I apologize for this chapter in advance. It broke my brain.

Chapter Thirteen

Wherever I am, it’s dark.

There’s nothing here, not below me or above me or to the side of me. Just blackness. And Tsuzuki. Standing in front of me. Tears pouring from his beautiful amethyst eyes.

He takes off his ring and hands it to me.

“What’s this for?” I ask him softly.

Tsuzuki leans forward and kisses my forehead. “For your sacrifice.”

~~~~

Crazy people don’t realize they’re crazy.

~~~~

Feel someone. Something. Hands. Lifting me up. Everything’s broken, disjointed, head aches. Too bright. Bright hurts my eyes and my head. Lifting me up. Whose hands? Don’t know. Can’t tell.
Feels like the world is sliding off my back

off my back and under my skin

Sort of like. Well. Like something anyway. Like shattered glass?
Yeah, think that’s it.



Tsuzuki?

That name means something, I know it. Safe. Here is safe. Am I safe? I don’t know, but I remember Tsuzuki. The name Tsuzuki. Safety. Safety and amethyst. Contradicting images. Black wings spread wide and embracing the world

the world

the world caught fire




Did I set the world on fire?

Did Tsuzuki?

Who is Tsuzuki?

Who am I?

Funny thing, that. I think most people know who they are. When they think at all. Should I not be thinking? Not be straining the shattered glass? Like a window. A jigsaw puzzle. Or maybe not, because I don’t think that actually makes very much sense.

Ryuushi. Another name. But this one sends shivers down my spine. Cold shivers, like ice. Frost. Watch the frost gather, sealing you inside yourself. Is that where I am? Inside myself?
Maybe there’s a place so deep inside each of ourselves that we don’t even recognize it when we get there. We lose ourselves along the way and are left in a void with nothing but shattered glass. Glass. Keep coming back to the glass. Why is there so much glass? Covered with frost.

deep inside myself

but I think I’d rather be deep inside someone else because it’s cold in here. So very cold. Why is it so cold?



ryuushi is cold

and he knows everything.

“Hisoka?”

Coming from miles away, through all the frost and ice, through all the shattered glass. The ceiling. The ceiling is shattered glass. I understand now, at least that much, but why is the ceiling shattered glass? And whose voice is that?

I recognize the voice, but it sounds wrong. It’s usually so full of love and caring, my name sounds like a caress

(My name? Is that what my name is?)
but now there’s fear, and it trembles. He’s scared (whoever he is) so I’m scared, and his voice trembles and so do I. Trembling. I can feel myself trembling, but I’m not here, wherever I am isn’t where the essence of me is. Is it possible to sever one’s soul from the body?

so strange to be disconnected like this I can feel him touching me but there’s no one here, not where I am. Which might be why I don’t know where I am? Maybe.

his hand on my face, just a light, reassuring caress

(so many memories)

And I can feel it, who I was trying to get to, trying to break through the shattered glass, to reach him to find him that’s all that’s important to me right now and it hurts

oh God it hurts so much

there’s so much fear in him, no matter how much he tries to hide it with love, no matter how much he tries not to be afraid I can HEAR him

(I’ve lost him forever I’ve killed him this is all my fault oh God how can I ever forgive myself please come back to me please please come back to me)

And I can hear myself screaming but I’m not screaming, not in here where I am
but it hurts so much it hurts it hurts IT HURTS

fading back into nothing. That gentle touch is gone, and while part of me is agonizing over the loss, another part sighs in relief. No more pain.





Not ever.

~~~~

Memory is such a funny thing, isn’t it? So filled with meaning, but only for one person. You can tell the funniest joke on earth, and someone is bound to give you a strange look. Which, of course, will be followed up by your comment. “You had to be there.”

was I there?

// “Then stay for my sake! I’m so tired of being alone... where I belong... is at your side...” //

Alone. It’s very lonely in here. But safe. So very safe, cradled in my own mind. Kept far away from all the things that can hurt me.

// “please... I need you...” //

and far away from all the things that could help me, as well.

// “can I... stay with you?” //

I can’t hear the voice behind those words anymore.

that’s the funny thing about memory, see?

it fades. And after a time . . .



it’s gone.

~~~~

Sometimes, when it’s been very dark and very quiet for a long while, I think I hear someone calling my name. Except I’ve forgotten what my name is, and I don’t know who would be calling me. But it doesn’t matter because I’m safe here, protected by all the layers of broken glass.

He’s reaching for me.

but I don’t know who he is.

~~~~

Memories. Shards of broken glass. Is each shard a memory? I don’t really see how that’s possible. But then again I don’t see a lot of things right now.

Reach up, touch a shard.

// “Such a scary child, it’s like he’s reading my mind”

“You’re not my son!”

All I ever wanted was for them to love me . . .//

Snatch my hand back. Reach out for another one.
// “I swear, by my blood, I am yours. Body and soul, forever and always.” //

No.

NO.

Tsuzuki . . .

do I love you?

I can’t remember.

But I do remember that reassuring caress
the promise of love, of warmth, of not having to be alone or so damn cold all the time

but I turned away from that promise because of the pain.

Tsuzuki . . .



why aren’t you coming for me?

~~~~

I can almost hear him, sometimes. But it isn’t him. Another familiar voice, calming, soothing. But not beloved. Trying to get me to come out.

If I’m not coming out for Tsuzuki, I’m sure as hell not coming out for anyone else

Besides, maybe that wasn’t Tsuzuki anyway. Still don’t quite remember. Remember Ryuushi though. Ryuushi is the reason it’s this cold. Does he still have me? Don’t know. Don’t know anything. Can’t escape, though. Wherever I am, I can’t get out. Is he holding me captive?

don’t know why but that makes me so scared

nothing but cold when I think of him

God please don’t let him still have me

and I shrink away from that voice and all the things the voice promises, all the safety because what if it’s really Ryuushi what if he’s just trying to trick me? what if he’s really here and I’m really there and he’s just trying to make me come out so he can hurt me some more



no more pain oh please no more pain I’m so afraid of him






promise me no more pain

promise me



PROMISE ME

just sink back into the darkness. stay here and nothing will hurt you, stay locked away inside this shattered glass and nothing can find you not even Ryuushi

not even Tsuzuki.

I do miss him so much

but

but there’s always that but

it’s so safe in here, so dark and quiet and safe, and as much as I miss him as much as I love him I don’t know, I won’t come out until I can know there Ryuushi isn’t there I can’t let him have me can’t let him can’t let him can’t let him

everything is dark and safe like a womb
except at the end of the womb there’s all the pain and mess that constitutes birth

and I don’t want to be reborn. Not if that’s the price.

~~~~

how can you be tired when you’re never properly awake? never properly asleep? Just drifting in a semi-coherent state in between all the time. That’s a good word for this, in between. I’m somewhere in between something . . . two things I guess. Me, myself, and I? Trapped out of mind, out of body, out of soul?

Or is this my soul?

It would help if I knew where I was.

~~~~

Damn voices keep coming back. No matter what I do. Hear them all the time, and they want me to come out. Screw them anyway. It’s too dark in here. I couldn’t find the way even if I wanted.

the only way out is up
through the ceiling, through the shards of glass




through my memories?

No. Nope, nope, nope. Staying here. Here in the dark and the quiet and the safe. Staying here. Can’t make me leave. They can’t make me leave!

can they?

sure hope not.

but those voices keep calling me and I want to go to them, I really do, want to accept all the things that could give me (warmth, love, happiness) but I’m just so scared and what if it’s all a trick and what if it’s Ryuushi I can’t go back to that

but Tsuzuki . . .

No buts. No. Staying here.

Reach up, take a shard.

// Dark bedroom and silence, except for breathing, wrapped in comfort and blankets and the warmth of someone’s arms. Moonlight shining in the window and the gentle sound of wind.

“Ne, Hisoka . . . you know I love you more than anything, right?” Soft voice, so familiar and so far away.

“Aa. I know.”

“And that I’ll never let you go or leave you alone or let anyone hurt you?”

A smile in the darkness.

“Aa. I know that too.” //

Hold the shard to my chest, hold it tight, treasure the memory of someone I don’t truly remember. Hold on to the warmth and the promise of more, but reject the warmth and the promise that’s offered.

hold on



just hold on.

~~~~

Why have the voices gotten so much clearer? I don’t like it. I don’t like being able to hear what they’re saying. I don’t like hearing the desperate, pleading note in that beloved voice. I don’t like being able to tell that the voice is beloved to begin with.

“Hisoka, please, please come back to me . . .”

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

I’m scared, it’s safe in here, just let me stay here

don’t want to come out what if it’s a trap I can’t be hurt anymore I can’t I can’t I don’t want to be hurt anymore

you promised that you wouldn’t let anyone hurt me

you promised





just let me stay here

“Hisoka, it’s all right, we’re safe now, please stop hiding away in here”

minutes tick by and turn into hours
how long? how long can I listen to this?

I’m sorry, Tsuzuki, I really am, but I can’t come out, I just can’t.



I do love you

Really

“Why won’t you come out?”

One single tear, falling through the glass and landing on my upturned face and I want to go to him but

// “I will reduce your mind to nothing but so much ashes” //

beautiful wings

// “I will feed off you until you’re nothing more than a broken little shell of what you are. even if you died, your mind would never recover from what I can do to it.” //



please just leave me alone




New voice. Familiar, but not as familiar as Tsuzuki’s.

“How can you do this to him? I know you can hear me, damn it! I know you’re in here somewhere! LOOK AT WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO HIM!”

Anger ripping through me tearing me apart

guilt (how can I ever forgive myself?)

What I’ve done to him.

Because of what he did to me.



Safe. Is it safe?

Can I do this?



Tsuzuki forgive me (and I’ll forgive you)

forgive yourself






stretch upwards

reach into the light.

~~~~

Chapter Fourteen
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