Part Three
Amiboshi
Several days later . . .
I lower my flute slowly as I approach the three people before me, and try not to feel the pain that seems to be crushing my heart.
I . . . have killed.
I, who only wanted peace, who only wanted to protect my brother, have taken a life. I had to. I know that. But I don't understand.
It's for the greater good, I can argue with myself. It will make them trust me. But how much is their trust worth, compared to a human life? I only wanted peace. I only wanted to play my flute to cheer my brother up after his nightmares and help him sleep. How, from where I began, did I get here?
I watch them warily, as they are watching me. A tall, regal-looking man with long black hair, another man with hair the color of fire, and a short girl. She must be the Miko. I mentally rehearse my script. My name is Chirko, I'm a survivor of a burned village. I don't look at the man who I've just killed.
I start to speak, not even really hearing what I'm saying. I've said it so many times in practice that I could probably recite it in my sleep.
It's almost funny to see their faces when my "symbol" is revealed. Obviously, of all the people they were expecting, one of their seishi isn't it.
I tell them who I am pretending to be. It all goes exactly as planned, except for the part where my knees give out underneath me and I fall to the ground. I'd thought about doing that anyway, since I'm supposed to be a survivor of a village that's been attacked, but I wasn't really planning on doing it, I just did. They help me up and take me back to the cabin where they're staying. I look sideways at the man on the ground.
Does he have a wife? Does he have children? Sons that are going to tug on their mother's skirt and ask when their daddy's coming home? I have killed one man -- how many have I hurt by doing so?
I go inside and I'm introduced to the other seishi. I am the last one. All they have to do now is get Tamahome. Then they can call Suzaku . . . or so they think, anyway. After everyone's gone back to sleep, I sit awake, then write a message to Shunkaku. It's reassuring to write to him, to know that he's still there. I write only two words: "I'm here."
There's a brief pause, and I wonder if I woke him up. Then I receive a message back: "You're all right?"
"I'm fine," I write. "Everything went to plan."
I can almost see Shunkaku sighing in relief. "Good," he writes back. I get the feeling that if it hadn't gone to plan, he'd already be on his way. I almost smile, but the weight on my heart hasn't gone away. How can I know that I'm doing the right thing? And if Nakago's plan is what I think it is, this won't be the first time I'm going to kill.
I bury my face in my hands. Somehow everything was going wrong. How on earth did I end up here, when all I wanted was peace?
I know I won't find an answer, and after a while, I force myself to lie down and go to sleep.
~~~
Several days later . . .
"The flute?" Hotohori asks.
I gulp. "M-Me?" I stutter. "I can break the barrier?" Oh, this is definitely not according to plan . . .
Hotohori nods and explains, concluding with, "Do it right away."
You don't say no to an emperor, especially not when you're pretending to be one of his fellow seishi and to be discovered would probably mean instant death, but I'm not sure how pleased Nakago would be if I broke his barrier. I can just hear him now . . . "Amiboshi, what are you thinking?"
I feel a hand on my shoulder and look over to see Mitsukake. His eyes send me silent strength.
What can I do? To refuse would be to basically give myself up. It would also mean causing more death. The deaths of my enemies.
Enemies who are becoming my friends.
I nod quickly. "I understand. I'll do it. Everyone concentrate on the flute."
The others close their eyes and concentrate. I lift my flute to my lips and start to play.
Within minutes, the barrier is broken. Chichiri, Tasuki, and Miaka appear in the center of the room. Everyone rushes around, attending to them. Miaka is crying in Hotohori's arms, with Nuriko hovering over them, and it suddenly occurs to me that Tamahome didn't return with them. What's Nakago done with him? If he's been killed, my job here is over. I can go home. But no . . . Seiryuu no Miko wouldn't have allowed it. That's why Nakago didn't just kill him in the first place. Tasuki is injured; Mitsukake is already beside him. Chichiri is kneeling in the center of the room, looking exhausted. I walk over to him slowly. "You all right?" I ask, trying not to sound reluctant.
He nods. "Good job, no da," he says, putting a hand on my arm. "We couldn't have done it without you, no da."
Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know.
~~~
The next day . . .
"Oh, this is great," Suboshi said, pacing around the room. "No sooner than we send my Aniki off into enemy territory, then we find our seventh seishi!" He glared at the childlike monk floating in front of him. "This is a seishi? Man, and Aniki thought that he wasn't cut out to be one!"
"Don't underestimate Miboshi," Nakago said in a dangerous tone of voice. "You have to show respect to your fellow seishi, Suboshi."
Suboshi muttered something angrily and turned away.
Soi walked over to Nakago and Miboshi and said quietly, "He's just worried about his brother. Give the kid a break."
Miboshi glared at Suboshi.
Suboshi glared right back. He wasn't about to be frightened by a two-foot-tall seishi who had a jewel mounted on his forehead. He didn't care what Nakago said.
"Amiboshi's doing fine," Tomo said. "Stop worrying so much, Suboshi."
"Sure, he's doing fine," Suboshi muttered. "Well, obviously none of you are worried, so if I don't worry about him, who will?"
Nobody answered.
~~~
Amiboshi
A week later . . .
Trapped.
River in back of me, two extremely angry Suzaku Seishi in front of me. This is not good. How the hell did this happen? Why didn't my magic work?
Maybe just because I didn't want it to?
No, that's not it. There was that other music in the background that disrupted it. I don't know what it was, and at the moment it doesn't seem very important. Miaka and Chichiri appear in front of me. Great, as if two on one wasn't bad enough.
I decide to attack; it's all I can do.
"Stop it, Chiriko!" Miaka shouts. "You don't have to hurt anyone!"
I stop short and stare at her, astonished.
"Your tunes are lovely, right? You can use them to cheer and comfort! You don't want to play the flute in cruelty!"
How can I explain to her? How can I tell her that she's right, and that cheering and comforting was all I ever wanted to do? Is there any way to make her understand why I did this? For my country, for my brother, for myself. All I wanted was peace. And now, I may have created a war by trying to get it.
I did what I had to do.
That's all.
But now what? I start to back away slowly, uncertainly. If they catch me, will they kill me? Probably not, at least not right away. They want to know how many Seishi we've gathered. No, they won't kill me. But I'll never get home. I'll never get back to Shunkaku.
If they hold me, Shunkaku would tear apart all of Konan until he found me. I know that. If I get away, we'll call Seiryuu, and Kutou's army will attack. Innocent people will be killed; children like my brother and me will be orphaned and miserable like we were.
If I just disappeared . . .
But I can't do that. I promised Shunkaku I would come back. I can't break that promise to him.
Can I?
And then the choice is taken from me.
The river bank starts to crumble under my feet and I feel myself falling backwards. Strangely enough, I feel no fear, no panic, just an overwhelming sense of relief. I don't have to pretend anymore. I don't have to hurt those who I wish were my friends. I don't have to worry about being discovered. I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm doing the right thing.
And then the choice is handed right back to me.
Miaka leaps forward and grabs my flute as I fall; I dangle above the river. I look up at her eyes, and to my amazement, I see that she cares . . . about me. About whether I live or die. After I betrayed her and tried to kill her, she still cares.
I know what my decision is. After doing this . . . I could never live with myself.
Shunkaku, I'm sorry.
I look up at Miaka and smile, grateful to her, both for caring and for helping me make my decision. Then I close my eyes, whisper a silent prayer to whichever god is listening -- somehow I doubt it's Seiryuu -- and let go.
I hear Miaka's shocked scream as I fall, then I'm under water.
It hurts. I feel like my lungs are about to burst from trying to hold my breath. Everything is pain and darkness and for the first time, the reality of what I'm doing sinks in.
Shun-chan! Shun-chan, I'm sorry!
Everything is darkness.
~~~
Suboshi
Pain rips through my heart, nearly splitting me in two with its sudden intensity. I've never felt it before, or anything that even comes close to it, but I instinctively know what it is.
"Aniki," I whisper.
There is no answer, no reassuring presence telling me that my brother is there.
"Aniki," I say louder, desperately trying to reach him somehow. But still there's nothing. "I can't feel Aniki's chi," I say to nobody. Somehow saying it makes it seem more real. "He must have . . . " But I can't finish that sentence. I can't say that word. "The Suzaku Seishi . . . "
The pain intensifies with every second. I can barely stand it any more. "Oh, God, no," I choke out. "Aniki . . . ANIKI!" An agonized scream rips from my throat and I fall hard to my knees.
The door opens slowly. I look up and see Nakago standing in the doorway, barely visible through the tears that are already starting. I don't know if Nakago heard my scream or if he, too, felt Aniki's chi disappear. I look up at him pleadingly, begging him to tell me I'm wrong.
Nakago closes his eyes and I know he's concentrating. A few seconds later he opens them and simply shakes his head. I stare up at him in horror.
"No," I say desperately. "No, no, no, no . . . " My voice breaks and I nearly choke.
Nakago walks over to me and does something totally unlike him; he rests his hand on my shoulder and says, "I'm sorry."
That's it. That's all.
He turns and leaves the room, probably knowing that if anyone can comfort me, it's not him.
I nearly choke again, trying to control my tears.
Aniki. Aniki. Aniki.
This isn't how it was supposed to be! He wasn't supposed to die! He was supposed to come back and we would call Seiryuu and we would win. This wasn't right!
Aniki . . .
I lose track of time as I kneel there, pain so intense it nearly kills me tearing through my heart. Hours pass before the door creaks open and I hear voices. I can't make out who they are or what they're saying, then I hear footsteps walking towards me and I hear Yui-sama's voice. To my surprise, it sounds like she's close to tears. She kneels beside me and starts to speak, but I don't even hear what she's saying. Suddenly I'm furious with her. What right does she have to interrupt my grief and pain? Who does she think she is?
"Shut up!" I scream. "What do you know?!" Tears threaten and I quickly look away.
"I think I understand a bit," Yui-sama says quietly, putting her arms around my shoulders.
She doesn't. How can I explain that to her? How can I tell her that no matter who she lost, it can't be someone she loved as much as I loved my Aniki? It can't be someone she depended on as much, can't be someone she cared about as much. It can't have been her other half, her better half.
It can't be the only person she's ever cared about.
How can I explain that to her?
"Cry as much as you want to," she says. "Cry as much as you need to."
Tears stream down my cheeks and I start to shake in her arms. I try to choke back the sobs but I just can't anymore.
Aniki. Aniki . . .
I grab Yui-sama by the shoulders and push her away so she's facing me. I can tell by the look on her face that she's surprised. I am, too. I didn't mean to do that. Words are spilling out of my mouth and I don't even know what I'm saying.
"It's not true," I cry. "It's not, it can't be! Aniki . . . he can't be dead, he can't be! He's always been there for me! He can't have left me. He wouldn't leave me! He promised, damn it, he promised he wouldn't leave me! He promised he wouldn't die! It's not true, it's a lie, I won't believe it! I won't!" I let go of her and slam my fist into the stone floor. I don't even feel it. That pain is nothing compared to the agony in my heart. I hit the ground again.
"Suboshi, stop it!" Yui-sama says, putting her arms around my shoulders again. I pull away violently and continue to punch the floor, my knuckles bleeding. I still can't feel it. "Suboshi, you're hurting yourself!"
"The pain . . . can't get any worse," I gasp out, slamming my fist into the floor again and again and again.
Yui-sama stands back, waiting for me to wear myself out. It doesn't take long. Soon I don't even have the strength to lift my hand again. She approaches me cautiously and pulls me to her, cradling me in her arms like a small child. Tears run down my face.
"It's okay," she whispers. "It's okay to cry."
I give up and start to sob, shaking in her arms. I'm crying so hard I can't even breathe, my face buried in Yui-sama's shoulder. She strokes my hair and back and whispers in my ear. She holds me the exact same way Aniki used to hold me after my nightmares. And this is the nightmare . . . only this time it's real.
After a while -- a long while, I think -- my sobs slow down. Yui-sama rocks me back and forth. The pain in my heart is receding to manageable levels. With that, I'm starting to notice the rest of my pain. My knees hurt from falling on them so hard. My hand throbs, and I realize I've probably broken most, if not all, of my knuckles. My head pounds and my stomach aches. Since I don't know how long I've been in this room, I don't know how long it's been since I've eaten, but I know it's been a while. I know I should probably get up, eat something, and try to get some sleep, but just the thought of food makes me sick. All I want to do is sleep. I'm so exhausted that I think I might even be able to.
It occurs to me now that I should be angry. I want to know what happened to my Aniki, but right at the moment it seems unimportant. Revenge can come later. Right now the thought of revenge makes me sick, too.
I let my eyes close and feel myself drift off to sleep, joining my brother in the darkness.
~~~
Yui sighed in relief as Suboshi's eyes closed and he relaxed in her arms. Finally, the poor kid had worn himself out and fallen asleep. She looked around, wondering what to do. She couldn't just leave him lying on the floor.
The door opened and Nakago walked in. Yui just looked at him, amazed at his ability to show up whenever she needed him.
"He's asleep," she said to his questioning glance.
Nakago nodded. "I'll have a guard bring him to his room."
Yui nodded back and stood up, laying Suboshi gently on the floor.
"There's blood on your shirt," Nakago told her.
Yui glanced down at it disinterestedly. "It's his," she said. "From his hand."
Nakago knelt beside Suboshi and picked up his hand. Suboshi didn't even move. "He's broken most of his knuckles," he said.
Yui shrugged. "What happened to Amiboshi?" she asked.
"We'll probably never know," Nakago said softly.
Yui looked down at Suboshi. Her face was impassive, but there was sympathy in her eyes. "Poor kid," she said quietly.
Nakago said nothing. He turned away and went to find a guard.
Yui turned to follow him. She cast one backwards glance at Suboshi, then quietly left the room.
~~~
Suboshi woke up with a splitting headache and very little recollection of what had happened the previous day. He only knew that his Aniki was gone, and that he would never be whole again. He no longer felt pain or sorrow or much of anything . . . just . . . emptiness. The absence of emotion gave him the ability to think clearly. He didn't know how long he'd been asleep -- actually, it had only been a couple of hours -- but he could see from outside the window that it was just past dawn. He wasn't hungry, but he knew he should eat, so he got out of bed and walked to the dining hall.
Tomo and Soi looked up in surprise. They had just been talking about how it was going to be quiet -- Nakago was off attending to some business, Ashitare and Miboshi never ate with the rest of them anyway, and Suboshi probably wasn't going to be coming. For a few seconds, they just stared at him, taken aback by the sheer amount of pain in his eyes, then he walked into the room.
"Ohayo, Tomo, Soi," he said quietly. His voice was hoarse and scratchy.
Tomo was the first to recover. "Ohayo, Suboshi," he said. "We weren't expecting to see you here."
Suboshi shrugged and sat down. "I've still got to eat," he said. "Even though I'm tempted to stay in my room until I die, I doubt Nakago would allow it anyway."
"What happened to your hand?" Soi asked, sitting down at her normal place.
Suboshi looked down at his bandaged hand in surprise. "You know, I really don't remember," he said. "I don't remember much of anything that happened yesterday. I think I yelled at Yui-sama, though. Probably I should go apologize."
"I wouldn't worry about it," Tomo said.
Servants put food on the table. They all stared at it for a second, then Suboshi started to eat. Tomo and Soi exchanged glances, then also began eating. I wonder how long he can keep this up? Tomo wondered. He can't keep pretending to be normal for long.
"Where's Nakago?" Suboshi asked.
"In the temple, I think," Soi answered. "Trying to figure out what, if anything, we can do now."
Suboshi nodded slowly. A silence followed, then he abruptly started to talk. "What do you think happened?" he asked. "Do you think they found out? Does it hurt to die? Do you think it was painful? Maybe they found out but he didn't know, and they killed him in his sleep or something. How do you think it happened? Do you think he accomplished his mission anyway? What are we going to do now? Do you think maybe they slit his throat? Do you think it hurt an awful lot? What do you think his last words were? Everyone should get last words. Do you think he was thinking about me? Do you -- "
Tomo put a hand on Suboshi's shoulder and he cut off abruptly with a choked sob. His eyes burned with unshed tears, but he wouldn't cry. He'd cried enough.
"Gomen," he said. "I -- I'm not myself today."
And probably you never will be again, Soi thought.
Before anyone could say anything, Suboshi pushed back from the table and ran to the window. He leaned outside and threw up, then sank to his knees. Tomo and Soi exchanged glances again, then walked over to him, kneeling beside him. Soi put an arm around his waist.
For a long minute, the only sound was Suboshi's harsh breathing.
"Gomen," he repeated faintly. He stood up and backed away. "I -- I think -- I need to be alone." He turned and fled from the room.
Soi and Tomo watched him go, then turned back to the table.
"You think he'll be all right?" Soi asked quietly.
Tomo considered. "Not now," he finally said. "Eventually, he will be. But he'll never be the same."
~~~
Darkness surrounds me. I struggle against it, but I somehow know that it's winning, and I will never break free of it. There's a pounding in my ears and I realize it's only my terrified heart. I fight the darkness and reach towards the light, but it's too late -- the light is gone.
I float in the darkness and try to remember. Feelings of terror, pain, and suffocation wash over me, increasing my desperation to break free. I struggle and the darkness recedes; I feel as though I might almost remember.
Who am I?
The darkness explodes back at me and a small gasping cry escapes my lips. Even that question goes unanswered, three simple words but incredibly complicated at its heart. It's not just that I can't remember my name, it's that I can't remember anything; I can't remember me. I cry out again and my whole body jerks in my half-sleep. A hand touches my forehead.
"Shhh, Kaika. You'll be all right."
Kaika?
If it's my name, it should sound familiar, yet it does not. The darkness waits to recapture me, and I fight harder than ever, but I am tired. So tired.
"Do you think he's having another nightmare?" A man's voice. Soft and low. But I'm not having a nightmare. It would be so much easier if I were! But this is not a dream; it's altogether too real.
The darkness reaches out to me, I feel what little grasp I have on the light starting to slip.
No! I will remember! I will not surrender to the darkness!
Another cry, then another.
I can't wake up. I can't remember. Why can't I wake up? Why don't I know who I am? WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER?!
I sit up suddenly with one more cry, my whole body drenched with sweat. The first word I say means nothing to me, and I don't know why I say it even as it comes from my mouth. "Shunkaku . . . "
It means . . . nothing. Has it ever meant anything? Why did I say it?
Why can't I remember?
An elderly couple looks at me with anxious and concerned eyes. They, like everything else, are totally unfamiliar.
"Lie down, Kaika," the woman says softly. "You'll hurt yourself. You're still weak."
I allow myself to be pushed back down, too exhausted and bewildered to protest. One word is all I can manage. "Kaika?"
The couple look at each other nervously. "How much do you remember, Kaika?" the man asks me.
I close my eyes and try, but the darkness jumps at me. I gasp and open my eyes wide.
"N-Nothing!" I manage to say.
The woman rests her hand on my forehead comfortingly. "It will come back," she says reassuringly. "You must give it time."
Time. Yes. I want to sleep and let the time pass, but the darkness and the nightmares will be waiting.
"Other than that, how do you feel?" the man asks.
"Tired," I say. "Aching."
"Are you thirsty?" the woman asks. When I nod, she holds a cup to my lips and helps me drink.
"We were so worried about you," she says, tears starting to shine in her eyes. "We didn't know if you would ever wake up . . . "
The man puts a hand on her shoulder, and she turns her face from me, not wanting me to see her cry. I look at the man questioningly, starting to feel better. I wonder briefly what was in that drink; I feel so much better after having drunk it.
"How long . . . ?" I ask. I can't finish the sentence. How long since what?
"You've been unconscious two days," he answers. "You were badly hurt. After we pulled you from the river -- "
The river.
The rest of his sentence is lost in a flood of remembered terror and pain.
I lost my grip
let go
fell --
the river swallowed me
darkness
(Was that where the darkness came from?)
a need to breathe but only water suffocation pain DARKNESS --
The man is holding my shoulders and shaking me gently. "Kaika! Kaika, are you all right?" He's frightened at the reaction his simple words have caused. I'm frightened, too, because I'm so close to remembering but I just -- can't --
"Oh, Kaika," the woman says, and reaches a hand out, brushing away my tears with a tenderness that surprises me.
Tears? When did I start crying? Maybe while I was so close to remembering. I pull away from the woman, embarrassed at showing weakness to these people whom I don't know -- or at least don't remember.
When I've calmed, the man continues speaking. "Most of your injuries are healing," he says.
Yes. The outer ones. But not the inner.
"You got a nasty bump on the head," he continues. "That could cause the memory loss." I can tell he's afraid to ask how little I remember. I'm afraid to tell him. As far as I know, I didn't exist before this day.
Is it that I can't remember? Or is it that I don't want to?
"You've had terrible nightmares," the woman says, stroking my hair. "You've talked in your sleep. Names and things."
"Tell me," I say, desperate to remember, even if it's bad.
She looks surprised. "Well, let me think. Chiriko. Yes, I'm certain you said Chiriko."
I shake my head; again it means nothing.
"And Miaka," she continues.
Vague recognition; it sounds like it might have meant something once, but nothing now.
"Nakago," the old man contributes.
A faint flicker of fear, then nothing.
"I remember," the woman says. "You said this a lot. Shunkaku."
My whole body flinches away; the name burns into my mind like a physical pain. I know it. I know it! I can remember so much yet it's swallowed by the darkness before it can reach my conscious mind.
Shunkaku . . . who are you? Who am I?
"Are you all right, Kaika?"
I have accepted by now that my name must be Kaika, or else they wouldn't call me that. But who are they? I don't want to hurt them by asking, but I feel an insatiable urge to know. My head starts to throb and I'm afraid I'm going to be sick.
"You need to rest," the old woman says, so I close my eyes obediently. The darkness immediately leaps out at me and starts to drag me away. I fight against it but I'm still tired and weak.
My eyes open again and the question flies out of my mouth before I can stop it. "Who are you?"
The woman covers her mouth with one hand and turns away. The man looks at me uncertainly, with pain in his eyes. "Don't -- don't you know us, Kaika? We're your parents."
I stare at him and again it hits me -- I have forgotten everything, everyone. I am no one. I try to remember my parents; I fight against the darkness with all my remaining strength. Images of fire and blood surround me, pain and death and a small boy clinging to me and crying, though I am the same age as he is. Death is everywhere. Who is this boy holding my shirt sleeve? Somehow that seems to be the key. I can't remember and I know it's important. The answer is somewhere and I have to find it --
But this is too much, and the darkness finally reclaims me.
~~~
Suboshi walked down the hallway quickly, determined to just get his errand over with so he could hide somewhere. Yui was probably the last person on earth he wanted to see, but Nakago had said, "Go find Yui-sama and bring her to the temple. I want to speak with her."
"About yesterday . . . um . . . I apologize for that," Suboshi said when he finally found her, blushing and looking at his shoes. "I was really rude. I mean . . . "
Yui smiled at him, sending his heart down into his stomach. "It's okay. I don't mind. I'm glad you're feeling better."
"I am," he lied, "and, um, Nakago said to come with you to Seiryuu's Hall."
Yui nodded and the two of them walked down the hallway. Once he had brought her there, Suboshi turned away, walked to his practice room, and took out his Ryuuseisui. He started swinging them furiously, careful not to hit anything and damage it, but going faster than he ever had before.
Pain had faded to sorrow had faded to emptiness had faded to anger.
What did they do to you, Aniki?
The Ryuuseisui went faster than ever.
I won't let them get away with this.
Faster.
No one can separate us without having to pay for it.
Fastest.
I'll make them pay for it.
His lost his grip and the Ryuuseisui went flying off into a corner. For the third time in two days, Suboshi's knees gave way and he fell to the floor.
I won't let them do this to us, Aniki. I'll make them pay for separating us. I'll get revenge for you.
He closed his eyes and rested his forehead on the floor. Somehow he would get through this.
Somehow.
~~~