Chapter Twenty-Four
Seishirou was confused. He had never really thought about his problems in terms of wanting to die before. But now that Kakyou had pointed it out, he had to admit that it didn’t seem like a bad idea. Subaru was sure to be better off without him; and this way he could stop trying to get Subaru to fall out of love with him. It wouldn’t matter if he were dead, would it?
Seimei would be better off without him as well. He’d never done anything in his entire life but hurt the kid. If he just died, Seimei would be able to go be part of the Clan, without Meiri’s interference. She wouldn’t care as long as Seishirou was dead, because he was the one she really hated.
Seishirou was beginning to think that she had perhaps been right. Everything would really be a lot better if he’d never been born. He had hurt everyone he’d ever been close to. Obviously, he was one big cosmic mistake.
He was not, had never been, and would never be an emotional man. He simply took all the facts and weighed them in a manner that he considered logical, and decided it really would be better if he were dead. He decided all this while standing on Rainbow Bridge, trying to figure out whether or not he should destroy it. If he was dead, he wouldn’t have to listen to Kanoe’s griping; however, it might be nice to go out in a bang.
Right. Time to destroy the Kekkai, then, and whatever Seal showed up to stop him would get the honor of killing him.
He had barely destroyed the first pillar on the bridge when the kekkai formed around him. He looked at it. Star-shaped. That meant . . . well, dandy.
Subaru landed on the bridge in front of him. He stopped and stared. “What happened to . . . to not wanting the world to end?”
“It’s kind of a long story,” Seishirou said pleasantly. “I think it’s enough to say that something did, in fact, happen to it.”
“I have all day,” Subaru replied.
“I don’t,” Seishirou said, mostly because he planned on making the statement true. He tossed an ofuda in the air and sent his Shiki winging at Subaru’s head.
Subaru ducked and sent his own to meet it and distract it from him. “What are you doing?” he yelled.
“Uhm, let’s see,” Seishirou said, feigning confusion. “From the looks of the situation, I’m destroying this Kekkai and trying to kill you. How’s that sound?”
“No, I don’t like that at all,” Subaru said.
“It’s a little too late for the sentiment,” Seishirou said, drawing a pentagram in the air. “I’ve already made my decision.” He held out his hand in the center of the pentagram and it exploded outwards, sending shards of glass and broken wood. It was an illusion, of course, but illusions could cause physical damage if they were real enough.
::Seishirou . . .::
Seishirou ignored it.
Subaru shielded himself by tossing a few ofuda into the air. Then ofuda reformed into a design of his own and then landed on the ground in the form of a star. The ground began to shake beneath Seishirou.
Seishirou deftly leapt into the air and landed right in front of Subaru, taking hold of his wrist. “If you don’t fight to kill,” he said smoothly, pulling Subaru close to him, “then you won’t win.”
Subaru twisted Seishirou’s wrist around and flipped him over. The assassin landed on his back with a loud thud and blinked up at the sky, wondering exactly how he’d wound up on the ground. Subaru drew back his foot to kick, but Seishirou rolled out of the way and got back to his feet.
::Seishirou, you’re not listening to me, and I think you’d better.::
::Oh, what the hell is it? I’m a little distracted.:: Seishirou dodged one of the birds that Subaru had sent winging after him and nearly tripped headlong over a crack in the now shattered pavement.
::I know what you’re planning to do.:: The Tree’s voice was cold. Seishirou didn’t have to be a genius to figure out that it wasn’t pleased with him.
::That’s nice,:: Seishirou replied, realizing a bit too late that he had walked into one of Subaru’s sets of pentacles. The ground exploded under his feet, sending him flying. He managed to twist around in the air, but still landed hard and got the wind knocked out of him. He sent a few vines to wrap around Subaru until he could get his breath back.
::You must know that I won’t allow it,:: the Tree said. ::It isn’t acceptable.::
::Oh, shut the fuck up. It’s not like you know what you’re talking about.:: Seishirou noted with some concern that Subaru had used one of his ofuda to cut his thumb, and then used blood magic to free himself. Just what he needed. It was high time he ended this. ::How would you stop me, anyway?::
::I could. And I will, if you refuse to listen to reason.::
Seishirou dodged through the maze of shields and wards that Subaru had set up, and managed to come up right behind him. He took hold of Subaru around the waist and tossed him to where he landed heavily on the ground. ::Shut up. I’ve made my decision and I don’t want to listen to the whining of an anthropomorphic shrub.::
::I don’t want to reason with you. I just want you to stop this stupidity.::
Seishirou didn’t answer. He narrowly missed getting kneed in the crotch by Subaru, but managed to force him into a kneeling position, one hand entwined in the Sumeragi’s hair. Subaru stopped struggling, staring up at Seishirou with some unidentifiable emotion in his eyes. For a brief second, Seishirou hesitated. He hadn’t expected it to be Subaru that killed him, but what was more appropriate than dying because of what he’d done to him?
::This is your last chance, Seishirou.::
Seishirou still ignored him, drawing back his hand, his eyes fixed on Subaru’s.
::I renounce you.::
Seishirou let out a shocked gasp and nearly fell. He let go of Subaru and stumbled sideways. It hurt, hurt unlike he’d thought anything could hurt, all the support and magic that had been sustaining him -- that had been part of him -- for so many years just suddenly gone. The world went white before his eyes and he could feel himself falling. Just before he passed out, he heard the Tree’s apology.
Subaru’s eyes went wide as Seishirou thudded to the ground in a heap. “Uh . . .” he said, and got to his feet, taking a few steps forward. He leaned down and checked for a pulse, trying not to panic and wondering what the hell was going on. Seishirou did indeed have a pulse, and one that felt relatively normal. Subaru had no idea why he had suddenly collapsed, but the danger appeared to be over. He was going to take down the kekkai, then realized he probably shouldn’t appear in the middle of the road with Seishirou’s unconscious body. Especially since there might be traffic.
His head snapped up as a figure emerged from the smoke. At first he thought it had to be one of the other Angels or Seals; no one else could get into his kekkai without permission. But instead, it was a slender gray-haired man that walked over and looked down at Seishirou with a somewhat rueful expression on his face.
He hadn’t yet met all the Angels, so he felt somewhat suspicious. “Who are you?” he asked, moving between the man and Seishirou.
“I’ve never had any name to speak of,” he said, taking another few steps forward.
“Get creative, then.”
He smiled. It was not a pretty thing to look at. “Ah, well, Seimei seems fairly fond of calling me Tree-san, so I suppose that will do. Now if you don’t mind, move aside. I’d like to check on him.”
Subaru moved aside. “What’s going on?” he demanded. “I already checked on Seishirou-san.”
The Tree knelt next to Seishirou and stretched out a hand to him, without touching him, for a brief second. “I knew he was still breathing,” he said, standing up. “I wanted to check on his mental status. That shock couldn’t have been good for him.”
Subaru’s hands twitched and he fought back the urge to throttle the Tree. “Stop being cryptic and tell me what’s going on.”
The Tree shrugged slightly. “I renounced him.” He said this as if it were an every day thing.
Subaru rubbed his face, as if in an effort to claw his own eyes out. “What are you talking about? Why was he trying to kill me? Why did you renounce him? What’s going on?!” He looked like he was about to grab the Tree by the front of the shirt and start shaking him.
The Tree cleared his throat, obviously slightly amused by Subaru’s confusion. “He wasn’t trying to kill you, despite all appearances. Do you know anything about your sister’s last spell?”
Subaru gave him a funny look. “No.”
“Your sister offered her life up and used the dying energy to cast a spell on Seishirou, such that if he ever tried to kill you in the manner that he used on her, it would be visited back upon him.” He paused. “Apparently your sister wasn’t too bright, because it’s certainly not like Seishirou doesn’t have other ways of killing people, but that’s beside the point.”
Subaru stared at him, mouth gaping. He made a few weak noises before he managed speech. “Let me get this straight. He was trying to commit suicide. Which my sister arranged by proxy.”
The Tree nodded. “With you as the weapon, because you’ve professed so many times that what you really want is to kill him.”
Subaru waved his hands around in the air, not wanting to get into the specifics of Seishirou’s neuroses at the moment. “Is he okay?”
“He’ll be all right. I couldn’t think of any other way to stop him, so I renounced him. Took all the power and support he’s been used to for twenty years away. It knocked him for a loop. He’ll recover in a few hours.”
“That’s good,” Subaru said, after several attempts to speak. He thought about it for a minute, then frowned. “Why?”
“Why which?”
“Why did you save him?” Subaru looked at him curiously. “Do you actually care for him?”
“I’m not sure I would phrase it quite like that,” the Tree said with a shrug. “But I’ve grown used to him. I appreciate his company. Many of the other Sakurazukamoris have just treated me like an idiot block of wood. And I’ll admit that I’m fond of Seimei. I don’t even want to contemplate what his reaction would have been, had Seishirou succeeded in this.”
Subaru pushed back his urge to kick Seishirou’s unconscious body and call him a selfish bastard. “Why was he trying to kill himself?” he finally asked.
“The hell if I know,” the Tree replied. “It all made sense in his twisted little head. He figures he has no chance of happiness with you -- don’t look at me like that -- and even if he could get it, he doesn’t deserve it. He feels like he’s failed as both a father and as a son, and his life has basically been worthless and therefore continuing it was pointless. This is all what I’ve picked out from his head, mind you. He doesn’t share these things with me, because I tell him he’s an idiot.”
“Why this way? And don’t give me that thing about me saying that I wanted to kill him.”
The Tree shrugged elegantly. “That’s the only answer I know of, so you’ll have to save that one for him.”
Subaru looked down. “What . . . what are we going to do?”
“You’re going to go home, find comfort where you can, and go to bed. I’m going to take Seishirou home, deliver him to Seimei, explain what happened to him, and let him take care of him. Then I’m going to bloody starve for a week until I can trust him again and give him the position back.”
“Isn’t that a little harsh for Seimei?” Subaru asked hesitantly.
The Tree shrugged. “He’s a smart kid. What would you have me do? Lie to him?”
“No. I don’t know.”
“He’ll be all right. If Seishirou had succeeded, that would be something different, but he didn’t.”
Subaru sighed. “Tell the kid he can call if he needs anything.”
“Will do.” The Tree leaned down and scooped Seishirou up. Subaru reflected vaguely that if the Tree was just an illusory form, was it really carrying Seishirou, or was he actually floating? He shook the thoughts off as the Tree said casually, “Jaa ne. I’ll have Seishirou call you, and I’ll make him do it at gunpoint, so don’t worry.”
“I’d appreciate that,” Subaru said, and decided to go home and drink himself into oblivion.
The Tree nodded and walked off, shimmering a little and then disappearing as he left the kekkai. Subaru hurried over to the sidewalk and took it down, restoring the bridge to its proper form. He looked for Seishirou and the Tree, but they were nowhere to be seen.
~~~~
Everyone in the classroom looked over as Seimei suddenly stood up. All the color had drained from his face. He stammered for a few seconds, then gasped out, “Sorry!” and ran full speed out of the classroom. He sent a frantic call to the Tree as he ran, but it was apparently absorbed elsewhere. It didn’t surprise Seimei. A few minutes before, there had been a magical backwash unlike anything he’d ever felt. Something big had happened, he was sure of that much.
He ran out of breath, and realized that running was stupid. Seishirou’s apartment wasn’t very close to the school. He looked around for a taxi and managed to flag one down. He kept a fair amount of money on him at all times; certainly enough to get him home.
The apartment was empty when he burst into it, which didn’t make him feel any better. The Tree was still occupied with whatever it had been doing when he’d first called on it, but his senses warned him that it was close. So, rather than go out looking, he settled for pacing anxiously around the apartment.
It was about fifteen minutes before the Tree came into the apartment, carrying Seishirou over one shoulder. One look at that was enough for Seimei to know what it had been so occupied with. The magic it must have taken to float Seishirou home and generate the illusion to keep them hidden would have been substantial; coming on the heels of whatever had happened, it would have been difficult.
“Dad? Tree-san?” Seimei scampered over, working himself into a full-blown panic as the Tree carefully deposited Seishirou onto the couch.
It turned to him, looking tired. It was a mark of how much magic it had been working that the exhaustion had worked its way onto its physical form. Its face was drawn and its skin paler even than usual. But it smiled anyway. “Konnichi wa, Seimei.”
“Sit down. Jeez.” Seimei ushered the Tree into a chair.
“Actually, gotta go. Too much illusioning.” The Tree’s physical form vanished with a poof.
“What’s wrong?” Seimei asked the empty air.
::Uh . . . put a blanket over your father and get his shoes off, then sit down and I’ll explain. It may take a bit.::
“Okay,” Seimei said, and did as he was told, even getting a pillow to put under Seishirou’s head. “Now what’s going on?”
::To begin with, let me explain about Hokuto’s spell,:: the Tree said, and promptly did so. ::Any questions on that, first of all?::
“Just . . . keep going.”
::To be delicate, Seishirou tried to trigger that spell.::
“Are you . . .” Seimei’s voice trembled. “Why?”
::I don’t know. Because he’s a nutcase. You can ask him when he wakes up; it won’t be long.::
“But . . . but . . . what do I say?”
::I suggest you start by telling him that you love him and he’s not a failure no matter what he thinks.::
“Right,” Seimei said. He looked down at Seishirou. “What’s wrong with him? Why is he sleeping? Is he hurt? Do I need to fix anything? Get a doctor?”
::Seimei. Calm down. Breathe.::
“Right,” Seimei repeated. “Breathing.”
::He’s not hurt. He’s just in a bit of magical shock.::
“Yeah, what was that?” Seimei asked, suddenly recalling the reason he’d left class in the first place. “Why did that happen?”
::To put it briefly, I renounced him.::
“But . . .!” Seimei said, for what felt like the thousandth time. “You don’t want him anymore? Or . . .” He dissolved into whimpers.
::It’s not that. He wouldn’t listen to me, and I had no other way to stop him. I figured better alive than dead.::
“What’s he going to do if he can’t be the Sakurazukamori? This is Dad!”
::I have every intent of letting him reclaim the position once he’s come to his senses,:: the Tree reassured him. ::So don’t worry about it.::
“But . . . he tried to kill himself! And! Were he and Subaru making up?”
::Yes, they were. I’ll admit I’m puzzled. It’s this bizarre thing that Seishirou does; whenever he and Subaru approach anything resembling happiness, he immediately freaks out and tries to ruin it.::
“Is Sumeragi-san okay?”
::The Sumeragi is fine. I explained things to him and he went home. He said you could call him if you needed anything, and I promised that Seishirou would call him later.::
“Dad’s not going to want to call him. I mean . . . what if he’s mad that he’s still alive? Oh God.”
::If he’s mad, which he no doubt will be, he’s going to be mad at me. And that’s fine. He’s been mad at me before. I know he won’t want to call the Sumeragi, and that’s why you’re going to borrow Teiji’s 9 millimeter and threaten him into it. And if you won’t, I will.::
“I think you’ll have to do it,” Seimei admitted. “I’m most certainly not threatening my dad into anything.”
::I figured. He’ll be awake soon, and you’ll need to talk to him then. Not to pressure you or anything, but it’d be nice if you could remind him why he wants to live. Okay?::
“Right,” Seimei said. “I’ll try.”
::If nothing else on earth can ground him, it’s going to be you that can. He loves you, always has. And you’re pretty much the only thing on earth he’s ever done that turned out right.::
“Oh,” Seimei said, not sure how to take this statement.
::I’ve got to go, then. Take the Tree equivalent of a catnap. Don’t pester me for a few hours. You’ll do fine.::
“Will I need to feed you tonight or something?” Seimei asked hesitantly.
::I’ll be all right for today. I might appreciate something tomorrow, but by then Seishirou will be on his feet again. Thanks for asking, though.::
“It’s not like it’s trouble. I’m supposed to take care of you.”
::Yeah, I know. Pretend I’m ruffling your hair, okay? Sleep now.::
And the presence was gone from the back of his mind before Seimei could reply.
~~~~
Fuuma and Kakyou’s kitchen now contained several interesting patterns of dishes, from transparent blue glasses with fish painted on them to plates that had strawberries on the edges. Kakyou had picked out all the furniture and things that needed to match like curtains and sheets (Fuuma had leeringly advised him to get a lot of the latter, seeing as they went through them at a rapid pace) but had allowed Fuuma to pick out things that didn’t matter. Like towels. And the occasional picture, if Kakyou deemed it acceptable.
Nataku had picked out all his own furniture, at Fuuma’s insistence, so his room was brightly colored and had a lot of shelves. They weren’t all filled yet, but Kakyou didn’t think it would take long.
Fuuma had never seen Kakyou have an actual vision before, so he was somewhat startled when the Dreamgazer suddenly started to sway from dizziness and grabbed hold of the counter to stay upright. After a minute, he shook his head to clear it, and regained his balance. “What was that?” Fuuma asked, concerned.
“Seishirou’s going to try to commit suicide.”
Fuuma analyzed this statement. “Try?” he finally asked.
Kakyou thought about it for a minute, playing back the vision to get a better look at the details. “Yes. Try.”
“What the hell for?” Fuuma asked, going back to what he’d been doing.
“Because he’s crazy,” Kakyou said, in a ‘you should remember that’ tone of voice. He fished out some aspirin and tea. Visions always gave him headaches. That was part of the reason he hated them, but only part. On the whole, they really sucked, and they never arrived in time to actually prevent anything.
“Oh,” Fuuma said. “D’you think he’s off trying to destroy that stupid Kekkai?”
“He does appear to be on a bridge, yes.”
“You know,” Fuuma said thoughtfully, “I really need to kill that slut.”
“So?” Kakyou asked. “Kill her.”
Fuuma shrugged. “As much of a whore as she is, she’s still human . . . I think. And I’m not really fond of killing people unnecessarily.”
“Okay, don’t kill her.”
Fuuma laughed and put his arms around Kakyou’s waist. “You’re so easy to please.”
“I try.”
~~~~
Tsuzuki looked up as Hisoka walked in. The younger boy was obviously distressed about something. “What’s wrong?” he asked, as Hisoka thudded onto the bed.
“I went to meet Seimei for lunch, and he wasn’t there,” Hisoka said. “I suppose he could be sick or something, but what with everything that’s been going on lately, I’m really worried.”
“Uhm . . . why don’t you try to call his house?”
“I did from the school,” Hisoka said, apparently not annoyed that Tsuzuki had suggested the obvious. “The teacher said he’d left class not long before, and that he was really upset about something. Has anything happened this morning?”
“There was a battle at the Rainbow Bridge Kekkai,” Tsuzuki said. “But I don’t know why he’d be so upset over that.”
“Did it get destroyed?” Hisoka asked.
“No. There hasn’t been an earthquake.”
“Right.” Hisoka began to pace around the room.
“Which home did you call? He’s got two.”
“Both. Misako-san said he’d been staying with Seishirou, and when I called him, no one picked up.”
“Oh.” Tsuzuki fiddled with the hem of his shirt.
Hisoka flopped onto his bed with a moan. “God damn it, you’re doing it again. Will you stop projecting so much? I’ve had a headache for the past three weeks!”
“Okay,” Tsuzuki said, his smile faltering. “Fine.” He stood up to go onto the balcony.
“Tsuzuki . . .” Hisoka lifted his head from the pillow. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”
“How did you mean it?” Tsuzuki asked.
“It’s just . . . you’re so unhappy, and I know that you’re unhappy at me, and it bothers me so I get irritable. I’m sorry.” Hisoka burrowed under the blankets, wrapping himself up in misery.
“I’m trying not to complain, because it’s not something you should have to change,” Tsuzuki said, staring steadfastly at the wall.
Hisoka refused to look at him. “I guess that’s not for me to decide, since you won’t tell me what it is.”
“It shouldn’t bother me,” Tsuzuki protested. “And the fact that it does isn’t your fault.”
Hisoka sat up, ready to tear out his hair with frustration. “Will you please just tell me, and maybe we can clear this up before one of us goes crazy?”
Tsuzuki reflected that it was a bit too late for that. “Fine,” he snapped. “I saw you kissing Seimei and I didn’t like it, and I had no right to not like it, so I’m just going to shut up now.” He stalked out onto the balcony. Hisoka sat in bed, blinking. For some reason, that was possibly the last thing he had expected.
He got out of bed and walked out to Tsuzuki. “You were upset before that,” he said quietly.
“Yes, but that’s not something that you can fix and it has nothing to do with you.” Tsuzuki was sitting in the corner, staring broodingly off at nothing.
Hisoka leaned against the railing. “You don’t trust me.”
“How’d you get that impression?”
Hisoka turned to him. “You never tell me when things are bothering you. You wouldn’t in Kyoto, either. Now something is bothering you and you’ve been agonizing over the fact that I was kissing Seimei for weeks . . . or maybe it’s been more, I don’t quite remember . . . and you haven’t said a word about it until I made you. If that’s not lack of trust, I don’t know what is.”
“No,” Tsuzuki said, “that’s me not wanting to upset you. I have no right to tell you who to date or not date.”
“Then why do you care?”
“I don’t know,” Tsuzuki snapped.
“Or you won’t tell me.” Hisoka folded his arms over his chest. “If you thought about it hard enough, you’d probably come up with an answer.”
“Thinking about things too hard often gets me into trouble.”
“Of course,” Hisoka said, and looked away. “Do you want to know why I was kissing Seimei?”
“I don’t have the right to ask,” Tsuzuki said.
“No, you don’t,” Hisoka replied. “But you want to know. So I’ll tell you . . . because I trust you.”
Tsuzuki flinched. “That was low.”
Hisoka pretended he hadn’t spoken. “Seimei was upset because of what Muraki had done to him, and we discovered a mutual fear that maybe kissing and sex weren’t everything they were said to be. Seishirou had told him that kissing was better if you wanted it, and he told that to me, so we decided to kiss and see whether or not it was good.”
Tsuzuki considered this for a long minute. “Oh,” he finally said.
“So will you stop worrying now about Seimei trying to elope with me?”
“I’m not sure,” Tsuzuki said.
Hisoka laughed softly. “And you wonder why I think you don’t trust me.”
“I had no right to make any sort of judgment in the first place, so I can’t logically say I know how I’ll feel in the future,” Tsuzuki replied.
“I’m not surprised,” Hisoka said. “You never seem to know how you feel in the present.”
“Thank you for that glowing presentation of the obvious,” Tsuzuki retorted.
“You’re welcome,” Hisoka replied. “Would you like to hear some more?”
“Why not? You seem to be on a roll.”
“It’s not even that I feel like you don’t trust me. The way you’re looking at me now, I feel like you hate me.”
“I don’t hate you,” Tsuzuki said.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to help you when you won’t tell me anything.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m beyond help.”
Hisoka glared fiercely at him. “You may believe that. You may be ready to crawl into your little hole of misery and wallow there. But maybe I’m not ready to let you. Had you even considered how I feel about the fact that you’re so unhappy?”
“Obviously you don’t like it, and I appreciate that, but there’s nothing you can do to help.”
“How do you know that when you haven’t even tried?”
“Because it was all in the past and no one can change it.”
“Maybe not. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t hurt less.”
Tsuzuki said nothing.
“You just don’t want to try, because you don’t care enough about yourself. And you don’t care that I do.”
Tsuzuki had apparently lapsed into silence, because he still didn’t reply.
“Fine,” Hisoka snarled. “You sit here and wallow. I just hope you know that you’re being selfish. I’m going to go look for Seimei. I hope you have a good time sitting here by yourself.”
With that, he left the balcony, and from there, the hotel room.
~~~~~
Seimei settled in a chair next to the couch with a mug of tea and a book. He was ostensibly reading, but mostly just staring at his father. A number of thoughts were running around the inside of his head, wondering what had gone wrong, if it was his fault, how it could be fixed, if it could be fixed, and what the hell his father had been thinking.
Given this, he noticed the second that Seishirou opened his eyes. He had been awake for a little while, but couldn’t quite manage to get his bearings. The world felt decidedly odd, and he definitely didn’t like it.
Seimei walked over and kneeled by the sofa. “You feeling better? Want some tea?”
Apparently Seimei had also decided that tea was a cure to all ills. Seishirou stared at the ceiling. He was obviously home, but he didn’t remember getting home. The last thing he remembered was the Tree renouncing him, and the horribly empty feeling that had followed. He figured he must have passed out around then. It probably explained his throbbing headache, at least. “How did I get home?” he asked, choosing not to answer either of Seimei’s questions.
“Tree-san carried you home . . . I’m not quite sure how.”
Seishirou glanced at the clock in confusion. He remembered meeting Subaru midmorning, and now it was around two in the afternoon. “Shouldn’t you be in school?”
Seimei stared at him for a minute, wondering on what planet that could possibly be considered relevant, then threw himself at Seishirou. Seishirou blinked, a little surprised that his son was now apparently attached to his chest, and then wrapped his arms around Seimei’s shoulders. “Are you crying?” he asked hesitantly. “Please don’t cry.”
“I’m trying not to,” Seimei promised. There was a pause, then he exploded, “What were you doing?”
“Uhm . . .” Seishirou paused nervously. “That depends entirely on what the Tree already told you.” He wasn’t explaining anything that had already been explained if he could possibly help it.
“Okay, I knew what you were doing, but what were you thinking?” Seimei asked, still clinging to Seishirou.
It occurred to Seishirou right around then that a normal man in his position would quite possibly be in hysterics. Even the most stoic man would, after having decided he had no reason to live, probably at least cry a little. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. He didn’t remember how. “I’m not sure,” he finally said.
“Well, never do it again!” Seimei said.
Seishirou sighed. There was really no way to explain what he’d been thinking in any way that Seimei would understand. The Tree certainly hadn’t. Seishirou had to admit that it didn’t make a great deal of sense. “Sei-kun . . . it just seems like . . . like everyone I’m close to ends up hurting. Because of me. And with this, I’ve just hurt everyone more.”
Seimei’s fists clenched in Seishirou’s shirt and shook him, hard. “You weirdo! You’re not supposed to die!”
Seishirou met his gaze and said evenly, “Why not?”
“Because . . . because I love you and you’re my father and you’re not supposed to do things like that!” Seimei half-yelled.
“The Clan would take care of you.” Seishirou looked away.
“I don’t want them to care for me!” Seimei protested. “I want you to!”
“And I’ve done such a splendid job of that,” Seishirou still said, now refusing to meet Seimei’s eyes.
Seimei flailed for a minute, then asked, “Is there any way I can make you see sense?”
Seishirou managed a small smile. “Even if there was a chance before, now I’ve gone and screwed it up the way I screw everything up. I’ve hurt you. Subaru probably hates me, and the Tree has renounced me so I don’t even have it for company.”
“I bet it would take you back,” Seimei said.
Seishirou looked away, but didn’t say what he was thinking.
“Look,” Seimei said. “What exactly have you done wrong in raising me?”
“Well, I sentenced you to a childhood of ridicule because I refused to acknowledge you for the first six years of your life, and still refused to act in any caring capacity until you were almost . . .” He broke off that thought. “I don’t think that really puts me up for Father of the Year.”
“I wasn’t particularly unhappy with my childhood,” Seimei said. “My mother loved me; that’s more than some kids have. It’s not like you messed me up much afterwards. I was horrifically shy before you showed up.”
Seishirou gave him a look. “So you’re trying to say that I’ve never caused any problems in your life whatsoever.”
“Just take it on faith that I want you around, okay?” Seimei asked through clenched teeth.
“Sure,” Seishirou said, but it was obvious from his voice that he didn’t really believe it.
“You know what, Dad? You’re a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe that you deserve to be miserable and alone, so you make sure that no one cares about you, and if they show any signs of it, you hurt them so they’ll go away and leave you alone in your little bubble.” Seimei finally let go of Seishirou and went back to his chair, looking upset.
“Yes,” Seishirou said. “I know that I do that.”
“Well, it’s stupid!” Seimei burst out.
“But I don’t deserve to be happy, so why is it such a wrong thing to do?” Seishirou asked, as if he were actually curious.
“Where did you get this delusion that you don’t deserve to be happy?” Seimei asked, frustrated.
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s because of all the innocents I’ve murdered and how I’ve ruined Subaru’s life and practically split apart my family just by manner of existing,” Seishirou said bitterly.
“You didn’t ruin Sumeragi-san’s life, as far as I can tell,” Seimei said. “And how did you split up the family?”
“Well, because of me, my grandfather is dead, my grandmother decided she hated her daughter and everything that went along with her, which included Chimori-san, so his life hasn’t exactly been peaches and cream for the past thirty years. Atsuko hates Setsuka for what she did to her. The whole thing has turned into a mess, and it’s a mess that I caused.” He paused. “And I did damn well ruin Subaru’s life.”
“You did not cause the mess with the Clan!” Seimei said. “You were a baby! How is that your fault? Besides, that’s one . . . one and a half people, because Atsuko-san has kind of gotten over it.”
“I didn’t say it was my fault; I said I caused it,” Seishirou said. “The two are slightly different. I just think it’s ironic that just by existing, my family is in such a mess. Which sort of parallels my own life.” His head throbbed. He really didn’t feel like this much deep thinking.
“You know what?” Seimei asked, ready to throw his hands up in surrender. “I love you, and I want you to stay around, and things were going really great between the two of us and I’d like to keep it that way.” He stopped, and looked at Seishirou’s expectant face. “That’s it. That’s all I’ve got.”
He paused. “This is going nowhere. You need some tea, some aspirin, and a nap.” He walked into the kitchen to retrieve the first two items and brought them out to Seishirou, putting them down beside the couch on the endtable, then sitting down on the edge of the couch, next to Seishirou.
“It’s strange,” Seishirou said, his voice rather distant. “I don’t remember how to cry. I suppose I must have at some point. Babies do, at any rate. But Setsuka taught me not to. She taught me that emotions were a weakness, and that people were objects; fragile ones, but no more important than that crystal vase she kept roses in. She taught me to not feel, and now if I do, I feel like I’m betraying her memory. I suppose that’s stupid, given that I’m the one who killed her.”
“You’re not betraying her memory,” Seimei said, “because she was telling you to do something that she didn’t believe in herself.”
Seishirou just shrugged, obviously not finding this answer satisfactory.
“For starters, she obviously loved you,” Seimei said. “So that must be okay. Maybe emotions are a weakness, but people are designed that way. I think people break more often if they pretend they don’t have emotions.”
Seishirou considered this for a long minute, then shrugged again. “It doesn’t matter, I guess.”
“What doesn’t matter?” Seimei asked, frowning. “There’s a lot of stuff here.”
“It doesn’t matter whether or not emotions are a weakness,” Seishirou clarified, “since I seem to be stuck with them either way.”
Seimei shrugged. “You’re just going to have to do the best you can.”
Seishirou laughed. “And you wonder why I tried to kill myself. The thought that it never gets better than this -- that I’m going to be muddling around hurting people for the rest of my life . . .” His voice trailed off.
“I think it’ll get better,” Seimei said. “Everyone muddles. Everyone hurts everyone, but you have a real chance to make people happy, which not everyone gets.”
“I don’t know how to be happy,” Seishirou said.
“I thought you were happy when you went out to dinner with Sumeragi-san. You seemed happier now that we’re getting along better.”
“Exactly. I have moments of happiness and . . . and it short circuits somewhere in my brain, and makes me do things like that.” Seishirou frowned. He wasn’t sure that statement made a lot of sense, but it was the best he could come up with.
It was at this point that Seimei became convinced that his father needed therapy. Serious years of therapy. “You haven’t really been in a position to have long-term happiness before. Now you are. So give it a go.”
“Right, if I can manage to without sabotaging it because I’m insane,” Seishirou said dryly.
“You’ve been trying to sabotage it for a long time now, and you still haven’t managed to shake off either myself or Sumeragi-san,” Seimei pointed out. “And I really think you’ll have a hard time shaking off the rest of the family now that they’ve found you.”
“Unless Meiri makes them,” Seishirou muttered, in a voice too low for Seimei to hear. He considered this statement for a long minute, then said, “This makes no sense.”
“Why not?”
“Because love is self-defeating,” Seishirou stated. “You and Subaru both should have been able to let go of me, because I kept hurting you, and you didn’t. It doesn’t make sense.”
“Love is one of those interesting things that’s both self-defeating and self-fulfilling,” Seimei said. “When it goes wrong, it’s the worst thing in the world, but when it goes right, nothing can beat it. So people just hang on and hope that it goes right.”
Seishirou considered all this for a long minute, then pronounced, “I have a headache.”
“I brought aspirin.”
Seishirou accepted the tea and the painkillers, gulping them down. He lay back down and pulled the blanket up to his chin, looking very tired.
“Are you going to give this happiness thing a go?” Seimei asked him.