Part Four
Suboshi
That night . . .
I lie awake and stare at the ceiling. It's the first of what I know will be many sleepless nights. I've stopped wondering what they did to Aniki; it doesn't really seem to matter anymore. No matter what happened, he's gone.
Gone.
And somehow I will have to face that.
Lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling doesn't really help things, but it's all I can do. I don't want to be around anyone. Even those who are sympathetic, like Yui-sama, just make things worse. Yes, she is sympathetic, and yes, she did comfort me, but she isn't my Aniki. And the thought that I will either live in loneliness for the rest of my life . . . or find someone else to replace him . . . makes me want to break down and cry. But I won't give in to that. I've cried enough already.
I close my eyes and images rush at me, memories. I'm young again, young and happy. Poor and hungry and dying by inches, but happy. Koutoku was right the whole time. Becoming a seishi was stupid. We would have died of starvation, but at least we would have been together. By becoming seishi, we let ourselves be separated. No matter how much we tried, and how many times we promised to always be together, it happened.
I'm young again.
Aniki holds me after a nightmare and strokes my hair, trying to calm me. Tears run down my cheeks as I think of my parents and everything that happened to them. I look up at him and think about how it would kill me if I lost him too.
He will never hold me again.
Aniki laughs as I try to use the Ryuuseisui, getting them tangled around my ankle and falling down. "What did you want those things for?" he asks. Then he laughs harder as I let him try, and he can't even get them spinning in the first place.
He will never laugh again.
Aniki tells me he's not hungry, even though I know he must be, and gives me his share of food for the night. Then he pretends not to notice the next night, when I make dinner and give him twice as much as me.
He will never be hungry again.
Aniki plays the flute for me, helping me calm down after a long day of work. Then he winces as I try to imitate him. Patiently, he shows me how to hold it and where to move my fingers until I can play almost as well as him. Of course, I can't use it the same way, but I can play tunes without scaring off other people. He makes me a flute out of a branch and we play duets in the town square. People throw us coins. Aniki smiles as he counts the money and tells me we make much more now that I'm playing, too.
He will never play the flute again.
I'll never see his smile again.
He's been gone two days, and I feel like it's been two centuries. I miss him already. All the emotions run together in my mind, and I can't tell if I'm angry or tired or hurt or sad. I can't think clearly anymore. Not that I ever could before. Aniki was always the one who made decisions. I was always content to let him tell me what to do.
Until I found out we were seishi. And then I somehow talked him into finding Nakago and telling him about the symbols. If I hadn't said that . . . if I had just kept my mouth shut . . .
Aniki would still be alive.
God, this is all my fault . . .
I open my eyes and see Aniki sitting on the bed beside me.
I know I'm tired, and that I haven't slept enough, and that I'm hallucinating . . . but he seems so real . . . I reach out my hand and it goes right through him.
"You can't touch me," he says, smiling. "I'm dead, remember?"
I shake my head violently.
"Hey, I said I'd always be with you, remember? I wouldn't leave you. I'll always be here . . . "
"But you're dead," I say desperately. "How can you be with me?"
He shrugs. "I'm here now, aren't I?"
"But . . . I thought I was hallucinating . . . "
"Well, maybe you are. Maybe you aren't. I don't know. But you need to get some sleep . . . maybe then you'll stop hallucinating."
"I don't want you to go," I said, grabbing at his shirt. Naturally, I can't grab his shirt, because my hand goes through it.
"You'll be all right," he says.
I start to tell him he's wrong, that I'll never be all right, but he's fading. "Don't go," I say. "Please, Aniki, don't go . . . "
But he's gone.
I bury my head into my pillow. "Please, Aniki, please don't go . . . "
I wake up with a jerk. The sun is just dawning outside.
A dream . . . all a dream . . .
I take a deep breath and decide I should get up. At least I managed to sleep. Then maybe I can see Nakago and find out what we're going to do now.
But I lie in bed a little longer, holding onto the dream as long as possible. I want to go back to sleep so I can see him again. Just a dream.
But I'm clutching the bed sheets, as if they're his shirt, and my pillow is damp, as if I've cried in my sleep.
~~~
Kaika
Father came in today and gave me this, saying that it might help if I wrote things down as I remembered them. So I'll begin by saying my name is Kaika, at least according to those who call themselves my parents. I'm not sure if they're really my parents, or if my name is really Kaika, but for now I'll accept it because I don't remember anything else.
I woke up yesterday with absolutely no memory, and spent most of yesterday either unconscious or staring at the ceiling and trying desperately to remember. When I woke up today it was the same.
According to my parents, they pulled me out of the river. When I try to remember that, I nearly black out because of the intensity of the pain and the fear that lies behind that memory. I know I must have come very close to dying. My parents have told me I was at least three-quarters drowned when they pulled me up.
How did I get in the river in the first place? I don't know. I don't know anything!
I don't seem to have anything to write in here, since it's supposed to be for my memories, and at the moment I don't have any. But I do have something I want to write about, because I can't talk to anybody about it. I had a nightmare last night.
It started out as a pleasant dream, a small group of children sitting around in a small house. An old man was sitting in a chair, watching them and smiling. They all looked vaguely familiar, though I couldn't tell you who they were. Then the door burst open and a boy came in. His face was hidden in the shadows. And he killed them. Slaughtered them, mercilessly, not giving them any chance to surrender or even protect themselves. I tried to move but my feet seemed glued to the floor, and my cries stuck in my throat.
When everything was silent, the boy leaned against the doorway, seeming suddenly unable to keep his balance. And then he looked up --
And the boy had my face.
I'm terrified now. Is this dream a memory, something that I've done, and now am trying desperately to forget? It doesn't seem like it, but at the same time it's the only explanation I can give.
Until I remember, I'm helpless. I can't even get out of bed, and I have nothing to do but sit here and be frightened and try to remember. I think I may go insane before I do.
~~~
Suboshi
The door opens and I see someone stick their head inside my room. It's totally dark inside; all the shades are pulled. "Suboshi?" a voice says, and I recognize it as Soi's. "Suboshi, Nakago wants to see you. He says it's time you stopped lying here pathetically and got up to do something."
"Tell Nakago to fuck off," I snap.
Soi sighs and closes the door. As she goes, I hear her mutter, "He's really not gonna like this . . . "
I roll over onto my side, then gasp at the pain it causes. I should know better than to move; I got one hell of a beating. The doctor told me to get some rest so I could heal, but I can't, because when I close my eyes . . . I see . . . those children . . .
I close my eyes and try to think about something else, but I can't. That's all I can think about, all I can see. In my mind's ear, I can hear Tamahome's agonized scream, so like my own when Aniki died.
No. It was revenge, fair revenge at that. A family for a family. Tamahome took my Aniki away from me; I took his family away from him. That's what Nakago told me.
And yet . . .
Justice? Murdering innocent children? Looking back, I can see now how insane I was to do it. At least Aniki had a chance to defend himself. He had his flute, and he was strong. What did I do? I killed four helpless children and an old man, who had no way of defending themselves from my attack, no matter how hard they tried. The eldest tried to stop me, tried to protect his siblings . . . the way Aniki always protected me.
And he -- the Suzaku Seishi that came with Tamahome -- said . . . it was an accident. That I'd made a mistake. I didn't listen to him then. Now it's all I can do to stop hearing it.
An accident.
If it was, I have killed . . . for nothing.
I know what I've done is unforgivable already. If it was totally pointless, that makes it even worse. That gets rid of the small amount of justice it had.
Well . . . I should stop thinking about it. There's nothing I can do about it now. The doctor says that I was injured badly, but since I'm a seishi, I'll heal more quickly than normal people would.
A small voice inside me keeps asking, "Why didn't you run, you fool?" Sure. It's probably a general rule that if your opponent starts to glow red, you get the hell out. But I didn't. I stayed. I challenged him when I had no chance of winning. And I knew I had no chance. Tamahome could've beaten anyone in the state he was in; just as I could probably beat just about anybody who was hurting Aniki. I knew it was almost certain death to fight. So why did I stay?
I guess because I just wanted to die.
I remember Tamahome telling me, too, something like, "Here comes the fatal blow." I wasn't afraid, or angry. I was just tired, and relieved.
God, I just wanted it to be over. To die and be with my Aniki.
But I was denied that.
Maybe that's part of the price I have to pay for what I did. Now I'm forced to live with that knowledge.
Why did I do it? I must have been insane. What Nakago said to me made so much sense at the time . . . but when I look back on it, I see he was just manipulating me. He's great at that. He's even made Yui-sama be Seiryuu no Miko. I know she doesn't want to be. She said something, right after Aniki died, when we went to Nakago in Seiryuu's Hall. "What's the use of prostrating yourself here, Nakago? Is Seiryuu coming? You've failed." I'll tell you she didn't sound particularly disappointed.
I can't forgive Nakago for this. He used my grief and my pain to make me do something unforgivable.
Aniki wouldn't have done it. Maybe that's what bothers me the most. If I had died instead of him, he would've been just as upset, just as devastated as I was by his death. But he wouldn't have allowed Nakago to manipulate him into killing innocent people. That was Aniki, he always wanted to protect innocent people.
Is he watching me from Heaven?
Aniki, don't hate me for what I've done.
I already hate myself enough.
The door opens again. This time it's Nakago himself. "Suboshi, get out of bed."
"I'm healing," I tell him. "It's your fault I got injured, you're the one who sent me in the first place." I want to ask him why. Why did he want Tamahome's family killed? He must've had a reason. But what could it possibly have been?
"You'll be fine," Nakago said. "And we need to get going."
"Where?"
"I'm sending you to Hokkan with Yui-sama," he tells me.
I sit up, ignoring the pain. "Yui-sama?"
"As her bodyguard. We need to find the Shinzaho."
I sigh and mutter something about getting up soon, just to leave me alone for a minute. Nakago seems to understand, and leaves the room.
I'm sitting up in bed, and I bury my head in my hands. How could I have done it? What kind of monster am I?
Nakago.
I won't forgive him for this.
Just as I can't forgive myself.
~~~