Well, I got these idea for these from Kira, but she said she stole it from somewhere else, so that makes it okay. Why did I write them? It's pretty simple. After a long, arduous, depressing fanfic like Ashes, it's very important to kick back and laugh at the fic, the characters, and yourself. I did this to detox, basically. Um... Karasu thinks they're funny! So yeah. Enjoy.
Oh, and there are two lines which I have to credit to Ko: The one about having sex on Kotori's bed, and the fax from the government.
Prologue
Kamui: Hey, I saved the world!
Kouri: Yeah, and as your reward, from now on your life’s going to suck.
Kamui: .....wah.
Chapter One: Awakenings
Seishirou: I thought I was dead.
Minako: You were.
Seishirou: Oh. For how long?
Minako: Eight months. You also told Subaru you loved him, and then he went off into the sunset and became a big prick.
Seishirou: Well, shit.
Fuuma: I thought I was dead.
EMTs: You should be.
Fuuma: Good to hear. Who am I?
EMTs: Hell if we know.
Kamui: Shouldn’t I be dead?
Kakyou: You wish. I’m the only one cool enough to be dead. Ha ha!
Kamui: .....wah.
Kakyou: Quit whining and wake up already.
Subaru: Hi, Kamui. I’ve turned into a huge prick.
Kamui: That’s cool. Can I come stay with you?
Subaru: No.
Kamui: Please?
Subaru: Okay, sure.
Chapter Two: Beautiful Day
Seishirou: Interesting eight months.
Seishirou’s conscience: Hi. I’m here to make you act like an idiot for the rest of the story.
Seishirou: Fuck off.
Fuuma: So we ‘worked’ together, huh? And ‘ate ice cream’ together?
Seishirou: Something like that.
Fuuma: Aren’t you a little old for me?
Seishirou: That’s what I said.
Keiichi: ::genkigenki:: Here am I in my role to keep Kamui sane.
Everyone: ::points and laughs at Keiichi::
Keiichi: Oh, sod off.
Subaru: ::silent treatment::
Kamui: I hate you. But I still love you.
Subaru: That makes no sense.
Kamui: You’re one to talk. Wanna know what happened to Fuuma?
Subaru: No.
Kamui: Okay. ::tells long story:: But now he’s dead so it doesn’t matter.
Subaru: Then why’d you tell me?
Kamui: Wow, Subaru, you really are a prick now.
Chapter Three: Repression
Fuuma: ::flirts with nurse:: Yo, Seishirou.
Seishirou: Hi. ::gives Fuuma speculative look:: Think I can jump you now?
Fuuma: Nah, you have to wait a few chapters. Wheelchairs are too kinky even for me.
Kamui: Subaru, you’ve turned into an evil wife-beating bastard. I’m going to fix this by letting you walk all over me for the rest of the fic.
Subaru: Works for me.
Chapter Four: In Dreams
Keiichi: Shirou-kun, I think you’re hiding something from me.
Kamui: Oh yeah? Gee, that’s awfully quick of you, Keiichi.
Keiichi: Well, fine, be that way.
Kamui: ....wah.
Seishirou: I think I’m going to burst into flames.
Fuuma: That’s okay, I’ll give you a blowjob.
Seishirou: In the hospital? Kinky. What if a nurse walks in?
Fuuma: I’ll ask her to join in.
Seishirou: Okay.
Kamui: Let’s pretend we didn’t argue.
Subaru: I’ll be sweet and fool you into thinking that I’m not a lost cause.
Kamui: Sounds good.
Kamui: ::flashbackflashback::
Fuuma: Kamui, you’re such a wimp. Let’s prove it.
Kamui: Okay. But do we really need a gag?
Fuuma: No, I’m just pandering to fangirls.
Chapter Five: Memories
Kamui: I want you. I need you. Oh baby, oh baby.
Subaru: Please die.
Kamui: Don’t you want to boink me first?
Subaru: ::pause:: Okay.
Fuuma: Damn, I really wish I had my memory.
Kouri: Fuuma, are you trying to angst?
Fuuma: Yeah, but I really suck at it.
Seishirou: What, you’re back again?
Fuuma: Yeah. I got bored. Who the hell is this Kamui kid and why was his name on my sister’s desk?
Seishirou: You were trying to screw him.
Fuuma: I see.
Seishirou: You were trying to screw Kakyou, too.
Fuuma: Is there anyone I *wasn’t* trying to screw?
Seishirou: Kusanagi.
Fuuma: Even with no memory, that concept is making me shudder.
Chapter Six: The Becoming
Subaru: Kamui, I don’t want to sleep with you.
Kamui: Yeah, you do.
Subaru: No, I really don’t.
Kamui: I’ll let you hit me.
Subaru: Well, in that case...
Keiichi: ::genkigenki::
Kamui: ::angstangst::
Keiichi: Uh, what’s wrong?
Kamui: I’m ugly.
Keiichi: You’re the main character of a CLAMP manga. It’s not possible for you to be ugly.
Kamui: Gee, you’re right! I feel better. Keiichi, you rock.
Chapter Seven: Possession
Kamui&Subaru: ::screw like rabid weasels::
Seishirou: God damn it. Now I’m depressed for no good reason.
Fuuma&Seishirou: ::screw like rabid weasels::
Seishirou: God damn it. I’m still depressed.
::flashback to Subaru&Seishirou:: ::screw like rabid weasels::
Seishirou: That’s it. I’m getting plastered.
Chapter Eight: Hush
Fuuma: So what’s your plan?
Seishirou: I’m going to leave Subaru with Kamui.
Fuuma: Real winner of a plan you’ve got there.
Seishirou: Shut the hell up.
Seishirou: Or maybe, before I leave them alone, I’ll go screw Subaru again.
Subaru: Real winner of a plan you’ve got there.
Seishirou: Shut up and let me fuck you.
Subaru: Okay.
Subaru: Man, what a funky dream. I’m in a pissy mood now, so no one had better get in my way. ::trips over Kamui:: God damn it. Now I have to force you to have sex with me just so I don’t look like a wussy.
Kamui: Real winner of a plan you’ve got there.
Subaru: Don’t make me hit you. Harder, that is.
Kamui: ....wah.
Chapter Nine: Unloved
Keiichi: I think I’ll have an OOC moment and actually get pissed off.
Kamui: Dude, Keiichi, that’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.
Keiichi: How about if I storm off?
Kamui: Sure, that’d be cool.
Keiichi: ::storms off::
Kamui: Wait a minute. That sucked.
Fuuma: Hey, you’re cute. Wanna have sex?
Kamui: Fuuma?
Fuuma: You’re cute and you know who I am. That’s a real plus. We can have *lots* of sex.
Kamui: ::freaks out::
Seishirou: I’m going to go hide in the bedroom now.
Fuuma: Can I come?
Seishirou: Sure, but get rid of him first.
Fuuma: Seishirou, you’re a dork. This is the first of many times that I’ll inform you of this.
Seishirou: Don’t make me gag you.
Fuuma: How about I gag you? Or tie you up?
Seishirou: Wait a chapter.
Chapter Ten: Control
Kamui: Keiichi, you’re such a great friend. ::cries on Keiichi’s shoulder::
Keiichi: Cool. Thanks.
Kamui: Wanna have sex with me?
Keiichi: Uh, sure. But not until you love me more than Subaru.
Kamui: Oh, hell.
Subaru: Hey, I think I’ll go uberprick on your ass.
Kamui: And this is a change?
Seishirou: How did I get talked into playing strip poker with you?
Fuuma: Maybe you were drunk again.
Seishirou: How did I wind up losing?
Fuuma: Beats the hell out of me. Maybe you just suck at poker. ::drags Seishirou to the bedroom:: Now do I get to tie you up?
Seishirou: Yeah, okay. I mean, wait, no.
Fuuma: Too late.
Chapter Eleven: Knowledge
Kamui: Does this chapter have a point?
Fuuma: It’s exposition. And ice cream innuendo.
Kamui: So in other words, no.
Fuuma: That sounds about right.
Chapter Twelve: Decisions
Government: Dear Subaru, please kill Seishirou. Love, your secret employers.
Subaru: ......well shit.
Kamui: Dude, Subaru’s freaking out. I’ll call the one person on earth who can make it worse.
Seishirou: Hi Subaru.
Subaru: You’re alive! ::glomp::
Seishirou: Yeah, but I won’t be long if you keep cutting off my circulation like that.
Subaru: Sorry, I’m supposed to kill you.
Seishirou: Oh yeah. That sucks.
Subaru: Let’s have sex anyway.
Seishirou: Okay.
Keiichi: Do you love me more than Subaru yet?
Kamui: Yeah, but I won’t figure that out for another ten parts.
Keiichi: You suck.
Chapter Thirteen: Self-Destruct
Seishirou: Hell. ::runs away::
Fuuma: You wuss.
Seishirou: Don’t make me kill you.
Fuuma: No thanks. I don’t like my sex *that* kinky.
Subaru: Kamui, I blame this all on you.
Kamui: Yeah, but all that proves is that you’re more neurotic than I thought you were.
Subaru: Then what’s with the knife?
Kamui: Oh, that? Um. ::collapse::
Chapter Fourteen: Blood and Roses
Kamui: Damn. My arm hurts like a bitch.
Keiichi: Yeah, probably because you sliced it open.
Kamui: That would do it.
Subaru: Hi Kamui. I’m going to totally fuck you up by acting really nice now.
Kamui: That’s great, Subaru. Er, or something.
Keiichi: Pardon me for a moment, Subaru. If it weren’t so wildly OOC, I would punch you right now. But as it is, instead I’m going to be all genki and threaten you instead.
Subaru: You don’t scare me. ::pause:: Actually, you do. In fact, you’re freaking me out. Stop it.
Keiichi: ::smilesmilegenkigenki:: ‘KAY!
Seishirou: Fuuma, you gave me a concussion. You suck.
Fuuma: At the same time, apparently. I’m multi-talented!
Keiichi: ::angstangstangst::
Fuuma: Wow, Keiichi, I didn’t recognize you at first. I’ve never seen you angst before. You’re even worse at it than me.
Keiichi: Kamui just tried to kill himself.
Fuuma: That sucks. Wanna go for ice cream so I can hit on you outrageously?
Keiichi: Yeah, okay. Maybe I can learn some tips.
Chapter Fifteen: Wishes
Fuuma: Dude, what a weird dream. That bint was my sister?
Seishirou: Yeah. I think you were adopted.
Fuuma: I wonder if she knows we had sex on her bed.
Fuuma: Hi Kamui. Let’s be friends.
Kamui: Aren’t you dead yet?
Fuuma: Nah. Want to have a cryptic talk about Wishes and how stupid you are?
Kamui: Sure, sounds cool.
Subaru: Hey, you’re home. Let’s have sex.
Kamui: Shove off.
Subaru: Oh, right. I’m being nice to you now. In that case, it’s great to see you!
Kamui: You suck at acting, Subaru.
Chapter Sixteen: Listen
Fuuma: Arg. Arg arg arg. I’m going to kill all these people.
Kouri: Whine whine whine. Suck it up, Fuuma.
Fuuma: Don’t mind if I do.
Kouri: Oh God.
Subaru: I’m going to be an evil prick now. Ha ha!
Seishirou: Wait, you’re not supposed to be an evil prick to *me*.
Subaru: Oh well!
Chapter Seventeen: Hobbies
Seishirou: You had a real photo fetish, didn’t you.
Fuuma: ::aims the camera at Seishirou:: Wanna find out?
Seishirou: No, I’d rather go get drunk and high.
Fuuma: Works for me.
Kamui: Hey, you have pictures of me.
Fuuma: Yeah, this bitch author actually managed to tie up one of the loose ends in this story.
Kouri: Hey, I resemble that remark.
Chapter Eighteen: Want
Fuuma: I’m so bored. I think I’m going to go seduce Subaru.
Seishirou: Save some for me.
Subaru: ......
Fuuma: You know you want me.
Subaru: Has anyone ever told you that you’re an arrogant prick?
Fuuma: Every day, but that doesn’t change the fact that you want me.
Subaru: Yeah, okay.
Tree: Hey, bitch, you belong to Seishirou.
Fuuma: Since when the hell can you interfere? Get bent and die.
Keiichi: I think Subaru hates me.
Kamui: Damn straight. That’s okay, though. I like you better.
Keiichi: Uhm . . .
Kamui: I just don’t realize it yet, remember?
Keiichi: God damn it, Kamui, if you don’t pull your head out of your ass I’m going to go sleep with Fuuma.
Fuuma: All right!
Chapter Nineteen: Surrender
Subaru: Kamui, let’s have sex while Keiichi is waiting for you. That’ll really piss him off.
Kamui: Subaru, you suck.
Subaru: Since when the hell am I the problem? You’re the one who can’t admit you’re in love with him.
Kamui: ......wah.
Fuuma: Hey, let’s put in more fangirl service.
Subaru: You just want to tie me up and blindfold me.
Fuuma: I don’t see you objecting.
Subaru: Good point.
Chapter Twenty: Regrets
Kouri: I don’t know what the hell is these people’s problems.
Karasu: Why don’t you write a chapter on it?
Kouri: Okay. Karasu, you rock.
Subaru: ::killkillangstkill:: I don’t love Kamui but I don’t want to be alone. And Seishirou’s a prick. My life sucks.
Kamui: Damn, Keiichi is hot. But I have to stay loyal to Subaru. But damn, I’d boink Keiichi in a second if it weren’t for that.
Keiichi: ........That’s it, I give up.
Fuuma: I’m going to kill them all if they don’t shape up soon. Even the great sex isn’t worth this much annoyance.
Seishirou: Hey, my life sucks. Maybe I’ll be a vet again.
Kouri: Huh?
Seishirou: What? I don’t have to clear these things with you.
Kouri: ........
Keiichi: I hate Subaru. And I hate you even more.
Kouri: ::sweatdrop::
Subaru: ::wail:: Forgive me!
Kamui: Geez, you’re crying again. I hate that.
Keiichi: Screw you guys, I’m going home.
Chapter Twenty-One: Willpower
Subaru: Fuuma, I don’t want to screw you again.
Fuuma: I could persuade you if I really wanted to.
Subaru: Good point. Let’s skip that and go straight to the sex.
Fuuma: Seishirou, you’re totally falling out of the story. Why don’t you do something stupid?
Seishirou: Give me a few chapters.
Kamui: ::walks in::
Subaru: Well, dandy.
Kouri: MWAHAHAH!!
Audience: ::throws tomatoes at Kouri::
Chapter Twenty-Two: Be Mine
Kamui: ::bitchslaps Subaru::
Subaru: .......wah.
Kamui: ::bitchslaps Fuuma::
Fuuma: Oh, baby, do it again.
Subaru: Kamui, please don’t leave. I’ll be really nice, I swear.
Kamui: I’m going to go over to Keiichi’s and think about it.
Fuuma: Yeah, I’m sure at Keiichi’s you’ll be thinking about this.
Kamui: ......sod off.
Seishirou’s brain: ::melts::
Seishirou: Well, shit.
Keiichi: Are you going to sleep with me now? Pretty please?
Kamui: Yeah, okay. But I’m still not sure I love you more than Subaru.
Keiichi: That’s okay. The past few chapters have built my hormones up to the point that I don’t care anymore.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Reminisce
Kamui: You know, I think I do love you more than Subaru.
Keiichi: Funny that you decide this after you sleep with me.
Kamui: Don’t complain.
Fuuma: You came back? Kamui, you suck. You ruined my plan.
Kamui: So let me get this straight. You slept with Subaru because you wanted to break us up so everyone would be happy?
Fuuma: In a nutshell.
Kamui: You’re a weirdo.
Fuuma: You try living with Seishirou and see what it does to your brain.
Subaru: I miss Seishirou. Wah.
Fuuma: Yeah, I’m working on that.
Subaru: On me missing him?
Fuuma: No, not quite. Never mind. Let’s just bang.
Fuuma: Seishirou, you’re a prick and I’m banging Subaru. Ha ha ha.
Seishirou: ......
Chapter Twenty-Four: Crash and Burn
Seishirou: ::attempts to beat the crap out of Fuuma::
Fuuma: ::dodges:: Neener neener. I’m going to kick you out now, just proving that I’m totally the one in charge here no matter what you want to think.
Seishirou: You suck.
Fuuma: Yeah, but you don’t get to benefit from it anymore!
Seishirou: Subaru, you’re not really still mine, but no one but me can have you.
Subaru: That makes no sense. I hate you, so fuck off.
Seishirou: Oh. Okay.
Kamui: ::is all cutesy cutesy with Keiichi::
Subaru: Kamui, I’m having a total nervous breakdown, so you can’t see Keiichi anymore.
Kamui: Screw you. ::leaves::
Subaru: Okay, that totally backfired on me.
Subaru: How do you think I should kill myself?
Fuuma: Go with seppuku.
Subaru: Why?
Fuuma: Because then this bitch author has to look up how to spell it and what it is.
Subaru: Oh, good thinking.
Kouri: You two suck.
Keiichi: Woohoo! I get Kamui all to myself!
Kamui: Yeah, just be prepared for me to angst over Subaru for a good long while.
Keiichi: I’m going to kick your ass someday, Kamui.
Fuuma: Seishirou, you dork, go save Subaru.
Seishirou: No.
Fuuma: Don’t make me handcuff you again.
Seishirou: Okay, I’ll go. Bossy prick.
Subaru: Wheeeee!
Seishirou: ::crash:: Owwie.
Chapter Twenty-Five: Aftermath
Seishirou: Subaru, I do believe you’ve totally lost it.
Subaru: ::gigglegiggle::
Tree: Finally, Seishirou says something that makes sense.
Seishirou: Fuck off.
Tree: Dendrophiliac.
Kamui: ::mopemopeangst::
Keiichi: I’m only putting up with this for one more day, you know.
Kamui: ::ANGST::
Keiichi: Okay, maybe two.
Fuuma: It was such a great plan, and look at the mess they made of it.
Kamui: Yeah. They suck.
Fuuma: You’re going to be happy with Keiichi, right?
Kamui: Sure, once I totally get over myself.
Fuuma: Oh, that’ll only take a few dozen years.
Kamui: Eat me.
Seishirou: Kamui, get over it.
Kamui: Okay.
Keiichi: Hey, why does it work when *he* says it?
Seishirou: Because I’m more specialer than you.
Chapter Twenty-Six: Reconciliation
Fuuma: So we’re all buddy-buddy now, right?
Kamui: Yeah, sure.
Fuuma: Good, because I’m taking off for parts unknown.
Kamui: You suck.
Fuuma: Only on request.
Seishirou: My life totally sucks now.
Fuuma: Yeah, well, you asked for it. Want a goodbye fuck?
Seishirou: You’re picking up my bad habits.
Subaru: I’m going to act totally crazy now.
Seishirou: You freak me out, Subaru-kun.
Subaru: Hey, just because I’m crazy doesn’t mean I’m not horny.
Seishirou: I have a headache.
Subaru: Yeah, if I had a nickel for every time I’d heard that....
Seishirou: You’d have fifteen cents.
Keiichi: So I sit through the last scene and barely say a thing? I got gypped.
Kamui: That’s okay, I still love you.
Keiichi: ::glow::
Seishirou: You two make me sick.
Kamui: You’re just jealous.
Seishirou: Hell yes.
Subaru: Can’t this bloody thing be over yet?
Kouri: Yeah, okay.