Part Six
When Subaru woke up the second time, he could hear voices. Blurred ones, but voices nonetheless. He opened his eye and looked up to see Sorata hovering anxiously over Kamui while Arashi held a bundle of flowers in her arms. A slight smile touched his lips. It was good to have friends.
“Subaru!” Kamui immediately noticed that he was awake. “How are you feeling?”
Hm, what to answer? The facts, which were that he felt like shit and he thought his head was about to fall off, would not do much to reassure Kamui. “I’m all right,” he told the younger boy. Kamui looked exhausted, but it was more than that, he looked completely worn out. Kamui, haven’t you slept or eaten at all? Subaru wondered, exasperated. Now I know how Johnny felt when he was trying to deal with me. He looked at Kamui and was glad to see that his arms were bandaged. At least he’d gotten his own injuries taken care of. Subaru glanced at Sorata, who blinked back at him.
“Is there a vase in the ward?” Sorata asked cheerfully. Upon receiving an affirmative answer, he said, “Miss, why don’t you go arrange the flowers? Kamui will go with you.”
“I - ” Kamui began, then he drooped, as if he didn’t see the point in arguing. He glanced over his shoulder as he followed out of the room.
“Now, you didn’t fool me,” Sorata said. “How are you feeling?”
“Terrible,” Subaru answered succinctly. “My head aches and that’s the least of my problems.”
“How’s . . .” Sorata waved vaguely. “How’s your eye?”
Subaru paused, searching his memory for the scraps of conversation he remembered. “I think it’ll be okay. Once the swelling goes down. Do you happen to know where Seishirou is? Kamui told me, but I don’t remember.”
“He’s in a room down the hall,” Sorata said. “He got a concussion, but he’s okay.”
“Good. Can you do me a favor?”
“Sure.”
“Take Kamui home. He’s been sitting here the entire time, and I know he hasn’t eaten and I doubt he’s slept. It certainly won’t do any of us any good if he withers away.”
Sorata nodded.
“And don’t let him feel guilty about what happened.” Subaru sighed.
“Why am I sensing that there’s a much longer story here that I’m missing?” Sorata asked, frowning.
“Because you’re a smart man,” Subaru said dryly. He was saved from having to explain further as the door opened and Arashi came back in, with Kamui on her heels. He immediately plopped back into his chair.
Sorata looked at the young man carefully. “Well, we’ve tired out Subaru-san long enough,” he announced, sounding altogether too cheerful. “We should get home. You too, Kamui.”
“I - ” Kamui tried again.
“It’s better that you go for now,” Subaru said quietly. “I’ll be all right by myself, and you need your rest.”
Kamui nodded slowly. “Can I . . . come here again?”
As an answer, Subaru smiled, lifting his hand and running it gently through Kamui’s hair. Kamui stared down at him with anxious violet eyes, and Subaru felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach as he suddenly realized what Seishirou had figured out weeks before. He . . . is falling in love with me. Oh, this is not good.
Before he could think, Kamui stood, and let Sorata tow him out of the room.
Subaru closed his eye and lifted one hand to rub his forehead wearily. What the hell am I supposed to do about this? No wonder Seishirou’s been so tense lately, he probably figured it out already. He wasn’t particularly worried about it effecting his relationship with Seishirou, but he was loathe to hurt Kamui; Kamui had been hurt enough.
-- or is it that you wish you had never fallen in love with him to begin with? --
Not that his relationship with Seishirou wasn’t having other problems at the moment.
-- how well did you ever forgive him? -
Subaru lifted one hand and touched it to the bandages over his eye.
****
“You’re a free man, Sakurazuka-san,” the doctor joked, “under one condition.”
“Yes, what?” Seishirou asked impatiently.
“When visiting hours end tonight, you have to go home,” the doctor said firmly. “I don’t want you sleeping in Sumeragi-san’s hospital chair the way Kamui did. Got it?”
“Got it,” Seishirou said. The ache in his head had receded to the point where it was manageable; he could walk straight and see fine. He was somewhat uneasy to find that his heart flinched at the thought of seeing Subaru. And it flinched even more at the thought of Kamui sitting with him.
“Sign this and you’re all set, then,” the doctor said, handing Seishirou a paper. Seishirou scribbled his signature on the line, thanked the doctor, and walked to Subaru’s room. He stopped outside to gather himself, then walked in.
Subaru was awake, and he looked over when Seishirou came in, smiling. “Konban wa. I was wondering when you’d wake up.”
“My head has a strong aversion to brick walls,” Seishirou said lightly, walking over and appropriating Kamui’s chair. “Did Kamui go home?” The minute the words escaped his lips, he cursed himself for being insensitive. That was not the first question he should ask. The first question should have been ‘how are you feeling.’
Subaru either didn’t notice or didn’t care. “Yeah, I had Sorata take him. He was worn out. How’s the concussion?”
“Gone, or so I hope.” Seishirou reached out and took Subaru’s hands in his own. “How are you doing?”
Subaru managed another smile. “I’m okay. Hurts like hell.”
“And what’s the report, hm?”
Subaru grimaced. “Mostly just the cuts I got when that glass exploded all over me, plus a concussion of my own, the eye, and enough magical backlash to knock the entire Sumeragi clan for a loop.”
“What about the eye?” Seishirou asked.
“He missed,” Subaru said, and traced a line right under his eye. “Hit me here instead. It’s swelled shut, but once that goes down, I’ll be able to see again.”
“I know all that,” Seishirou said patiently. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
Subaru looked away.
“Subaru-kun . . .” Seishirou said softly, his voice no more than a breath. “Why did you let him do that to you?”
“I didn’t let him - ”
“Don’t try to fool me, Subaru-kun,” Seishirou interrupted. For a brief second, he sounded angry, then his voice lowered again. “Please. Don’t you trust me enough to tell me?”
Subaru flinched away from his words. “Everything’s going wrong lately,” he said wearily. “This is just the latest disaster.”
“Subaru-kun, you know that I never blamed you for losing my eye.” Seishirou wasn’t about to let Subaru change the subject. “You know that.”
“Yes, but . . .” Subaru’s voice trailed off.
“But what?” Seishirou asked, holding his hand tightly. “Subaru-kun, I don’t understand. Help me out here.”
Subaru smiled weakly. “Still don’t have the hang of emotions after nine years.”
“Don’t change the subject,” Seishirou said.
“Seishirou . . . I don’t . . . blame myself for the loss of your eye. And I know that you don’t either. But I still regret that it happened.”
“So you wanted to lose yours to put us on equal footing?” Seishirou’s voice was skeptical.
“No!” Subaru said. “That’s not it at all . . . he . . . he twists everything around somehow, and what he’s saying makes sense at the time, but if you sit down and look at it later you have to think . . . wait . . . that’s not right at all!”
“By ‘he’ I’m assuming you’re referring to Fuuma?”
Subaru nodded. “He said . . . things . . . that made me think I wanted to lose my eye, but I didn’t. And I still don’t, and Fuuma’s a bastard and that’s what it really comes down to.”
“Yes,” Seishirou said softly. “He said some ‘things’ to me, too.”
“You can’t believe him.” Subaru shook his head.
“I know,” Seishirou replied. “But sometimes . . . it’s hard.”
“Seishirou-san - ”
“Please don’t ask me,” Seishirou said, very quietly. “Not right now. I need . . . like you said . . . to sit down and look at it. I have to prove it wrong on my own.”
“I could help . . .”
“I’m not sure you can,” Seishirou replied.
“I could try,” Subaru whispered.
“Later,” Seishirou said. “When I’ve had a chance to think, and when we’re both feeling better.” He ran his fingers absently through Subaru’s hair. “What did he say to you?”
Subaru looked away.
“See, you won’t tell me either,” Seishirou said.
“Later,” Subaru said, echoing Seishirou’s words.
“Yeah.” Seishirou leaned down and gave Subaru a very gentle kiss. “Later.”
****
Seishirou returned home, later than he really should have, to a dark apartment except for the blinking light on the answering machine. He put some leftovers in the microwave, too worn out to cook, and pressed play.
“Konban wa, Seishirou,” Fuuma’s voice said cheerfully, and Seishirou pressed the stop button so violently that he jolted the answering machine off the wall. It fell to the floor with a clatter, coming unplugged, and he left it. He took his dinner out of the microwave, stirred it a few times, and then shoved it back in the fridge. Common sense dictated that he should eat, but he really wasn’t hungry. He poked around a little more and came out with some ice cream.
Well aware that he was acting like a lovesick teenager, Seishirou indulged in a large bowl of vanilla. He put some strawberries on top, which only made him miss Subaru more, but made him feel better in a strange way. It reassured him that, if nothing else, he still loved Subaru as much as ever.
He realized that this wasn’t something he should necessarily be reassured by.
The phone rang and he picked it up, vowing to hang up if it was any of the Angels. “Moshi moshi.”
“Hi, Seishirou.”
Seishirou wilted with relief. “Never thought I’d be glad to hear from you.”
“There’s a first time for everything,” Johnny replied.
“I thought you were one of the Angels,” Seishirou said, trusting that Subaru would have explained everything to the younger man.
“Not the last time I checked,” Johnny said dryly. “Not in any sense of the word. Put Subaru on the phone.”
“I can’t. He was injured in the Ikebukuro earthquake.”
“Elaborate.”
“There’s not much to elaborate,” Seishirou lied. “He was injured in the earthquake and he’s in the hospital.”
“What room, which hospital?”
“You know, Johnny, I could swear we’ve had this conversation before. Room 406, the hospital on CLAMP campus. But you can’t go see him, visiting hours ended a while ago.”
“So now would you mind telling me what you’re hiding? The earthquake was two days ago and nobody told me. This must be good.”
Seishirou sighed. “Since you ask, yes, I would mind telling you, but somehow I think that would end up with you attempting to kill me over the phone. He got in a fight with Fuuma.”
“I could say a few choice things, but I won’t. How is he?”
“He’s okay. And I would have called you, but I just got home from the hospital myself.”
“Oh,” Johnny said.
“Exactly. Oh.”
“Well, then, I’ll leave you to your own business. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
“Seeing as that leaves me a world of options, I think I can manage that much.”
“There you go, then. I’d wish you an interesting life, but I don’t want to curse Subaru.” There was a click as Johnny hung up. Seishirou just shook his head and sat back down to his ice cream. He knew he had to be at work at nine the next morning, so he ought to be getting to bed, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to sleep.
****
Subaru looked up the next afternoon as the door opened, half-expecting it to be Seishirou, even though he knew it was too early for the older man to be off work. Seishirou had spent the entirety of his lunch break in Subaru’s room before apologetically returning to his job. Subaru was glad for the company, even though he was feeling much better.
Johnny pushed the door open and walked in. The younger man’s eyes traveled around the room, taking in everything as he was accustomed to doing. His eyes lingered for a long moment on the bandages over Subaru’s eye.
“Sei-san said you were ‘okay’,” Johnny said. “Remind me to redefine ‘okay’ for him. How are you?”
“I was going to say I was okay,” Subaru said. “But somehow I don’t think that’s going to cut it.”
“Hardly.” Johnny sat in the chair next to the bed, clearly waiting for an explanation.
“I’m fine, really,” Subaru said. “Just a concussion and I got cut up when some glass exploded onto me.”
“And the eye?”
“Is fine. I got cut right beneath it and it’s swelled shut, that’s all. The doctor said he’d be able to take the bandages off tomorrow.”
“Okay. So what happened?”
“It’s a long, messy story.”
“I have time. And you have a tendency to bottle things up, so maybe you could give me the full story.”
“I went to save Kamui from Fuuma, who promptly beat me quite effectively because I was distracted because I couldn’t stop thinking he looked like Seishirou.”
Johnny raised an eyebrow. “He looks like Seishirou?”
“He doesn’t really, but he did then. Somehow. Oh, I don’t know, it was confusing. And he tried to stab me in the eye, but Seishirou showed up in time to stop him. The two of them beat on each other for a while, which I missed because I was unconscious, then they brought me here.”
“So the little puss bucket formerly known as Fuuma is playing mind games with you. What else did he say or do?”
“Nothing,” Subaru said immediately. “Nothing important.”
“You’re lying,” Johnny stated.
“You’re right,” Subaru replied.
“So spill.”
“I really don’t feel like discussing it.”
“Are you going to feel like discussing it in the near future? Say, the next three days?”
“Probably not.”
“Then you can tell me about it now. Don’t give me that look. I know you. Things get twisted funny in your head. You are the only person I know of, besides me, that messes themself up that much. So spill.”
“He’s trying to make me believe that I’m not in love with Seishirou.” Subaru paused. “No. That’s not quite it. He’s trying to make me wish I didn’t love Seishirou.”
“How? Do you wish you didn’t love Seishirou?”
“As you said. By twisting things funny in my head.”
“I’d like to twist his head. You didn’t answer my question.”
Subaru looked innocent. “Which question?”
“Do you wish you didn’t love Seishirou?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Then what was that puss bucket saying that got under your skin so much?”
“That Seishirou and I don’t . . . belong together.”
“And this bugs you? Do you think he’s right?”
“Of course he’s right!” Subaru exploded. “If he wasn’t right, it wouldn’t bother me!”
“There’s a saying in America that opposites attract. Kinda like magnets that way. But do you think that you don’t belong together? Or are you just listening to what everyone else is saying?”
Subaru paused for a long minute. “I . . . I don’t know. Sometimes it really feels like it. Why would we be having all this trouble if we really belong together?”
“Because, plain and simple, people suck.” Johnny paused before Subaru could reply. “What trouble are you having, other than the Angel-Seal thing?”
“My family . . .” Subaru’s voice trailed off into misery. “I can’t believe I didn’t tell you. My grandmother found out about Seishirou and disowned me.”
Johnny winced. “Ouch.”
“Yeah.” Subaru laced his hands in his lap and stared at them.
“New question.”
Subaru looked at him questioningly.
“Do you miss her and the others or do you think you miss her and the others?”
“I miss . . . belonging . . . to a family. And it bothers me that they won’t accept us.”
“Well, not that I'm guaranteeing that this will help, but maybe you should talk to them. Present your case. I can think of six very good points of ammunition to get them to see it your way.”
“And what six points would those be?”
“Starting from personal to earth-shaking,” Johnny said, raising his hand to count off. “He makes you happy. You are a more stable person because he supports you, thus making you a better clan head. As a result of your relationship, he no longer kills indiscriminately, nor takes innocents.” He paused. “Maybe you shouldn’t bring that up.” He shrugged and went on. “You’ve ended a multi-generational feud that kept killing Sumeragi clan heads. Hokuto approved, and that has to count for something. And because of this, the Angels are deprived of a very powerful ally. He hardly wants the world to end, and I bet your clan is all for continued existence. Oh, and the whole thing took Kakyou out of the puss buckets’ hands as well. I think this makes your relationship a good thing. Now let Granny eat that.”
Subaru smiled, then was quiet for a very long minute. “You know, I don’t think any of that will make a bit of difference to them.” Then he reached out and pulled Johnny into a hug. “But it certainly made me feel better.”
“There you go, then,” Johnny said. “Sometimes coping is just logic. My work here is done.”
“I think I was just looking at it the wrong way,” Subaru said with a sigh. “If I can’t get by without him, but I’m happy with him, there’s really no reason to wish that I could get by without him.”
“And as I pointed out, your relationship is good for humanity.” Johnny smirked. “It’s like having your cake and eating it too.” He paused. “Though I never really understood why you would have cake and not eat it.”
Subaru smiled. “Johnny, you really do have a gift for talking me out of my funks. There’s just . . . one more problem . . . which is that Fuuma said something to Seishirou, and I don’t know what, and he won’t tell me.”
“I’m going to take a random guess,” Johnny said.
“Okay.”
“Since Seishirou is, oddly enough, an insecure guy, I’m willing to lay dollars to donuts that Fuuma told him that you wished you didn’t love him.”
Subaru blinked. “Seishirou is not insecure. He’s one of the most secure people I know.”
Johnny laughed. “Right. That’s why he’s paranoid that you’ll walk off with Kamui.”
Subaru sighed. “That’s a whole different problem. That’s just his jealousy complex.”
“It’s an insecurity,” Johnny said. “He’s leery about losing you. What better way to throw him off than to make him think you might want to leave him?”
“But he knows that I love him,” Subaru insisted.
“And you knew you wanted to be with him, but look how you second-guessed yourself.”
Subaru paused. “I guess. But . . . if that’s true . . . how do I reassure him?”
“Explain to him why you’re sure you want to stay with him. Why Fuuma was lying.”
Subaru sighed. “He’s just awfully stubborn sometimes when he gets the wrong idea in his head.”
“Subaru, you are awfully stubborn.”
Subaru had the good grace to look embarrassed. “That’s one of the few things Seishirou and I have in common, I guess.”
“So use it to your advantage.”
“How, if he won’t even tell me what Fuuma said? He said he doesn’t want to talk about it.”
“Force him. I forced you.”
“Yeah, but you’re scary when you get mad.”
“I think you could be too. But you can force someone with persistence and kindness, too.”
Subaru hesitated, then burst out with, “But if he doesn’t even trust me enough to tell me, what does that mean?”
“It means he’s afraid Fuuma’s right. That is, if I’m right in guessing what Fuuma told him.”
Subaru drooped. “It’s just such a big mess. I wish me and Seishirou could just live peacefully without having to deal with any of this.”
“Yeah, well . . . I wish you could too.”
Subaru smiled wanly. “Thanks, Johnny.”
“Any time.” Johnny stood. “I’m gonna be late for class, so I have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” Subaru said, waving as Johnny left the room. He leaned back a little, wondering what time it was. If Johnny had dropped by on his way to afternoon classes, it should be around two or so . . . but from the position of the sun, it was later than that. He frowned and tried to figure it, but was interrupted by another knock. “Come in,” he called.
The door opened and Yuzuriha walked into the room. “Hello,” Subaru said, surprised.
Her normal cheerful grin was gone. She sat in the chair next to his bed. “I’m sorry . . . I couldn’t get to Ikebukuro, and I couldn’t do anything . . . I’m really sorry.”
“There’s no need to apologize to me,” Subaru said, surprised that the teenager had come all the way to his hospital room to do so.
“But if I don’t, I’ll go on feeling depressed,” Yuzuriha explained. “So please promise me . . . if anything happens again, please call me and Inuki.” She held her finger out for a pinky swear, which made a smile twitch at the corners of Subaru’s lips.
“I promise,” Subaru said, hooking fingers with her.
“Thank you,” Yuzuriha said, and her face regained its normal cheer. “I’m happy. Since I got here, lots of people have petted Inuki for me. That’s why I want to be friends with all the Seals . . . and Kusanagi-san, too.”
“Who?” Subaru asked blankly.
Yuzuriha looked down, then back up, as if committing herself to something. “C-Can I ask you something, Subaru-san?”
“Of course,” he replied. “And it’s just Subaru.”
“That man that you stay with . . . Seishirou-san . . . he’s an Angel, isn’t he?”
Subaru nodded.
“Do you love him very much?” Yuzuriha asked curiously.
“Very much,” Subaru said softly.
“So is that . . . okay?” Yuzuriha asked hesitantly. “That you love someone on the other side?”
Subaru considered this question carefully. “I’m not sure if it’s ‘okay’ or not. But I can’t help what I feel.” He smiled at her. “Seishirou is very special to me, so I don’t question. I’m glad I have him . . . and that’s all that matters.” His smile grew wistful. “It took me a while to realize that. We don’t belong together . . . but that’s okay, because he’s enough. He’s all I need. Even if the entire world disapproved . . . I would still love him.”
Yuzuriha was staring dreamily off into the distance. “That’s so sweet . . .”
Subaru smiled. “Why do you ask?”
“Oh, no reason!” Yuzuriha bounced to her feet. “Wow, it’s getting late. I’m sorry, you must be tired, and I’ve stayed here so long . . .”
“I didn’t mind at all,” Subaru assured her, still smiling. In a way, Yuzuriha reminded him of himself when he’d still been young and innocent.
“Jaa!” Yuzuriha said, waving cheerfully as she left the room.
Subaru sat back, waiting for Seishirou to arrive. All that was left to do was to talk some sense into him.
****
“Rijichou? Sakurazuka-san is here, and he’d like to know if he could see you.”
Nokoru surveyed the mounds of paperwork on his desk and gave Suoh his best pleading smile. The secretary, being used to this, waited patiently for Suoh’s response.
Suoh walked over and riffled through the paperwork. “This can wait.”
Nokoru’s smile widened. “Show him in, Kiana.”
The secretary nodded and left the office. Seishirou walked in a few seconds later, pulling off his sunglasses.
“Ohayo, Seishirou,” Nokoru said. “What can I do for you?”
“I have a favor to ask you, actually,” Seishirou said. “I remembered you talking about CLAMP’s security. I thought, given the recent events, that Subaru and I might like to move onto the campus. I know it’s rather odd, given that neither of us are students, but . . . the Angels have our phone number, and I’m sure they could get our address if they wanted to. Also, Subaru would be closer to Kamui and I would be closer to both of them if anything happened . . .”
“It makes perfect sense,” Nokoru said with a decisive nod. “If I recall correctly, there’s an empty apartment that’s only about a ten minute walk away from where Kamui and the others live. It has some furnishings, I think, but . . . Suoh, would you go show him for me?”
Suoh walked over and picked up a pile of papers. He dropped them in front of Nokoru, who sweatdropped. “Have these done by the time I’m back.”
Nokoru laughed. “Of course I will, Suoh . . .”
Suoh gave Nokoru a long, level gaze. “I don’t believe you for a moment, you know that, right?”
“Of course I do, Suoh . . .”
Suoh gave a much-put upon sigh. “Come on, Seishirou-san.”
****
Seishirou stopped short as he walked into Subaru’s room. The Sumeragi had drifted off to sleep after eating dinner, and his face was turned to one side, giving Seishirou a clear view of his now unbandaged eye and the cotton gauze over the wound beneath it. He was torn between wanting to talk to Subaru and letting the younger man rest. After a long pause, he settled into the chair and pulled out a book.
After an hour had passed and Subaru had seemed to only fall deeper asleep, he scribbled the Sumeragi a brief note and left. It was a good thing he did, as Subaru didn’t wake up until the next morning, and was quite miffed that he had missed Seishirou after waiting all afternoon.
Seishirou returned on his lunch break as the doctor was examining the wound underneath his eye. Seishirou flinched as he looked at it: a nasty, two inch long gash. Fortunately, the doctor put the gauze over it again before he left. “Does it hurt?” Seishirou asked, sitting down.
“Yes,” Subaru said. “But I’m sure it’ll stop eventually.” He knew he should talk to Seishirou, but he hardly wanted to bring up the subject when Seishirou would have to leave in less than an hour. “Can you get the afternoon the day after tomorrow off?”
“Probably, why?”
“I get out then. The doctor wanted me to ‘go straight home’ and said he’d call a taxi for me, but I’d far rather you picked me up.”
“Okay. I’ll let you know when I drop by tonight.” Seishirou smirked. “Try to be awake this time.”
Subaru blushed. “Jerk.”
“I know. You’re sure you’re all right to go home?”
Subaru nodded. “The doctor said I shouldn’t go back to working for a few days at least, though. I think he’s just being paranoid; I feel fine. I was out of bed earlier, walking around. I’m just a little stiff from the bedrest, that’s all. Most of the wounds were just glass cuts; none of them even required stitches except the one under my eye.”
“Okay. But be sure to let me know if you’re not okay.”
“I will.” Subaru smiled.
True to his word, Seishirou got the day after next off and came by around after lunch to see Subaru, fully dressed, walking around the ward. “You do look much better,” he said.
“I feel fine,” Subaru said firmly. “Let’s get going.”
“You don’t have to fill out any paperwork?”
“Did already. Bored. Let’s go.”
Seishirou laughed. They thanked the doctor and left the hospital. “Shouldn’t we go straight home?” Seishirou asked.
“Yeah, we should. Let’s go for a walk.”
Seishirou sighed, and let Subaru take his hand and pull him down the road. “Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise.”
Despite Subaru’s words, Seishirou wasn’t surprised when the ended up in Ueno Park. Subaru chose an unsuspicious looking tree and leaned against it, then sat down. “Come on. It’s such a nice day . . . and it’s been getting colder lately. Sit.”
Seishirou sat down next to him and put a proprietary arm around his waist. Subaru rested his head on Seishirou’s shoulder for a long minute, then turned to him with a serious face. “Seishirou-san . . . we need to talk.”
****