Maybe it's that I thought there ought to be some sort of closure. The story is finished -- where's the happy ending? We've finally won. Despite our terrible losses, we summoned Suzaku. Now it's over, and the only thing that's changed for me is that I have lost more friends, reminders of their unfinished lives wherever I look.

Tasuki leaves for Mt. Reikaku today; he's going to try to go home. My heart hurts to think of him -- he was a child in so many ways when we met him, but not anymore. The happy-go-lucky Tasuki we found has lost too much, and the laughter that used to come from his heart is now a mask to hide his pain. I worry that when he goes home, he'll find he can't stay there. I don't want him to end up like me, unable to find peace or rest in this world, but I fear he may. I see too much of myself in him.

Houki has asked me to stay at the palace to advise her. I'll stay for as long as I can, but this place is too full of memories. Even before all this, I could never stay long in one place. The pain of my past drives a spur in my heart, and sooner or later, I always have to flee, trying vainly to escape the ache in my soul that hounds me so relentlessly. Had I been hoping for an end to my wanderings? If so, it was a futile hope.

I go outside to the courtyard to bid Tasuki goodbye. I stand quietly as he packs his gear, then turns to me.

"Ya know you're always welcome to stop by. We'd be glad ta put ya up for a while."

"Hai, I'll visit." After all, I have to keep an eye on him.

"That's good. There'll always be stuff I can't talk about to the guys. They just wouldn't understand, ya know?" He smiles as he says it, but I can hear the pain behind his casual words. He won't fit in anymore, and he knows it. My heart aches for him, for his lost innocence. Mine is no fate for him, but with his peace destroyed, what else can he do?

"I know. And you're always welcome to accompany me in my wanderings, if you'd ever like to get away for a while." As much as we both hope that won't come to pass, we know better.

"Aa. I'll probably be takin' ya up on that one of these days." His amber eyes are hard and sad -- he knows what he's lost.

We clasp arms and he mounts his horse. By unspoken agreement, we say no goodbyes; there have already been too many of those. I stand and watch until the last of my friends has disappeared. I should be grateful I still have even one, but it's hard.

Alone again, I pick up my staff and leave by a different road. I can't stay here anymore, in a place so haunted by those who are gone. I hope Houki will understand -- our story has no 'happily ever after'.

9/24/99

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