I’d just like to announce for the sake of posterity, this is the original planned ending. If there were miscommunications, I’m sorry. If it’s not what you expected, I’m sorry. If you still think it’s sick and disgusting and I should know better, I’m sorry. I can’t please everyone, y’know.
Hey, it wouldn't be Ashes if there weren't sex in the last chapter.
Hope everyone enjoyed the ride. Please let me know what you thought.
Chapter Twenty-Six: Reconciliation
“Oi, Kamui! Wait up!” Fuuma began to jog as Kamui turned slightly and stopped, waiting for him. “I was hoping I could catch you before you left for the day,” he said, not winded in the slightest. “Keiichi-kun always seems nervous when I come over. Where is blondie, anyway?”
Kamui sighed. “He has soccer practice. He didn’t want to go, being my first day back and all, but I talked him into it.”
“That’s cool. Want to go for ice cream?”
Kamui smiled slightly. “Yeah, okay.”
The two of them quickly found one of the many ice cream vendors that littered CLAMP Campus, got popsicles, and sat on a nearby bench.
“You ever wonder why there are so many ice cream stands around here?” Fuuma asked curiously.
“I think Rijichou is really fond of them,” Kamui remarked absently. “Something about some special sort of popsicle he had when he was a kid.”
“Oh,” Fuuma said. “That would do it. I need to go see him soon; I’m enrolling for next semester.”
“Yeah?” Kamui asked, genuinely pleased. “That’s good. You need to get your education finished.”
“I know, I know,” Fuuma groaned.
“What are you doing until then?” Kamui asked. “That’s almost three months away.”
“I’m taking off for a bit,” Fuuma said. “I came to say goodbye. Gonna do some traveling, see the world, before I settle down to the drudgery of school again.”
“Really?” Kamui asked. “Where are you going to go?”
“Not sure yet,” Fuuma said thoughtfully. “I’m going to start with Japan. I mean, even if I’ve seen it all, I don’t remember any of it. Then I’m going to go from there.”
Kamui gave him a brief glance. “Does that bother you?” he asked softly. “That you’re never going to remember?”
Fuuma considered it for a long minute, then shook his head. “Nah. I mean, it bugged the shit out of me at first, but . . . from the few times it’s tried to come back . . . I think I’m better off not remembering anyway. I’m okay with who I am now. I don’t need other stuff fucking it up.”
Kamui nodded slightly. “How’re you affording this?” he asked curiously.
“I’ve still got a good chunk of my dad’s money left,” Fuuma said. “Enough for a couple months of travel. And this is really weird, but a few days ago I got a bank notice from some account I never even knew I had. So I trotted on down to find out about it. Turns out I had a whole pile of cash all this time, and just didn’t remember it.” He laughed a little. “Don’t know how that happened.”
“Maybe Satsuki,” Kamui suggested. “She was a computer genius. To put it mildly. She could have gotten you quite a bit of money that way.” He paused, then said, “I can’t believe that you don’t mind being alone.”
Fuuma laughed. “Well, you forget . . . unlike the rest of you wusses, I’m not completely insecure. I don’t need someone with me all the time, reassuring me that I’m worth something. Not that I think less of you and Subaru for needing that. It’s just not me. I mean . . . this is absolute freedom. And it’s great.”
“I think I understand,” Kamui said thoughtfully. “I mean, this is the first time you’ve ever really had that. First you were always busy trying to keep your father happy and looking out for Kotori . . . and then all your choices were taken from you and you were forced into trying to destroy the world . . . and even if you’d wanted that role, you still didn’t have any choice.” He sighed softly. “I guess even without your memory, sudden freedom like that could be cool.”
“And I intend to use every damn minute of it,” Fuuma said with a wink.
Kamui smiled a little.
“What’s so funny?” Fuuma asked.
“I’m just surprised,” Kamui said.
“About what?”
“That my Wish came true. This was what I Wished for you. That you could be happy, and free to be yourself . . . whoever that really was.” He smiled, more genuinely. “I guess I can’t help but be glad that the someone you turned out to really be is still willing to be my friend.”
Fuuma smirked. “So how’re things with Keiichi-kun?”
Kamui grinned, then tried to regain his straight face. “They’re good. Really.”
“Yeah?” Fuuma raised an eyebrow. “How’s the sex?”
Kamui choked. “You’re not supposed to ask that.”
“Oh, as if I care about convention. Sex is a great indicator of a relationship, you know.”
“And the amount of sex you’ve had qualifies you to say this?” Kamui asked dryly.
“Well, sure. I bet I’ve had more sex over the past few months than anyone else.”
Kamui considered it. “I don’t know. I think Subaru might beat you. Because sure, you were regularly having sex with him and with Seishirou. But Subaru was regularly having sex with you and with me, plus he did with Seishirou on a few occasions.”
“It’s quality that counts, not quantity,” Fuuma said loftily.
They both laughed.
“The sex is good,” Kamui said, reflecting a bit wistfully that it was really nice to just sit with Fuuma and talk to him. Not have to worry about anything . . . but just be friends with him. “It’s . . . different. Because he doesn’t have as much experience as I do, so I have to . . . to show him things, and stuff . . . but he’s still in control. It’s like . . .” Kamui’s voice trailed off as he tried to find a word.
“Like having sex with an equal?” Fuuma suggested.
“Yeah,” Kamui said. “That’s it exactly.” He smiled shyly, blushing. “I like it.”
“See?” Fuuma asked. “I knew you’d get over yourself eventually.”
“I still miss Subaru,” Kamui said with a small sigh. “But . . . I guess I finally realized that the Subaru that I loved . . . he died a long time ago. I’m not sure he ever even really existed . . . or if he was just the face that Subaru presented for me to see.”
“It’s a tough question,” Fuuma said with a shrug. “And we’ll probably never know the answer. Not with Subaru like he is now.” He rubbed his forehead as if he had a slight headache. “I do feel bad for Seishirou, though. As much as this is his fault, and as much as he totally got what he deserved in some twisted way . . . it’s weird to see him now. I was just there, before I came here . . . he’s going to be taking care of Subaru the rest of his life. And he doesn’t resent Subaru for it. He’s completely devoted to him now. To fixing what he did.”
Kamui was silent for a long minute, then said quietly, “I hope he manages someday. It’s strange . . . I think I should hate him. But I don’t.”
“You really don’t know that much about him,” Fuuma said with a shrug. “He was fucked up, Kamui. At least as fucked up as you, maybe even as much as Subaru. He grew up believing that he had to have total iron control over everything, especially himself. When he fell in love . . . it terrified him. It was the one thing about himself that he couldn’t control. So he hated himself for it, and he repressed it, and he took it out on Subaru because no matter what he did, he couldn’t stop loving him.”
Kamui rubbed his eyes. “It must have been awful,” he said pensively. “To love someone so completely and believe that you’re a lesser person because of it.”
Fuuma nodded, and said nothing.
They sat in silence for a little while, finishing their popsicles, content with not speaking.
“The weirdest thing,” Fuuma said, “is that Subaru seems really happy now. Because he doesn’t realize he’s crazy. All he knows is that Seishirou is with him. That’s all he cares about.”
“Well . . . I suppose that’s a good thing,” Kamui said, flipping his popsicle stick into the trash.
“You should go see him,” Fuuma suggested. “Might do you some good. Closure, if nothing else.”
“I will,” Kamui said. “But not for a while yet.”
Fuuma just nodded, accepting that.
“Anyway,” he finally said, “I’ve got to go. Packing to do and stuff.”
“Let me know when you get there, wherever it is,” Kamui said. “Give me a call or something.” He paused. “I’ll miss you.”
“Aw, how sweet,” Fuuma teased. “I’ll miss you too.”
“You will not,” Kamui said with a grin. “You’ll be out having the time of your life. You won’t waste any time thinking about me.”
Fuuma shrugged. “Hey, it sounded good.”
A brief moment of silence.
“Do you ever wish it could have worked between us?” Fuuma asked curiously.
“Sometimes,” Kamui said with a sigh. “But I wouldn’t give up Keiichi for the world. Especially not for you.”
“Hey, I’m offended.”
“Bullshit. You are not and you know it.” Kamui smiled. “Do you wish that?”
“Nah.” Fuuma smirked. “You’re a cute kid and all, but I’d kill you if I had to date you.”
“Well,” Kamui said, after another brief pause. “Friends, at least?”
Fuuma nodded. “Yeah.”
~~~~
Fuuma was packing for his trip when the doorbell rang. He had been tossing Seishirou’s things on his bed, unsure of what to do with them, so he was rather glad to see the older man on his doorstep. “Hey,” he said, stepping back to let him in. “Who’s staying with Subaru?”
“He seems okay for the time being,” Seishirou said. “He was having a good day. And he’s usually all right for an hour or two on his own. The Tree promised it would let me know if anything happened.”
“Needed a break?” Fuuma asked sympathetically.
“Ostensibly, I came here to get the rest of my things,” Seishirou replied. “Since I haven’t had the chance over the past couple days. But yes, I needed a break.”
“Well, let’s get your stuff out of the way first,” Fuuma said, walking towards the bedroom.
Seishirou followed him and frowned once they were inside. “I’m the one leaving; why are you the one packing?”
“I’m taking off for a while,” Fuuma said. “Taking my well-deserved vacation. I’m gonna tour Japan and stuff. I’m going back to school when the next semester starts, so I figured I would get this out of the way.”
“Oh,” Seishirou said. He slowly began to pick up his things and put them in the suitcase he’d brought. “Well, I hope you have a good time.”
“I’m sure it’ll be grand,” Fuuma said. “Hey, keep your key . . . if you need a few hours off, feel free to crash here. No one else is going to be using the place, so I don’t mind.”
“Thanks.” It didn’t take Seishirou long to pack up what little of his stuff remained there. He dropped the suitcase on the floor. “Well,” he said, feeling rather awkward. “Thanks for everything, I guess.”
Fuuma grinned at him. “What, no goodbye fuck?”
Seishirou cleared his throat. “Most people ask for a goodbye kiss.”
“We can do some of that too,” Fuuma assured him. “C’mon, Subaru won’t care and you know it. And you . . . so need to loosen up right now. I’ve never seen you wound this tight.” He stood in front of Seishirou, running a hand up and down his chest.
Seishirou allowed himself to lean against Fuuma, letting the younger man take some of his weight. “It’s just so hard,” he mumbled into Fuuma’s shirt. “Knowing that he’ll probably never get better . . . and that all I can do is watch, and take care of him, and try my best to help him put himself back together . . .” He pulled away abruptly. “But I suppose you don’t really want to hear any of that from me,” he said with a sigh. “Given that I could have prevented it and you damn well know it.”
Fuuma shrugged. “What’s done is done. And anyway, I don’t have that much faith in you. I’m not sure you could have prevented this. I mean, part of it’s because of the memory spell, right? Don’t tell me that it never would have backlashed on him, and he was being damned stubborn about holding it up.”
“I suppose that’s true,” Seishirou said thoughtfully. “But that doesn’t really make it any easier.”
“Love’s not supposed to be easy,” Fuuma said.
“I guess not,” Seishirou said with a sigh.
“Do you wish you didn’t love him?” Fuuma asked.
“Yes,” Seishirou answered evenly. “I do. But I finally realized that there’s nothing I can do about it. I love him; I always have and I always will. I may as well just accept it.”
“Well, good,” Fuuma said. “You don’t sound like quite as much of an asshole. Wanna bang?”
“Your charm astonishes me,” Seishirou said.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” Fuuma pushed Seishirou down onto the bed. The older man didn’t object in the slightest, but lay back, letting Fuuma climb on top of him. “So am I to understand you’re not going to insist on being in control for once?” Fuuma asked, sliding one of his hands under Seishirou’s shirt.
“God,” Seishirou muttered, closing his eyes to enjoy Fuuma’s touch, “that’s the last thing I want right now.”
“You’re definitely learning,” Fuuma said, pushing Seishirou’s shirt above his head. “Relax for a while. Pretend you’re not miserable.”
Seishirou let out a slight sigh, letting Fuuma caress him, letting his brain shut down for a while. Fuuma’s lips met his and he kissed back feverishly, allowing himself to forget about everything. Fuuma had both of them stripped within a matter of minutes.
“We’ll make it a quickie,” he said, wrapping his hand around Seishirou’s quickly growing erection. “You shouldn’t stay too long anyway.”
“Stop talking,” Seishirou said, tilting his head back and enjoying the sensation.
“Bossy prick,” Fuuma replied, amused, kissing down Seishirou’s neck and leaving a small row of marks with his teeth. “I’m the one in control, right?”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t make requests,” Seishirou remarked, his voice trailing off as Fuuma licked at his chest.
Fuuma didn’t bother to reply to that, reaching over into the nightstand. “Oh man . . . I packed the lube already.”
“Well, find it,” Seishirou said, sounding vaguely annoyed.
“Pushy, pushy.” Fuuma stood and fished around in his luggage until he found where he’d put the lube. “I should drag this out and make you beg for me . . . I’ve always had fun with that.”
“Please don’t,” Seishirou managed.
“I suppose I’ll be nice for today.” Fuuma prepared Seishirou quickly, then gave him a brief grin. “Damn, I’m gonna miss this while I’m gone,” he said, thrusting into Seishirou in one quick movement.
Seishirou only managed a small moan in reply.
“But that’s okay,” Fuuma said, moving very slowly, just to torment Seishirou. “You’ll be here when I get back.”
Seishirou just mumbled something, wondering how Fuuma could possibly manage to talk while engaged in this activity.
“Yeah, I know what you’re thinking,” Fuuma said. “Having to be loyal to Subaru . . . but it’s not like he’d care.”
“Faster,” Seishirou moaned.
“Nah,” Fuuma said. “It’s fun to make you moan. Actually, I think Subaru would probably join in.” He continued to thrust slowly, leaning down to lick at Seishirou’s ear. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? To be sandwiched between the two of us? Fucking him while I fuck you?”
“Oh God,” Seishirou choked out.
“I could take more pictures,” Fuuma added, speeding up the tiniest bit. “Something for the family photo album, ne?”
Seishirou didn’t reply, closing his eyes and letting out a low purr.
Fuuma thrust in harder, wrapping his hand around Seishirou. “Or maybe I could be in the middle,” he said. “Fucking Subaru while you fuck me . . . oh, I’d enjoy that . . .”
Seishirou’s fingers dug into his back as he rocked against Fuuma. He only lasted a few more minutes, letting out a choked noise as he came, with Fuuma only seconds behind him.
“Well, that was fun,” Fuuma mumbled, after he had been lying on top of Seishirou for quite a few minutes.
“Mmmph,” Seishirou managed.
“So are you still sleeping with Subaru?” Fuuma asked curiously, still not moving.
Seishirou hesitated. “Not at the moment, no. He’s still . . . sort of out of it, and I want to make sure it’s what he really wants . . . before I do anything. It sort of . . . creeps me out, for lack of a better term. He’s just not all there.”
Fuuma shrugged. “Well, you have to do what you think is right. I don’t think he’d mind, but I can understand how you feel. It may get better, though.”
“I hope so,” Seishirou sighed. “I should get going, though. Shouldn’t leave Subaru alone for so long.”
“Hey, I made it as quick as I could,” Fuuma said teasingly.
Seishirou laughed. “Have fun traveling,” he said. “Give me a call when you get back . . . if Subaru’s up for it, maybe we can have some fun.”
Fuuma smirked. “Oh, I’ll be looking forward to it.”
~~~~
Subaru’s breathing was soft and even in the dark. Seishirou thought he was asleep, even though he occasionally heard the Sumeragi murmur something to himself. Apparently, he wasn’t, however, as he suddenly spoke up. “The stars are so pretty tonight,” he mused.
“You can’t see the stars,” Seishirou replied softly. “We’re inside.”
“See that constellation?” Subaru asked, gesturing to the ceiling. “It’s the constellation for Gemini. Twins. I heard a story about twins once. They were a brother and sister who loved each other very much, but then she died. And he was very sad.”
“How did the story end?” Seishirou asked, rolling over onto his side and taking Subaru’s free hand, the one he wasn’t gesturing with.
“I don’t remember anymore,” Subaru said vaguely. “But I think the brother lived happily ever after. Could be wrong though.” He paused. “And I can’t seem to find the Big Dipper.”
“Go to sleep, Subaru-kun,” Seishirou said wearily.
“But I can always find the Big Dipper,” Subaru protested, sounding very upset by this.
Seishirou hesitated, then directed Subaru’s hand to a certain point on the ceiling. “There it is,” he said, tracing a shape with Subaru’s hand. “Do you see it now?”
“Oh, yes,” Subaru replied, sounding totally enthralled. “I see it now. Thank you, Seishirou-san.”
Seishirou smiled slightly at him, in the dark. “Now go to sleep.”
There was a long pause. Seishirou thought that Subaru might have actually obeyed. Then he again spoke. “Seishirou-san, why won’t you have sex with me?”
Seishirou nearly choked; that was not the question he had been expecting. “I’m not sure, exactly,” he said thoughtfully. “It just seems wrong . . . for me to do that, when you’re like this. I don’t know if you even really love me.”
“Silly,” Subaru said. “Of course I love you.”
“Half the time you don’t even remember what I did to you, Subaru-kun.”
“I remember now,” Subaru said, sounding distressed again. “And so if I say I love you now, does it count?”
“I suppose it must,” Seishirou said with a sigh. “But I can’t, Subaru-kun. I shouldn’t be getting any pleasure, least of all from you. This is my penance.”
Subaru sighed. “You always were an idiot. What if I want to have sex? Is it okay then?”
“Subaru-kun, I don’t know if I can,” Seishirou said, well aware that he sounded rather pathetic.
“Well, that’s fine for you to torture yourself like that,” Subaru grumbled. “What the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime?”
Seishirou sighed again. “Well, I suppose I could manage something,” he said, reaching underneath the blankets.
Subaru’s head tilted back and his eyes closed as Seishirou pushed his boxers down and wrapped a hand around his length. He said nothing, and made no noise, but a slight smile grew on his face.
Seishirou stroked him gently, but he did not allow himself the pleasure of looking at Subaru’s face as he did so.
It was a while before Subaru came, given that he was used to much greater stimulation than that, but he did eventually. Seishirou risked a glance at his face as he cried out slightly, his hips thrusting up into Seishirou’s hand as he let go.
Seishirou released him and fumbled around until he found a dirty T-shirt on the floor. He used it to clean off his hand, then Subaru, then he tossed it in the vague direction of the laundry. A part of him wished he could share in Subaru’s pleasure, but it wasn’t something he couldn’t allow himself. Not yet, at any rate. If Subaru ever got better . . . maybe then. But certainly not until then.
And as for this . . . it made Subaru happy. And he would do whatever it took to make Subaru happy.
“Feeling better?” he asked softly, as Subaru curled up on his side.
“Yeah,” Subaru said, smiling. “You?”
“Worse,” Seishirou said. “But that’s the whole point. So don’t worry about it.”
“I don’t like to see you unhappy,” Subaru said softly.
“I’m sorry,” Seishirou said. It was all he could say.
“I’ll try to get better quickly,” Subaru murmured, and then he was asleep.
Seishirou closed his eyes and did his best to join him.
~~~~
Kamui hadn’t seen Subaru in three weeks when he bumped into him by chance as he was leaving school with Keiichi. Seishirou was towing Subaru along as the Sumeragi wandered, trying to stop to look at things every two feet. “Konnichi wa, Kamui, Keiichi,” Seishirou said, looking slightly uncomfortable.
“Konnichi wa,” Kamui replied, echoed by Keiichi, then he turned to look closer at Subaru. “Hi, Subaru.”
Subaru blinked at him. “Kamui!” He smiled broadly. “I haven’t seen you in ages.” He tugged on Seishirou’s arm. “Let’s go get some ice cream!”
Seishirou let out a small sigh. “Subaru-kun, we have a job to . . . oh, all right. Just for a little while.” He glanced at Kamui. “I think the general idea here is that you join us.”
“We’d be glad to,” Keiichi said, taking Kamui’s hand. It was decided quickly that the four of them should go to a stand with picnic tables, which was slightly harder to locate, but they did manage in the end.
“So, uh, how are you?” Kamui asked, licking at the cone Keiichi had bought for him.
“We’re okay,” Seishirou said. He had gotten Subaru a strawberry cone, but nothing for himself. “Ne, Subaru-kun?”
Subaru looked slightly startled at being addressed, then nodded enthusiastically. “Seishirou-san is wonderful.”
Kamui smiled a little. “I’m glad you think that, Subaru. And I’m glad you’re happy.”
Keiichi put an arm around his shoulders and also smiled.
“You two are so cute together,” Subaru declared. “Kiss kiss!”
Keiichi and Kamui glanced at each other, shrugged, and kissed quickly.
“Very cute.” Subaru devoted sincere attention to his ice cream.
“You said you were working?” Kamui asked Seishirou curiously.
“Yeah,” Seishirou said. “I’m assuming by now the government knows I have my memory back, and no one’s tried to kill me yet. Subaru’s not really . . . capable of doing a lot of the work yet, so I do most of the research, set most of the jobs up. He still has to do the actual . . . job, so to speak, because he’s the only one who can feed the Tree.”
“Ah. So it’s a team operation now.” Kamui nodded a little. “Very smart.”
“How are you two doing?” Seishirou asked, with genuine curiosity in his voice.
“We’re great,” Kamui said, grinning. “We really are. I wouldn’t change my life now for anything.”
“That’s good,” Seishirou said. Simple, but sincere.
Subaru tugged on Seishirou’s arm again. “If we’re late home, Hokuto-chan will be mad,” he said warningly.
Seishirou nodded and stroked his hair soothingly. “Yes, I know. Don’t worry, we’ve got plenty of time.”
Kamui looked at him questioningly.
Seishirou sighed. “When the memory spell backlashed, it did something truly odd with his memory . . . it didn’t erase it, so to speak. Sometimes he remembers everything, sometimes as much as fifteen years is just . . . gone. He’ll forget certain people or places, only to remember them ten minutes later. A lot of the time he thinks he’s sixteen again, and I’m still a friendly veterinarian, and Hokuto is still waiting for him at home.”
“Oh,” Kamui managed faintly.
Seishirou shrugged. “But sometimes he’s totally with the here and now. As much as he ever is. I mean, he’s definitely unhinged . . . but if it weren’t for the memory problem, he might actually be stable.”
“Can it be fixed?” Kamui asked hesitantly.
Seishirou sighed. “I don’t know. I’m looking into it. The damage can’t be reversed or repaired, but I think it could at least be stabilized, if I can only find the correct spell. Make him always forget certain things, always remember others. The damage to his mind . . . well, that would take time, but it’s possible.”
“Would you make him forget what you did to him?” Kamui asked softly.
Seishirou shook his head. “No. I won’t lie and say I didn’t consider it, but I’m not going to. If I can, I’m going to concentrate as much of the loss as I can in his early childhood . . . maybe up to when he was eight or so. I don’t know. I’ll do what I can.”
“I’m glad,” Kamui said. “That you’re staying with him, I mean. That you’re trying to help him.”
Seishirou shrugged. “I love him. And that doesn’t leave me much choice.”
Subaru glanced up at this and smiled brilliantly. “See?” he asked nobody. “Seishirou-san said he loves me.”
“Yes, of course I do.” Seishirou smiled at him and kissed his forehead.
“Then why won’t you have sex with me?” Subaru asked plaintively.
Seishirou winced. “Let’s talk about that later, Subaru-kun.”
“Okay.” Subaru went back to his ice cream, not at all annoyed by being put off.
Kamui looked at Seishirou. “Out of curiosity, why don’t you?”
“It’s kind of hard to explain,” Seishirou said with a shrug. “But in his current state . . . it’d be hard to make sure I wasn’t taking advantage of him, as much as he seems to want it. I don’t know what to do. He’s very insistent. I’m hoping, if I can find the memory spell, I can stabilize him enough to at least know if I’m getting a real answer from him.”
Kamui nodded. “Yeah. I hope so.” He didn’t really have much hope of carrying on any real conversation with Subaru, so he finished off his ice cream quickly. “We’d better get going,” he said. “If you two have work to do.”
“Aa,” Seishirou said. “Don’t hesitate to come by and visit, Kamui. I think that Subaru would like that.”
Kamui smiled. “Maybe I will. Jaa ne.”
Seishirou waved as Keiichi and Kamui walked off, hand in hand. They were disgustingly cute. He envied them terribly.
“Let’s go,” he said to Subaru, who was drawing patterns on the table with his finger. “We’ve got work to do.”
“Then home?” Subaru asked, perking up.
“Yeah,” Seishirou said, taking his hand. “Then we’ll go home.”
~~~~
--finis--
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