t mean to . . . to . . .” He stopped short at the odd look Snape was giving him. “What?”
“Why are you here?” Snape asked brusquely.
“I have to see Dumbledore,” Remus said. “Sirius is gone. He left to check on Lily and James and he never came back.”
Snape eyed him a long second, then nodded. “Follow me.”
Remus stumbled along after Snape as he went back the way he had come and led him into Dumbledore’s office. The Headmaster was standing at the window, staring out. He turned as they came in. “Remus,” he said, inclining his head a little. “Sit down.”
Remus thudded into a seat.
Dumbledore turned to Snape. “Thank you, Severus,” he said in a tone of voice which clearly dismissed the other man.
Snape muttered something and left the room.
“What’s going on?” Remus asked, his stomach turning to ice at the serious look on Dumbledore’s face.
“Remus, there is no kind way to tell you this,” Dumbledore said. “Therefore I shall be brief.” He took a deep breath. “James and Lily are dead.”
Remus stared at him. “No.”
“I’m afraid so,” Dumbledore said softly.
“But . . . how . . . Sirius . . . he was their . . . he wouldn’t . . .” Remus stammered helplessly.
Dumbledore met Remus’ eyes. “Voldemort could not have found them if Sirius had not divulged the secret.”
Remus felt his insides tie into one solid knot. “Sirius would never . . .”
“We do not yet know whether or not it was voluntary,” Dumbledore said. “Voldemort could have found him and . . . extracted the information from him.”
“Tortured him, you mean,” Remus said sharply.
“You can answer the question for me, Remus,” Dumbledore said. “It’s very simple. When did Sirius leave your house tonight?”
Remus swallowed hard. “Around eleven o’clock. Not much after that.”
Dumbledore nodded slowly, as if he had expected this. “James and Lily were killed at midnight, Remus.”
Remus knew what he meant. An hour’s worth of torture would not be enough to make Sirius give up the secret. He must have done so willingly. “But . . . no . . .” he managed.
“I’m sorry, Remus,” Dumbledore said. “But I think we had better start looking for Sirius.”
“Oh God -- Harry -- what about Harry?”
“Harry is safe,” Dumbledore said. “Hagrid is watching him for me. He’ll be brought to his relatives tomorrow. Remus, there’s something else you must know.”
Remus blinked at him, unable to say anything.
“Voldemort is destroyed,” Dumbledore said. “I have not yet been able to discover why or how. But somehow, when he tried to kill Harry, the curse reflected back upon him. It’s possible he’s still with us in spirit form . . . but for now, he is no longer a threat.”
The relief that swept over Remus at this statement was nothing in comparison to his greater worry and sorrow.
“That means,” Dumbledore continued, “that Sirius will be running now. And we must find him before he escapes us. Do you know anywhere he might go?”
Remus gaped helplessly at him. “Dumbledore . . . if this is true, I never really knew him at all . . . I couldn’t even begin to guess . . .”
“All right.” Dumbledore stood. “I want you to stay here, Remus.”
“But . . . why?” Remus asked weakly.
“Because you will be safe here,” Dumbledore said quietly.
“Sirius would never . . .” Remus began automatically, then his words trailed off and he said miserably, “I guess I can’t say that, can I.”
“No, Remus,” Dumbledore said. “You can’t.” He rested his hand on Remus’ shoulder for a moment. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Remus watched him go, then stared into the fire, trying to comprehend what had just happened. Lily and James dead, Sirius a traitor . . . it was simply too much to take in. Despite the fact that it was approaching three o’clock in the morning, he didn’t feel the slightest bit tired. He got up and began to pace around Dumbledore’s office.
“It’s not true,” he said out loud to nobody. “They’ll find . . . something . . . that proves it isn’t true. Sirius wouldn’t . . . Sirius would never . . .”
He sank to his knees in front of the fire.
“Oh please don’t let this be true . . .”
****
Remus amazed himself by dozing off in front of the fire around dawn. After worrying so much, sheer exhaustion made him fall asleep. He woke around nine in the morning, when the sun shifted and landed directly in his eyes. He sat up with a jolt, confused, then moaned as the memory of the previous day set in.
He resumed pacing around the office. His stomach growled loudly, reminding him forcibly that he had been too nervous to eat dinner the night before. He wondered how he could possibly be hungry, even though the thought of food was making him feel slightly ill.
It was a long morning. He had told Dumbledore he would stay, and therefore did not leave. But it was hard. He wanted more than anything to be looking for Sirius, to have an explanation for what had happened.
Dumbledore arrived at noon. They were the longest three hours of Remus’ life.
His stomach dropped sharply the minute he saw Dumbledore’s face. He could already tell that either there was no news at all, or the news was bad.
“What’s happened?” he asked quietly. Surely nothing could be worse than Sirius being a traitor and Lily and James being dead. Surely.
“Sirius has been found,” Dumbledore said quietly. “Your friend Peter found him.”
Remus blinked. “Peter found him?” he asked incredulously.
Dumbledore nodded slowly. “I’m sorry, Remus . . . he has also been killed.”
Remus felt a sharp stab of remorse for Peter. Poor, inept Peter, never quite measuring up to the rest of them. Then the rest of it sank in. Dumbledore hadn’t said he was dead. He said he had been killed. “Sirius . . . killed . . . Peter?” His voice was slow, disbelieving, dragging out the sentence a word at a time.
Dumbledore nodded. “It gets worse, Remus.”
“It can get worse than Sirius being a traitor, betraying James and Lily to Voldemort, and killing Peter?” Remus asked, his voice shaking.
“Peter was not the only one who died today.”
“Oh God.” Remus’ knees gave and he fell sharply into his chair. “Oh God.”
“Do you want to know?” Dumbledore asked gently.
“Tell me. Please.” Remus took a deep breath. “Easier to hear it all at once than in bits and pieces.”
“It was no one you knew,” Dumbledore said. “If that helps. Other people on the street.”
“How many?” Remus whispered.
“Counting Peter . . . thirteen.” Dumbledore’s voice was not quite steady, for the first time Remus had ever heard. “Thirteen people with a single curse.”
The world blurred in front of Remus. “Innocent people?” he whispered.
“Yes, Remus.”
Remus gathered himself together. “Where . . . is Sirius?”
“He’s being held in captivity,” Dumbledore said.
“And . . . there’s no doubt? That he did this?”
“None, Remus. There were eyewitnesses.”
Remus swallowed hard. “And . . .?”
“There will be no trial,” Dumbledore said quietly. “Mr. Crouch will not permit it. And in this case . . . there is no way Sirius could be innocent. He has received a life sentence in Azkaban. The boat leaves at sunset.”
Remus felt a sob clawing its way up his throat, and forced it back. “May I see him?”
“Even if you honestly wanted to, it would not be allowed,” Dumbledore replied. “Would you, if you could?”
Remus stared at the floor. “I don’t know.”
Dumbledore once again rested his hand on Remus’ shoulder. “Go home, Remus. There’s nothing more you can do here.”
“I don’t have a home without Sirius,” Remus whispered.
“Then go anywhere,” Dumbledore said. “Anywhere you might find comfort.”
Remus didn’t bother to tell Dumbledore that there would never be any comfort for him. Instead, he merely stood and walked towards the door. “I’m . . . alone,” he said softly, pausing at the threshhold.
“Remus, if you ever need anything, you know I will be glad to help,” Dumbledore said.
“I know,” Remus said. “And I thank you. But it doesn’t matter.”
****
Remus went home. Everything was still packed in the suitcases and boxes he had left it in. He curled up in one of Sirius’ robes and lay on the bed, too numb and shocked to even think. He didn’t move for several hours.
He jerked back to himself at a sharp crack of thunder. The sky was getting dark, though it wasn’t raining yet. It was almost sunset.
Without thinking, without even pausing to think, he snatched up his broomstick and was out the door. He knew it was a bad idea to go see Sirius off. He knew there would be people waiting to throw things and shout insults. He knew that Sirius was a murderer.
He didn’t care.
He arrived just as the sun began to set. Just as the Ministry officials arrived with Sirius. Then landed on the shore and started tugging him towards the boat.
Sirius looked terrible -- dark circles under his eyes and a haunted look on his face. Remus paused to see him, a sharp ache in his heart. He stood and watched as people threw vegetables and other, less pleasant things. As they screamed insults and profanities. As Sirius cringed away from all of them.
“Sirius,” he whispered.
The officials started to drag Sirius over to the boat. The crowd was pressing in, making it hard to see.
“Sirius . . .” Remus started to push his way through the crowd. He didn’t care that Sirius was a traitor. Didn’t care that Sirius was a murderer. All he cared about was that he loved Sirius, and after today, he would never see Sirius again. “Sirius!”
Sirius’ head jerked up and he scanned the crowd.
“Sirius!” Remus yelled, shoving his way to the front of the crowd and diving for Sirius.
Sirius’ eyes went wide with disbelief. “Remus!” He tried to jerk free of his guards and managed it for one brief second. The crowd screamed and backed away in a wave.
Remus leapt forward.
For one brief second, their fingers touched.
The officials grabbed Sirius by the shoulders and yanked him back, shoving him onto the boat and hastily pushing it away from the shore. Others grabbed Remus by his robes, holding him back.
“SIRIUS!” Remus screamed, trying to fight his way free.
He caught one last glimpse of his lover’s haunted face before he was shoved to the ground by the guards. By the time he managed to get up, the boat was so far off shore that he could no longer see Sirius.
The crowd began to disperse. Remus sank to his knees in the mud as it started to rain. Several people were giving him dark looks and muttering, and everyone gave him a wide berth as they passed by.
“Sirius,” Remus murmured. “You broke your promise . . . you left me alone . . .”
The sprinkles turned to showers, then turned to a harder rain. Remus still knelt in the mud, letting the rain pour down on him. He was soaked to the bone within minutes, but didn’t seem to notice.
How long he knelt there, he never knew. It was fully dark, and had been for some time, when he felt the rain cease.
Remus looked over to see feet beside him. Then he glanced to his other side. It was still raining. Someone was holding the rain off of him. He looked up, not sure who he wanted it to be.
It was Snape.
Remus dragged himself to his feet and turned to see the familiar contempt in Snape’s eyes. “If you say one word,” Remus said in a low voice, “about how he was a traitor all along . . . or about how we deserved it . . . or how we should have seen it coming . . . if you say anything . . . I swear to God I will kill you.”
Snape looked at him for a long second. Then he opened his mouth. “Dumbledore sent me to find you. He said he thought you’d be here.”
Remus nodded slightly. No sympathetic words, but he wouldn’t have tolerated those from Snape in any case. The words were spoken in his usual brisk tone, but the very lack of snide comment showed that he respected Remus’ pain, even if he didn’t understand it.
“Why?” he asked.
“Black’s family would like to see you,” Snape replied. “They’re waiting at their home. They still don’t know the entire details of what has transpired. They asked that you explain.”
A vague corner of Remus’ brain reflected on how only people like Snape ever actually used the word ‘transpired’ in conversation. Then the words sank in and he nodded. “All right. I’ll go.”
“They’re expecting you, so you may as well Apparate,” Snape said. Then he turned to walk away.
“Severus,” Remus said suddenly.
Snape turned.
“I think I wasn’t supposed to know this . . . but you were spying for Dumbledore, weren’t you?”
Snape hesitated, then inclined his head slightly, confirming the statement.
“Wouldn’t you have known if Sirius was a spy?” Remus asked desperately.
Snape gave him a long, considering look. Then he answered. “Voldemort was not fool enough to let anyone know all his secrets. All I knew was that he had a spy who was close to the Potters. It could have been Black. It could have been you. There were many people it could have been, and I did not know which one of them it was.” He paused, then added harshly, “Quit grasping at straws, Lupin. You’re only going to make it more difficult for yourself in the long run.”
Remus flinched, but he knew that Snape was right. He let out a heavy sigh and Disapparated, reappeaing in front of Sirius’ family’s house. The very sight of it was achingly familiar, but he tried to ignore that and knocked on the door.
Allister answered, looking tired. “Remus . . . thank you for coming. Come on in.”
Remus followed Allister inside, suddenly realizing that he was soaking wet and freezing cold. To back this up, he was shivering like crazy.
“Oh, you poor thing . . .” Mrs. Black said. Her eyes were red and swollen. Remus knew she had been crying. “Let me dry you off and warm you up . . .”
Within minutes, Remus had dry clothing and a mug of hot tea. He sat on the couch closest to the fire, and slowly began to explain what had happened to Sirius’ family. They listened in silence.
“I’m sorry,” he said at the end. “I’m so sorry. If I’d loved him more . . . maybe he would never have . . .”
“Remus, this wasn’t your fault,” Allister said quietly. “You have to understand that. If Sirius . . .” He paused to swallow hard. “If Sirius had gone to Voldemort, there was nothing you could do about it.”
“But . . .” Remus began to protest. “But I should have realized . . . I could have . . .”
“No, Remus,” Allister said firmly. “There was nothing you could do. And deep down, you know that as well as I do. I know you don’t want to accept that Sirius did these things . . . but you can’t blame yourself from them. They were his choices.”
Remus again felt the sobs trying to make it from his throat out into the air. He clenched his fists in his robes, trying to hold them back. “I . . . should . . . have . . .”
Mrs. Black sat on the sofa next to him, and drew him into her arms. “Remus, you have to believe what we’re saying.”
“He never loved me,” Remus gasped out, burying his face in her shoulder. “He must have never loved me if he did this. I can’t . . . I can’t do this . . . oh please, this has to all be a lie, I can’t do this . . .”
Mrs. Black began to cry, and the two of them clung to each other until the worst of Remus’ sobs had passed.
“Stay here a few days,” Mr. Black said quietly. “You shouldn’t be alone right now.”
Remus sat up, wiping his eyes. “I will always be alone,” he said softly. “I understand that now. But I’ll stay.”
Mrs. Black made him drink another mug of tea and put him to bed in Sirius’ old room.
Remus didn’t sleep that night.
Nor would he for many nights to come.
****
Remus left the Black household three days later. He went back to the house he and Sirius had shared, took his still packed belongings, and left it. He found a small apartment in the center of London and moved his things in.
Two days after that, he had a job. Of course, he lost it two months later when they realized he was a werewolf. But he was on his own, and he had a source of income, a means to support himself.
A week after he had his new apartment, Polaris showed up on his doorstep.
“You don’t want to stay with Allister?” Remus asked the owl, slightly surprised.
Polaris tilted his head and nipped at Remus’ finger.
“All right,” Remus said. “You can stay.”
He reflected that he’d done fairly well for himself. He had a job. An apartment. An extremely loyal owl.
He had never been more miserable in his entire life.
In the twelve years that followed, he never stopped loving Sirius.
He never stopped hating him, either.
****
Part Five
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