Part Two
Seishirou caught the phone just before the machine picked up. “Moshi moshi,” he said, somewhat out of breath.
“Konban wa,” Subaru said cheerfully. “Did you just get home?”
“Yes,” Seishirou answered, taking off his coat and hanging it up, bringing the phone with him. “Where are you?”
“I’m at Johnny’s still,” Subaru assured him, before the older man could ask if anything was wrong. “He has a big test tomorrow and he asked if I could help him study.” Subaru had pulled a few influential strings to get Johnny into CLAMP Campus. “So I won’t be home for dinner.”
“Okay,” Seishirou said.
“I should be in by eight or so,” Subaru said. “I’ll see you then.”
“Love you,” Seishirou said.
He could practically hear Subaru smile. “Love you too. Jaa.” Subaru hung up the phone.
Seishirou did likewise and looked around the empty apartment. It seemed so lonely without Subaru, he was hard put to believe he’d ever gotten by without the Sumeragi in the first place.
The phone rang again, before he could even take his hand off it. Expecting it to be Subaru again, he picked up. “Moshi moshi.”
There was a pause. Then, “Is this Sakurazuka-san?”
“Hai,” Seishirou said cautiously. “To whom am I speaking?”
“My name is Kigai Yuuto,” the other person said cheerfully. “Me and a few others have been looking for you.”
“I’m in the listings,” Seishirou said, voice dripping sarcasm.
“Yes, well . . .” Yuuto’s voice trailed off. “We just weren’t sure, that’s all.”
“Who are you?” Seishirou asked bluntly.
Yuuto laughed nervously. “One of the Seven Angels, of course. We’ve been wondering -- ”
Seishirou hung up.
He looked around the empty apartment and let out an explosive sigh. “Subaru-kun,” he muttered to himself, “this is not going to be easy.”
****
Subaru leaned against the fence and lit a cigarette. He’d been so tense lately, but he knew Johnny didn’t particularly like the smell of cigarette smoke, so he never smoked in Johnny’s room. Not that the younger man would complain if he did, but Subaru had always been considerate and wanted to keep it that way.
It was just past dusk. The air was warm but dry, with a slight breeze that smelled like sakura. Subaru closed his eyes and enjoyed the rare moment of peace. Not that he didn’t want to go home to Seishirou. He did. But everything was so complicated these days . . .
There was a rustling noise and he turned to see who was there. He found himself facing a teenaged boy, not very tall and achingly thin, nervously clutching his shirt between his hands. “Oh! I . . . I didn’t know anyone was here,” he stammered. “I’ll go.”
“It’s okay,” Subaru said quickly. “I don’t mind the company, and you look like you could use it.”
The boy bobbed his head nervously and walked over to the fence. He watched Subaru for a few seconds, tapping his cigarette absently against the fence. “Why do you do that?” he asked softly.
Subaru blinked. “Smoke?”
The boy nodded.
Subaru gave a little half-smile which the other person didn’t understand. “It calms my nerves.”
“It’s bad for you, you know,” the boy said seriously, as if Subaru might honestly not know.
“I know,” Subaru said. “But when I started, I didn’t really expect to live long enough to get killed by cancer, and even now I’m not so sure.” He turned and looked at his companion. He looks even more depressed than I was at his age, Subaru reflected absently. “What’s wrong?”
“Huh?”
“You just looked . . . sad,” Subaru said, understating the case. “I thought you might want to talk.”
He shrugged.
“It’s okay if you don’t,” Subaru said. “I never want to talk about my problems.”
The boy laughed a little, a thin, nervous sound.
“Do you go to school here?” Subaru asked, trying to change the subject.
“Yeah. Just started. I came to Tokyo when my mother died . . . then I met Nokoru-san when my aunt died.”
“Oh,” Subaru said. “I’m sorry.”
The boy shrugged, pushing dark strands of hair out of his face. “I’ll live.” He paused, then asked hesitantly. “Can I ask a strange question?”
“By all means,” Subaru said.
“Do you believe . . . in destiny?”
Subaru paused, lighting another cigarette and thinking. “I’m not sure exactly what you mean.”
“Do you believe that there are some things in which we have no choice?”
“Yes and no,” Subaru said. “When I was your age, I was presented with a matter of destiny; namely, that the person I loved and I were never allowed to be together. We’re flip sides to one coin, always touching, but never together. So because of that, I believe in destiny.”
“So why did you say ‘yes and no’?”
“Because my opposing star and I have been living together quite comfortably for nine years now.” Subaru smiled. “It was just a matter of coming together in the first place that gave us problems.”
“Oh,” the boy said, looking hopeful.
“Destiny does exist,” Subaru said. “I’m having trouble with it right now, believe me. But it can always be fought. Never let anyone tell you that you don’t have a choice. There’s always a choice.”
The boy nodded thoughtfully. “Thank you,” he said slowly.
“Why do you ask?” Subaru asked quietly.
The boy shook his head angrily, tugging at a few strands of his hair. “Some people are telling me I have to do something which I don’t want to do. They say it’s my destiny.”
“What do they want you to do?” Subaru asked curiously.
He laughed bitterly. “Hell if I know.”
Subaru opened his mouth to reply, then there was another rustling. “Hey, I’ve been looking for you,” a voice said, and a taller boy emerged from the bushes.
“It’s okay, I’ve just been talking to, eh,” the boy looked questioningly at Subaru.
“Sumeragi Subaru,” he supplied. “You can call me Subaru.”
“I’ve been talking to Subaru,” the boy said. “Really, Fuuma, it’s not like I’m going to get eaten by the trees.”
Depends on what park you’re in, Subaru reflected dryly.
“You’ve just been in a funk after what happened with your aunt and I was worried,” Fuuma said, reasonably enough. “Besides, Kotori’s awake and she was asking for you. And Sorata wanted to know where you’d gotten off to.”
Subaru stiffened.
“Sorata’s a mother hen,” the first boy muttered. “Okay, I’m coming.” He turned back to Subaru. “Thanks.”
“No problem,” Subaru said.
“Do you come here often?” the boy asked, hope in his huge lavender eyes.
“A few times a week. It’s on my way home from a friend’s. I’m usually here before dinner, though.”
“Maybe I’ll see you again, then.”
“Yeah,” Subaru said. “You probably will.”
“Come on, Kamui,” Fuuma said impatiently.
Kamui waved and allowed Fuuma to half-drag, half-lead him out of the clearing.
“Kamui . . .” Subaru said softly, stubbing out his cigarette. After a long moment staring at the sky, he turned and headed for home.
****
“You look like you have bad news,” Seishirou said. “Dinner’s in the fridge, by the way. I was feeling lazy so I just ordered out.”
Subaru nodded and went for the fridge. “You want to tell your bad news first or shall I?”
“So you can tell.” Seishirou gave him a lopsided smile.
“What’s wrong?” Subaru put the food in the microwave and went out to look at the older man.
“Got a call from the Angels today,” Seishirou said. “They’re wondering where I’ve been.”
“What’d you say?”
“Nothing. I hung up.”
“Good for you.” Subaru played with his shirt. “Guess who I met on my way home from Johnny’s?”
“Who?”
“Kamui.”
Seishirou blinked, then asked, “Which Kamui?”
“Not sure, since neither has awakened. The Kamui. The one who gets to make the choice.”
“Hm,” Seishirou said. “What happened?”
“We had a nice talk about how much fun fighting destiny was,” Subaru said. The microwave beeped and he went to get his dinner.
“So much for noninvolvement,” Seishirou called to him.
Subaru came back out and sat on the sofa next to Seishirou with a plate of food on his knees, giving the other man a dirty look. “Don’t be an ass. I didn’t even know who he was until the end of the conversation. He was a scared kid and I was trying to make him feel better.”
“Just kidding,” Seishirou said, raising his hands in surrender.
Subaru sighed. “I feel bad for him. And now I’ll have to avoid him.” He paused for a long second, poking at his food. “He reminds me of myself. I’m not sure what happened to him, but life definitely hasn’t been kind.”
“When is it?” Seishirou asked dryly.
“True. It’s just . . . I’m not sure if he can take being the Kamui. Not unless he has someone there to support him.”
“He has the other Seals,” Seishirou reminded him.
“I know, but they can never understand him like I can,” Subaru said softly.
Seishirou looked away.
“Don’t worry about it,” Subaru said quickly. “I’m just being stupid, that’s all.”
Seishirou smiled slightly. “You’re never stupid.”
“Just nostalgic,” Subaru said with a wistful smile. “I already miss the better days, and they were less than a month ago.” He put his food aside and curled up against Seishirou’s chest. Seishirou obligingly put his book down and wrapped his arms around the younger man.
“Are you okay?” he asked quietly.
“I’m frightened,” Subaru answered, voice no louder than a whisper.
Seishirou kissed the top of his head. “So am I.”
Subaru smiled. “You’ll never admit that to anyone else, will you.”
“Of course not.” Seishirou sounded offended at the mere suggestion. “You know I tell you everything I never tell anyone else.”
“Let me be Kamui’s friend.”
Seishirou blinked at this total non sequitir. “Subaru-kun,” he began uneasily, but Subaru cut him off.
“I won’t fight, I promise. I won’t get dragged into it. But Kamui needs a friend so badly, and the others will never understand him, not the way I will.”
“Subaru-kun,” Seishirou said, drawing away and turning Subaru’s chin so they were facing.
“I liked him,” Subaru whispered.
“You were drawn to him. He’s the Kamui. It’s natural.”
“No.” Subaru shook his head. “It’s more than that.”
“How much more?” Seishirou asked quietly.
Subaru leaned forward and kissed the older man’s forehead. “Not that much more.”
Seishirou just shook his head.
“Please?” Subaru whispered.
“It’s a bad idea,” Seishirou said.
“I know.”
“All right. Be careful, though. I’m doing this against my better judgment.”
Subaru smiled. “Ah, but you were acting against your better judgment when you let me move in here, and look how well that turned out.”
Seishirou couldn’t help but laugh a little. “I don’t think our luck can be that good twice.”
“No, probably not,” Subaru agreed with a sigh.
****
Subaru woke up screaming and could not stop.
Blood . . . oh God, so much blood . . . no . . .
“Subaru-kun!”
LEAVE ME ALONE!
Stinging pain in his cheek.
Please, don’t hurt me . . .
Subaru gasped for air, but could only make wheezing, choking noises. He sputtered helplessly, hands clenching down on fabric.
“It’s okay, Subaru-kun . . . take deep breaths . . .”
Subaru inhaled, shuddering. Awareness began to slowly seep into him. The fabric he was clutching was Seishirou’s shirt. He had fallen asleep on the couch after dinner, and had been victim to some sort of nightmare, and now he was sheltered in Seishirou’s arms and he COULDN’T BREATHE, damn it --
“Shhhh, you’re okay . . .”
Tears streamed down his cheeks and he tried desperately to stop them, but the search for air was imperative and overruled all other thought processes. He drew in another choking breath, then another, realizing that he was shaking like a leaf. His shivers gradually stopped as his breathing became easier. When he finally felt steady again, he slumped bonelessly against Seishirou’s chest and hugged the other man tightly, hiding his tears in Seishirou’s shirt.
“What was that?” Seishirou finally asked, after giving Subaru a long moment to collect himself.
“They’ve awakened,” was all Subaru said.
“I know, I felt it too,” Seishirou said. “There must be more to it than that.”
“I saw -- ” Subaru’s voice choked and he started to shiver again, worming his way even closer to Seishirou. “I saw what happened . . . Kamui . . .”
Seishirou was clueless, holding Subaru tightly and trying vainly to offer some comfort. “What happened?”
“The Dark Kamui . . . he killed her . . .” Subaru’s tears came faster.
“Who?”
“Kotori . . . that girl I told you about . . . that Kamui likes . . . he killed her . . .”
“Who is ‘he’?”
“Fuuma . . . the dark Kamui . . .” Subaru wondered if he would ever be able to manage full sentences again. “Oh God, so much blood . . .”
Seishirou’s arms tightened around him. “Shh.”
“My face . . . hurts . . .” Subaru’s voice trailed off in confusion.
“I slapped you. You weren’t breathing.”
“Oh . . .”
“Sorry.”
Subaru managed a wan smile. “Are you apologizing for trying to get me to start breathing?”
Seishirou blinked. “I suppose I am.”
Subaru’s breathing relaxed further and he curled in Seishirou’s arms. “He’s hurting . . . I can feel it.”
“Kamui?”
“Yes.” Subaru closed his eyes. “I have to go to him.”
“Subaru-kun -- ”
“Please.”
Seishirou knew better than to argue. “As long as you’re feeling better.”
Subaru stood up and wobbled. “Maybe you should come too.”
Seishirou raised an eyebrow. “I doubt I’d be well-received.”
“They won’t touch you if I tell them not to.”
Seishirou nodded. “Okay. Let me get your coat.”
Subaru let Seishirou help him into his coat and shoes, then down the hallway to call a taxi.
****
“I’m glad you’re here,” Sorata said. He had met Subaru in passing once, during Subaru’s second meeting with Kamui. He glanced at Seishirou. “Don’t believe I know you . . .”
“This is Seishirou. Seishirou, this is Sorata.” Subaru wasted no more time on introductions. “How’s Kamui?”
Sorata raised his hands in surrender. “Come on in and I’ll show you.”
Kamui was curled on his bed, swathed in bandages and blankets. His huge lavender eyes were open, but dull. Sorata waved a hand in front of his face. “Kamui? Kamui, Subaru came to see you. Kamui?”
Subaru’s eyes travelled over the room, over the young girl crying against someone’s chest, and the sullen-looking teenager in the corner. He hadn’t met any of them. Arashi was leaning against the wall. “Do you know what happened?” she asked Subaru.
He nodded.
“A girl who was really important to him . . . was killed by a guy who was equally important,” Sorata said slowly, and Subaru flinched away. Seishirou twitched, then his face regained his normal calm.
“It’s possible that he’ll never regain consciousness,” Sorata said, then shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know.”
“If he doesn’t regain consciousness, what will happen?” the young girl asked frantically.
“He’ll stay like that,” Sorata answered flatly. “He won’t see anything. Or hear. He’ll just stay clammed up in his heart like that . . . forever.”
Subaru, please come out . . . please don’t hide away like this . . .
“I remember . . .” Subaru murmured.
“What?” Sorata looked at him.
“I remember when I did the same.” Subaru’s green eyes were hopelessly confused. “And Hokuto died . . . because I wouldn’t come out to save her.”
“Subaru-kun, no,” Seishirou said, very softly. “You know that’s not true.”
“It is, though,” Subaru said flatly. He took a few steps forward and sat on the edge of the bed, next to Kamui.
“What’re you doing?” Sorata asked.
“Going Within Kamui,” Subaru answered, as if this should have been obvious.
“Diving into his heart?” Arashi asked incredulously, as Subaru placed one hand on either side of Kamui’s face. “To enter a muddy consciousness . . . it’s too dangerous!”
Subaru was already chanting.
“He’ll be okay,” Seishirou said to the others with a rather crooked smile. “He’s done this before.”
****
-- you seem to have made a decision --
Subaru closed his eyes and dove deeper. ,Please, don’t make me see it all again, please . . .
-- you chose your future as a dragon of heaven --
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. One Kamui chooses to save the world, by necessity one chooses to destroy it.
--- it is my destiny to be a dragon of earth --
Sometimes there is no way to fight destiny.
Sometimes there’s no point in even trying.
-- KOTORI --
Subaru was drowning in blood and pain.
-- I --
And wind and silence.
-- no --
And despair.
-- will --
And denial.
-- NO --
And destiny.
-- kill you --
Subaru fought his way through the blood and managed to get to Kamui’s side, screaming his name so loudly that the silence deafened him, screaming into a vacuum where all noise was swallowed by the echoes of the past.
Finally he managed his way through and grabbed Kamui’s wrists, noticing with shock that Kamui couldn’t have been more than ten years old.
“ . . . who?”
Subaru flinched. Kamui didn’t even recognize him. “Sumeragi Subaru. Remember?”
“Don’t know . . .” Kamui said faintly, sinking to his knees.
-- don’t kill Kotori and Fuuma --
“Kamui!” Subaru shook him roughly.
-- please --
“LISTEN! KAMUI!! If you don't leave this dream, nothing will begin and nothing will end. Things will only get worse.” He paused, giving that a moment to sink in. “You can hear my voice, right?”
Kamui could only nod.
“You’re at the bottom of your heart.”
“The bottom of my heart?” Kamui repeated his words slowly and soundlessly.
“Something heart-breaking happened,” Subaru explained. “You chose not to stay in the real world to consider and choose your next path.”
Kamui looked downward.
“You . . . ran away from reality,” Subaru said softly.
There was a breeze, and Kamui and Subaru were presented with the image of Hokuto by the tree. Subaru flinched and looked away. Oh God, I don’t want to see this again . . . He forced down panic for Kamui’s sake.
“Who?” the boy asked.
“My neesan,” Subaru replied. “And the Sakurazukamori.”
“Who?” Kamui repeated.
“Seishirou Sakurazuka, who uses onmyoujutsu to kill -- Sakurazukamori. I love him. I didn't realize it at first . . . He treated me gently for one year . . . he lost his right eye protecting me . . . I finally realized when I cried for his loss . . . I realized that he was the only one I didn’t want to be hated by . . . that he alone was special.”
“What happened?” Kamui looked up at him innocently, a child caught up in a story.
“I found out that he had no emotions . . . that he had been lying the entire time. He said people were the same as objects, and it didn’t matter who he hurt . . . he didn’t care.”
“But -- ” Kamui started, and cried out in horror as Seishirou shoved his hand through Hokuto’s chest. He started to run forward.
Subaru grabbed his wrist, looking steadfastly at the ground. “Since this is my memory, you can’t get there in time.”
“Your neesan . . .” Kamui began.
“When neesan got killed,” Subaru said slowly, “I couldn’t do anything. I was hiding in my own heart. I had run away from reality. Like what you are doing now. It might be good for you to stay here, if that gives you the greatest happiness. But . . . if you don't come back out, nothing will begin, and nothing will end. You won't be able to do anything when it's really important. You will only be a spectator . . . like how I was. Kamui.”
Kamui stared up at him.
“I also had a precious person killed by another precious person,” Subaru said. “But my wound and yours aren’t the same. Because . . . after I was able to forgive . . .”
Kamui looked at him curiously. “He’s the one you were telling me about. The person you love, but weren’t allowed to be with.”
Subaru nodded. “And it took me a long time to accept that. But I did. And now Seishirou and I can be happy together. And that was my Wish.”
“Because he was special?” Kamui asked.
Subaru nodded again. “That’s right. Therefore you have to choose too. To continue to live inside your memories and blame yourself. Or to come out, for the sake of your Wish.”
Kamui looked down, tears leaking out of his lavender eyes. “I . . . want to bring Fuuma back. Because . . . I couldn’t protect Kotori . . . I want to protect Fuuma more than ever. I don’t want to lose Fuuma too.”
“If he returns to that personality,” Subaru said slowly, “will you tell him you killed Kotori?”
Kamui nodded slowly.
“Even if people will say you are selfish?”
“Yeah.”
“Even if there are people who will blame you?”
“Yeah.”
“Even if no one understands your Wish?”
“Yeah.”
“Then . . .” Subaru reached out and drew Kamui into his arms. “For the sake of that Wish . . .”
-- come back --
“Come back.”
Come back, Subaru-chan, don’t hide inside yourself like this . . .
--- come back --
****
“Su . . . ba . . . ru . . .”
Subaru opened his eyes, green meeting lavender. He managed a smile before he slumped forward.
“Subaru!” several voices clamored. Kamui just closed his eyes and draped his arms around the Sumeragi’s shoulders, holding him tightly.
“Miss, call a doctor,” Sorata said.
“It’s okay.” Seishirou pushed his way through the crowd and sat down on the edge of the bed next to Subaru and Kamui. “He’ll be all right, just needs some rest. You could call us a cab, though.” He ran his fingers lightly through Subaru’s hair.
Kamui looked up at him. “I saw you . . . in his mind . . .” He smiled wanly at the older man. “You’re very lucky.”
Seishirou half-smiled. “I know.”
Sorata was looking between the three of them with a confused expression. Then he said hurriedly, “You two could stay here tonight if you want. We have spare bedrooms.”
“Thanks,” Seishirou said politely. “But I’d really rather just get him home.”
“Well, okay,” Sorata said.
“I’ll go find a taxi,” Seiichirou offered, leaving the room.
Seishirou leaned in over Subaru. “Subaru-kun, you still awake?”
“Nnn,” Subaru replied.
“That’s what I thought,” Seishirou said. He carefully lifted the Sumeragi in his arms.
“You’ll take him straight home?” Sorata asked, sounding worried.
“Where else would I take him? We live together,” Seishirou replied.
“Oh.” Sorata turned faintly pink. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Seishirou said. “It’s hardly something most people assume.” He looked around the room. “I’ll probably be seeing most of you again.”
Seiichirou came in. “The cab’s waiting.”
“Thanks,” Seishirou said. He looked at Kamui. “I hope you feel better. It would distress my Subaru-kun terribly if you didn’t.”
Kamui laughed shakily.
“Good night everyone.” Seishirou turned and left the room.
****