And now, what all you S/Sers have been waiting for... bitchiness and sex, not necessarily in that order. And another cliffhanger, because I rule like that. But pretty much the only thing I have to say about this chapter is that Keichii is *way* too much of a gentleman to be in this fic.
Chapter Twelve: Decisions
Kamui stood staring at the fax for a good long minute before his brain kicked into gear and managed a feeble “Uhh . . .” Subaru gave no reaction that he had heard him, or even noticed his presence. He continued to stare down at the paper. Kamui tried to force himself to think, but there was really no way around it. He left Subaru on the couch and picked up the phone, dialing Fuuma’s number.
“Moshi moshi.”
Kamui cleared his throat. “Is Seishirou there?”
Pause. “Is this Kamui?” Fuuma asked, sounding altogether too amused to hear his voice.
“Yes. Can I speak to Seishirou, please?”
“He isn’t in,” Fuuma said casually. “If you give me your number I’ll have him call you.”
“He knows the damned number. It’s his apartment.” Kamui hung up before Fuuma could reply, then hoped that Fuuma would deliver the message. Then he walked over and knelt in front of Subaru, putting a hand under Subaru’s chin and trying to make Subaru look at him. Subaru’s eyes finally met his, but Kamui could tell that Subaru wasn’t even seeing him. He cursed softly, under his breath, and tried to think of something to do.
Fortunately, before he could go crazy, the phone rang. He walked over and scooped it up, and was rather surprised to hear Seishirou on the other end. “I wasn’t expecting you to get back to me so quickly,” he said.
“I was here,” Seishirou said dryly. “Fuuma only said I wasn’t because he was hoping to get your number.”
“He never quits,” Kamui said, marvelling in spite of the situation.
“I noticed that. What did you want?”
Kamui figured that Seishirou was being remarkably civil, all things considered, so he should try to be nice. “You need to come over.”
“Excuse me?” Seishirou asked.
Kamui’s temper, already wearing a little thin, frayed even more. “Look, there’s really not much I can tell you. Apparently the government is a little annoyed that you’re not dead, because they’ve hired Subaru to kill you, and now he’s just sitting here on the couch completely catatonic staring at the neat little fax with your name on it.”
“Oh,” Seishirou said. He paused, then added, “That’s not good.”
“Thank you, captain obvious,” Kamui snapped. “Could you just get over here? He’s not going to snap out of this until he sees you.”
Seishirou sighed. “I suppose I can’t just say I’m going to leave him alone, can I.”
“No, you damn well can’t.”
“And what if he actually tries to kill me?” Seishirou asked.
“Oh, please,” Kamui said, and slammed the phone back into the cradle. He made some tea and brought a cup over to Subaru. After a few false starts, he managed to pry the fax out of Subaru’s hands and set it on the table, but he couldn’t get Subaru to wrap his hands around the cup well enough to hold it. He gave up and drank the tea himself. “Subaru, come on, I know you’re still in there.” He shook Subaru gently, trying to get him to wake up, but he knew that it wasn’t going to work.
Seishirou didn’t bother with the doorbell; he simply unlocked the door and walked in. That made Kamui rather uneasy, knowing that Seishirou still had a key, but there wasn’t a lot he could do about it so he declined to comment. He stood back as Seishirou walked across the room. “He’s been like this ever since I got home about forty minutes ago,” Kamui said softly. “I can’t get anything out of him at all.”
Seishirou took off his jacket and draped it over a chair, then sat down on the couch besides Subaru, tilting Subaru’s face to look at him. There was a long moment of blank silence, while Kamui held his breath and waited.
“Sei . . . shi . . . rou . . . san,” Subaru whispered.
“Yes, it’s me.” Seishirou caressed Subaru’s cheek gently. “I’m here.”
“You’re alive . . .” Subaru whispered, tears starting to run down his cheeks. “You’re really still alive . . .”
Seishirou nodded, not saying anything, because he had no idea what to say.
Subaru reached up with a trembling hand, running it through Seishirou’s hair and over his face, then coming down to his neck, lingering there to check the pulse. “You really are alive,” he managed to choke out.
Seishirou nodded again and put his arms around Subaru, pulling the smaller man into his lap. “I really am,” he said, letting Subaru cry into his shoulder.
Kamui approached gingerly, then took a step back. He went into the bedroom and got a school uniform, then put it in his backpack along with his books for the next day. His eyes were stinging and the back of his throat hurt from trying to hold in his tears. He shouldered the backpack and went out to the living room. Subaru was still sobbing into Seishirou’s shirt.
“I’m going,” Kamui said, nodding at the door. “If you need me, I’ll be at Keichii’s. His number is on the fridge.”
Seishirou nodded, looking tired, then said something that Kamui didn’t expect. “Thanks, Kamui. For calling me.”
Kamui sighed. “Like I had a million other options.” And he left the house without another word.
Seishirou had very little idea of what to do with a hysterical Sumeragi, so he decided that his current plan of action -- no action -- was the best. He continued to hold Subaru and waited for him to wear himself out. Eventually, Subaru’s sobs quieted and he rested quietly against Seishirou’s chest.
“Why . . .?” he finally whispered.
“Why what, Subaru-kun?” Seishirou asked, shifting Subaru slightly. His legs were starting to fall asleep.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were still alive?” Subaru made no move to pull away from Seishirou, but reached up to wipe his eyes. “It’s been so long . . .”
“I was in a coma for eight months,” Seishirou said. “Until the day after the Promised Day. To keep me from interfering, I think. And after that . . . I came back here intending to tell you, to do something, and I saw you with Kamui. You two looked happy together . . . so I thought I would let well enough alone.”
Subaru gave him a stricken look. “You thought I would be happier with Kamui than with you?”
Seishirou blinked at him. “Subaru-kun, you were never happy with me. You were miserable with me. All I ever did was hurt you. And I . . . I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” He looked away. “I thought you were mine to treat as I would, and your feelings didn’t matter. But I was wrong, and I realize that now. So I was going to let you go.”
“You didn’t even ask me what I wanted,” Subaru murmured.
“If you’d known I was alive, you never would have let me go, despite what you wanted,” Seishirou replied. “I just didn’t want you to have to make that choice, because I knew that making it would hurt you.”
“As if living like this didn’t hurt,” Subaru said bitterly, finally pulling away. “Killing for your Tree, living in your apartment, sleeping in your bed, Fuuma here every day to try to force me to fill your position on the side of the Dragons of Earth. Even after the battle was over, I still had to deal with the rest of it.”
“You should have let me go,” Seishirou said gently.
Subaru gave him a contemptuous look. “You really don’t know anything, do you.”
Seishirou blinked. “What?”
“When you love someone,” Subaru said in a very tense voice, “you can’t just ‘let them go’. Especially not if you’re the one who killed them.”
“I did that on purpose, Subaru-kun,” Seishirou reminded him.
“Oh, yeah.” Subaru laughed. “And that just made it all better. You couldn’t even just give me what I wanted and kill me, you had to use me like some bizarre suicide weapon. Thanks a hell of a lot, Seishirou-san.”
“I didn’t want you to die,” Seishirou said, starting to become frustrated. “Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“Yeah,” Subaru replied. “It means you were ignoring what I wanted in favor of what you wanted. As usual. God, I need a fucking cigarette.” He stood up abruptly and walked across the room, picking up a pack of cigarettes and lighter off the table next to the fax machine where he had apparently left them. He shook one out and lit up, then offered the pack to Seishirou.
“Thanks.” Seishirou took one and allowed Subaru to light it for him. “All right, let’s work through this logically,” he finally said. “The past is done, we can’t change it so it’s useless to waste time worrying about it. First of all, let’s do something about that.” He motioned to the fax lying on the table with his cigarette.
Subaru sank back onto the couch and rested his head in his hands. “What do you propose we do about it?” he asked.
“Well, you don’t have to kill me,” Seishirou said. “You can send back a reply claiming conflict of interest. They’ll accept that. It’s something my mother told me about when I was younger. They don’t want their assassins distracted.”
“Have you ever done it?” Subaru asked quietly.
“No,” Seishirou replied. “I never needed to. My mother did once, though. When she was instructed to kill my father.”
“What happened to him?” Subaru asked, still not looking up.
Seishirou shrugged. “They gave the job to someone else and he was killed. She just didn’t want to be the one to do it.”
“So what you’re saying is,” Subaru said, his voice growing tense again, “that I fax back and claim conflict of interest, and they just get someone else to kill you.”
Seishirou considered this. “I suppose so, yes.”
“That’s not acceptable,” Subaru said, his voice low, sounding as if he was dragging the words out from his lungs.
“I don’t see why not,” Seishirou said.
“Why do you want to die?” Subaru asked abruptly. “For ten seconds, be honest with me and answer that.”
“I wanted to die because I was bored.” Seishirou shrugged. “Nothing really held my interest except for you, and you could never have been mine.”
“And it didn’t occur to you that maybe trying to be human would have been something new and interesting?” Subaru snapped.
Seishirou gave him a long, steady look. “I couldn’t afford to be human, Subaru-kun. I was a cold-blooded murderer. I still would be if I needed to be. I’m not sorry for what I am.”
Subaru took a deep breath; it was obviously taking a lot of self-control for him to stay calm. “Are you saying that the Sakurazukamori can’t be human?” he asked.
Seishirou kept looking at him. “Are you saying that he can be?”
Subaru let out a choked sob, but did not otherwise reply.
“My time was up, Subaru-kun. That was really all there was to it. It was my turn to die.”
Subaru’s head jerked up and Seishirou was taken aback by the intensity in his eyes. “Then tell me, Seishirou-san . . . why are you still alive?”
Seishirou blinked. “Because Fuuma took me to the hospital and -- ”
“No,” Subaru spat out. “Tell me the truth.”
Seishirou hesitated.
“Hokuto-chan’s spell should have overrode any desires of my own. If you had landed a killing blow on me, I should have landed one on you. I should have destroyed your heart so badly that there would have been no way for a doctor to save you. Why are you still alive?”
“My aim was off,” Seishirou admitted.
Subaru’s eyes held his. “Why?”
“I don’t know,” Seishirou said. “I honestly don’t.”
“You didn’t want to die,” Subaru said.
“That is indeed a possibility,” Seishirou replied stiffly.
Subaru sighed and took a long drag on his cigarette. “You really have no idea, do you. What it’s like to be human. What it’s like to love. You told me just before you died that you love me, and I bet you don’t even know what that means.”
“I didn’t then,” Seishirou said quietly. “But I do now.”
Subaru glanced up. “Then tell me. When you say that you love me, what do you actually mean?”
“That I want your happiness more than my own,” Seishirou said simply.
“Then stay with me,” Subaru whispered.
Seishirou looked away. “It would be very easy for me to tell myself that because it was what you wanted, it would make you happy. But I would be thinking of myself and I know it. Just because you want it doesn’t mean that it’s what’s best for you.”
“I don’t care about what’s best for me!” Subaru yelled. “I just want you to stay!”
“And what about Kamui?” Seishirou asked mildly.
Subaru looked away. “Kamui will be far better off if he’s not with me. He just doesn’t realize it.”
“Subaru-kun,” Seishirou said softly. “Think about what you just said.”
Subaru blinked at him.
“Kamui loves you, and wants to be with you, more than anything else. And he doesn’t realize that he’s only hurting himself. He doesn’t realize that what he wants isn’t what’s good for him.” Seishirou sighed. “You and Kamui have quite a bit in common.”
“No,” Subaru said weakly. “I refuse to accept that. I can’t. I want to be with you. It’s different.”
“Why is it different?” Seishirou asked.
“Because . . . because you love me, and I don’t love Kamui. That’s why it’s different.”
“But I thought someone like me couldn’t even realize what love was,” Seishirou reply.
Subaru choked back tears. “Stop it! You’re twisting what I said! It’s not fair to use my own words against me!”
Seishirou leaned forward and kissed his forehead. “We could never be happy together, Subaru-kun. In your heart, you still hate me, because I never have and never will understand what it is to be human, to love. No matter how many times I try to learn, all I ever do is hurt you, and that’s not what I want anymore.”
“So you’re just going to walk away and let yourself be killed,” Subaru managed to say.
“Yes,” Seishirou said.
“But . . . you don’t want to die . . .”
Seishirou shrugged. “I don’t mind that much. And I don’t want to live without you, either.”
Subaru shook his head. “No. You can’t do this, I won’t let you do this.”
“Subaru-kun, there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” Seishirou’s tone was gentle, contradicting the harshness of his words. “You’ll be better off without me. I’m sure of that more than I’m sure of anything else.”
“Then . . .” Subaru reached one and traced his finger down Seishirou’s jaw. “One last time? Please?”
Seishirou had a vague suspicion that Subaru was up to something. It really wasn’t like the Sumeragi to just drop the argument like that. However, he was also fairly sure that there was nothing Subaru could do to stop him. And the temptation of being with Subaru again was a little more than he could take.
Sure, one last time, just like the last ‘one last time’, his conscience, which was extremely irritated with him, spoke up. Seishirou assured it that this really would be the last time, as his death was fairly imminent, and leaned forward to kiss Subaru gently on the lips.
The kiss went from gentle to desperate in about half a second, and the next thing Seishirou knew he was lying on the couch with Subaru beneath him. “We should go into the bedroom,” he murmured.
“No!” Subaru looked momentarily panicked. “No . . . out here is fine . . .”
“Subaru-kun, I don’t care that it’s where you sleep with Kamui,” Seishirou said, puzzled by this reaction.
Subaru mumbled something vague that Seishirou didn’t understand, and closed his eyes. Seishirou sighed and gave up. On the couch was better than under a tree, at any rate, and he didn’t want to upset Subaru further.
“It doesn’t matter if you go,” Subaru whispered into his ear, “if we can make this moment last forever.”
~~~~
“I thought you were going home,” Keichii said, puzzled, standing back to let Kamui in. “Are you okay?”
Kamui wiped the tears off his cheeks, but not before Keichii had seen them. “Yeah, I’m fine . . . I’m . . . I’m fucking not fine at all.”
Keichii shut the door behind him and glanced over at where his roommates were watching television. “Come on, let’s go into my room.” He ushered Kamui into his room and had him sit on the bed. “I’m going to get you some tea,” he said. Keichii was definitely of the opinion that tea healed all ills. Or at least made someone feel a little better. His mother had been a big believer in tea.
He got two mugs and brought them into his room, putting one in Kamui’s hands. Kamui looked down at his mug as if he wasn’t quite sure where it had come from. “There are cats on the mug,” he said blankly.
Keichii turned slightly pink. “It was my mother’s,” he admitted. “I dunno, I sort of think it’s comforting.”
Kamui looked at it for a long second, then took a sip. “Thank you,” he said softly.
Keichii smiled slightly. “No problem.” He took a long drink of his own tea, then said, “What happened?”
“Seishirou came back,” Kamui said softly. “It wasn’t really his fault . . . Subaru found out he was alive anyway. But just . . . seeing Subaru with him . . . he was so glad to see him. I guess I finally realized that I don’t mean a damn thing to him.” He paused to rub his eyes. “I mean, I know that . . . that things are hard for you, and I’m really sorry . . . but at least you know I care about you.” He paused. “Y-You do know that, right?”
Keichii nodded slightly.
“I mean . . . I’m really sorry that I can’t like you the way that you like me. And in some ways I really do, and every time I have to choose between you and Subaru it really hurts. But Subaru . . . he just doesn’t care at all. He would drop me for Seishirou in a second and never think about it again.” Kamui swallowed hard. “And it’s really, really hard to accept that I don’t matter to him at all.”
Keichii hesitated, then reached out and put a hand on Kamui’s shoulder.
“And I don’t know what’s going to happen now,” Kamui said wearily, drawing his hand over his eyes. “I don’t know if Seishirou is going to stay or not. And I hate being in limbo like this, having my future decided for me by someone else. I’ve always hated that.”
“So decide your own,” Keichii said with a shrug. Kamui opened his mouth to reply, but Keichii wouldn’t let him interrupt. “No, let me finish. You have two choices. You can either be with Subaru, or you can be somewhere else. And that’s up to you. If you decide to be with Subaru, and Seishirou makes that impossible, then you make a different decision. But ultimately we’re all in control of our own actions.” He looked away, somewhat shyly. “Or that’s what I think, anyway.”
“Sometimes I think that might be worse,” Kamui said with a sigh. “Because that means I’m just torturing myself.”
Keichii reached out, unthinkingly running his fingers through Kamui’s hair.
“I just don’t know how to stop,” Kamui said. “Every decision I make turns out to be the wrong one. I don’t know what to do.”
“What did you think was going to happen after it was all over?” Keichii asked curiously.
“I never really thought about it,” Kamui replied. “I always thought I was going to die, and when I thought that I might live, I realized that I didn’t really want to.”
“Why not?”
“Everything was just such a mess . . . I mean, let’s face it, my entire life basically sucked. Then I got dragged into all this destiny shit . . . and Fuuma . . . I thought if I could die saving all of humanity . . . maybe I would finally be worth something.”
“Kamui, don’t say that,” Keichii replied, startled. “Why do you think you aren’t worth anything?”
Kamui looked away. “Because no one has ever cared for me . . . until you.”
“You trying to tell me I have bad taste?” Keichii asked lightly, his fingers absently caressing Kamui’s cheek.
Kamui laughed slightly. “No, it’s just . . . I don’t understand why you like me. I’m selfish and whiny and . . .”
“No you aren’t,” Keichii said patiently. “No one who sacrificed themselves for humanity can ever be called selfish. And anyone who’s been through as much as you have could come off a bit whiny. There’s nothing wrong with you, Kamui. There’s no reason why anyone wouldn’t love you.”
“Then why doesn’t Subaru?” Kamui whispered. “Why didn’t Fuuma?”
“You mean why don’t any of the people who matter,” Keichii replied quietly.
“No!” Kamui protested. “You matter, Keichii . . . honestly, you do . . . I think I would’ve died these past weeks without you to keep me sane . . . it really does help to know that you care for me.”
“Then why can’t you just accept that you’re a good person?” Keichii asked.
Kamui looked away. “I don’t know.”
Keichii leaned forward and kissed him gently. It was intended to be a brief, friendly kiss, but didn’t stay that way for more than two seconds. Keichii had been resisting the urge to just kiss Kamui and hope that it helped, mostly because he felt it would be taking advantage of his misery. But when he tried to pull away, Kamui pressed forward, into the kiss.
Keichii let it go for a minute, gently returning the kiss, then breaking it off and pulling back. “Kamui, what do you want?” he asked softly.
“I want to stop hurting,” Kamui whispered.
And Keichii realized that he wasn’t taking advantage of Kamui; Kamui was taking advantage of him. Unconsciously, certainly, but definitely doing it. Keichii found he was rather hard pressed to care. As long as he understood what was happening, it wasn’t really a bad thing, was it?
“I don’t know if I can make it stop hurting,” Keichii whispered. “But I can try.”
“But it’s not fair.” Kamui sighed and turned away. “Because if I get up tomorrow and Seishirou has left . . . I’ll go back to Subaru. He needs me, even if he doesn’t realize it. It’s not fair of me to do that to you. If I . . . If I’m going to be with you, I don’t want it to be halfway.”
Keichii managed a smile. “I suppose I should be happy about that.”
“I’m sorry.” Kamui leaned his head on Keichii’s shoulder. “I’m really, really sorry.”
Keichii hugged him carefully. “Don’t worry about it, Kamui. I’ll be okay.”
“Can I stay here tonight?” Kamui asked softly.
“You’ve stayed here plenty of times,” Keichii replied, sounding puzzled.
“No, I mean . . . here,” Kamui replied. “With you. We . . . we don’t have to do anything, I just . . .” He was turning slightly pink. “I like having someone next to me at night.”
Keichii nodded and smiled. “Sure.”
~~~~
“What are you thinking?” Subaru asked quietly.
“Not much,” Seishirou replied, sounding somewhat sleepy. It was the truth, after all. He didn’t want to think about how he was going to have to leave as soon as Subaru fell asleep, or about anything else, for that matter.
“I don’t want you to die, Seishirou-san,” Subaru said. He sat up, perching on the edge of the couch and leaning over to kiss Seishirou’s forehead. “And for once I’m going to get what I want.”
“Hmm?” Seishirou asked. “How do you mean?”
Right about then Seishirou remembered that Subaru was a powerful onmyouji in his own right, certainly capable of doing quite a few interesting things despite his recent change in position. He realized this right about when Subaru put his fingers on each of Seishirou’s temples and began to chant.
But before he could really react, the world went dark.
~~~~
Chapter Thirteen
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