Chapter Two: Confessions
“Such a sad day in the history of the Maurauders,” Sirius said, shaking his head and looking gloomy.
“Padfoot, it’s not that bad,” Remus replied, not even looking up from the star chart he was doing for homework.
Sirius put one hand to his heart and collapsed melodramatically. “Losing a member of our brotherhood! To the clutches of the feminine species, no less! It’s a disgrace! An outrage! A -- ”
“I think it’s cute,” Remus interrupted mildly, and flicked ink at Sirius.
“You would,” Sirius grumbled, wiping the ink off his face. “Look at them, Moony. It’s sad.” He gestured across the common room to where James Potter and Lily Evans were sitting in front of the fire, quite close together.
“It’s nice,” Remus said, a wistful look on his face. “Haven’t you ever wanted to be in love, Sirius?”
Sirius climbed to his feet and flopped onto the sofa next to Remus. “Well, sure, but there’s plenty of time for it, isn’t there?”
“Sometimes I wonder,” Remus said quietly.
Sirius looked vaguely uncomfortable. “Don’t talk about that . . . it’s too nice a day to bring up You-Know-Who.”
Remus glanced up as James planted a kiss on Lily’s cheek and headed over towards them. “I suppose,” he said noncommittally.
Sirius hadn’t noticed James’ approach and said, “And honestly, those two are so syrupy sweet together that they make me feel ill!”
James leaned against the back of the sofa and gave Sirius a friendly smack on the head. “Pot? Kettle? Black?”
Sirius looked affronted. “What do you mean?”
James looked between Remus and Sirius with raised eyebrows, then grinned. “Nothing at all,” he said, and strolled off.
Sirius blinked after him. “I think all the romance has gone to his head. Poor old Prongs, defeated at last.”
Remus quickly tried to erase the blush from his cheeks. “I’m sure that’s it, Padfoot.” He was somewhat alarmed by what James had said. He didn’t think he had been that obvious about his feelings towards Sirius, had he? James was definitely a very perceptive person, but it still made Remus rather nervous. There were certain people (i. e. Snape) that he did not want knowing this. It didn’t help that in his two years of trying, he simply could not manage to forget or get rid of his crush.
“Oh well.” Sirius yawned and stretch. “Oh, Moony, you’re coming for Christmas again, right? I got an owl from my mum asking me this morning.”
Remus looked away. “If it’s all right with you,” he said hesitantly.
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Let’s review, shall we? Two Christmases ago I practically dragged you to my house by your hair. Last year you came willingly, but only after a lot of persuasion. Why would it not be all right with me if you came this year as well?”
Remus sighed. (Sigh count: Forty-three, and not even lunch yet.) “All right, I’ll come. But I was only trying to be polite.”
Sirius laughed. “You should know better. Anyway, Mum says that my aunt and uncle are going to be there as well, so you’ll have to sleep in my room.”
Remus fortunately managed to neither squeak nor blush. “All right.”
“When’s the full moon this month?” Sirius asked.
Remus kept his eyes on his star chart and said, as if it didn’t bother him at all, “Christmas Day.”
Sirius blinked. “Oh. I’m sorry, Moony.”
Remus shrugged. “Not as though it’s never happened before, you know.”
“I still can’t believe you got out of finals last year because of that,” Sirius grumbled.
Remus allowed himself a tiny smile. “Let me have the few advantages there are, Padfoot, and don’t be jealous.”
“I suppose,” Sirius said. He watched Remus do his homework for a while, as if contemplating whether or not Remus would let him copy it. “Moony, what are you going to do after school?”
Remus blinked, looking up. “Hadn’t really decided yet,” he said. “I’d like to be a professor, but as Snape was talking about that, perhaps I’d better avoid it.”
Sirius snorted. “As if Snape will ever amount to anything other than You-Know-Who’s lapdog.”
Remus was assaulted by the image of Severus Snape with a collar, dog ears, and a bushy tail. He bit his lip to keep from laughing. Recently, Sirius had started a ‘humiliate Snape’ campaign, which had been going rather well, really, until he had pulled a stunt that was altogether too dirty. James had managed to save Snape from possible death and dismemberment, but that certainly hadn’t improved the Slytherin’s mood any.
Remus himself had been horrified and furious at the position Sirius had nearly put him in. He hadn’t spoken to Sirius for weeks; the two of them were only just now getting along again, and tenatively at that. Sirius had claimed that Snape had deserved it, and it would have served him right if anything had happened. At that point in the conversation, Remus had gone very quiet and simply said, “Sirius, you nearly made me a murderer.”
The problem, Remus reflected a month later, was that Sirius simply never thought about things on a grand scale. He was seventeen, he was in his last year of school, he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life and he liked it that way. Anything that involved the future was far off and unimportant. It probably hadn’t even occurred to Sirius that if Snape had actually gotten killed, Remus would have been the one to suffer.
Sirius had come to him three weeks after it had happened and simply said, “Remus, I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”
Remus had accepted the apology, but things were still rather shaky between them. No matter how hard they tried to pretend that nothing was wrong, Remus’ trust had been betrayed, and Sirius knew he was going to have to work hard to win it back.
What annoyed Remus most about the whole thing was that the three weeks he hadn’t been on speaking terms with Sirius had been the longest weeks of his life. He hated not being able to forgive his friend, hated not being able to trust him. He hated the funny feeling in his stomach he got whenever Sirius looked at him.
He had been relieved when Sirius had finally apologized, but things still weren’t right between them, and it was driving Remus crazy. He had been thrilled beyond belief when James and Lily had spontaneously announced they were dating three days ago. Sirius had been so worked up over this new development that he apparently completely forgot about what had happened with Remus.
And besides, it wasn’t as if Remus hadn’t realized James and Lily were dating. He wondered at times why it had taken them so long to get around to announcing it.
“You’d make a good professor, anyway,” Sirius said, yanking Remus back to the present. “But I think you’d make a good Auror, and we need those these days.”
Remus shrugged. Sirius wasn’t the first person to suggest he become an Auror, but for some reason the career idea had never appealed to him. He thought he just didn’t really have the stomach for it. “Well, what about you?” he asked. “What are you going to do?”
“Oh, I’ve no idea,” Sirius said casually. “I’ll come up with something. I’m just worried about you going back home.”
Remus sighed. “If I can manage it for summers, I can manage it until I get my own place.”
“Well, I suppose you can, but you shouldn’t have to,” Sirius said indignantly.
“If you’re offering what I think you’re offering,” Remus said slowly, “it’s very kind of you. But the answer is no.”
Sirius pouted. “Why not, Moony?”
“Just . . . no,” Remus said. “Now come on. It’s lunchtime.”
****
“All right, spill.”
Sirius gave his brother a nervous look. “Spill what?” he asked. Remus had already gone to bed; the motorcycle ride had tired him out as usual.
“What’s going on between the two of you? You’re both acting funny,” Allister said, flopping onto the couch with his mug of tea.
“Nothing’s going on,” Sirius said stiffly.
“You haven’t had an argument, have you?” Allister asked.
“We did, but we talked about it and everything’s fine,” Sirius said, staring into the fire.
Allister gave him a look. “Everything is most certainly not fine, Sirius, or you’re stupider than I thought you were. What on earth happened?”
“Nothing,” Sirius protested. “It was stupid, all right? But I apologized and he said it’s all right.”
Allister rolled his eyes. “It’s obviously not as all right as he thinks it is. C’mon, Sirius, you must have noticed that he’s acting funny.”
Sirius sighed and related the story of how he had tricked Snape. “But I never meant to get him killed and I never meant for him to find out about Remus and I certainly never wanted to hurt Remus. I . . . I did apologize . . .”
Allister sighed. “Sirius, you really need to learn to think ahead. What did you think would have happened to Snape if he’d met up with Remus while he was in werewolf form? You would’ve gotten in just as much trouble as Remus would have, you’re damn lucky your friend James found out about it.”
“I know, I know,” Sirius sighed. “Anyway, Moony got really mad at me and wouldn’t speak to me for weeks, not that I blame him. And I did apologize, but . . . it’s like things just aren’t the same. And I don’t know how to make up for what I did.”
Allister sighed. “Sirius, you betrayed a very important trust. Remus has good reason to not want anyone to know about his true nature and he trusted that you would keep his secret. Not only did you put someone in the position to discover that, it was also his worst enemy, and you put him in a position to hurt someone accidentally. He’s not going to forgive you easily for that.”
“But . . . I’m sorry,” Sirius said in a small voice, still staring into the fire.
“Just because you’re sorry doesn’t make it easier to forgive,” Allister said. “I think time will help . . . but perhaps you should just have a talk with him about it. Don’t just say you’re sorry and walk away like I’m sure you did last time.”
Sirius turned red and glared at the flames.
Allister gave him an amused look. “I’m right, aren’t I.”
“Oh, be quiet,” Sirius snapped. “I’m going to bed.”
“But I have another question,” Allister said innocently.
“What is it?” Sirius asked impatiently.
“This is really bothering you, isn’t it.”
“Of course it is,” Sirius said with a sigh. “Remus is my friend, I don’t like it when he’s angry with me. And I particularly don’t like it when he won’t speak to me.”
Allister just smiled. “Sirius, sometimes I think I know more about you than you know about yourself.”
Sirius glared fiercely at him. “Now what’s that supposed to mean?”
Allister shrugged. “Figure it out, li’l bro. I have faith.”
****
“Uhm . . . Remus . . . I need to talk to you for a minute.”
Remus looked vaguely alarmed. Sirius had taken to using their nicknames more than any of them; he only used their real names when he had something important to say. “Yeah, sure,” Remus said uneasily, and followed Sirius into his room. “What’s wrong?” he asked, sitting on the edge of the spare mattress that Mr. Black had conjured up for him.
Sirius twisted the hem of his shirt between his hands. “I just . . . I get the feeling you still haven’t really forgiven me. For what I did to Snape.”
“I forgave you for what you did to Snape,” Remus said evenly.
“Just not for what I nearly did to you,” Sirius replied.
Remus looked away. “I’m sorry, Sirius, but it may take time. You betrayed my deepest secret to my worst enemy, you put me in a position that could have ruined my entire life.” His voice was starting to get louder as he got upset. “I mean, honestly, Sirius, what the hell were you thinking?”
“I was just trying to get him to leave you alone!” Sirius protested. “I thought if he was frightened of you, he wouldn’t make fun of you anymore!”
“So you wanted him to realize I was a werewolf?” Remus shouted.
“Remus, I was only trying to help!”
“You could have asked!” Remus protested. “I would have told you it was a bad idea! But no, you just went ahead with everything, because God forbid that Sirius Black ever be wrong about anything!”
“Look, I said I was sorry!” Sirius replied. “What else do you want me to do, Remus? I didn’t mean to make you unhappy; I never meant to hurt you! I was only trying to make things a little better for you, because you seemed so . . . you seemed so depressed lately.” He sat on his own bed, slumping over a little, the picture of dejection.
Remus sighed, the anger running out of him like water. “Look, Sirius, I’m not angry with you. It just . . . it just may be a while before I trust you again.”
“Is this why you didn’t want to come here after school?” Sirius asked quietly.
“No,” Remus replied. “No, that was something else altogether.”
“But you don’t trust me enough to tell me,” Sirius said.
“It’s not that,” Remus said with a sigh. “It’s just better if I go home, Sirius. I need to learn how to get by on my own.”
Sirius sighed. “If you say so, Remus. I don’t want to argue with you anymore.”
Remus smiled hesitantly. “In that case . . . it’s snowing, you know.”
Sirius smirked. “So I saw. Think you’ll feel a little more forgiving if you pelt me with snowballs for a few hours?”
“Oh, I think so.”
“Then let’s go.”
****
Christmas came and went. Remus received all his presents two days late, after he was back to himself. He was quiet for a few days afterwards, and two days before the new year, Sirius found himself staring at the ceiling, listening to Remus toss and turn. He tried to decipher what his friend was mumbling in his sleep, but it was all completely incoherent.
After listening to it for a while, he decided that the nightmare wasn’t going to wake him up like they usually did. All of Remus’ roommates at school had learned that it was best to just let the nightmares run their course, as Remus could be rather violent upon being woken suddenly.
He walked over and sat on the edge of Remus’ bed, shaking him gently. “Hey, Moony, wake up.”
Remus moaned in his sleep. “Lemme ‘lone . . .”
“Come on, Remus, it’s just a nightmare.” Sirius shook him again, harder this time.
Remus started to flail around. One of his fists caught Sirius on the shoulder and he cursed loudly, then grabbed Remus by the wrists and pinned him to the bed. “Are you awake yet?” he asked, seeing that Remus’ eyes were open and he looked confused.
“Huh . . .?” Remus’ voice wavered. “Sirius?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Are you all right?”
Remus blinked a few times, then turned bright red. “Why are you in my bed?”
Sirius looked down at his friend’s blush and just couldn’t resist the urge to tease him a little. “Well, I was trying to keep you from punching me in the nose, but in retrospect it’s fairly comfortable.” He flopped down next to his friend. “Perhaps I’ll just stay here.”
“S-S-Sirius!” Remus protested faintly.
“What?” Sirius asked, smirking. “You saying that you would object?” Part of him was wondering why on earth he was saying any of this, but Remus’ blush was so cute that he didn’t bother to stop himself.
Remus made a face. “Don’t be a prat, Sirius.”
Sirius snickered and flopped over onto his stomach, propping himself up with his elbows and looking down at Remus. “Why have you been so depressed, anyway?”
“I just think about the future too much,” Remus said vaguely. “With You-Know-Who getting so powerful . . . it’s starting to look like we may not have one.”
“I fully plan on having a future,” Sirius replied.
“I know, so do I, it just doesn’t look bright and sunny ahead. That’s all. And no matter how I look at it, it looks . . . lonely.” Remus stared up at the ceiling.
“It doesn’t have to be,” Sirius said.
Remus glanced at him, then looked away quickly. “I remember first going to Hogwarts, and being convinced that I would never make any friends. Then I met you and James and Peter, and for a while I thought I was the happiest kid on earth. But somehow I don’t feel like that anymore.”
“Why not?” Sirius asked. “You’ve still got me and James and Peter.” He paused. “Even if we may have lost James to Lily, but we’ll get used to that.”
“It’s just different now,” Remus said, steadfastly looking away.
“Because you think you can’t trust me?” Sirius asked.
“No . . . it’s not that,” Remus said. “Never mind.”
“I don’t want to never mind, Moony,” Sirius said plaintively. “I want to know exactly what’s on your mind, because you have a habit of getting depressed over nothing. And I want to help if I can.”
“I wouldn’t call the concept of having no future nothing,” Remus replied dryly.
“Yes, but you don’t see anyone else moping about it, do you?” Sirius replied. “There’s something else bothering you, Moony, and I want to know what it is.”
“Honestly, Padfoot, sometimes I don’t know if you’re in denial or just plain inobservant,” Remus replied impatiently.
Sirius blinked at him. “What on earth does that mean?”
Remus turned bright red, realizing that he had spoken without thinking. “Nothing.”
“How stupid do you think I am?” Sirius asked. “That was something.”
“Something I don’t want to discuss.”
Sirius sighed heavily. “Could you make this any more difficult, Moony?”
“I could shove you off the bed,” Remus replied blandly.
“Oh, please don’t,” Sirius said piteously. “I’m so comfortable here . . .” He looked down at Remus. “You know, I really missed you. When we weren’t talking to each other. I wanted to make things right so badly . . . I still do. But I didn’t know how.”
Remus sighed a little, trying to ignore his hammering heart. “I know, Sirius. It’s all right. I just don’t want to think about it anymore. I don’t want to think about how close I came . . .” He shivered.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius said. “Really, really sorry. I’ll never do anything like that again. I promise.”
“I know,” Remus said wearily.
“Allister laughed at me when I said I had missed you,” Sirius said thoughtfully. “Uppity git seems to think he knows something I don’t. But I did miss you, and I’m not embarrassed by it. I just don’t quite . . . understand it.” He reached out and brushed Remus’ hair out of his face.
The two of them stared at each other for a minute.
Sirius lowered his face towards Remus’, and Remus had time to think Ohmygodhe’sgoingtokissme in a panic before Sirius’ lips pressed gently against his own. After that, he didn’t think, only reacted. He reached up and wrapped his arms around Sirius, pulling his friend closer. A small corner of his brain was shrieking at him to cut it out and get a decent explanation from Sirius before they did anything else. Unfortunately, the majority of his brain, which had been keeping a hold on his screaming hormones for over two years, wasn’t listening.
Sirius, for his part, wasn’t thinking at all beyond vague surprise at the fact that he had just kissed his friend, was still kissing him, and was enjoying it thoroughly.
The kiss was tenative and slow, as neither young man really had any idea what he was doing. Sirius had been kissed a few times, as he was an adventurous soul. Remus had never been kissed at all. Sirius came up for air, then kissed Remus again before either of them could think better of the idea. Remus twined his fingers in Sirius’ long black hair and Sirius tilted his head to one side, kissing him deeper.
When Sirius finally pulled away, the two of them stared at each other again for another long second. Remus found, much to his concern, that he was trembling. “Why . . . why did you do that?” he finally managed.
Sirius considered it. “I don’t know. Didn’t you like it?”
Remus turned bright red. “I-I did, yeah.”
“Then why are you asking?” Sirius ran one finger down Remus’ cheek. Remus closed his eyes, trying not to blush anymore. Sirius noticed this with a smirk and fanned his fingers out, carressing Remus’ skin. Then he grinned. “So this is what’s been bothering you, huh?”
“Yeah,” Remus said, without opening his eyes.
“For how long?” Sirius asked, tracing Remus’ lips with his finger.
“Years . . .” Remus admitted. “It’s why I didn’t want to come here for Christmas the first time.”
“That long?” Sirius asked, surprised. “Remus, why on earth didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Because . . .” Remus turned his head to one side, avoiding Sirius’ eyes. “Because I thought you’d stop being my friend if you knew I thought about you . . . that way.”
“Silly Moony,” Sirius said, chuckling and twining a few strands of Remus’ hair between his fingers.
“But how long have you . . .?” Remus’ voice trailed off.
Sirius smiled a little. “Oh, you know me, Moony, I never think about these things. My spontaneity will be the death of me yet. Now that I think about how I feel about you, it seems pretty natural to want to kiss you.”
Remus blushed. “When James first told me how he felt about Lily . . . I realized it was the same as how I felt about you. And I got worried, because . . . a man isn’t supposed to feel that way about another man.”
Sirius shrugged. “I hold the opinion that love comes in all forms, and it really doesn’t matter.”
Remus tensed. “Is . . . is that what this is?”
“Well, I don’t know, Moony,” Sirius said. “What would you call a two and a half year crush?”
Remus went red. “And you don’t mind?”
Sirius started to chuckle again and make another comment about how Remus was being silly, but the uncertain look in his friend’s eyes stopped him. “No,” he said softly instead. “No, Remus, I don’t mind at all.”
He leaned down for another kiss, and this one was longer and deeper than the others that had preceded it.
When they finally separated, Remus had relaxed. “I feel much better,” he said.
“Me too,” Sirius replied. “Should we get some more sleep?”
Remus gave him a look of vague disappointment. “No more kissing?”
Sirius chuckled, amazed that Remus was being so forward. “Well, I suppose I could manage to stay awake a little longer . . . just for you.”
****
Part Three
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