“I’ve Never”
Or: The Price of Experience
By Kouri and Yume Arashi
“Please don’t tell me these people are doing another stupid round of Truth or Dare . . .” Tomo moaned.
Tasuki scanned the room. “Nah, too much booze for that.”
“And too few of us no da,” Chichiri observed. “Usually they drag in Mitsukake and Chiriko for that.”
“I don’t want to think about what that might mean, that those two got left out,” Hotohori shuddered.
(Be afraid. Be very afraid. ~Y)
(Yeah, we kinda beat Truth or Dare to death, so we had this better idea! ~K)
They looked nervously at the ceiling. “Better?” Amiboshi asked skeptically.
(Yeah, see, the worst thing we can do in Truth or Dare is get you to strip. In this, we can get you drunk and then you’ll strip voluntarily! ~Y)
(Ummm . . . right. Anyway. Ever heard of “I’ve Never”? ~K)
(::smirks:: ~Y)
“Thankfully, no,” Hotohori said.
“Nope,” Tamahome said.
“Not me either,” Nuriko offered.
“No,” the twins said in unison.
“Huh?” Miaka asked, looking blank.
Nakago looked regally disdainful.
“We didn’t study that in school . . .” Yui chimed in.
“No na no da.”
“No, but I don’t like the sound of it,” Tomo said.
“Ah, fuck,” Tasuki muttered.
(Ah, Tasuki-chan! ~K)
(We knew you’d be familiar with this game. Why don’t you explain the rules to the rest of them so we don’t have to? ~Y)
Tasuki sighed as all eyes turned to him. “It’s a drinking game,” he explained. “Ya go around in a circle and someone says, ‘I’ve never . . . done something or other.’ And if you have done what they’re saying, then you have to take a drink.”
“So in other words, Tasuki, you’ll be drunk in ten seconds flat,” Tamahome said.
“Shut the hell up, Obake-chan. Here’s an example. I could say, for instance, ‘I’ve never made an idiot out of myself over Miaka.’ And Tama here would have to drink ‘cause he’s famous for that. The point is to nail as many people as you can in one shot, but later if Chichiri’s only had one drink, we can start specifically ganging up on him.”
Chichiri looked very nervous. “Da?”
“I get it,” various voices said.
Tasuki took a few of the bottles down from the shelves and started pouring shots. “This is a nice liquor collection. I wonder where we are?”
(Umm . . . we raided our brother’s booze cabinet. ~Y)
“Oh.” Tasuki put the drinks down on the huge table. “That would explain it. Who wants to go first?”
“Me me me!!”
“Nuriko, you always say that,” Tamahome moaned.
“There’s a reason for that . . .” Nuriko grinned evilly. “I’ve never . . . kissed a girl!”
“Oh man!” There was a mass moan as every single seishi in the room except for Tomo reached for a drink. Tomo smirked and looked superior. Miaka was still confused. Yui looked relieved.
“Who’s next?” Tasuki asked, refilling the glasses. “Maybe we should just go around the table. That’d be you, Obake-chan.”
“Quit calling me that!” Tamahome scowled and tried to think of something that would definitely nail Tasuki that the other man wouldn’t want to admit. “I’ve never slept with a professional hooker.”
Tasuki shrugged and took a drink. Tamahome scowled back, then looked to see who else was reaching for the glasses. Nakago downed his glass with an air of cold indifference. Tasuki smirked. “You’re doin’ it wrong, Obake-chan. You’re supposed to try to get a lot of people.”
“Oh, shut up,” Tamahome said. “Your turn, Chichiri.”
Chichiri wondered how many people he was going to nail. “I’ve never had sex with anyone.”
All eyes turned to Tamahome and Miaka. The latter still looked clueless. Tamahome was turning a brilliant shade of stop sign.
“HAA HAA!!” Tasuki pointed and laughed. “What’s wrong, Obake-chan?!”
Tamahome glared fiercely and muttered, “Miaka wants to wait . . .”
“Wait? For what?!” Tasuki asked, casually downing his own glass.
“For the return of Genbu for all I know,” Tamahome snapped. He glowered around the room as Nakago and Tomo took their drinks.
“You’re a little snappish, Tama-chan,” Nuriko said. “Why might that be?”
“I hate you all,” Tamahome snarled.
“Hai, hai . . . who’s next?”
Hotohori quelled his chuckling and said, “Yui-san.”
Yui frowned, looking as if she was tackling a difficult math problem or English translation. “I’ve never shared a bed with a guy.”
Everyone exchanged looks.
The twins were the first to pick up their drinks. “We’re twins,” Amiboshi said, as if that explained everything.
“Twins who lived in a shack with only enough room for one bed,” Suboshi clarified. “Stop looking at us like that. That’s disgusting.”
(Yeah, really. That’s too hentai even for us. ~K)
(Really kinda yeah. Twincest is out of our league, which is pretty bad when you consider that I’m the hentai queen. ~Y)
Tasuki took his. “No looks here, either, bandit beds are scarce. We covered this in the last game of truth or dare.”
So everyone turned their funny looks to Nuriko, who calmly gulped down his drink and said, “You guys are forgetting that I have a brother, too, you know. And not a terribly brave one. First signs of a thunderstorm he’d be under my blankets.”
“Ditto here.” Tamahome reached for a drink.
Tomo and Nakago downed their drinks with identical ‘I-dare-you-to-ask’ looks. Nobody dared.
Yui looked to see who was next to her. “Tomo?”
Tomo smirked. “I’ve never been attracted to a woman.”
“Never?!” Tamahome gaped. “Not even once?”
Tomo gave Tamahome the Look of Duh.
“You’re stealing my idea,” Nuriko griped, reaching for a drink.
“Live with it,” Tomo asked, and made a pouting face as Nakago stoically reached for another shot glass.
Tamahome and Tasuki both reached for yet another drink. So did the twins, Chichiri, and Hotohori.
“Just do me a favor, Nuriko?” Hotohori asked. “Don’t tell me why you’re taking a drink.”
“The question wasn’t about lust, it was about attraction,” Nuriko objected. “I can recognize beauty in all its forms.”
“Yeah, and I can recognize bullshit in all its forms,” Tasuki snickered, his speech beginning to slur a little. “And that was definitely a load of it.”
“Shuddup,” Nuriko muttered. “Suboshi?”
Suboshi had downed three drinks and was feeling distinctly unoriginal. “I’ve, uh, never been attracted to a guy.”
“Aw, man . . .” Nuriko reached for a third drink.
“Sucks to be bi,” Tasuki remarked sympathetically, taking a drink of his own.
Tamahome looked at Tasuki. “I have to agree with Hotohori in that I don’t want to know.”
Tomo and both the mikos downed their own glasses. Nobody noticed Hotohori sneaking a drink of his own, which was just as well.
Suboshi looked blearily at his brother. “Aniki . . . ‘s’your turn.”
Amiboshi blinked and then grinned at his brother, who kept going out of focus for some reason. “’ve never started a street brawl . . .”
“Aniki . . . that wasn’t very nice . . .” It took Suboshi a couple of tries to get the glass to his mouth and not his cheek.
Nuriko snickered and reached for one of his own, as did Tasuki. Tamahome fumbled around on the table, knocked a couple of other glasses over, and managed to get one safely to his mouth.
Amiboshi looked to his right. “Nakago-sama . . .”
Nakago looked around stonily. “I might as well say this while I still can. I’ve never gotten drunk.”
There was muffled laughter from around the room, as well as a couple dubious looks. But no one really wanted to argue with the Shogun, so Tamahome, Tasuki, Nuriko, and Tomo all took a drink. Amiboshi elbowed his brother. “Shun-chan, wake up an’ take a drink.”
“Huh?” Suboshi muttered.
“You have to drink his share since he passed out!” Tasuki declared.
“I do not,” Amiboshi protested, coming close to whining.
“Now, now, who knows the rules and who doesn’t?” Tasuki asked, eyebrows raised.
Amiboshi pouted and downed the drink before he could think better of the idea. then -- very carefully -- put the glass back down. Chichiri had started refilling them, as he was the only one still sober.
“Who’s turn ‘s’it?” Nuriko mumbled.
“Mine,” Hotohori said. “I think Chichiri needs a drink. I’ve never been engaged.”
Chichiri reached out and calmly took his second drink. “Da . . . this game is boring.”
Tasuki threw a shot glass at him.
“Daa . . .”
Miaka, still seeming fairly sober and considering poking around in the kitchen to look for food, said, “I’ve never stolen anything . . .”
“Too tame,” Tasuki slurred, reaching for a glass.
Tamahome leaned over for a glass and fell out of his chair. Nuriko took a drink and upended it over his head. “Drink for Tama-chan!!” he said cheerfully, ignoring the glare the now-sopping seishi was giving him. “Who else?”
By all rights the twins deserved a drink, but Suboshi was asleep and Amiboshi decided he didn’t need another drink -- or two, when one considered that he’d have to drink his brother’s as well. Therefore he kept his silence.
“Tas’ki, s’your turn,” Hotohori informed the red-haired seishi.
Tasuki looked around for inspiration. “I’ve never had, uh, impure thoughts about . . .” He glanced around the room and snickered. “Nakago!”
Nakago blinked, then shook his head.
Tomo surreptitiously grabbed a drink, or at least as surreptitiously as he still could, which wasn’t very.
(Think Dominoes. ~K)
Yui calmly took a drink. Miaka’s hand went for one, then withdrew, then she quickly grabbed one and downed it.
“Miaka?!” Tamahome asked.
“He’s cute,” Miaka said defensively. “And I didn’t know he was a big evil bad guy when I first met him . . .”
Tamahome wailed. Everyone else laughed, except Nakago.
“My turn!” Nuriko declared cheerfully.
“Oi . . . game’s over when the room won’t stop moving,” Amiboshi protested.
“Amateurs,” Nuriko waved him off. He tried to think, a task that had gotten somewhat difficult. “I’ve never wanted to screw Miaka!”
“Nuriko,” Miaka protested.
“Oh come, don’t tell me you don’t wanna know the answer,” Nuriko said with a cheerful wink.
“Good point,” Miaka said. She looked around. Tamahome, predictably, took a drink, and managed to get it to his mouth this time. Tasuki was reaching for one as well. Hotohori fumbled for one and almost gracefully managed to get it down in one swallow. Amiboshi turned beet red and reached for one. Miaka continued to scan the room, smirking, when . . .
“YUI-CHAAAAAN?!?!”
A furiously blushing Seiryuu no Miko looked up from the glass she’d been drinking. “What?”
“Bu -- you -- uh -- eh -- ” Miaka sputtered.
The remaining conscious seishi were busily laughing their asses off.
(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~K)
(We are *so* hentai . . . ~Y)
“Call it experimentation,” Yui said, sounding flustered. “Haven’t you ever been curious?”
Miaka blinked. “No?”
Yui glared and took another drink without needing to. “Well, stop looking at me like that.”
“Okay, Yui-chan . . .” Miaka shrank back against Tamahome.
Tasuki looked around. “I say one last . . .” He hiccuped. “’fore we all pass out . . .”
Chichiri looked around. “Too late no da.”
“Hotohori-sama, you’re too sober . . . I’ve never . . . wanted to sleep with Nuriko!”
“You haven’t?” Nuriko asked, giggling and looking wounded.
“Ah, shut up.”
Nuriko was about to continue ragging on him when he saw something that shut his mouth quite firmly: a brightly blushing emperor downing a shot. “H-H-H-H . . .”
Hotohori stood up with dignity. “I think the game is now over.” Then he fell down.
Nuriko stood up and nearly tripped over him, then hauled Hotohori to his feet. “You’re righ’,” he hiccuped. “Le’s go to bed . . .” He then pulled the Emperor out of the room.
(There’s bedrooms conveniently on the same floor ^_~ all part of the service we offer . . . ~K)
Chichiri looked around. Tamahome had passed out, as had Suboshi. Amiboshi was so close that you couldn’t tell the difference. Miaka and Yui had done all right in the game, but Yui’s revelation Jerry-Springer-style had caused both of them to take several more drinks. They were hardly sober. Tasuki was studiously finishing what he’d poured. “No use wastin’ good booze,” he mumbled when Chichiri gave him a Look. Tomo had sprawled onto Nakago, who didn’t seem to notice or care.
(You’re the designated driver, Chichiri. Get them into bed. There’s six bedrooms and you get one all to yourself. ~K)
(It’s your prize for winning. You get to pair them up. But, uh, Nuriko and Hotohori have already claimed one. ~Y)
An evil grin showed through Chichiri’s mask.
(I didn’t know the mask could do that . . . ~Y)
Twenty minutes, everyone was safely in bed with someone else. Chichiri sat down in his own bedroom and looked at the ceiling. “We should play again tomorrow na no da.”
(Why? You had that much fun? ~K)
Chichiri grinned. “I bet a lot of their answers will have changed no da.”
(Good point. ~K)
“Do you have any earplugs no da?”
(There’s some in the drawer of the bedside table. ~Y)
“Arigatou no da.”
^_^_^_^_^_^
The next morning...
Suboshi’s first thought upon waking up was that his brain had exploded. Then he remembered what had happened the night before. Cursing fanfiction, fanfic writers in general, the Arashi sisters in particular, their stupid brother, his stupid booze, himself, and anything else that came within easy reach, Suboshi cracked his eyes open.
His curses abruptly stopped.
(Wow, that was a 180. ~Y)
“I love you,” Suboshi said, but whether he was talking to the authors or his bedmate was unclear.
(I love you too, Shun-chan... ::drools:: ~K)
(Thwap! ~Y)
(Itai . . . ~K)
At that point, Yui’s eyes opened. She blinked a few times until Suboshi came into focus. “Suboshi . . .?”
“Hai!” Suboshi proclaimed cheerfully.
Yui blinked again. I drank more last night than I thought . . . “Nah.”
She passed out again.
Suboshi paused. This was unexpected.
(Give her some time, Shun-chan. She’ll come around. ~Y)
(Literally as well as figuratively. ~K)
Suboshi grinned. “’KAY!” Then he flopped down and went back to sleep.
^_^_^_^_^_^
Miaka blinked awake. Then she continued blinking and wondered who exactly she was in bed with. She cautiously twitched the covers downward a little to see what he was wearing. Ohhh good, it’s the nice one. Then the realization struck home and she squeaked. “WAAAH!!!”
“Huh?” Amiboshi half-sat up. “Miaka, what’re you doin’ here . . .?” he asked sleepily.
“I don’t know!!” Miaka whimpered.
“Oh . . . all right. More authors playing tricks.” Amiboshi went back to sleep.
Miaka looked at the ceiling.
She looked at the door.
She looked at Amiboshi.
Then she began to shake him. “Wake up,” she commanded. “If I’m going to wake up in bed with a guy, I’m going to have something to show for it.”
^_^_^_^_^_^
Nakago was displeased.
His head ached. He was twisted in an extremely odd position and he didn’t want to even contemplate why he was twisted in it. The room was far too bright for his hangover-weakened eyes, but he looked around anyway. There was dark hair draped all over him. He brushed it out of his face.
Wait . . . my hair’s blonde . . .
He untangled himself and sat up, looking around blearily.
The figure next to him opened his eyes. “Ohayo, Nakago-sama . . .”
“Uhm . . .” For once, the Shogun found himself at a loss for words.
Tomo frowned. “Wait, why are you in my bedroom?”
“I don’t think this is either of our bedrooms.”
“Oh, yeah, the drinking thing.” Tomo yawned and stretched. Nakago stared at him. “Wow, was that a bad idea . . . ne, Nakago-sama?”
“Uhh . . . right. A really bad idea.” Nakago paused. “I think.”
“You think?” Tomo asked curiously.
“I’m going back to sleep.”
Tomo snickered. “Sure you are, Nakago-sama.”
^_^_^_^_^_^
Hotohori and Nuriko, well, they deserve their privacy.
And we don’t really want to know.
And neither do you.
^_^_^_^_^_^
“Get offa me . . .” Tasuki shoved at the prone figure that had been dumped on top of him. “Move it . . . you’re crushing me . . .” Memory began to return and Tasuki wondered just who he was in bed with.
“Shuddup, Miaka,” a familiar voice mumbled.
Tasuki began to laugh.
^_^_^_^_^_^
Chichiri had black coffee ready when everyone began stumbling out of bed, a little past noon. He offered mugs to all and sundry, wondering if anyone realized he was responsible for the pairings, and hoping the answer was no.
“You’re too fuckin’ sensible,” Tasuki told him, holding ice to his eye, which had been blackened upon Tamahome’s awakening.
“I know no da.” Chichiri grinned.
Tasuki snarled. “And you’re way too fuckin’ cheerful.” He glared around. “So is everyone, for that matter! Sheesh, you’d think everybody got laid but me.”
A starry-eyed Nuriko just gave him a smile.
Tasuki examined his last statement. “Oi . . . remind me to keep my mouth shut next time.”
“Did you say something, Tasuki?” Miaka asked vaguely, from where she was staring across the table.
“OI!” Tasuki wanted to hide under the table.
“Aniki, why are you so cheerful?” Suboshi asked.
“What?” Amiboshi came down off of cloud 9 long enough to ask. Then he blinked. “I could ask the same question of you, Shun . . .”
“No . . . I was in a bedroom with Yui. It makes perfect sense. You were . . . oh, Seiryuu . . . for once I think I’ll just shut up.”
Hotohori glanced over. “Naa, Tasuki, that explains why Tamahome was in such a bad mood . . .”
Nuriko smirked. “So much for waiting, ne, Miaka?”
Tasuki moaned and stared intently into his coffee.
Tomo and Nakago were the last to emerge from their room, looking utterly dignified except for the large grins on their faces.
“I’m leaving,” Tasuki announced, and fled the room to find where the authors had stashed the liquor collection.
Chichiri watched him go. Tamahome was upstairs sulking in the bathroom. Well, most of his pairings had worked out. You couldn’t expect him to be perfect . . .
“We should do this again sometime,” Nuriko suggested.
“Good idea,” the twins nodded.
“I’m inclined to agree,” Nakago said calmly.
Tomo nodded whole-heartedly.
“Yeah . . .” Miaka said, actually ignoring the plate of food Chichiri had given her.
“I think so too,” Yui said.
“I do as well,” Hotohori said.
“Only next time,” Nuriko said with a smirk, “let’s just skip the game.”
The End.
Hell yes.