Mall Rats
Or: The Simple Things it Takes to Make Everyone Happy
By Kouri, Yume, and Karasu
"Is everyone here yet?" Kouri addressed the crowd of displeased-looking Seishi in front of her.
There were vague mutters of, "Yeah," "I guess so," and "Not *these* authors again . . ."
"Oh, don't worry about me," Kouri said. "Worry about *her*." She pointed at the girl standing next to her. "If I may introduce Karasu, our guest co-author for the story. Get that hopeful look off your face, Tamahome. She doesn't like you. Nobody likes you."
"Hey, here comes the freak show!" Yume said, gesturing to the road. Miboshi and Ashitare were just beginning to cross the street.
"Oh, look at that bus," Karasu said, smiling evilly. "Too bad they can't get out of the way in time . . ."
Wolf and homicidal baby went flying across the road.
"Well, now that we've dealt with that . . ." Kouri turned back to the Seishi. "We promise not to kill the rest of you, don't look so petrified."
"Ano . . . why are we here no da?" Chichiri asked.
"You are going to be mall rats," Karasu explained. "Or maybe it's chinchillas."
"Chinchillas are cuter . . ." Yume said.
"You guys get credit cards and everything," Kouri informed the sweat-dropping Seishi. "Except Tama-chan, he gets cash 'cause he'll like it better." She sighed melodramatically. "Geez, the things we do so you guys can get a decent fanfic . . ."
"DECENT?!" This was echoed by most of the Seishi.
"If this is anything like the rest of them, decent is the last word I'd use," Tasuki muttered.
"Oh, don't get so panicked, Tasuki," Yume said. "Has anything we've done so far been all that bad?"
"YES!!"
"Case in point, the pool party," Tamahome said.
"And the truth or dare," Yui mumbled.
"And when you summoned us!" Suboshi cried.
Kouri raised a hentai eyebrow at her Shun-chan. "Now, come on, was being attacked by me all *that* bad?"
Suboshi sputtered. "Why do I get the feeling there's no right answer to that question?"
Kouri sighed again. "Anyway, don't get panicked. Once we give you the money, we're leaving anyway. You'll be on your own."
Muffled cheers from the Seishi and their Mikos.
"Rule one: you have to stay together," Karasu said firmly.
"What?"
"Huh?"
"Did she just say we . . ."
"Yes. Don't cross the authors." Karasu gestured to the bloodstain in the middle of the road.
"Rule two," Yume continued, "No death. Unless we cause it. It's a privilege reserved solely for authors."
"Rule three," Kouri spoke up, "don't destroy the damned mall. And no stealing, your cards will cover everything. And everyone has to buy at least one thing!"
"Tamahome, you get cash. You can have as much as you want, but you don't get more until you spend the first batch," Karasu explained.
Tamahome's vision of hoarded fortune vanished away on silver wings.
"Is that all, then?" Kouri asked, looking at her fellow authors. She began handing out credit cards.
"Isn't being an author nice?" Yume asked. "Do *we* get to keep these credit cards?"
Kouri rolled her eyes. "Okay, I think you've got all your instructions. Tamahome, if you want more cash, meet us back here and we'll give some to you."
Tamahome nodded, staring at the money with large, shiny eyes.
"All right, then! On your marks . . . get set . . . SHOP!" Karasu cried.
For a second, nobody moved. Then, muttering obscenities, the group moved into the mall.
"I hate these stories . . ." Hotohori mumbled.
"Don't they have anything *better* to do?" Nuriko asked.
(No. No we don't.)
"Oh well," Hotohori said. "At least they gave me this nice Armani suit . . . I still look good."
Nuriko nodded dreamily. "Hai, Hotohori-sama . . ." He eyed his own clothing – tight purple leather pants and a neon pink denim vest-thing. He sighed, a little less dreamily.
"Oi, okama-boy! Wake up!" Tasuki whacked Nuriko on the shoulder. Tasuki was wearing black corduroy pants, a tight cream T-shirt, and a dark brown leather vest. He also had black Doc Marten boots with red shiny laces.
Nuriko smashed Tasuki into a handy nearby wall.
(We said, don't destroy the mall!)
Tamahome was wearing a navy blue baggy sweater and jeans. On the whole, he looked fairly normal. Next to him, Chichiri was wearing a flannel shirt that matched his kesa pattern, a white T-shirt, and faded blue jeans. Chiriko was looking adorable (as usual) in a striped shirt and overalls. Mitsukake was wearing a green polo shirt and Dockers.
On the Seiryuu side, Nakago was in full Goth gear. Black jeans, black shirt, black combat boots, and a black trenchcoat. This was topped off by a pair of mirror shades sitting on top of his head. He was extremely pleased about this. Soi, clinging to his arm, was also in all black. She was wearing a catsuit of black leather and vinyl. Nakago was doing his best to ignore her. Tomo was wearing *tight* jeans and a T-shirt that said, "Real men wear makeup." The twins looked fairly normal, for the Seiryuus. They were both wearing jeans and T-shirts. Amiboshi's said, "Twin," and had an arrow that pointed to the left. Suboshi's also said, "Twin," and had an arrow that pointed to the right.
The Mikos, as always, were wearing their stupid school outfits.
(The ultimate sign of lack of fashion taste.)
Their first stop was the food court. Miaka, of course, was in instant Heaven. She was also in instant debt. Fortunately, the credit cards the *wonderful* authors had provided had no maximum.
About three hours later, they dragged Miaka away kicking and screaming.
"How can you still be hungry?" Tasuki screamed at her.
"Hey, what's that?" Tamahome asked, looking at an ATM. He watched as a person walked up and withdrew money. "It's giving out money!" He ran over.
(TAMAHOME!)
Tamahome hung his head and walked away slowly.
(Hey, guys, be nice. The pool party fic isn't done yet, you know . . .)
Several terrified shrieks later, they continued their mall trip.
"The first thing we have to do is get those two out of those awful uniforms," Soi said, looking speculatively at the Mikos.
"Awful uniforms? What about your *hair*?!" Yui cried.
Soi pondered for a second, then looked at Miaka and Chiriko. "Okay, next stop, the hairdresser."
The group trooped into Filene's and headed for women's clothing. The two Mikos wandered around the racks, wide-eyed.
Amiboshi approached Yui timidly, holding a long skirt. "Ano . . . Yui-sama?"
"Hai?" Yui asked, turning around.
Amiboshi held the skirt out to her. "Do – Do you think you could try this? I mean, I'd like to be able to have an intelligent conversation with my brother once in a while, and I think this would really help . . ."
Yui blinked a few times. "This would help?"
"Yeah, you know . . . his intelligence is in direct proportion with your skirt length . . . pants would be good, too . . . please, Yui-sama?" Amiboshi looked at her with wide, pleading eyes. "Onegai?"
"Oh," Yui said, then took the skirt. "Sure, I'll try it on."
"Arigatou!" Amiboshi said.
Suboshi walked over, also holding a skirt. "Yui-sama, try this on!"
Yui blinked. "Is that . . . supposed to be a skirt? It's wider than it is long!"
(It's a butt warmer.)
"It'll look great on you!" Suboshi said, smiling at her.
Amiboshi wandered away, holding his head in his hands. "Well, I tried . . ."
An hour later, they left Filene's. Miaka was now dressed in a normal, and only half-bad looking, sundress. *Not* yellow with red polka dots. Yui was wearing a long, cream colored skirt (much to Amiboshi's relief and Suboshi's disappointment) and a tight blue shirt (much to Suboshi's glee and Amiboshi's dismay).
"Where now?" Mitsukake asked.
(Wow. He said something.)
"HAIRDRESSER!!" several people shouted.
They headed for the nearest beauty salon and walked inside.
"Ooh," Tomo said. "They do nails . . ." He laughed his spooky little I'm-an-evil-bastard laugh. "Kakakakaka . . ." He then plopped down into a chair.
The hairdresser looked up and saw the company. "Oh . . . my . . . God!" She pointed to Soi, Miaka, and Chiriko. "You, you, and you. Sit. Now."
Looking slightly fearful, the three sat in the chairs.
The hairdresser turned to the back of the store. "Can I get some help out here?"
"How many hours is this gonna take?" Tasuki whined.
Nakago leaned against the wall and tapped his foot.
One of the hairdressers pointed to Hotohori and said, "You know, you should take your cues from him. *He* looks good."
"Yes, yes, I know," Hotohori sighed.
The hairdresser sweatdropped.
A collective groan ensued.
Another hairdresser looked at Chichiri and said, "You know, I'm not even going to bother with him."
Chichiri grinned. "Daa . . ."
"What about him?" Nuriko asked, pointing at Mitsukake.
"Lose the bandanna and you'll be fine," the hairdresser assured him.
Meanwhile, Tomo's first hand was done. He was admiring it, looking much more pleased than was probably good for him.
"Cutting this would be a shame," the hairdresser said, playing with Soi's hair. She did it in two French braids down the sides, then moved on to Chiriko. "Cutting *this* is no problem." In minutes, Chiriko looked like a *gasp* normal boy.
"Chiriko kawaii . . ." Miaka said, smiling at him.
Chiriko tried to hide behind Mitsukake.
"You look fine," Mitsukake said, patting him on his newly shorn head.
"Now about you," the hairdresser said to Miaka. "This is gonna take some work."
"Shave it! Shave it!" Tasuki cried.
Tamahome punched him.
(DON'T destroy the mall, damn it! Behave or you get no more money, Tamahome!)
"Eek!" Tamahome cowered against the wall.
Tasuki snickered.
The hairdresser set to work, perming Miaka's hair and letting it down loose.
"Are your nails done, Tomo?" Nuriko asked.
Tomo displayed them proudly.
"Okay, let's go," Tasuki said, desperate to get out of the feminine atmosphere.
"Let's go in here!" Chiriko cried, pointing to a book store. "Can we? Can we?"
"Sure," Tamahome replied, walking inside. Within minutes, everyone was comfortably settled with a book suited to his or her particular taste. Tamahome had a 'get rich quick' how-to book. Miaka had a cookbook and was drooling all over the pages. Tasuki had a book entitled: "Napalm and You." Mitsukake had a medical encyclopedia; Chiriko had normal encyclopedias. Nuriko had a fashion magazine. Hotohori was looking over Nuriko's shoulder and commenting about how much better looking he was than the models. Chichiri was reading a book on sleight of hand and was trying the tricks out. They were working. Much better than usual, in fact.
Nakago was happily settled with a book on medieval torture devices. Soi was sitting on his lap, reading, "100 Ways to Better Sex." The twins were squished into one chair, reading the same book: "The Psychic Connection of Twins." Tomo was looking at a book of clown makeup in horrified fascination, occasionally making squeaking noises of dismay. Yui was reading "War and Peace" for the fifth time.
(Okay, this is boring. Let's get going and do something else.)
The group made their purchases and headed out of the store. They trooped up and down the mall, until Nakago suddenly had a fit of personality. "I want to go in here. Now. I have decided."
Most of them being intelligent enough not to mess with Nakago, the group went into Hot Topic, a full-blown Goth store. Most of the group stayed in a tight bunch by the door, terrified. Tasuki was admiring the rows of lighters. He grabbed a handful and bought them on the spot. Nakago was admiring all the weaponry. Soi checked to make sure no one was looking, then surreptitiously bought a set of chain mail underwear. Chichiri was looking at the magick books and shaking his head. Tomo was admiring the sparkly makeup.
"Aniki, look at this!" Suboshi cried out triumphantly, holding an unidentifiable piece of weaponry.
"Do I have to?" Amiboshi asked, hiding behind Mitsukake.
"Mitsukake-san," Chiriko said, tugging on Mitsukake's sleeve. "What's this?" He held up a set of padded handcuffs.
Mitsukake eeped and turned red. "Nothing. Nothing at all. Go put those back." He looked around. "Can we leave now? We're contaminating the young minds . . ."
"Who's a young mind?" Suboshi asked indignantly.
"Well, I'd like to get going," Yui said.
Suboshi blinked. "Okay, Yui-sama . . ."
"Hey, that shirt *is* good for something," Amiboshi said thoughtfully.
"Are you ready to go, Nakago-sama?" Tomo asked hesitantly. He had bought and put on some sparkly, black eyeshadow.
"I suppose so," Nakago grumbled, bringing his armload of weapons to the counter. Everyone sweat-dropped.
(Remember, no killing anyone!)
The group moved on.
"A toy store!" Suboshi crowed gleefully. Amiboshi's eyes lit up. Before anyone could say anything, the two were inside the store. Suboshi grabbed a toy lightsaber. "Hey, Aniki!"
Amiboshi looked over. "Oh, cool!" He grabbed another lightsaber and the two of them started having a mock battle, complete with sound effects.
"You know, they could be really cute if they put some effort into it," Soi said thoughtfully.
"Yeah, if Suboshi wasn't psychotic," Tamahome mumbled.
Miaka hit him.
(HEY! Tamahome! I HEARD THAT!!!!)
"Uh oh," Nuriko said. "You're in for it now. Don't you remember who's writing this?"
(That's it! NO MORE MONEY!!!)
"Aaah!" Tamahome shrieked. "Gomennasai gomennasai! Please, please give me my money back!"
(I'll think about it. Be nice. He's my Shun-chan and he's ADORABLE so just get over it. Thank you, I'm done now.)
One of the employees came out of the back. "Hey! You two! No fighting in the store!"
The twins turned in unison. "Awww . . ."
The group as a whole turned to the employee. Nakago, looking very imposing as always (and also rather evil, given his apparel), said coldly, "Leave the children alone."
"Right. That's what I meant." The employee beat a hasty retreat.
"WAI WAI!" Suboshi yelled, and immediately began attacking again.
"Arigatou, Nakago-sama!" Amiboshi shouted, fending off his brother. Suboshi chased him down the aisle, where they found themselves surrounded by large, fluffy stuffed animals.
"OOOOHHH!" both twins cried in unison, and immediately dropped the lightsabers and flopped down, glomping onto a giant teddy bear. The group followed them down the aisle.
"Wow, that thing's as big as they are. Put together," Tasuki said, looking stunned.
Yui turned to Miaka. "This is sooooo kawaii. It's really odd. Suboshi isn't usually this cute. He's acting . . . like a kid."
"Weird," Miaka nodded.
"They need that bear no da," Chichiri said.
"I'll pay for it," Mitsukake said.
"No, I wanna pay for it!" Nuriko said, glaring.
"I get to!"
"Me!"
"Guys, why don't you just let *them* pay for it?" Tamahome asked.
Everyone immediately started chucking stuffed animals at Tamahome.
"Animal fight!" someone cried. Soon the air was filled with flying stuffed animals. The twins were holding onto their bear with one arm, throwing animals with the other.
The employee walked back out. "Uh, guys . . ."
Nakago's kokoro started to shine a brilliant blue.
"Never mind. My mistake." He quickly turned and scurried away.
A refreshing half hour later, Nakago walked up to buy the bear. (He won the stuffed animal fight, hands down.) "I'm going to pick this up later. Okay?"
"Fine. Fine. Whatever you say."
Chiriko tugged on Mitsukake's sleeve. "Can I buy this?" He was holding a handful of Koosh balls.
"I don't think we've got a spending limit," Mitsukake said. "Sure you can."
Chiriko clapped his hands. "WAI WAI!"
About five minutes later, the twins walked up to the counter, carrying armloads full of stuff. "Um, this is our stuff."
"Okay," the clerk said. Please don't let their credit run out. I don't want to have to tell them their credit is bad.
"Look, I have a yo-yo!" a gleeful Suboshi showed Yui.
"That's very nice, Shun-chan."
Suboshi blinked, smiled an idiotic grin, and walked back over to join his brother. "Aniki . . . Aniki . . . she called me Shun-chan!"
Amiboshi patted his brother on the shoulder. "That's nice. Now please engage your brain."
Chichiri bought a set of juggling balls, and was playing with them as they moved down the mall. "Look, no hands no da!" he cried, putting his hands behind his back. The balls continued to move in a circle, attracting stares from passersby.
"People are staring, Chichiri," Tasuki hissed. He reached out and hit one of the balls, sending it flying across the corridor.
"Hey! No fair no da!" The ball came flying back and hit Tasuki on the forehead.
They passed the pet store. Nakago stopped and stared, trying to keep his normal attitude of cool detachment. Everyone kept walking except Chichiri, who stopped and watched as Nakago pressed his face up against the glass and watched the puppies play. He walked over to an open top box and dangled his fingers inside. A golden retriever puppy walked up and started licking his hand. Nakago blinked a few times, trying not to grin idiotically.
Chichiri walked up to the counter. "I'm buying that puppy no da," he said, handing the man his card. A few seconds later, he walked over to Nakago, picked the puppy up, and handed it to him. "Here no da. Unconditional love."
The puppy licked Nakago's face.
"You need this, no da," Chichiri said, grinning like a loon.
"But . . . what do I *do* with it?" Nakago asked.
Chichiri sighed. "Hug it. Play with it. Let it lick your face. Love it and let it love you no da."
Nakago blinked. "Okay . . ."
"Come on, let's go no da."
They rejoined the group outside of Victoria's Secret.
"I have a puppy!" Nakago proclaimed proudly, lifting it up for all to see. Chichiri hid his grin. Everyone stared at Nakago. Chichiri fell to the floor, laughing.
"He's . . . smiling," Soi said. "Not smirking. Smiling."
"Nakago-sama?" Tomo asked hesitantly. "Are you all right?"
"I HAVE A PUPPY!"
"What's it's name?" Hotohori asked.
"Umm . . . Killer?" Nakago suggested. He paused, then nodded decisively. "Killer."
"He's cute," Nuriko said, nodding knowingly.
Nakago nodded solemnly. "Of course he's cute. He's my puppy."
'Killer' started to whimper, not too pleased with being held on display. Nakago immediately pulled him to his chest and started to snuggle him.
"I never thought I'd see this," Tamahome muttered.
"No shit," Tasuki answered.
"Someone should've done this a long time ago," Mitsukake said.
"Hey, can we get one?" Suboshi asked.
"Sure no da," Chichiri said, recovering from his giggle fit. "The store's back that way."
"Can we go in here first?" Soi asked hopefully, gesturing to the lingerie store.
Tomo and Nuriko nodded hopefully.
"I suppose," Hotohori said, eyeing Nuriko nervously.
There were several muffled cheers, then Tomo, Soi, and Nuriko bolted inside.
"I am *not* going in there," Tasuki announced.
"Ano, Tasuki, we're not allowed to split up," Chiriko said. "Besides, what's so bad about this place? It's just clothing."
"Umm, Chiriko . . ." Mitsukake began, then changed his mind. "Never mind."
Whimpering, Tasuki allowed himself to be dragged into the store.
"Hey, Miaka, why don't you try this on?" Tamahome asked, throwing an unidentifiable piece of transparent cloth at Miaka.
"Hey, Yui-sama, why don't you – "
Amiboshi whacked his brother over the head. "No. Play with your yo-yo."
"Okay . . ." Suboshi looked mildly disappointed, but as his head was still in the clouds from being called Shun-chan, didn't argue much.
Soi, Tomo, and Nuriko picked out a few outfits and dragged everyone over to the dressing rooms.
Mitsukake took his bandana off and wrapped it over Chiriko's eyes. "Just trust me on this, Chiriko. You don't want to see it."
"Nuriko, you're not gonna try that on, are you?" Tasuki asked, eyeing Nuriko's . . . choice.
Nuriko glared. "Why not? It's against the law for them to tell me I can't."
"What if I tell you that you can't?"
"You wanna be knocked into a wall?"
Tasuki sighed. "Well, you can't make me look . . ."
Nuriko rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't want you to."
"If Yui's not trying anything on, can I wait outside and play with my yo-yo?" Suboshi asked.
"I don't know, ask the co-authors," Tamahome said, still trying to get Miaka to try on the . . . thing . . . that he was holding.
(No, it's way too much fun to keep them in there.)
"Rats," Suboshi said.
Tasuki whimpered.
Soi, Tomo and Nuriko disappeared into dressing rooms. A few minutes later, Nuriko emerged. "What do you think, Hotohori-sama?"
Hotohori fell to the floor with a thud.
Everyone looked down.
"He fainted no da," Chichiri said.
(Thank you, Captain Obvious.)
"I think he liked it," Tamahome said, nodding wisely.
Nuriko grinned. "I'm going to buy it."
"Oh God," Tasuki whimpered, trying to look anywhere *but* at Nuriko.
Tomo and Soi emerged simultaneously and said in unison, "How do I look, Nakago-sama?"
Nakago looked at Tomo, then at Soi, then back to Tomo, then back to Soi. After a few seconds of consideration, he said solemnly, "I have a puppy." Then he looked at neither of them.
"Can we go?" Tasuki whined.
"Shouldn't you let them get changed back first?" Mitsukake asked.
"Mitsukake-san, what's going on?" Chiriko asked.
"Nothing. Nothing you'd want to know about."
Chiriko sighed and squirmed impatiently.
"Please go change," Amiboshi said, averting his eyes.
Suboshi, unable to find anything Yui was willing to try on, nodded in agreement.
Once the three had changed back into their real clothing, they left the store.
"Hey, what's this?" Tasuki asked, poking his head into Lady Grace.
"It's an underwear store," Nuriko called out. "For women. Lots of pretty, lacy, see-through lingerie."
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Tasuki bolted from the store. "DAMN IT, I HATE WOMEN!"
Everyone in the mall looked over at Tasuki. He muttered something obscene, turned into a tomato with hair, and continued to walk down the mall, trying to look nonchalant.
(Yeah, right.)
"Hey, let's go in here," Amiboshi said eagerly as they passed a music store. He grabbed Suboshi by the arm and dragged him inside.
After a while sampling the music through headphones, they lined up at the counter with their selections. Nakago had a Metallica CD and a Live CD. Soi was behind him with U2 and Sting. Amiboshi had some respectable classical music, featuring the flute. In contrast, his twin had Stabbing Westward and Matchbox 20. Tomo had Nine Inch Nails and Tori Amos. Yui also had some classical music.
Miaka had a couple of cheesy musicals: Grease and Bye Bye Birdie. Chiriko also had musicals, but he had good ones. Phantom of the Opera and Rent. Hotohori had some stylish feminine music: Sarah McLachlan and Jewel. Nuriko (who hadn't missed this fact) had Ani DiFranco (righteous babe) and Elton John (the diva). Mitsukake had some peaceful new age music: Enya and Fresh Aire. Tamahome had a couple of Beatles CDs. Tasuki had one CD by the Talking Heads and another by Tool. Chichiri had Barenaked Ladies and They Might Be Giants.
After the long time it took them to check out, they left the store.
"Are we done yet?" Tasuki whined. Before he got an answer, he said, "Oh, a candle store! Neat!" He darted inside the store and started looking around. After he realized that there was nothing he could set on fire on the spot, and nothing he could set fire *with*, he grumbled obscenities and left the store.
"Where to now?" Soi asked.
"DAAAAA!!!!" Chichiri suddenly yelled, bolting into Natural Wonders.
By the time everyone had caught up with him, he was already playing with one of the 3-D metal puzzles.
"Ooh, neat," Chiriko said, and promptly solved it. "That was easy!"
"Daaaa . . ." Chichiri muttered in disappointment. However, he recovered quickly, and wandered off to look at the glow-in-the-dark frogs.
"Hey, they have musical instruments here," Amiboshi said, going towards the back of the store.
Nakago had picked up one of the dog puppets and started teasing 'Killer' with it. 'Killer' promptly bit the thing on the nose. Nakago shrugged, put it down, and snuggled the puppy.
"Hey, you have to pay for that!" a clerk called out.
Nakago turned around and glared.
"Or not," the clerk said.
Hotohori was poking around at the colored stones. Nuriko was looking through the T-shirts. Tasuki started looking at the jewelry. He picked up a pair of lapis lazuli earrings and said to the world at large, "Hey, do you think Kouji would like these?"
Nuriko turned around. "So, *that's* how it is between you two."
Tasuki turned red. "It is NOT, you fucking hentai! I just wondered if he'd like the fucking earrings!"
Tomo snickered. "So that's what he means when he says he doesn't like women."
"FUCK YOU ALL!" Tasuki yelled.
"Um, Tasuki, maybe you should tone it down a bit," Mitsukake suggested.
Tasuki noticed everyone was staring at him. "Never mind. But I'm buying the earrings anyway. So there."
"Um, you do that," Hotohori said.
After a while, they wandered away. "What's in here?" Mitsukake asked, catching the word 'health' in the store name. "A health store? They sell health?" He walked inside and began examining the herbal remedies. "Do they actually think this stuff works?"
Soi was looking at the massage oils. "Hmm, I could use these."
"Hopefully for what they were intended," Nuriko remarked.
Tasuki and Tamahome were looking at the bath oils in mystified fascination. "How can women *use* all this shit?" Tasuki wondered aloud. "All you need is fucking soap!"
Miaka walked over and picked up a bottle of shampoo. "Oo, watermelon!" She opened the top and started to pour it down her throat.
"Don't EAT it, you MORON!" Tamahome yelled, grabbing the bottle.
"Oh, I don't feel so good," Miaka moaned.
"You puke on me, I kill you," Suboshi grumbled.
"You have to pay for that, you know!" the clerk yelled.
Everyone looked at Nakago. He shrugged. "Don't expect me to get *her* out of this."
Miaka was looking extremely green-faced, so Tamahome paid for the non-edible shampoo.
Mitsukake sighed. "Why do these things always happen around her?" He waited until no one was looking, and healed her. "Feeling better?"
"Arigatou!" Miaka chirped, jumping back to her feet. "Actually, it tasted pretty good . . ."
Various groans ensued, the co-authors glared, and they dragged her out of the store.
(Be careful, Miaka. We *can* off you. Not anyone else, but we would be willing to kill you.)
"Hey," Tamahome said half-heartedly.
"What's in there?" Hotohori asked, peering into a store.
"It looks like makeup," Nuriko answered.
"MAKEUP? WHERE?!" Tomo shoved Nuriko out of the way. "YES!!!" He dashed into the store.
"I've never seen him run that fast before," Soi remarked.
"We're going to be here all day," Suboshi groaned.
"Well, you can get a free makeover too, if you want," Nuriko said, following Tomo into the store.
"We're staying out here," Tamahome announced as Suboshi turned red and Amiboshi attempted to calm him down.
"Suboshi, take it easy," Yui said.
Suboshi blinked. "Yui-sama . . ."
"You know, I do like that shirt after all," Amiboshi said.
"Are you going in, Hotohori-sama?" Tamahome asked.
"Well, it's interesting," Hotohori replied. "But really, there's nothing they can do to improve my looks."
Nakago glared. 'Killer' growled.
"You're upsetting the puppy," Nakago said threateningly. "Stop."
Hotohori decided to go into the store after all. He, Nuriko, Tomo, and Soi all went in for makeovers.
"Last stop," Tamahome said. "Let's go for ice cream."
Miaka perked up instantly.
They went to Friendly's and settled at a big table. Everyone ordered ice cream. Nakago said, "Can dogs eat ice cream?"
"I don't think so no da," Chichiri said. "I think it's bad for them."
Nakago's eyes widened in dismay. "What about hamburgers?"
"Yeah, they like hamburgers," Tasuki said, nodding as if he knew everything about dogs.
Nakago ordered 'Killer' a hamburger. They ate in fairly peaceable silence.
"Hey, you know?" Tamahome said hesitantly.
"What?" Tasuki asked, his mouth full of ice cream.
"For a fic written by these guys, this hasn't been half bad."
"Hey, you're right," Suboshi remarked. "This is surreal."
"I didn't get fried once," Tamahome said.
"And you didn't beat me up," Tasuki said wonderingly.
"We've all been fairly civil to each other," Tomo said, shaking his head.
(And think, we don't even have any plans to make it worse!)
"How much drugs did they take before they wrote this?" Soi wondered.
(You should thank me, the new co-author. This was all my idea anyway. I even kept Yume's hentai rays to a minimum.)
(Hey! I never suggested anything hentai! You never once had to censor me!)
(Oh, both of you shut up so we can get back to the story!)
(Biiiiiida!)
When everyone was finished their ice cream, Nuriko looked at the ceiling and asked, "Are we done yet?"
(Sure. We guess.)
The group began the long trek back to where they'd come in, stopping to pick up the teddy bear and get Suboshi a dog. On the way, they passed The Limited Too.
"Hey, this looks kinda neat," Tamahome said. They headed for the entrance.
"You can't bring that dog in here!" a clerk shouted.
"That dog?" Nakago asked coldly, his eyebrows lifted. "This is my puppy."
"Oh, shit," Tasuki said.
Nakago lifted one hand.
"Hey, wait!" Soi said. "The co-authors said we couldn't destroy the mall! You don't wanna get squashed! They might even take the puppy away, too . . ."
Nakago paused, contemplating this.
(Ah, we don't care. The Limited Too sucks anyway. Go ahead and blow it up. It's in defense of the puppy, after all. We like the puppy.)
Five minutes later, they left the smoking ruin of the store and went outside. They sat outside for a minute, watching 'Killer' and Suboshi's puppy, 'Sparky' (he'd let Amiboshi name him, or else he probably would've named it 'Mauler') play together.
Tasuki approached Tamahome sullenly, trying not to look at him. "Here. I, um, got you this. Take it." He held out a little bottle of gold flakes he'd gotten at Natural Wonders.
"Wow," Tamahome said. "Oh. I, uh, kinda sorta got these for you." He handed Tasuki a package of three-foot sparklers.
Tasuki's eyes lit up. "All RIGHT!" He regained his dignity. "Oh. Well, thanks. I guess."
"Yeah," Tamahome said. "You too. Whatever."
Yui walked over to Miaka. "Here. I got you a book."
"A book?" Miaka asked, sounding her most intelligent.
Yui handed her "One Hundred Recipes Made E-Z." "Here. I think it'll help."
"Arigatou, Yui-chan!" Miaka chirped. "Here, I got us a set of friendship rings!"
"Oh, thanks," Yui said. She took one from Miaka's outstretched hand and put it on, then hugged her.
Chiriko walked over and tugged Mitsukake's sleeve. "Mitsukake-san! I got you a present!"
Mitsukake knelt so he was on eye-level with him. "Arigatou, Chiriko. What is it?"
Chiriko handed him a book on herbal remedies. "Here!"
Mitsukake took it and looked at it admiringly. "Well, I got you something too." He handed Chiriko a set of the 3-D metal puzzles. Then he winked and said, "Don't solve them all at once."
"Arigatou, Mitsukake-san!" Chiriko said, throwing his arms around Mitsukake's neck.
Nuriko walked up to Hotohori and winked. "Well, since you seemed to like that one outfit I tried on, I bought it for you."
Hotohori turned white and his eyes started to roll back.
"Just kidding, just kidding!" Nuriko cried. "Don't faint! I just got you some of the polished stones you liked."
Hotohori breathed a sigh of relief. "Arigatou, Nuriko." He smiled shyly. "By the way, Nuriko, I saw this and just thought of you, so I knew I had to buy it for you."
Nuriko stared at him, wide-eyed. "H-H-H-H-Hotohori-sama," he stammered.
Hotohori smiled (increasing Nuriko's swoon fit) and took out a bracelet set with amethyst. "See, it's the same color as your hair." He reached out and took Nuriko's hand, putting the bracelet on Nuriko's wrist.
Nuriko gave up and fainted. Hotohori caught him as he fell. Nuriko regained consciousness for about three seconds, realized where he was, and fainted again out of sheer bliss.
Tomo went over to Soi. "Here. A peace offering." He held out a little bottle of perfume. "No hard feelings, right?"
Soi took the bottle of perfume and sniffed. "Hmm, it smells good. Okay, no hard feelings." She hesitated, then added, "After all, if there had been, I wouldn't have gotten this for you." She handed him a makeup kit.
"Ooh, neat," Tomo said, admiring the many colors inside.
Both of them turned simultaneously to Nakago and said in unison, "Nakago-sama, I got you this." They turned to glare at each other, then decided it wasn't worth it.
Soi handed Nakago a leash and a dog dish with the name 'Killer' written on it. Tomo gave him a couple of puppy toys. Nakago rewarded them with a smile, which was all the gift they could ever want, then turned back to his puppy.
"I guess there's really no point in arguing with each other any more," Soi remarked.
"Yeah, since we've both been outdone by a dog," Tomo sighed.
Tamahome went over to Miaka. "Oi, Miaka, I got you this." He handed her a bag of candy.
"Analkdjbf," Miaka answered, stuffing the whole bag of candy into her mouth at once.
Tamahome blinked. "I guess you liked it . . ."
Miaka suddenly started to wail. "TAMAHOME! I didn't get you anything! I'm so SORRY! I'm just a meatball brain!!"
Tasuki looked over and cackled. "Yep!"
"SHUT UP!" Tamahome yelled. He hugged Miaka. "It's okay, I don't mind. I already knew you were a meatball head."
("Someday you'll let me bang you and everything will be worth it.")
Nakago walked over to Chichiri. Looking perfectly dignified as always, he said, "In thanks for the puppy . . ." and handed Chichiri a small black ball of fluff which identified itself as a kitten when it meowed.
"DAAAAA!" Chichiri cried in delight, kissing the kitten's nose.
"There. Now you won't have to borrow Mitsukake's any longer." Nakago turned and walked back to 'Killer.'
"What are you going to name it?" Chiriko asked, having witnessed this scene.
Chichiri thought hard for a second, then proclaimed loudly, "Snowball no da!"
Chiriko blinked. "Okay . . ."
Suboshi finally looked up from the tricks he was learning with his yo-yo and grabbed his brother around the shoulders. "ANIKI!"
Amiboshi jumped. "What?" As pleased as he was to see his brother acting intelligently, he was somewhat startled.
"Here," Suboshi said, and pulled out a slide whistle.
Amiboshi took it from him and tried it out. "Ooh, neat! Oh, by the way, I got you something too." He pulled out a small toy tank. "Here!"
"WAI WAI!" Suboshi yelled, and immediately started playing with it, making exploding noises as he rammed it into the curb repeatedly.
Tomo glanced over. "They're so cute when they act young."
Both the twins glared at him.
Suboshi put the tank aside and walked over to Yui. "Ano . . . Yui-sama . . . here. I got you this." He pulled out a small white stuffed bear, holding a small red heart.
"Awww . . . that's so kawaii . . ." Yui took the bear from him and hugged it.
"Do you like it?" Suboshi asked eagerly.
"It's adorable," Yui answered reassuringly. "I didn't get you anything, but . . ." she reached out and hugged him, then gave him a kiss on the cheek.
Suboshi keeled over backwards. Amiboshi leapt over the playing dogs and caught his brother just before he hit the pavement.
"You've really gotta stop doing that," he said to Yui. "I think you've *permanently* debrained him this time."
Yui just grinned. "He doesn't seem too unhappy about that."
"Yui-sama . . ." Suboshi muttered.
Yui lifted her eyebrows. "See?"
The three co-authors popped back into existence. "Nice job on the store," Karasu greeted them with, giving them a manic grin.
Kouri knelt next to the kitten. "It's a kitty!"
"Thanks, Kouri," Yume said. "Hey, on the whole, you guys did a pretty good job this time! Nobody got killed, or even maimed. Pretty impressive on the whole."
"That's why we treated you so well," Kouri said. "You were behaving."
"And you killed the store," Karasu added, grinning.
Kouri and Yume inched away.
"The puppy was my idea," Karasu declared proudly.
"Can you help them write more often?" Tasuki asked hopefully. "I think this went pretty well . . ."
"Yeah, this was *supposed* to be a parody," Kouri said. "Now look what happened!"
"Oh, stop whining," Yume said, hitting her sister over the head. "Your Shun-chan *got* Yui, how often does that happen!"
Kouri pouted. "But if Yui gets him, I can't have him!"
"Ummm . . ." Yume sweat-dropped.
"It's a good thing he's still unconscious," Amiboshi remarked.
Kouri looked at him speculatively. "Can I have you instead?"
Karasu whacked her. "Stop that. Leave the poor boy alone."
Kouri stuck her tongue out at the world in general.
Amiboshi looked grateful. "We really *do* have to get you involved more often."
"So are we done?" Kouri asked, recovering from her pout-fit and playing with Snowball.
"Well, everyone's happy," Yume said.
"Yeah, this is *weird*," Karasu added. "What a bizarre way to end a fic."
"Yeah, especially one by us," Kouri said, looking mournfully at her Shun-chan.
"Well, Miboshi and Ashitare aren't happy," Soi pointed out.
"Oh. Good point. Oh, well, that's okay!" Yume said. "In fact, it's awesome!"
Nuriko and Suboshi regained consciousness.
"Hi guys!" Karasu said. "Nice of you to join us!"
"And don't even think about fainting again!" Kouri yelled. "I can tell you want to! But we've been nice!"
"Yeah," Nuriko said.
"Yui-sama," Suboshi agreed, nodding.
"Of course, you realize what this means," Kouri said. "It means we'll have to get extra torturing in next time."
Everyone paled.
"Don't freak them out," Karasu said.
"We'll let you keep the puppy," Yume added.
"Can we end this story?" Kouri asked plaintively. "Before my fingers fall off from typing so much?"
"Whine, whine," Karasu said. "Okay. Jaa!" The three co-authors disappeared in a burst of light.
The group looked around at each other.
"They didn't take the credit cards back," Tasuki observed.
"Wanna go in for some more stuff?" Tamahome suggested.
"Sounds good to me," Tomo said.
"Let's go," Nuriko said.
And so they did, trailing the puppies and the kitten behind.
The End.