Um.... just please don't kill me.
Chapter Eight
I think I must have clocked my head a good one, because the world is doing some really interesting blurry things right about now. And I could swear that I’m seeing Tsuzuki in front of me, standing in front of me and looking down with a curious look on his face. “Hisoka?”
No, that’s definitely his voice. I’m not hallucinating. He’s really here. Wow, does my head hurt. But even though I can see him and hear him, I can’t feel him. All I can feel is that cold. Ryuushi must be here somewhere, but where?
“Hisoka?”
I manage to struggle my way to my feet. “Ts . . . Tsuzuki . . .”
He gets an arm around my shoulders and helps me to my feet. But even with the touch, there’s nothing. My empathy isn’t shut off, because I can feel vague unease and curiosity from the others around me.
I take the opportunity to look around while I regain some sense of balance. I’m in what looks like a huge throne room. Everything is done in black and red marble. It’s very beautiful, in that cold sort of way. There’s a huge black throne at the head of the room, adorned in silver. The drapes are dark red. No lights except large batches of candles placed intermittently and torches on the walls.
Ryuushi is sitting in the throne. He’s wearing a simple black kimono with red and silver trim. It’s only now sinking in that Tsuzuki is wearing the same thing. It’s so seldom that I see him in anything other than a suit that it takes a minute to sink in. His has purple trim instead of red. And he looks . . . well, the words absolutely gorgeous leap to mind.
Everyone else is clad similarly. Most of them are fairly handsome or pretty, depending on their gender. I’m assuming they’re Ryuushi’s court, for lack of a better word. I feel very out of place in my long-sleeved T-shirt and jeans. Orange. Why am I wearing orange, damn it? Tsuzuki doesn’t like it. Or at least he claims he doesn’t like it, but I have a suspicion he’s always found it cute that I wear a color that looks so horrible on me.
“So you made it, huh,” Tsuzuki says, smiling slightly. He looks strange. There’s not anything I can particularly put my finger on, but it just doesn’t look right. It doesn’t look like him. “Must’ve been quite a trip.”
“Tsuzuki . . .” My brain is freezing in the cold again. I manage to wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his chest. I’m only barely holding back tears, and only managing it because I don’t want to cry in front of an entire room of blood demons. Right, that would just be bad.
Tsuzuki hugs me back. “See?” he says, and I assume he’s talking to Ryuushi. “I told you that he’d make it.”
“So you were right.” Ryuushi speaks up, his voice soft and icy. I can feel his presence coming closer. “I’ll admit that I underestimated the little one, here. It’s quite impressive that he managed to get through all five levels of Hell intact. And in only three days, too.”
Three days? That’s how long it’s been? I must have been unconscious between levels for longer than I’d thought. Or maybe time passes differently in them; I suppose that’s possible too. But the more important question is, why are Tsuzuki and Ryuushi getting along? Last time I checked, Tsuzuki was terrified of the man.
Tsuzuki lets me go and I back away a step. Something’s wrong. Something is very, very wrong. Maybe it’s some trick of Hell, but this . . . this isn’t Tsuzuki. It’s a trick, or something. It has to be. It’s not him.
“Tsuzuki . . .?”
“He catches on quick, doesn’t he,” Ryuushi says, smiling.
Tsuzuki nods and smiles, and his smile makes me feel like I’m coated over with ice. “He’s very quick. That’s why I knew he’d come.”
“I-I don’t understand,” I stammer. “What’s going on, Tsuzuki?”
“And he keeps trying!” Ryuushi sounds absolutely gleeful. “This is hysterical! He’s really in love with you, isn’t he!”
“I know.” Tsuzuki’s smile is so bright that it’s blinding me. “It’s rather endearing, really.”
I can only stare at him. “What are you talking about?”
He laughs. It might be the most horrible sound I’ve ever heard; cold and mocking. “Hisoka, you’re so cute. You’re so gullible, really. I can’t believe I had you fooled for this long. I mean, as an empath, I’d think you would have figured it out a long time ago.”
// “If you think he can’t manipulate empathy, you’re wrong, and you should have known that for years by now.” //
I shake my head. “No.”
“And he still tries to deny it!” Ryuushi claps and settles back into his throne. “This is excellent. A good day’s entertainment. Go ahead, Tsuzuki . . . I want to see his reactions as he finds it all out.”
Tsuzuki smiles. “Whatever you want, ‘tousan.”
I give Tsuzuki a firm push, sending him stumbling backwards a few steps. “God damn it, Tsuzuki! Tell me what’s going on! If you don’t love me, then you damn well better say so!”
“Fine,” Tsuzuki says with a shrug. “I don’t love you. Happy now?”
I want to be upset, but first I’m settling for being angry. I’m so angry that I can barely breathe. “Then why?” I can’t manage it above a whisper. “Why did you do this? You . . . you married me . . .”
I make the mistake of looking at his hands. The ring is gone.
“No . . . no, no, no . . .”
He laughs. “You want an explanation? I can give you one, if that’s what you want.”
I manage a nod. Still trying desperately to hold back tears, but the first ones are starting to sting at my eyes. No. I won’t cry in front of them -- in front of him.
“See, it’s all one big misunderstanding where the Shinigami are concerned,” he says breezily. “It wasn’t a mistake when I blew up the school. I hated it there. They ridiculed me and made me feel like . . . like nothing.” His mouth twists in a sneer, an expression I’ve never seen on his face before. “When ‘tousan found me, and offered to take me away . . . of course I wanted to go. He taught me how to use the power, and I got revenge on all those people who had ever hurt me . . .”
I press my hands against my mouth to hold back a sob.
He shrugs. “It backfired, though. I was too young and untrained, and I couldn’t control it. Nearly shattered my own mind and rather unfortunately did some damage to ‘tousan. The Shinigami captured him. So when I died, I became a Shinigami . . . and started looking for a way to free him. Of course, they believed my pathetic excuse of amnesia, and that it had been an accident.
“I thought that I was going to be fine, even though I couldn’t figure out yet how to free ‘tousan. Then . . . you showed up.”
There’s something far worse than hatred in his voice when he says that.
Contempt.
“Because of your empathy, and since you were my partner, I knew it was only a matter of time before you saw through it. I’d managed to get rid of all my other partners so far, but I wasn’t sure that would work for you. But once Gushoshin told me a little about your past, I came up with the perfect plan. I would make you fall in love with me. I would blind you to what I really was by giving you something you couldn’t possibly resist.”
He laughs again. “God, it was so easy. No one had ever given you so much as a word of kindness. All I had to do was be nice to you, be gentle. It actually took you a lot longer than I thought it would. But I suppose it just took you that long to admit it, ne?
“I wasn’t expecting all the stuff that just happened, but it worked out well in the end. I wouldn’t have been able to just leave with ‘tousan, not easily. But since I was already gone, he just met up with me and it worked out fine. So now . . .” He smiles, and it’s cold, just like Ryuushi is cold. “Now we’ll leave Hell, destroy EnmaCho, and merge Chijou and Hell.”
I feel my knees going weak, and I want to just fall over, but won’t allow myself to. “It . . . it was all a lie?”
“Now he’s got it,” Ryuushi drawls from his throne.
“But . . . but Muraki, and Kyoto . . .”
Tsuzuki laughs. “Oh, yes, Muraki. I had to explain that to ‘tousan, too. See, it was just luck that we met Muraki, and I found out he was the one who killed you. He’s been doing me a few servies. People draw together the best in times of adversity, you know? So I had him do me the favor. He was what drove us together, even you must have realized that by now. I could have done it without him, but he made it much easier on me. Haven’t you ever wondered how he got into the Meifu that one time? I had to let him in, or else he wouldn’t have been able to.”
I blink at him.
“Make sense now?” Tsuzuki asks, smirking.
Yes, it does make sense. It all makes perfect sense.
“But don’t worry,” Tsuzuki says, and he reaches up to caress my face. I flinch away, resisting the ugre to cry out. “I’ve actually grown a bit fond of you. When this is all over, ‘tousan is going to rule Hell and I’m going to rule the Meifu, and you can be my . . . what was that word you used, ‘tousan?”
“Consort,” Ryuushi tells him.
“Yes, that was it.” Tsuzuki still smiles at me. “Does that sound okay with you?”
I shake my head. “No.” Shove all the emotions to the back of my head and try to deal with this on a factual basis. “No, that isn’t okay.” Force myself to stand up straight and look him in the eye. Those beautiful purple eyes. Demon eyes. “If you never loved me . . . if this was all a lie . . . then I won’t stay with you.”
Tsuzuki laughs. “I didn’t say you had a choice in the matter. I just asked if it sounded okay.”
Ryuushi stands up and comes to rest his hand on Tsuzuki’s shoulder. “Why don’t we give him a night to think it over, ne?”
Tsuzuki nods. “That sounds fine.” He reaches out and touches my cheek again, and I feel the ice spread over my body. Funny that he was the first one to melt it all away, and now he’s the one to build it all back up.
And I make my decision then. Somehow, and I don’t know how, I’ll stop him from doing this. And then I’ll die and go to Heaven, and maybe that will heal this wound. Maybe.
A few of the demons come up and grab me by the arms, and I’m too numb to resist as they haul me away.
~~~~
The cell where I find myself is about four feet by four feet. The ceiling is high enough for me to stand up, but if I want to lie down, I have to curl up. The walls are uncut stone, and they’re damp. Uncomfortable to lean against. They glisten in the torch light. The bars are too close together to squeeze through, but I can easily see through them. The corridor we came down looks exactly the same.
I’m still too numb to do much thinking, which is probably a good thing. Otherwise I’d be trying to kill myself right about now.
The door opens and creaks as Ryuushi walks in. Maybe the cold would be burning me by now, if I were capable of feeling at all. Thinking of Tsuzuki. I wish that I could stop.
“So are you enjoying Hell?” Ryuushi asks, his voice dripping disdain.
“Oh, yeah.” I hear my voice speaking, which is kind of amusing. My mouth has gained a life of its own. “I thought you could improve the decor a little, you know, maybe ditch all the reds and blacks and replace it with pink and white. It would make the place so much more friendly.”
“I’m sure it would,” Ryuushi agrees, standing just inside the door. “But we don’t want it to be friendly, you know.”
“I’m sure,” I say dryly, getting to my feet. “But you know, I could really suggest a few improvements. That fourth level in particular. You know what would be cool? If you could see things in the distance, but when you walked toward them, they just got further away.”
“That would be quite entertaining, yes,” Ryuushi agrees.
“Why are you here?” I ask wearily. “Don’t tell me this is just a courtesy visit.”
“Of course not. But I didn’t want you to think we were just going to leave you in a cell to rot.” He laughs shortly. “Personally, I think Asato-kun is cracked for actually wanting to keep you. I’ll admit that you have a certain . . . charm, though.” He reaches out and touches my face, almost like Tsuzuki did earlier.
“Don’t touch me.”
He raises an eyebrow at me. “As if you have any leverage here. You can’t tell me what to do.”
“What do you want with me?!” I’m practically screaming now.
He pushes me up against the wall, his face only inches from mine. “I want to cause you pain,” he breathes softly. “I want to hurt you until you can’t endure your existence anymore. I spent so many years unable to hurt anyone. It nearly drove me insane. Imagine all that you are, all you’ve ever existed for, taken away from you, and to be locked into a little cage for what may be forever.”
“I know exactly how that feels, thank you,” I snap. “I’m going through it right now.”
He laughs and lets go. “I suppose you are.”
“So what are you going to do to me?” I ask quietly.
“I’ll admit that I want to save the majority of it for while Asato-kun is here to watch,” he says, and I can’t hold back a shudder. “But there is something I’d like to do now.”
I just give him a suspicious look.
“Do you know what a blood demon is? I assume that you must have done at least a little research, or you never would have been able to get through Hell unscathed. Or at least as unscathed as you are.”
I have a feeling he’ll be annoyed if I don’t answer, so I think I’d better. “Aa . . . blood demons get energy from human blood. Most have to drink it, but the powerful ones only have to draw it.”
He nods. “Though it still packs a more powerful punch when you drink it, but you have the basic idea. Now, how powerful would you say I am?”
“I don’t know.” Pause. “Very?”
“Very good. The problem is that after Asato-kun . . . accidentally blasted me so badly, I lose a lot of my inner energy. Being locked away for nearly a century hasn’t helped much. So I figured you can give me a boost . . . ne?”
I shudder as he backs me against the wall.
“It doesn’t hurt . . . much,” he whispers, and kisses me. I feel his teeth sink into my lip and try not to cry out as the taste of blood fills my mouth. I can feel my energy slowly draining away and end up using the wall to keep upright. At first it doesn’t hurt, not beyond the small wound, but then he taps some . . . some inner source of energy
oh God it hurts so much
and then it’s over. He lets me sink to the ground, holding one hand to my bleeding mouth. Still bleeding. Not healing.
“That’s much better,” he says, and shakes himself slightly. Those huge black wings start to emerge from his back. Skeletal wings. “I feel much more like . . . myself.”
“Is Tsuzuki really going to help you destroy the world?” I whisper.
He laughs. “So it would seem.”
“I . . . I can’t believe that.”
“I’m sure you can’t.” He smiles at me. “Even now, you’re still in love with him. Even after everything he’s done to you. That’s quite impressive. Your devotion is admirable, if quite stupid.”
“You couldn’t possibly understand,” I say sullenly, and look away.
“Of course not. Demons can’t love. Half-demons can, if given the right . . . incentive, but it’s very rare. Of course, Asato-kun was raised in a human society, so I suppose it would be possible. But still not likely. Didn’t that ever occur to you? You loved him even though he was part demon. Don’t you know how stupid that is?”
I can’t answer, and only barely manage to stifle a sob.
“Or were you trying to deny that he was a demon? I suppose that’s possible.” Ryuushi looks too enthralled with figuring this out. I’d really like to punch him, but I don’t think that would be a good idea. “Well, you may as well get some rest. I’m sure we’ll be seeing you tomorrow.”
He leaves, and I’m finally alone in my pathetic little cell. All I can do is curl up into a little ball and cry myself to sleep.
~~~~
“Hisoka? Hisoka, can you hear me?”
I open my eyes to see Akimiya in front of me. But it’s weird, it’s like he’s a watercolor painting that’s running. He’s fading in and out as I watch him, and his voice sounds like it’s coming through twenty feet of water. It’s unclear and muffled.
“I . . . I hear you,” I whisper.
“Are you in Hell? It’s awfully hard to get through. I can hear you, but I can’t see you . . .” He’s looking around this dark little landscape as if he expects me to appear out of nowhere.
“Yes . . . I am.” I’d really like a hug, and Akimiya is generally pretty good about that sort of thing, but I’m afraid that if I touch him, he’ll disappear. “All the way in the fifth level.”
“Things aren’t great up here, Tatsumi-san is practically freaking out,” Akimiya says. “How are things with you? Have you found Tsuzuki?”
I nod, then remember he said he can’t see me. “Yes. I did find him.” I can’t bring myself to tell him everything that happened. I just can’t.
“That’s good,” Akimiya says. “What’s the plan?”
“I-I don’t know. Ryuushi wants to merge Chijou and Hell again, and they’re going to try to destroy EnmaCho. I think he’s going to try to use Tsuzuki as his instrument. Something about how now that he has more training, it might not affect him the same way.”
“I think Shinigami probably have tougher minds than the average human,” Akimiya agrees. The image of him fades and flickers out.
“Akimiya? Akimiya!”
“I’m still here . . .”
It’s weird, talking to a disembodied voice. I don’t like it. I’m so scared, so scared and I just want to go home. But I don’t have a home anymore. It’s just like when Muraki stole Tsuzuki from me, only much, much worse. But Akimiya doesn’t need to know that I plan on dying as soon as I get out of Hell.
“Now what?” I ask him.
“I don’t know,” he admits. “Have you figured out what that dream means? I had it again last night.”
“I’m not sure . . .” Tsuzuki and I on opposite sides of a door. A metaphor, maybe? For what’s happened between us now? I don’t know. Purple eyes glowing red . . . that makes me think of Ryuushi, but I just can’t be certain of anything anymore.
Where is Muraki, anyway?
“I can barely hear you . . . I’m going to go unless there’s anything else you need, okay?”
“That’s fine,” I whisper.
And he’s gone, just like that.
~~~~
I can’t sleep.
Locked away, alone in my little cell.
It reminds me of when I was a child. Locked away all alone, with no visitors, only my parents occasionally coming down for food. Looking at me like a monster. My mother ashamed of having given birth to me, denying that I was her son.
// “what a scary boy, it’s like he’s reading my thoughts . . . like a demon child . . .” //
I am not a demon.
But Tsuzuki is.
And . . . I can’t accept it. I can’t even believe it, no matter how much sense it makes. I just can’t believe that he was lying this whole time. I just can’t find any way for it to not be true.
// “you’re not my son! I didn’t give birth to a monster like you!” //
I have no more tears left.
I wonder what Heaven is like . . . because it’s supposed to be happiness, peace. Yet I don’t think I can be happy without Tsuzuki. At least, without Tsuzuki as I knew him. So how does it work? Do I just forget all about him when I get there?
Does it erase this pain?
Can it?
I might almost welcome that.
I came so far, damn it. I did so much. I survived my own death and found happiness. I fought for it. I fought so hard. I beat my own fear and doubt and learned to accept myself and Tsuzuki’s love. I overcame all of Tsuzuki’s objections. I fought my own worst nightmare and won, for Tsuzuki’s sake. I made it through all the levels of Hell for him.
For this.
Tsuzuki was the one who convinced me that I was worth something, convinced me that I was worth being loved.
Without that, what do I have left?
I’m coming to the conclusion now that I will always love him, even though he never loved me. Or at least, I’ll always love the Tsuzuki that was mine. He never existed, but I’ll continue to be in love with him.
I just want this to be over.
I need a plan. A plan of some sort. There must be some way to stop this from happening. I’m not sure there’s anything I can do to stop Tsuzuki. I don’t even know how to get out of Hell, and even though I’ve warned Akimiya, I don’t think that’ll be enough. I don’t think they can stop Ryuushi and Tsuzuki, not together. There’s so much power there that it crackles in the air.
Is there any way that I can do this?
Just like being a child. Locked away and helpless. Disdained and reviled. Alone and unloved. Even the cell looks the same.
This is what love has reduced me to.
Damn it, I came so far . . .
All the way back to where I started.
~~~~
Chapter Nine
Home