Chapter Eleven: Remember
For a few days, Sirius refused to go anywhere. Remus suspected that, rather than lapsing into his old behavior, he simply needed a few days to recover from his emotional outburst. So he said nothing, keeping both of them entertained with movies and card games and just talking.
After getting over his intial trouble with talking, Sirius had apparently decided he liked to. His favorite activity of late was lying in bed with Remus and just talking. Remus had absolutely no objection to this whatsoever, so most days they stayed in bed until noon, while Sirius rambled on about whatever came into his mind.
He talked about Azkaban, about James and Peter, about the way things had been and the way he wanted things to be. And Remus simply listened, running gentle fingers through Sirius’ hair.
Sometimes he got tired of speaking and they lay in silence, silence which was often broken by Sirius’ quiet request for Remus to talk. So Remus would, and he too simply said whatever came into his mind. In four days, they covered twelve years of time. Sirius was slowly regaining his specific memories of what life had been like before Azkaban. He didn’t laugh very much, but he smiled more often.
On the morning of the fifth day, Remus woke up to Sirius staring at him and playing with his hair. Sirius opened his mouth to speak, and Remus expected something wistful or tired. But instead, Sirius said, “Let’s do something fun today.”
Remus smiled. “All right. Anything in mind?”
“No,” Sirius said. “I trust you.”
The two of them got out of bed and dressed, then Remus and Sirius set off for town. Remus had no destination in mind, but all the same, he knew what he wanted as soon as he saw it. “Oh! Have you ever played this? It’s a Muggle game, rather quaint, really, but everyone I’ve ever seen doing it seems to have a grand time . . .”
Sirius looked at the place dubiously. “Mini-golf?” he asked, reading the sign. “How do you play?”
“Well, you each get a ball, and you have to try to get it in the little cup,” Remus said brightly.
Sirius blinked at him. “And this is fun?”
“Oh, come on.” Remus grabbed him by the arm and dragged him past the gate. “We can watch other people play for a bit, if you’d rather. Look, we can get ice cream.”
Sirius was agreeable to the concept of ice cream, so the two of them both got cones and sat on the bench watching other people play. “Everyone does seem to be having a good time,” he finally agreed. “But no one seems to be very good at it.”
“Honestly, I think that’s half the charm,” Remus said with a shrug. “Let’s go.”
The two of them got the equipment and set off for the course. They were behind a couple with two children, so had ample time between each hole. They decided not to keep score after their abysmally terrible first round.
“Come on, you were at least good at Quidditch,” Remus teased. “I’d think you would be able to aim.”
“This is different,” Sirius protested, frowning in concentration as he took a swing at the small pink ball Remus had gotten for him. “And why’d I have to be pink, anyway?”
Remus snickered under his breath. “It was just the first one I picked up.”
Sirius muttered something that sounded very close to ‘yeah, right’ as he swung, hitting his ball and sending it careening nowhere near the hole.
By the eighteenth hole, both of them had improved marginally, to the point that they were usually able to get the ball into the whole without taking the maximum six shots. Sirius kept complaining that he didn’t like anything he wasn’t good at, but that didn’t stop him from poking fun at Remus’ terrible aim.
“Well, now what?” Sirius asked.
“Lunch?” Remus asked. They hadn’t left the house until around eleven in the morning, and he was getting hungry.
“Sure.”
The two of them walked, arm in arm, to a nearby outside cafe. They sat down and got drinks. “Enjoying your vacation?” Remus asked.
Sirius smiled a little. “I really am. Now that I’ve gotten over myself.”
Remus shrugged. “You had a lot to get over. It’s okay if you take your time.”
Sirius nodded and smiled and began eating out of the bowl of complimentary chips on the table.
“So what are we going to do with the rest of the day?” Remus asked, lazily looking through the menu.
“Don’t know,” Sirius said thoughtfully. “What do you want to do?”
Remus quelled his immediate reaction to list all the things he really wanted to do. As much as Sirius was getting better, he still had a long way to go when it came to physical contact. “Well, we’ve been going to the beach a lot . . . and it looks like it’s going to rain, anyway.”
Sirius nodded, munching on a chip.
“We could try sailing,” Remus said. “As long as we come back when it starts raining, we ought to be all right.”
Sirius was agreeable to this, so after lunch they rented a small boat and set out.
“It looks like the ocean never ends,” he said in a dreamy voice, once they were far enough away from shore. The breeze carried the boat slowly. “It’s times like this that remind you how big the world really is.”
“Yeah,” Remus agreed. “We should’ve gotten one with a glass bottom, so we could look at the fish.”
Sirius frowned. “Makes me feel kind of nervous. I mean, to be able to see through the bottom of the boat would.”
“True.”
They sat in silence for a while, not talking because they didn’t need to.
****
Remus told Sirius he had to run an errand, and left Sirius sitting on the beach. It was almost an hour before he returned, and then, with a mysterious grin, pulled Sirius to his feet and into the house. Thunder was starting to rumble; it was definitely going to rain.
“What’s all this?” Sirius asked, staring bemusedly at the things on the counters.
“It’s food,” Remus said. “Real food, not minute meals. You like to cook. Remember?”
“Rather vaguely,” Sirius said, sounding a bit wistful.
“Well, come on. I bought you everything you might need, including a cookbook. We’ve got our own kitchen. What are you waiting for?”
“Maybe a memory,” Sirius admitted. He looked around rather helplessly. “What should I cook?”
“Anything you want,” Remus said with a shrug. “I just thought you might like to do something constructive.”
Sirius started leafing idly through the cookbook. A quick check confirmed that Remus had stocked the fridge fairly well, so he could cook whatever he wanted, within reason. He picked out some things and started wandering around the kitchen.
Remus smiled and stayed out of his way. It took Sirius about an hour to get accustomed to what he was supposed to be doing, but after that seemed to enjoy himself a great deal.
They sat down to eat around seven thirty. “It’s good,” Remus said with a smile. “I’ll let you do all the cooking from now on.”
Sirius smiled and cheerfully began to plow through his food.
“This was always my favorite,” Remus said, looking wistfully at his plate. “Did you do it on purpose?”
Sirius looked startled. “No, it just . . . sort of struck me as a good thing to make.”
“See?” Remus asked. “Your heart remembers, even where your mind doesn’t.”
“I guess that’s really true,” Sirius said, looking thoughtful.
It began to rain, softly at first, while they were eating, then harder as they finished. Sirius hadn’t made dessert, but there were some store-bought cookies that they munched on while watching television. Sirius quite liked television, and was rather impressed at the Muggle ingenuity that it had resulted from.
“You know what?” Sirius asked, leaning his head on Remus’ shoulder.
“Hm?” Remus asked.
“I think . . . I remember what it is to live,” Sirius said slowly. “I think I remembered without even knowing. Because things changed so gradually . . . that I didn’t notice at first. I mean . . . I’m not there by a long shot . . . but now I know where I’m trying to go.”
Remus smiled. “That’s good.”
“Thank you,” Sirius said softly.
“You don’t have to thank me, Sirius,” Remus said, twining his fingers through Sirius’. “I only want you to be happy.”
“It just . . . still hurts . . . to think of all the time we’ve lost,” Sirius said. “Thirteen years we could have been together just . . . gone.”
“I know,” Remus said. “But the best cure for that is to make the most of the time we have now. You know that, right?”
“Yeah,” Sirius said. “I know.”
There was a brief silence.
“Will it always hurt, Remus?” Sirius whispered.
“Yes,” Remus said. “I won’t lie to you and say it won’t. But it hurts less.”
“With time?” Sirius asked, his voice rough with unshed tears.
“No,” Remus said, and kissed the top of his head. “With love.”
Sirius sighed a little, resting his head on Remus’ shoulder. “I did really well today, didn’t I,” he finally said.
“Yeah,” Remus said. “I’m really proud of you.”
“It’s a weird feeling,” Sirius said. “To be . . . pleased with myself.”
Remus smiled. “You should be pleased. You’re getting better faster than I’d ever hoped.”
“Really?” A wide grin spread across Sirius’ face. “It makes me feel like . . . I don’t know . . . bouncing or something.”
Remus snickered. “So bounce. You’ve got a lot of pent-up energy.”
“I know!” Sirius jumped off the sofa. “Let’s go play in the rain!”
“Play in the rain?” Remus asked, sounding alarmed. “But rain is wet and cold!”
“You have no idea how to have a good time, Moony. Come on.” Sirius grabbed him by the arm and dragged him outside.
Remus found, much to his surprise, that the rain wasn’t cold at all. It was warm and gentle. He still, however, felt it was more fun to lean against the wall of the cabin and watch Sirius run around and holler like a maniac than it would be to join in. Sirius wasn’t having any of this, however. He grabbed Remus around the waist and spun him around until they both fell dizzily into a pile in the wet sand.
Sirius was up and bouncing around again before Remus could really react, but he ran out of energy quickly. He always did; something that bothered him, but Remus kept assuring him that stamina had to be built up slowly and that while wearing himself out constantly was annoying, it would get better with time.
“Oof, I’m tired,” he said.
“Come on inside,” Remus said. He was waiting in the doorway with a mug of hot tea. “You’re going to catch a cold, you maniac.”
“It was worth it.” Sirius came inside, dripping water everywhere. He seemed to realize this halfway in and frowned. “I’m getting everything wet.”
“I had noticed that,” Remus said, trying to keep his eyes on Sirius’ face, rather than straying to his soaking wet -- and of course white -- T-shirt.
Sirius shrugged, then peeled the T-shirt over his head and tossed it back outside.
Remus swallowed hard.
Sirius looked down at his pants, seeming to realize that they were also dripping water everywhere. Then he glanced up at Remus, a faint blush starting to tinge his cheeks as he realized that Remus was staring avidly at his now bare chest. To buy himself time to stop blushing, he turned and shut the front door.
When he turned back, Remus was suddenly right next to him. He backed up a step instinctively, startled, and ended up with his back against the door.
“You’re doing this to torture me, aren’t you,” Remus said.
Sirius managed a faint grin. “Is it working?”
Remus didn’t bother to reply with words. He lifted one hand and ran it through Sirius’ soaking wet hair, leaning forward to kiss him lightly. Sirius responded to the kiss hesitantly, as if he didn’t quite remember how to. “Come on, Moony,” he said, when Remus pulled away. “It’s been fun watching you be so frustrated. You think you’re being so suave and hiding it so well, but really you’re terribly obvious.”
Remus glared at him for a second before their lips met again. He could feel thirteen years of impatience building up. A wet and shirtless Sirius had been a little too much for his hormones. Sirius apparently had no objection to this; he draped his arms around Remus’ shoulders and kissed back as thoroughly as he remembered how, pressing himself up against Remus.
Remus finally came up for air a good minute or so later. He was debating the relative merits of going as far as Sirius would allow and ending supremely frustrated, or stopping now and only being slightly frustrated, but getting far less out of the evening. He didn’t have much time to debate this before Sirius kissed him, taking the initiative himself.
Remus decided, with the small part of his brain that was still functioning properly, that it would be best to stop now. If he kept going, he didn’t give much for the chance that he’d be able to stop.
He pulled away, gasping for breath. The two of them stared at each other for a minute. Remus fought down his hormones with everything he had.
Sirius leaned forward and kissed his forehead lightly. “Please,” he said softly. “I want to remember.”
Remus’ eyes widened slightly. “You don’t remember . . . at all?” he asked hesitantly.
“Pretty much all I remember is that it was my favorite thing to do in the entire world,” Sirius admitted, looking slightly chagrined at this.
Remus let out a slight snicker. “Got that right,” he said, remembering Sirius’ propensity to jump him at any point in the day.
“I want to remember,” Sirius said, brushing his lips over Remus’. “Please?”
“God, Sirius, you ask that like I might be able to say no,” Remus said, closing his eyes and fighting the urge to purr. “And here I was trying to figure out exactly how long a cold shower I was going to have to take . . .”
“I somehow doubt that’ll be necessary,” Sirius said with a slight smirk. “But see? Going out to play in the rain was a good idea.”
****
Remus woke up feeling perfectly content and a little bit too cold. The reason for this, he quickly ascertained, was because the blankets were only pulled to his waist. Sirius, apparently in an attempt to make up for this fact, was draped all over him. Remus yawned and pulled the blankets back up. He closed his eyes and basked in the afterglow of a particularly good night.
“Morning,” Sirius said.
Remus jumped a little, having not realized that Sirius was awake already. Then he smiled sleepily. “Morning.” He yawned. “Want some breakfast?”
“Maybe in a bit.” Sirius also yawned. “I think it’s still early.” He nodded to the angle of the sunlight shining through the curtains. “I’m happy right here.”
Remus snuggled up to him, one hand tracing lazy patterns on Sirius’ chest. “You should’ve dried your hair. The pillow’s all wet.”
“True.” Sirius closed his eyes, relaxing under Remus’ touch. “But then again, neither of us were exactly thinking straight, now were we.”
“Hm,” Remus agreed.
“How long are we going to stay here?” Sirius asked suddenly. “I mean, how long can you afford this without working? This cottage is expensive. Even with Allister helping . . .”
“I don’t know,” Remus admitted. “I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. We don’t really have anywhere else to go . . . it isn’t like you can come live in my apartment in London.”
“Can’t I?” Sirius asked suddenly. “Allister said you never got any visitors . . . no offense. And I can just transform if someone happened to drop by.”
Remus considered it. “But how would we get you inside?”
“We could use Polyjuice Potion again,” Sirius suggested. “Apparate in Ireland maybe, fly on over . . .”
Remus had to admit that it made sense. “Of course, you’re operating under the assumption that I make any money when I’m living in England,” he said dryly.
“You don’t?” Sirius asked, surprised.
“Not really . . . it’s hard to get hired, being a werewolf and all. And after what Snape did, now I can’t even take advantage of the people who don’t know, because soon everyone is going to. I suppose I should start taking Muggle jobs again, but those are always so frustrating . . . Muggles have a tendency to take an hour to do what any wizard could do in a minute.”
“Well, it certainly has to be cheaper than vacationing here,” Sirius said.
“Oh, that’s very true,” Remus agreed. His hand moved up to caress Sirius’ face. “If you’re sure. Once we’re in London, you won’t be able to go out unless you’re transformed, and even then it might be risky.”
“I know,” Sirius said. “But I’m tired of hiding. And of running. I just want to live with you. Normally. The way it used to be.”
“All right,” Remus said. “In a few days. Let’s enjoy a little more vacation first.”
Sirius nodded, then smiled a little as Remus’ fingers traced over his lips.
“So . . .” Remus said with a smirk, “is it still your favorite thing in the world?”
“I don’t know,” Sirius said doubtfully. “We might have to do it again, just so I can be sure.”
Remus chuckled. “Why do I get the feeling that we aren’t going to be going anywhere today?”
“Because you were always perceptive, Moony,” Sirius said with a grin. “It’s one of the things I love about you.”
“Is it, now?” Remus asked. “So have you remembered how to love?”
“I’ve remembered how to love you,” Sirius said in a low voice, leaning over and kissing Remus’ neck.
Remus closed his eyes. “Tell me,” he whispered.
“I love you,” Sirius said, his hands pushing away the sheets and blankets that lay between them. “I love you so much that the world stops when you aren’t with me. I love you so much that it hurts, and even the hurt is the best feeling in the world. I love the way you’re so patient with me, and the way you smile, and the way you look in the moonlight. I love you because you can’t hide how much you love me, even if you try. I love everything about you.”
Remus reached up, twining his hands in Sirius’ hair. “Tell me again,” he said.
“I love you.” Sirius punctuated each of these words with a brief kiss.
“I love you too,” Remus murmured. “Promise you’ll never leave me again. Promise.”
“I promise,” Sirius said. “I’ll never leave you. I wouldn’t know how to get by without you anyway.”
“Good,” Remus said. “Because I wouldn’t either.”
“I promise,” Sirius said again, and he kept repeating it long past the point when neither of them were listening.
****
Part Twelve
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