The Boundary
By Yume Arashi
To Joy, who believed that this was worth writing.
((Author's note -- this seems like a behind-the-scenes fic, but when you think about it, you realize that actually it's alternate reality. The further into it you get the more apparent this is; it doesn't go off the handle until very near the end, but it *is* alt reality, so no e-mails saying 'hey, that's not what happened!' I know – that's the point!))
Nuriko walked around his room, slowly unpacking his travel gear. The return from Taiitsukun's mountain had not been particularly pleasant; Hotohori and Tamahome had been too miserable at Miaka's absence to talk much, and Nuriko had been too afraid of incurring their anger to say anything. Nuriko didn't know how the others felt about his broken charade, and he wasn't particularly eager to find out. He thought back to his arrival at the palace, to the stares and snickers that had followed him to his room, where no servants waited to greet or help him. The two of them probably think I'm some sort of perverted weirdo; everyone else does. He winced at the thought. As soon as all this seishi stuff is over, I'm going as far away from here as I can possibly manage, to someplace where no one knows a damn thing about me, and no one cares. But then he remembered his love, and he growled at his own weakness. Even though whatever miniscule chance I might have had with Hotohori-sama just got blown sky-high along with my disguise, I still couldn't leave him if I tried. He threw a pile of lacy dresses into a corner with much more force than was necessary, then sighed again and muttered a few curses to himself as he looked through the rest of his clothing. I guess there's no point in pretending to be female anymore, now that everyone knows…Nuriko left the thought unfinished and went out to find some clothing more appropriate to his newly unmasked gender.
^^^^^
Hotohori frowned in annoyance and looked through his things for a third time. No matter how he searched, his hairbrush was simply nowhere to be seen. It must have gotten mixed up with someone else's things, he thought with irritation. That's the exasperating thing about travelling – everything is so disorganized. Granted, it wasn’t as if he didn’t have another one, but it was one more annoyance in what had already been a highly frustrating day. Sighing, he went to go ask the others if they had seen it.
A brief visit to Tamahome produced a sullen response. He'd already unpacked, and the brush hadn't turned up.
Hotohori stood hesitantly outside Nuriko's room. He'd never been in this wing of the palace before; despite certain traditions, he'd never felt any desire to frequent the women's quarters. And when I finally do come here, it's to visit a man… he thought ironically. The uncertainty of being in unfamiliar territory was certainly no worse than his uncertainty at facing his fellow seishi. Understanding Nuriko was hard enough when I thought he was a woman, but now what am I supposed to think?
Nuriko answered the door himself, and Hotohori was hard-pressed not to stare. The slender seishi had exchanged his elaborate dresses for a simple dark blue tunic with matching pants, and despite his delicate features and long purple braid, he now looked unmistakably male. How did I miss that? Hotohori wondered. How could I not have realized?
Nuriko hadn't been pleased at the idea of entertaining a visitor; he really would have preferred to be alone. And despite Nuriko's feelings for Hotohori, the emperor was just about the last person he wanted to see at the moment. I know I'd have had to explain everything sooner or later, he thought with a sigh, it's just that I was hoping it'd be later. "Please come in, Hotohori-sama. I hope you'll excuse the state of the room, I was in the middle of unpacking. What can I do for you?"
Hotohori dragged his attention away from Nuriko's drastically altered appearance and explained why he'd come. Nuriko frowned. "I haven't seen it, but I haven't gone through everything yet. If you'll have a seat, I'll look for it."
While Nuriko dug through his disordered belongings, Hotohori glanced around the room; partly out of curiosity, and partly to keep from staring at the other seishi. It was a small room, and simply furnished, but it had a comfortable air and gave token that the current chaos was an unusual state of affairs.
"Here it is. I'm sorry about that, I can't imagine how it would have gotten in with my things."
"No apologies necessary. These things happen." He turned to leave, but curiosity got the better of him, and he had to ask. "Nuriko…forgive me if I'm prying…but what happened?"
Here it comes. I knew it. Nuriko debated silently for a few minutes, trying to decide whether to just give the obvious answer or to actually explain. His desire not to keep his secret any longer won out, and he decided to tell Hotohori everything. Not that he'll thank me for that, but I'm tired of no one knowing. I just want someone to understand… He sighed and began speaking.
"I won't insult your intelligence with the obvious answer that there's no longer any point, now that everyone knows what I am." There was a note of bitterness in his voice. Or at least they think they do… "There's more to my decision than just that." He stood restlessly and went to the window. "I guess to really understand why I quit you'd have to understand why I did it in the first place." He looked over at Hotohori with a wry smile. "Something you're doubtlessly dying to find out anyhow, ne?"
Hotohori blinked. He'd been too shocked at finding out that Nuriko was a man to wonder at the 'whys' behind the masquerade, but now that Nuriko mentioned it, it was a damned good question. "I'm listening…"
That's more than most people do…Nuriko moved uneasily about the room as he spoke, putting things away, never looking Hotohori in the eye. "It's a bit of a long story…when I was younger, my sister Kourin and I looked a lot alike. Though she was a year younger than me, we were often mistaken for twins, and we were very close. We did everything together." He took a deep breath. "When I was ten, Kourin was killed, run over by a cart." Hotohori's eyes widened. "I was heartbroken. My parents told me the best thing to do would be to forget her, and that made me angry. To forget her, to deny her life and my love for her, was something I couldn't do. They told me she was gone, but I wouldn't accept that. I wished it were me who'd died." Nuriko's words came faster now, tumbling out after being held hidden for so long. "I decided I'd become her, live her life for her. It seemed so unfair that she'd never have a chance to do any of the things she'd wanted, so I decided to do them for her. She wouldn't be dead – she'd be me. Her spirit would live on through me. What became of Ryuuen didn't matter, as long as Kourin was still alive."
Ryuuen? Is that his name? I never knew… Nuriko had fallen silent, his story told, leaving Hotohori to reflect upon what he'd heard. A thought occurred to him, and he asked, "How did your parents react to that?"
Nuriko turned his memory-dark eyes away and answered very softly. "When beatings couldn't make me stop, they threw me out of the house."
Hotohori was stunned. They beat him?! He looked at the slender form standing at the window, imagining the delicate child Nuriko must have been. How could they? That's terrible!
As if reading Hotohori's thoughts, Nuriko spoke quietly. "I don't blame them. I can't imagine most parents would react any differently. After all," with self-contempt ringing clear in his voice, "who'd want an okama for a son? A cross-dressing little freak like me, what kind of a son is that?"
"Nuriko…"
Nuriko shrugged, the bitterness leaving him as suddenly as it had come. "I know that's what everyone thinks of me. It was one of my reasons for quitting; to go on would only have made things worse. But they don't understand, any of them. I'm not some perverted sicko who gets kicks out of flirting with other men. I just wanted something better for my sister than to have been crushed beneath a set of cart wheels before she had a chance to live her life. You want to know the real reason I look like this now? When I was being her, I could feel her spirit nearby. It was my way of keeping her close. But when all of you found out, everything shattered, and she was gone. Nothing I can say or do now will bring her back, so what's the point?" He struggled to hide the tears in his voice. "Maybe it never did…"
Hotohori was speechless. He realized how little he'd really known of Nuriko before now. How much courage must it have taken to keep going in the face of all that? Knowing what people think, when they're that wrong? How much must he have loved his sister to sacrifice his entire being, his whole identity, to dedicate every moment of his life to keeping her memory alive? How could he have kept his pain locked inside all those years, without a single soul he could talk to? I wish I'd known. I was just as quick to judge him as all the rest, never once stopping to think why he might be the way he was.
Nuriko still stood by the window, stiff and silent, clearly desiring to be alone. Hotohori murmured a word of thanks for his recovered hairbrush and discreetly left. It wasn't until after he'd gone that Nuriko allowed the tears to run freely down his cheeks.
^^^^^
Hotohori was surprised to see Nuriko attend the next day’s council meeting. He looked much as he had the day before, dressed in simple men's clothes. He ignored the looks the others gave him and took a seat at Hotohori's end of the table. Though he was no longer accepted by the court, his high-ranking position as a seishi gave him the right to be there – only Hotohori or Miaka had the status to tell him what he could or could not do. Hotohori watched him, wondering why he'd come. Is he mocking the court, asserting that he has nothing to be ashamed of, or simply showing that he won't be intimidated by ugly gossip? He had to admire Nuriko's audacity, to not only unabashedly show his face around the palace, but to actually attend council sessions like any other noble.
Nuriko was at council every day after that. Not only did he attend, but he refused to content himself with staying quiet and unobtrusive; though he never flagrantly threw his presence in the face of the rest of the council, he participated often, giving advice or opinion without hesitation. If fact, Hotohori was surprised to find Nuriko's advice often quite valuable; having lived most of his life outside the palace, he brought a perspective to the issues that the others lacked. As Hotohori grew to welcome his presence, Nuriko's acceptance by the others grew as well. Although they never welcomed him themselves, they did tolerate him, and it wasn't long before Nuriko was breaking tension and lightening seriousness with his cheerfully irreverent wisecracks. Somehow he always seemed to know when Hotohori had had enough, when the stress was getting to be too much, and he was always able to find just the right comment to relax the mood. After a few weeks, Hotohori began to wonder how he'd survived council sessions in the past without his friend.
^^^^^
Hotohori tried to mask his growing headache as he listened to the advisor blather on. The man was his oldest counselor; unfortunately, he was also the most pompous windbag among them. He had asked Hotohori to stay after the council meeting for the presentation of his report, and Hotohori was seriously starting to regret granting his request. Nuriko was pacing the back of the room restlessly. He probably wants his lunch as much as I do. Hotohori sighed and tried to feign interest in some charts the advisor had shoved in front of him. "For the love of Suzaku, will you just shut up?!" The exclamation startled both advisor and advisee. Nuriko was standing next to Hotohori, glaring at the long-winded lecturer. "Can't you see you're giving him a headache? You keep babbling on about things that haven't the slightest bit of importance to anyone but you, and every minute you go on is another minute we have to wait for our lunch. You're a pretentious peabrain who's irritating the hell out of him, only he's too polite to let it show. Now go away and leave the poor man in peace!"
It took all of Hotohori's self-control not to laugh at the astonishment on the advisor's face. After the man had left and the door was safely closed behind him, Hotohori grinned at Nuriko. "You know, I've always wanted to do that…"
Nuriko grinned back. "Better leave that part to me, Your Majesty. They already don't think much of me, so it doesn't matter if I annoy them. I don't think much of them, either…or hadn't you noticed?"
Hotohori shook his head at Nuriko's light-hearted impertinence but didn't bother to hide his smile. Nuriko saw this and decided to continue his teasing.
"They're all bad, but that old guy is unbelievable. In a room crammed full of overinflated egos, he's the worst of the lot. Once he gets talking, he forgets everything in the sound of his own voice and you practically have to hit him over the head before he'll shut up. 'Now, if we blah blah in the yak yak, we should be able to…'" Nuriko went into an imitation of the advisor which was really quite good. Hotohori couldn't help laughing, and the more he laughed, the more Nuriko made fun of the situation.
"Stop, stop! Enough already, my sides hurt!" Hotohori protested weakly, trying vainly to catch his breath. Nuriko subsided with a mischievous grin.
"Not bad, ne? Maybe I should go into acting…" He struck a melodramatic pose. "What do you think?"
Hotohori just shook his head, biting back a grin at the thought of Nuriko on stage. The scary part is that he'd probably be pretty good… Nuriko pouted for a second before switching gears. "Ne, Hotohori-sama, let's get out of here and get some fresh air. There's too much stuffiness in here from your learned advisor's lecture."
"What about lunch?"
"We can have it outside." Nuriko caught the attention of a passing servant and requested lunch for two in the gardens.
Hotohori sighed, "You know, I really should be eating with the rest of the court…"
Nuriko raised a delicate eyebrow. "Hotohori-sama, if you can manage to convince me that you really want to eat with that pack of arrogant asses, you're welcome to do so."
Hotohori laughed. "You're the actor, I'm just the emperor! There are some things even I can't do!"
"Exactly," Nuriko smirked.
The two found a quiet spot in the gardens and settled down to eat.
"It's a nice day, isn't it? Ne, Hotohori-sama, do you ever just take the time to come out here and enjoy the day? To just feel the breeze and sunshine?"
"You make it sound so simple," Hotohori replied with a wry smile, "To 'just' take the time. I wish it were that easy. But there's nothing more precious than my time; there's always someone needing some of it."
"That may be true, but the empire's not going to fall apart at the seams if you take a little time for yourself each day. It's admirable that you're devoted to the good of Konan, but don't lose sight of yourself in there. Be the emperor first if you must, but don't forget to be yourself somewhere."
Hotohori smiled. "As usual, good advice. Why is it that I always get the best advice from the one person who's not my advisor?" Nuriko blushed. "Still, I can't help thinking of the last time I tried for something that I wanted."
Nuriko winced. "Miaka?"
Hotohori nodded. "Hai. I did all I could to win her love, but still she left us."
"Hotohori-sama, you know that wasn't her fault. She was sick, she had to go home."
"I know, but it's been so long…"
"She made a promise to return, didn't she? Have faith in her – she'll be back any day now, as cheerful as ever and asking about dinner."
Hotohori smiled a little. "That's Miaka, all right. But sometimes I wonder if she'd choose me even then."
"Hotohori-sama…"
Hotohori smiled sadly. "You don't have to spare my feelings, Nuriko. I may be unobservant, but I'm not blind. I know she prefers Tamahome. It's almost funny – all those years of dreaming about Suzaku no Miko, and when she finally does show up, she's in love with another man. I wanted her to be real, not just a dream; and she is real, real enough to love someone else. Ironic, ne?"
Nuriko sat with his head bowed, wishing he had the courage to offer comfort to his beloved. "I'm sorry, Hotohori-sama. I wish there were something I could do."
"Don't feel bad, Nuriko – at least you honestly care about me. That's more than anyone else manages." He stood. "I should be getting back." He took a couple of steps toward the palace, then turned back. "And Nuriko…thank you. For listening, for caring," he smiled lopsidedly, "for getting me out of that damned meeting…thank you for everything. I'll see you later, ne?"
Hotohori went back inside, leaving Nuriko alone on the grass. 'At least you care about me'…He barely noticed the tears beginning to sting his eyes. More than you'll ever know, Hotohori-sama, more than you'll ever know…
^^^^^
Hotohori dismissed his advisors and went out to the gardens. He sat under the tree where he and Nuriko had talked that day and took a moment to appreciate the sunshine on his face. But without Nuriko there, it somehow seemed hollow. After Miaka had returned, she and Nuriko had gone to find Tamahome and bring him back to the palace.
Hotohori sighed. He'd been overjoyed at her return, and then practically the first thing she'd said was, "Where's Tamahome?" The wound to his pride he could live with, but he wished the ache in his heart would go away. I wish I could've talked to Nuriko before he left. He'd have understood. It wasn't until Nuriko had gone that Hotohori had realized how much his friend meant to him. He missed having someone he could talk to, someone with whom he was considered an equal. He missed Nuriko's bright smile, his easygoing good nature, his cheerful teasing, his readiness to listen, his quiet sympathy about Miaka. At every turn, his absence made itself felt, and Hotohori missed him more each day he was gone.
I never realized having a friend would mean so much. It's hard with him gone, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. They'll both be back soon, and then things will be fine. But Hotohori couldn't deny his anxiety about Miaka. If she finds Tamahome…then what? He'd been so broken up when she left, and although to her she'd only been gone a day, her long absence from this world had been hard on him. He really does love her, though he might not know it. If he realizes it, if he tells her, I'll lose all hope of ever winning her. Hotohori shifted restlessly. Dammit, if I could just *talk* to someone about this… But the only person Hotohori wanted to talk to was Nuriko, and he was with Miaka. Hotohori growled in frustration and stood. His swordsmanship wouldn't hurt for a little practice, and right now abusing the hell out of an inanimate object seemed extremely appealing to him.
^^^^^
"She did what?!"
Nuriko winced. He'd known that bringing Hotohori-sama the news of Miaka's disappearance wouldn't be pleasant, but still… He accepted Hotohori's dressing-down without a word, then watched silently as the emperor lost an argument with his advisors about going to Kutou to find her. After Hotohori had left the room, Nuriko departed as well, fighting back tears. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but not like this! Nuriko told himself that it wasn't Hotohori's fault, he hadn't meant to yell at him, he was just upset – but true or not, somehow the knowledge didn't help much. He dried his eyes and went to his room to unpack.
^^^^^
Hotohori paced around his quarters angrily. In the privacy of his room, he'd vented his ire on a couple of innocent pillows, but that hadn't improved his mood much. What the hell was the little idiot thinking to go off by herself like that? And straight into enemy territory, no less! Sometimes I wonder if she has any functional brain cells at all! I can't believe I'm in love with her! She may be sweet and she may be pretty, but she's a goddamn moron! If I weren't the emperor I'd go in there and drag her out by her stupid ponytails! Hotohori continued pacing, muttering curses and other uncomplimentary things to himself until he'd calmed down a bit. At least she has Tamahome and the new seishi to look after her. Chichiri, wasn't it? Nuriko said he's a powerful mage. Miaka should be fine. He thought back to Nuriko's report…and his reaction to it. I was much too hard on him. I shouldn't have said any of that, really. It just figures – all that time I miss him and can't wait for him to get back, and the first thing I do when he does show up is yell at him. Hotohori sighed and went to apologize to his friend.
^^^^^
Between his worries about Miaka and his distress at Hotohori's anger, Nuriko didn't immediately hear the soft knock on his door. When he answered it, he was surprised to see Hotohori on the other side, looking contrite. "May I come in?"
"Of course..."
Hotohori was uncomfortable, being unused to apologies. "I…I just wanted to say…about what I said earlier…I shouldn't have said that. It wasn't fair to you, this wasn't your fault. I'm sorry." He looked up to meet Nuriko's eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I was upset, I wasn't thinking." He looked away again. "If it makes any difference, it's good to have you back. I missed having a friend around."
Nuriko smiled, feeling a quick thrill of elation run through him at Hotohori's words. He missed me! Then, seeing that Hotohori was still waiting for his reply, "I understand. It's only natural you'd be upset, and I know you didn't mean any harm. It's just…" His smile faded and he dropped his eyes. "Miaka's become like a sister to me. If anything happened to her, I'd feel like it was my fault, that I didn't protect her. That's what being a seishi is all about, right? It's my purpose in life. But to have failed her like that…it would be like Kourin all over again, and I don't know if I could handle that."
I never thought of it like that…Hotohori felt even worse about having lost his temper. He went over to his friend and rested a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Nuriko. She'll be fine. Tamahome's not going to let anything happen to her. He and Chichiri will bring her back safe and sound. As cheerful as ever and asking about dinner, ne?" Hotohori thought briefly how backwards it was for him to be reassuring Nuriko that Miaka would be fine. Nuriko looked at his friend and smiled shakily.
"Of course…"
^^^^^
"I love her, and I won't just give her up for anyone." The words that had broken Hotohori's last hope for the love of his dreams echoed cruelly in his ears as he stood looking out at the night. His only hope of her had been if Tamahome didn't want her, and now he did. She loved him, and now that he'd declared his love for her, any chance Hotohori might have had was gone. He tried to ignore the crushing ache in his heart as his dreams dissolved around him, but even the self-control of an emperor couldn't hide the pain of a broken-hearted young man, and Hotohori felt tears begin to fill his eyes. But I can't cry! I'm the emperor, I can't be seen bawling like a child with a broken toy! He looked around to see whether anyone had observed him, but only the deserted gardens met his eye, their empty pathways ghostly in the moonlight. If I go there, I can cry all I want and no one will see me. But even as he sought solitude in the gardens' silver silence, there was a part of him that wished he didn't have to be alone.
^^^^^
Nuriko couldn't sleep. He'd tossed and turned for a while before deciding that a walk around the gardens might help. He hadn't been there long when the quiet sound of muffled tears caught his attention. Who could be crying out here so late at night? He started toward the sound, but nothing in his imagination could have prepared him for the sight of his beloved emperor, curled up beneath a tree and sobbing bitterly.
"Hotohori-sama?"
Hotohori spun around, horrified and humiliated at being seen in such a state. But it was a pair of familiar violet eyes, gentle and concerned, that met his and Hotohori relaxed, recognizing his friend.
"Nuriko…"
"What's wrong, Hotohori-sama? What happened?" Nuriko knelt next to Hotohori, reaching out to softly caress the dark, silken hair.
"She loves him, not me, she's never loved me. And now he loves her, he's said so, she'll never love me…" Hotohori's voice crumbled into tears, and Nuriko pulled him into a gentle hug. Hotohori clung to his friend and wept with all his shattered heart. "I don't want to be alone anymore, Nuriko…"
"Hotohori-sama, you're not alone, you have me. I'm here for you, I'll always be here for you." Even if you'll never want me…
Hotohori wept for a long time as Nuriko soothed and comforted him. After a while, his crying slowed to a stop and he sighed. He rested his head against Nuriko's shoulder, empty of tears but still heartsore.
"All I've ever wanted is just for someone to love me. Why is that so much to ask?"
"It isn't, Hotohori-sama…" Nuriko hesitated for a moment, torn between the wish to console, the desire to finally just say it, and common sense. Oh, hell, he'll never remember anyhow, he's too tired… "I love you."
Hotohori stared at his friend. "Nuriko, you…"
Nuriko gave his beloved a sad smile. "Don't worry about it, Hotohori-sama. I value our friendship far too much to ever ruin it with something like this. You can forget I said anything; I won't ever mention it again. I just thought you might like to know that there is someone out there who cares, who loves you…"
Hotohori lay still, quiet with utter shock. It can't be, it's impossible, I…he shook his head. I'm too tired to deal with this now, I just want to go to sleep and forget all about it.
Nuriko pushed away his pain. You always knew it'd be like this. How can you be surprised? "Gomennasai, Hotohori-sama. You must be tired. I'll see you back to your quarters, if that is your wish."
Hotohori simply nodded and allowed Nuriko to help him back to his rooms. Once there, he fell into an exhausted sleep much too quickly to notice Nuriko's tears as he quietly slipped from the room.
^^^^^
Hotohori awoke slowly the next morning, his mind taking a few minutes to readjust to consciousness. Then the memory of the previous night returned, and his thoughts scattered into chaos. I've lost the girl of my dreams for good, and my best friend's in love with me. He flipped onto his stomach with a groan. The thought of facing either of them this morning just didn't appeal to him. But he was the emperor, and simply lying in bed hiding from the world was a luxury he was most definitely not allowed. Cursing his fate with a creativity and color that would have shocked his advisors, he rose and dressed.
As he approached the dining room, he could already hear Miaka's cheerful voice bouncing down the hallway. He grimaced. I'm really not in the mood for this…But to his surprise, breakfast was not the ordeal he'd expected it to be. For one thing, Nuriko wasn't there. Lucky Nuriko, he can sleep in if he wants… But what really made the meal easier for Hotohori than he'd expected was his lack of pain at being around Miaka. Since he'd expected his heart to curl into a painful little knot at the mere sight of her, he was understandably startled to find that he didn't react to her at all. Even the sight of her snuggling with Tamahome didn't hurt. To say that Hotohori was puzzled would have been an understatement. Nuriko would know, I could ask him about it after the council meeting. But… Truth be told, Hotohori was more than a little nervous about approaching his friend after last night. But he promised never to let his feelings interfere with our friendship, he said it wouldn't matter…
As it turned out, Nuriko wasn't at the meeting, either. Hotohori was beginning to be worried; since Nuriko had started attending council sessions, he hadn't missed a single day. In the end, Hotohori's concern outweighed his nervousness. I'll have to go and see him after this…I hope everything's ok…
^^^^^
Nuriko was not okay. After escorting Hotohori to his quarters, Nuriko had returned to his own room to spend a sleepless night in self-recrimination and tears. Unable to remain still for any length of time, he'd tossed and turned, getting up every five minutes to pace restlessly for a while, until he'd worked himself into a fever. It was dawn when he'd finally collapsed into bed, thoroughly wretched, without the slightest intention of coming out any time that day.
A knock on his door pulled him out of his misery, wondering who it could be. Probably Miaka, perkily wondering where I've been all morning. He did not relish the thought, but he called for his visitor to come in anyhow.
Of all the possibilities, Hotohori was the last person he'd expected to see.
"Ohayo, Nuriko. I didn't see you this morning, so I thought I'd come see how you were." Hotohori spoke quietly, but his voice betrayed his concern. Nuriko's usual care for his appearance was totally absent this morning; he lay in bed, pale and drawn, with dark hollows beneath his eyes. "You don't look at all well, are you ill?"
Nuriko shrugged, averting his eyes so as not to look at his friend. Hotohori sat on the bed next to him and gently touched a hand to Nuriko's forehead, frowning as he felt the intensity of the fever.
"Hasn't anyone been here to take care of you? You're much too sick to have been left alone all this time." Hotohori dipped a cloth in the basin of water that stood nearby and began rinsing Nuriko's face. The thought of his friend lying alone and suffering the whole morning long twisted at his heart.
Nuriko smiled painfully and turned his face away. "And who did you think was going to come? It's not as if there's anyone that would care."
Hotohori stared at his friend. He'd seldom seen Nuriko this bitter before. Is that what he thinks? That no one cares about him? He was startled to see a tear slip down Nuriko's cheek. But he never cries. He's always the strong one... The thought made him pause. How hard has it been for him, always being strong for me? What has it cost him to hide what he feels for me, thinking that if he ever let it slip I'd end up hating him? To be my friend and nothing more, wouldn't that hurt him as much as it hurt me when I tried to be nothing more than a friend to Miaka?
Hotohori gently turned Nuriko's face back to him, wiping away his tears. He looked at his friend and saw familiar pain in Nuriko's eyes. "I care, Nuriko."
Nuriko raised his tear-stained gaze to meet Hotohori's golden eyes. There was still trust in them. "Hotohori-sama…" He tried in vain to hold back the tears now falling faster. But it's never enough, why can't it ever be enough? Why can't I be satisfied with just your friendship? Why did I have to be in love with you? He curled into a ball, trying to hide from his pain.
Hotohori was surprised to feel tears stinging his eyes. Suddenly, last night didn't matter anymore, and all that was important was comforting his beloved friend. He pulled Nuriko into a close embrace, letting him sob against his chest. "It's all right to cry, Nuriko. You don't always have to be strong…" Nuriko's anguish tore at Hotohori's own heart. How could I not see how much you were suffering? You hid your pain behind such a bright smile I never knew. You masked your true feelings with friendship, and I never guessed at what was going on behind those smiling eyes. You've been such a good friend to me, the first real friend I ever had…and now you're hurting and there's nothing I can do.
Eventually Nuriko cried himself out and rested against Hotohori, wishing the innocent embrace meant something more. But then, I've never been much good at facing reality, he thought darkly, why start now? Hotohori simply held him, stroking his tangled purple hair, wondering that such a frail body could hold such strength. "You should get some rest, Nuriko. You're tired out and very sick. I'll stay with you until you're feeling better, all right?" Under different circumstances Nuriko would have been surprised at the offer, but now, too spent to question anything, he just nodded and lay back down, falling almost instantly into fevered dreams.
Hotohori watched him sleep, shadows and emotions chasing each other across the delicate face. Occasionally Nuriko would moan with the pain of his illness, sending echoing pains through his friend's heart. He looks so fragile…The doctor that Hotohori had sent for came by, and assured him that Nuriko would be fine once he'd gotten some rest. Hotohori settled down to keep vigil over his friend, pondering all that had happened.
^^^^^
When Nuriko awoke the next morning, he was surprised to find Hotohori asleep in a chair next to his bed. His memory of the previous day was fever-blurred, but he remembered enough to make him blush, as he recalled Hotohori holding him while he cried. I can't believe he'd do that, knowing how I feel. He remembered the trust in his friend's eyes when Hotohori had told him he still cared. How can he, when he knows? How can he still trust me to be just his friend? Nuriko sighed and rolled over. I shouldn't question a miracle. If he's still willing to be my friend, if he hasn't rejected me, I should accept it, no questions asked. And if he trusts me, I'd damn well better be able to live up to that trust.
Nuriko's restlessness woke Hotohori. "Good morning, Nuriko. It's good to see you looking well again."
"Thank you, Hotohori-sama." Nuriko blushed and looked down. "You didn't have to stay with me."
Hotohori regarded his friend's downturned eyes. "Nuriko, look at me."
Nuriko shifted uncomfortably but didn't raise his eyes. Hotohori put a finger beneath Nuriko's chin and lifted his face to meet his gaze. "Nuriko, you're still my friend. I want you to know that. I don't really know how I should react to your feelings for me, but that doesn't mean I'm going to push you away because of them. You're my best friend, and I care about you far too much to lose you over something like this. If you want some distance, I understand. I can't insist that you be my friend; it wouldn't be fair of me to force you into a position you're not comfortable with, and above all I don't want to hurt you." Hotohori's voice caught, and he pulled his friend into a fierce hug. "But I don't want to lose you, either. You mean so much to me, Nuriko..."
Nuriko had never expected such words from Hotohori, and though he tried to keep himself from hoping too much, his heart still brightened. He put his arms around Hotohori to return the hug. "Don't worry, Hotohori-sama. You won't lose me, I promise. Didn't I say I'd always be here for you?"
Hotohori nodded and rested his cheek against Nuriko's hair. "Thank you…"
The two friends stayed like that for a long time.
^^^^^
"Ne, Nuriko, can I ask you something?"
"Sure. What's the question?"
"I've been meaning to ask you about this, but I keep forgetting. I can't figure it out -- it doesn't hurt me to be around Miaka anymore. Even when she and Tamahome are being affectionate, it doesn't bother me. I'm not complaining, I just don't understand why that's so."
Nuriko smiled. "And you assumed I would?"
Hotohori blushed. "Well…"
Nuriko laughed. "Sorry, I couldn't resist teasing you just a bit. Actually, I do have an idea of why that might be."
"Well? Let's hear it, don't keep me in suspense." Hotohori was glad of the fact that their friendship hadn't been changed by what had passed between them. Well, in all honesty, it had -- just not in a bad way. The fear of losing one another had drawn the two of them closer, and the distance that had threatened never came to pass; nor had they lost the lightness that had always brightened their relationship. Hotohori wondered sometimes why it didn't bother him more that Nuriko loved him; but then, perhaps it made sense – he had wanted to be loved. As to his own feelings for Nuriko, he tended not to think too hard about them. He wondered briefly whether this was because he was worried about what he might find if he did, but then he promptly dismissed the thought. Masaka! Of course I don't think about how I feel -- why think about something that's already settled? He's just my friend, that's all. Besides, for the emperor to be in love with another man would be utterly futile. Even if I did feel that way, I could never legitimately return his feelings. I have to marry some princess and provide an heir to my throne. He opted not to consider why that thought hurt more than usual, choosing instead to concentrate on Nuriko's answer.
"Miaka broke your heart. If you looked at your feelings, you'd probably find that you don't love her anymore. Your heart is free now. You see, love can only withstand so much abuse before it dies. A broken heart can never belong to anyone but its owner."
"I'm free?" Hotohori contemplated this. "You know, you're right," he said almost wonderingly. "I don't love her anymore. I really am free…" Suddenly he grinned. "I'm free!" He laughed aloud. It felt wonderful.
Nuriko laughed with him, glad to see his beloved so happy for a change. It was good to know he was free of the heartbreak that had saddened him for so long.
Hotohori looked at his friend thoughtfully. "You know, it was a mistake, chasing after dreams all those years. Looking back on it, I realize I was being unrealistic. Just because she's from another world, that's not much of a basis on which to decide you love someone, don't you think? You need something more..."
Nuriko smiled. "I've always thought that. When you love someone, that means being with them forever, right?" Hotohori nodded. "So, it only makes sense to be in love with someone you know you get along with. It's much wiser to love someone you're compatible with than someone you simply think is good-looking. Love without friendship isn't very stable, I think." Then, a little ruefully, he added, "Not that common sense has ever had any say in affairs of the heart. I'd hate to try to follow my own advice where love's concerned."
"But you're in love with me, and I'm your friend, so isn't that following your own advice?" Nuriko didn't quite know how to react to that. He hadn't intended to ever mention his feelings again, and he certainly hadn't considered that Hotohori might bring up the subject of his own free will. But to his surprise, Hotohori seemed almost…curious about the idea. Nuriko decided he might as well be open about his feelings; since Hotohori already knew of their existence, what harm could honesty do?
"Well, that doesn't quite count, since I wasn't yet your friend when I fell in love."
"What made you fall in love with me?"
Nuriko supposed it was a natural question – of course Hotohori wanted to know – but it didn't make answering any easier. "At first the attraction was part of my role-playing, something Kourin would have done." Hotohori frowned a little, and Nuriko couldn't help smiling at this. "But the better I got to know you, the more I saw of your good qualities. Of course I noticed your looks, but what really drew me to you was your personality -- your gentle kindness, your selfless dedication to your people, your strength of heart. Maybe that's upsetting for someone who prides himself on his beauty as much as you do, but it's the truth."
"You think that's upsetting to me? I spent years wishing someone would notice my personality. Most people never see past the handsome face or the robes of office. I can't tell you how sick I am of swooning ladies and flattering lords, all of whom want something from me. You're the first person I've ever met who looked at the man behind the emperor's mask, who looked for the soul beyond the beautiful face, who cared about Saihitei instead of about His Imperial Majesty. You've never asked anything of me, even though you love me. You give where the others only take. You listen to me when I'm worried or annoyed, you cheer me up when I'm tense or unhappy. No matter what happens, I know I can count on your support, your advice, your friendship…and your love."
Nuriko was blushing furiously and studying the ground quite intently. "Hotohori-sama, I…I don't know what to say…"
Hotohori smiled gently and gave his friend a hug. "You don't have to say anything. I don't think I've ever told you what a good friend you've been to me, and I just wanted to tell you that I won't ever take you for granted. You mean the world to me."
Nuriko returned the hug shyly before pulling away, and Hotohori let him go, wondering why he suddenly felt he'd have liked to hold him a little longer. Well, it just feels good to hold a warm, soft body in your arms, that's all. It would feel just as nice no matter who you were hugging… He was spared further consideration of the issue when Nuriko, uncomfortable with the silence, resumed speaking.
"You know something strange, though? It was your loneliness that touched me the most. You were so alone, it just cried out to me." Nuriko paused, then added softly, "I guess it was because I felt the same way."
"You were lonely?" Hotohori was surprised.
"Very much so. Remember, I was still trying to be Kourin at the time. I couldn't let anyone close to me for fear I'd be found out. I'd had no friends since I left home."
"All those years, you didn't have anyone at all?" Was that what drew us together? Something inside each of us recognizing a kindred spirit, a shared pain?
Nuriko shook his head, but answered, "That was long ago. I have friends now, my fellow seishi; and in you I've found my best friend."
Hotohori couldn't help but notice the wistfulness Nuriko tried so hard to conceal. The sadness behind the soft violet eyes and the laughter he so often used to hide his pain always made Hotohori wish there were something he could do. He wanted so much to take away Nuriko's pain, to see a true smile of joy on his beautiful features. But I can't, it's impossible -- even if I weren't emperor, he's still another man... But why did it hurt so much to know he could never make Nuriko happy?
Afraid of his own heart, he turned his thoughts back to an earlier part of their conversation, to a question that had crossed his mind at something Nuriko had said. "Ne, Nuriko, I was wondering…"
"Nani?"
Hotohori frowned. "You said that love can only withstand so much abuse, right?"
"Hai…"
"Well, all this time you've been in love with me, and yet you've never had any reason to hope I might ever love you back. I know from my own experience how hard that can be -- but I thought you still loved me anyway. Am I wrong? Have you given up on me?" Why the hell am I hoping the answer's no? Why should I care? In fact, shouldn't I be hoping he has? Wouldn't that make life so much simpler for both of us?
Nuriko gave his friend a slightly lopsided smile. "I guess I'm just stubborn. It's true that it's more than most people would put up with -- for that matter, I'm not sure why I do -- but the fact of the matter remains that I do still love you." He turned away and added quietly, "Even when I wish I didn't."
Hotohori fought back a sudden need to wrap comforting arms around the smaller seishi. "Nuriko…"
Nuriko stood abruptly. "I'd better get going. We've been out here a while, and I've some things I need to do." Before Hotohori could say anything, his friend disappeared indoors, leaving him to ponder the mysteries of life, love, and happiness.
^^^^^
Miaka, Tasuki, and Chichiri returned from Kutou with the worst of news – Tamahome had turned traitor, breaking Miaka's arm and almost killing Tasuki. Miaka spent hours sobbing against Hotohori's chest for the loss of her beloved. Two days later, she nearly succeeded in drowning herself in the river before Hotohori pulled her out.
Nuriko waited impatiently with the other seishi for word of her condition, trying not to think about Hotohori watching over her. I know he said he doesn't love her anymore, but… He shook his head. He was acting like a jealous teenager, for Suzaku's sake! You'd think I actually had some sort of claim on the man, he thought bitterly. If she decides to go for him now that she's lost Tamahome, and if he decides he wants to love her after all, I should be happy for them. The unlikelihood that he would be able to do so was not lost on him, but he turned it aside the thought of it with more pressing concerns.
^^^^^
Hotohori watched over his sleeping Miko, thinking of her words to him earlier. She'd woken briefly, after he'd gotten her safely back to the palace, and she'd told him that since she'd been abandoned by Tamahome, she could now try to return his feelings for her. But just as he had once been surprised at his absence of pain around her, he was now astonished by his lack of excitement at her declaration. My perfect woman, the girl I've dreamed of for years, just told me she'll love me, even marry me if I so choose -- and it just doesn't feel right. I should be ecstatic. I've finally won, haven't I? Why doesn't it make me happy? He knew, really, what it was. Nuriko had been right – his broken heart, that he'd so long ago given to Suzaku no Miko, had returned into his own keeping. He didn't love her anymore. And what was more, he realized now that a life with her wouldn't make him happy. She wasn't the one he wanted. He remembered Nuriko's words on love and friendship. I do care for Miaka, but would we really get along if we were married? He had to admit to himself that the answer was no. Hell, I'd be better off spending the rest of my life with Nuriko… Hotohori banished the thought before it was even fully formed.
But despite his doubts, the thought of having won his ideal woman was seductive, and for a moment he considered what his life would be like with a loving Miaka at his side -- his dreams finally come true, each long-held wish fulfilled. He almost smiled… but then he thought of Nuriko. The image of his friend trying desperately to be happy for them despite his own agony stood with heartbreaking clarity in Hotohori's mind, and he winced. How could I do that to him? The thought of his friend's pain woke an answering ache in his own chest, and suddenly the thought of a life with Miaka was unbearable to him.
But neither could Hotohori forget Miaka's own tears of heartbreak when she'd told him about Tamahome. To push her away now, how cruel would that be? He thought back to her pale, pain-filled face, trying to imagine the despair that had driven her to seek heart's ease in the river's depths. To add to that pain…How could I do that to her?
Hotohori's head was starting to ache. What do I do? If I accept her, I'll be breaking Nuriko's heart as well as consigning myself to a marriage I don't want; but if I reject her, to be turned away so suddenly by both the men she cares about would be terrible for her. He swore quietly to himself. If only there were a way to handle this without hurting anyone…
^^^^^
The minute Mitsukake came to stay with Miaka, Hotohori excused himself, heading for the room where Mitsukake told him he could find the others. As soon as he came in, several pairs of anxious eyes turned towards him.
"Mitsukake says she'll be fine, she just needs to rest. He's staying with her." His announcement was greeted with general relief. Hotohori went over to Nuriko, whose violet eyes held a question he could not quite interpret. "Will you walk with me?"
Nuriko nodded and followed him out of the room. When they'd reached a place where they could speak in private, he turned to Hotohori. "What's troubling you?"
"Miaka said she'd try to love me, now that she's said goodbye to Tamahome." Nuriko's eyes widened, and Hotohori didn't miss the fear that flashed through them. "I don't know what to do. I don't love her anymore, and though it's hard to let go of my dreams, I really can't picture spending the rest of my life with her. But on the other hand, I'm afraid of what she'd do if I rejected her. She's already tried suicide once because of Tamahome -- I don't want to be the reason she tries again. What can I do?"
Nuriko thought for a few minutes. "I see your difficulty. The only advice I can give you is to be honest. I know you don't want to hurt anyone, but you have to be true to yourself. Take some time to listen to your feelings, find out for certain what you really want and where your heart lies. If you find that you truly don't love her, then you need to tell her that."
"'Don't forget to be yourself?'" Hotohori asked with a dark smile.
"Hotohori-sama, you are responsible for no one's actions but your own. You are responsible for no one's feelings. All you can do is be honest about your own. Even though she may be hurt by the truth, a lie would only hurt her more in the long run."
Hotohori sighed. "I think I'm going to go lock myself in my room for a few days."
Nuriko gave him a sympathetic smile. "Good luck."
^^^^^
Hotohori had gone back to his room to think. He'd decided that what Nuriko had said about listening to his heart was good advice, and he intended to try it. It's about time I figured out what the hell was going on with my heart, anyhow. I don't think I've ever understood it, really. He flopped tiredly onto his bed to think. The trouble was, he didn't really know where to start. How does one go about examining one's feelings? He tried to concentrate on his emotions, but however hard he tried to focus, his thoughts strayed to Nuriko. Spending time with his friend, learning to enjoy the sunshine, laughing at his advisors, simply relaxing together. He missed those quiet times, the pleasant hours they'd spent together. What was it about Nuriko that made him happy just to be with him? And why did his heart ache at those memories?
Even through the hard times, he's been a blessing to have near me… He thought of the night when his world had fallen to pieces around him, when he'd realized he'd never have a chance with Miaka. He'd never felt so terribly alone, and even now he shivered at the memory. But you were there, Nuriko, just when I needed you most. He remembered Nuriko holding him, drying his tears, comforting him without a word of judgement. And he remembered the next day as well -- cradling Nuriko's frail, fevered body in his arms as his friend wept for a love he knew was impossible. A rush of fierce affection swept through Hotohori, and in shock he came face to face with the truth he'd denied for so long.
His problem wasn't that he didn't love Miaka, though that was true.
It wasn't that accepting her would hurt his friend, though that was true as well.
The problem was, quite simply, that he loved Nuriko.
^^^^^
Hotohori had still been trying to figure out what to do about his inconvenient emotions when his guards brought the news of Tamahome's return and of his intent to kill Miaka. With all the irrationality of the supremely frustrated, Hotohori thought that this was all Tamahome's fault -- if he hadn't betrayed Miaka, the whole question would never have come up. It made sense, in a bizarre sort of way.
After Tamahome was defeated, he and Miaka's love for each other broke the spell that had turned him against them. He returned to his true nature and was healed by Mitsukake. As the couple embraced ardently, Hotohori thought dryly, Well, at least that problem sorted itself out on its own. The joyful group moved to go back inside, and Hotohori noticed Nuriko's still-pale face. Was he worried about me? The idea woke a spark of happiness in him, even though the thought of facing Nuriko after his recent revelation was terrifying to him. This is crazy! I can't be in love with him! He's a man, and I'm not only another man but the emperor as well! What the hell am I supposed to do?!
Hotohori stayed away from Nuriko that night, as well as most of the next day. He was wandering around the gardens that evening, still trying to figure out what to do, when he caught sight of a familiar figure nearby. Nuriko's back was to him, and Hotohori couldn't help but go a little closer to the man he now knew he loved. Perhaps Nuriko heard a sound behind him, or perhaps it was instinct, but when Hotohori was just a few feet away, Nuriko turned around. His wounded violet eyes held pain in them that ripped knifelike through Hotohori's heart. "Nuriko…"
"Kotei-heika." To hear Nuriko address him so formally was a slap in the face, and Hotohori's thoughts stumbled blindly beneath the blow.
"Nuriko, I've…"
"Been avoiding me." It was not a question. Nuriko looked up then, and anger and anguish twisted together in his eyes. "You have no right. Maybe you figure you're the emperor and you can do what you damn well please, but you're also my friend, and friends don't do that to one another. Or was I wrong about that?" Heedless in his agony, Nuriko lashed out bitterly, and Hotohori could only stare. "If I've done something to offend you, that's understandable, and I'll make amends for it if I can, but you can't just turn your back on me, you owe me more than that!" Nuriko's voice broke, his anger disappearing. "At least tell me what I've done wrong, at least tell me why you won't have anything to do with me. I thought you cared, I really thought you did…"
Nuriko's tears snapped Hotohori out of his shock. At one stride, he was with his beloved, holding him, desperate to stop the pain that mirrored his own. "Nuriko, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was hurting you. I just didn't know what to do, I was afraid…" I love you so much, and I don't know what to do about it…"Please don't cry, I didn't mean to hurt you…"
Nuriko blinked back his tears. "You were afraid? Of what?"
Hotohori buried his face in Nuriko's hair. "Of loving you…"
Nuriko was sure his heart stopped. "Of…loving me?" I can't have heard that right…
Hotohori nodded without raising his head.
Nuriko pulled away from him, eyes flickering with something his friend couldn't name. "Perhaps we could discuss this indoors? The gardens aren't the best place for this kind of thing."
Hotohori led the way to a quiet drawing room nearby, where he knew they weren't likely to be disturbed. He closed the door and turned to Nuriko, not quite certain what to say.
But Nuriko had a question for him. "Are you sure?"
Hotohori couldn't keep a wry smile from his face. "You advised me to figure out where my heart lay, and I did. I don't suppose I need to tell you that it was a surprise to find that I loved you." He grew serious. "I had always thought you were just a friend. A good friend, and one I cared about deeply, but no more. But when you think about it, who decides the boundary between friendship and love? When does loving someone as a friend become something more? Somewhere, I crossed a line, and I can't go back to what we were. It scares me a little that I feel this way, but I'm not going to deny my feelings. You deserve better than that – and so do I. I don't know what we can or should do now, but I want you to know that I love you very much, and nothing would make me happier than to be with you the rest of my life."
"Why the uncertainty, then?" Nuriko smiled bitterly. "Is it the moral or the practical considerations of loving another man that are troubling you?"
"You're not being fair! You know as well as anyone that I didn't ask to be the emperor. 'Be the emperor first if you must, but remember to be yourself somewhere too', remember? I'm trying to figure out how to follow my heart without total disregard for my imperial responsibilities, and it's not easy."
Nuriko bowed his head. "I'm sorry. You're right, it was unfair of me." He looked up at Hotohori. "I guess it's just that I can't help thinking it's all some cruel illusion, that any minute I'll wake up and things will be back to the way they were. I've loved you so long without the slightest hope that you'd ever feel anything in the least for me. How can I believe right away that this is real?"
Hotohori went over and hugged his beloved. "I understand. All I can tell you is that I really do love you." His face hardened. "And I won't turn my back on that for duty's sake. You mean more to me than anything I could imagine, and I'm not going to give you up because it's the 'proper' thing to do. We'll figure something out."
Nuriko smiled darkly. "Where's the problem? Every other emperor ever born has had lovers by the dozen, why shouldn't you get one? Just because that one happens to be male…"
Hotohori blinked. He'd certainly never looked at it that way before! Still, he had to admit Nuriko had a point…he imagined his advisors' reactions and bit back a grin. "My advisors would sure love that, ne? Can you imagine them trying to come to grips with having an okama for an emperor?" He laughed. "They'd blow their collective stack!"
Nuriko grinned. "You're the emperor, for Suzaku's sake! If you want me for a lover who's gonna say no? If the council doesn't like it you can do like you've always wanted and tell them to go…" Hotohori laughed and put his hand over Nuriko's mouth before he could finish that thought.
But then he sobered. "But what about an heir? It's one thing to thumb my nose at the council, but Konan needs an heir to the throne. I can't possibly shirk that. As much as I dislike the idea, I'm going to have to marry one of the court ladies whether I love you or no."
Nuriko shrugged. "I've known that from the beginning. I gave up any chance I had for anything even resembling a 'legitimate' marriage to you the day I cast off Kourin's ghost and became myself again. I certainly don't envy you your duty, but I don't resent it, either. What does love have to do with most royal weddings, anyhow? The question is whether you can accept the concept of a forced marriage."
Hotohori laughed. "You're being naïve, Nuriko. Remember what you were saying about 'knowing from the beginning'? I've known all my life I'd be chained to a mere prearranged political match. That's something that would happen regardless of whether or not there was anything between us." He pulled Nuriko closer. "But if I have you, none of that matters. I don't look forward to it, but if you love me, that's all I'll ever need."
"Hotohori-sama…"
"Please…Ryuuen…for you, the name is Saihitei," Hotohori gently corrected him.
"Saihitei…" Nuriko rested his head against Hotohori's chest. A soft, bright smile was starting across his face as he truly began to believe. "You're right. As long as we love each other, nothing else matters."
Hotohori gently tilted Nuriko's face to smile at his beloved. The last traces of sadness were gone from the violet eyes, replaced by the joy he'd longed to see. And as he leaned down to softly kiss Nuriko, he felt his own heart echo that joy.
"Aishiteru…"